Friday, March 27, 2015

Guys, Gals & Guns

There is no real way to know how much racism exists in someone’s heart. But something that is easy to measure are the consequences facing white versus black racists. For instance, when a white cop emails racist comments, he’s fired as soon as it’s found out. When a white college student chants a racist ditty, he’s expelled. However, when a black person airs his racism, he winds up in the Oval Office, heading up the Justice Department or, like Al Sharpton, wealthy, with his own TV show, a national following and the key to the White House.

Then, for good measure, we have to listen to Barack Obama and Eric Holder pretend that the Ferguson Police Department is a greater menace than ISIS and Iran put together, a conclusion based on the fact that the arrests and traffic stops of blacks exceed their statistical presence, while neglecting to acknowledge that blacks commit crimes and driving violations far in excess of their actual numbers.

Speaking of Ferguson, I never believed for a second that the creep who shot the two cops was aiming at them. I’m not saying he wasn’t trying to kill them, but I was confident that he wasn’t channeling Chris Kyle, and that he was just another punk shooting wildly and hoping to get lucky.

What strikes me as bizarre is that young black males who apparently don’t work and can’t afford to pay for their own rent, food or clothes, and would freeze or starve were it not for the American taxpayer, can so often afford to pay for guns and bullets. And as the statistics show, it’s not to protect them from white cops, but from other young black thugs.

Because I’m Jewish, I am often asked to explain why American Jews so often support Democrats in America and the Palestinians in the Middle East. The short answer is that they’re about as Jewish as a ham sandwich. Their faith rests not on the pillars of Moses and Abraham, but on Liberalism as spelled out by Karl Marx, Saul Alinsky and Noam Chomsky, and their gods are people named Wilson, Roosevelt, Johnson, Carter, Clinton and Obama.

The sad truth is that most secular Jews are not only disconnected from the religion of their ancestors, but also divorced from reality.

Recently, I wrote that in spite of his humongous ears, Obama doesn’t seem to hear very well. For instance, in 2014, when it was his policies that cost the Democrats record losses in the Senate and the House, the only “voices” Obama claimed he heard were those of the people who didn’t bother voting.

In response, a reader claimed that Obama’s ears were as big as Dumbo’s, but that, unlike Obama, Dumbo used his in order to fly. I, in turn, wrote that I believed that Obama could leave Air Force One at home and fly himself to all those fund-raising events if only he would try flapping his ears for a change, instead of his gums.

When I see the likes of James Carville, Chris Matthews and Lanny Davis, automatically spring to Hillary Clinton’s defense every single time she lands in hot water, I wonder how they explain that the same left-wing media that has spent the past quarter century rolling over, begging to have its belly rubbed by Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, is so hostile to her.

Is it that everyone, including the editorial board of the NY Times, the paper that broke the email scandal, is part of that vast right-wing conspiracy that she initially complained about when Bill’s bilious sex life first came to light?

Could it be that Hillary suffers from halitosis or B.O.? Is it ageism or rampant misogyny? Or could it be her obvious lack of ethics and honesty combined with her overbearing arrogance that turns off even her natural allies?

Hillary, like Paris Hilton, Nancy Pelosi and Kim Kardashian, is one of those females who is famous for nothing. Nothing, that is, aside from marrying Bill Clinton, from which her entire political career derives.

Come to think of it, if the Democrats wise up in time, they will hop off Hillary’s bandwagon and nominate Kim Kardashian in 2016. For one thing, Kardashian knows how to play the media better than Hillary. For another, she is not only young and female, but is married to a famous black man, so she would have a better chance of hanging on to the black vote. And thanks to her ex-stepfather being Bruce Jenner, she has a stranglehold on the support of the sexually bewildered, a fast-growing portion of the liberal base.

Furthermore, she has spent her plastic surgery money far more productively than Hillary. Hillary, after all, still has to resort to pantsuits and is stuck with a perpetually frozen grimace. Kim, on the other hand, with her prize-winning butt and Grand Canyon-like cleavage, can probably count on receiving every vote cast by those males addicted to porn, even if the family pooch is no longer able to recognize her.

Speaking of women who should never be allowed to speak in public, someone recently sent me a picture of Marie Harf, the 33-year-old bespectacled Valley Girl who somehow wound up as a spokesperson for the State Department, and who recently gained notoriety for suggesting that Islamic terrorism can be traced to unemployment in the Middle East.

In imitation of a dictionary definition, the note first broke “harf” down as a verb: “To say something so transparently stupid and irrelevant that it causes anyone unfortunate enough to hear it to suffer a cerebral hemorrhage; ‘She really harfed that speech.’”

As a noun, the definition reads: “A statement made by someone that clearly has no clue to reality and is recognized by anyone with more than a single brain cell to be unquestionably a lie, as in ‘That was a real harf.’” (It naturally follows that a "harfster" is a person so stupid that he never even suspects he's been harfed.)

Sometimes people ask me if I think that for all my books and articles, I have made any difference, and all I can honestly say is that I have no way of knowing. The only time I can think of when my words seemed to have had a dramatic impact, they were spoken, not written, and I had no way of knowing if it was anything but an odd coincidence.

It was early in 1969 and I had been invited to a party by my actor friend George Kennedy. When I sat down on a couch, I found myself seated next to Bernie Casey, a wide receiver with the L.A. Rams. As we got to chatting, I found out he painted as a hobby and hoped to have an acting career. I kicked off my end of the conversation by suggesting he consider leaving the Rams rather than risk serious injury.

As someone who had been playing competitive football throughout high school, college and several seasons in the pros, Casey pooh-poohed the very notion. But I persisted. I suggested that he had just been very lucky. I pointed out that every time he went deep for a pass and left his feet to catch the ball, a defensive back could knock his legs out from under him, and he could land awkwardly on his head or neck and wind up paralyzed for life.

It was a week or two later that I read in the L.A. Times that Bernie Casey had retired. Even though he was in perfect health and only 29 years old, no explanation was given. So far as I was concerned, none was needed.

Fortunately, Mr. Casey went on to be both a successful artist and actor (he was the sidekick to Sean Connery’s James Bond in “Never Say Never Again”), so I feel no guilt about any part I may have played in altering his career path.

Still, my better nature compels me to suggest that if you ever see me sitting alone at a party, you just keep walking.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Wednesday, March 25, 2015

"Liberal Knuckleheads " and "Dear Burt...."

When people ask me, as a Jew, to explain why so many Jews are leftists or why so many wealthy Jews, people like George Soros, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand and Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbuck’s, parrot the Left’s hatred of capitalism, all I can do is shake my head and mutter “Imbeciles. Hypocritical imbeciles.”

The sad fact is that I come from a family ripe with these fruitcakes. I had several rich uncles who never got tired of praising the Soviet Union and bad-mouthing America, although not a single one ever sold his house, packed his bags and moved to the Workers’ Paradise. You would have thought that at the very least, they would have gone back for a visit just to see how much Russia, the country of their birth, had improved under the leadership of Stalin and the Communists. But, no, not even that. They preferred, like those other rich lefties -- the Clintons, the Obamas, Michael Moore, George Clooney, Dianne Feinstein, David Letterman, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Steyer -- who fly on private jets and ride around in limos and gigantic SUVs, to tell the rest of us how to live, what to eat and even how long to spend in the shower.

In case you haven’t heard, the aforementioned Howard Schultz is asking the fools who pay three times too much for coffee to strike up a conversation about race with the sales people he insists on calling baristas. As one of my readers has suggested, if he’s so concerned about the plight of poor blacks, he might start by lowering the price for a cup of java.

As for blacks, my suggestion is for everyone to follow Jason Riley’s advice and to stop trying to help them so damn much. Before LBJ stuck them back on the plantation a century after they’d left it, blacks were entering the middle class in record numbers, their marriage rate was higher than that among whites, abortions were rare, the crime rate was proportionate to their numbers, two parent families were commonplace and black churches concentrated on instilling Christian values and tolerance, as opposed to promoting racial divide and a sense of victimhood.

Recently, I suggested that we might consider swapping three Republican mediocrities like Orrin Hatch, Jeff Flake, John McCain and a player to be named later, for Bob Menendez, the only Democrat in the Senate who has the guts to oppose Obama on Cuba, Iran and Israel. A fellow conservative suggested that I sweeten the deal by tossing in Susan Collins, Lamar Alexander and Bob Corker. Although I agreed in principle, I wrote back to say “The problem is I can’t risk tossing away too many slackers, lest the Democrats, who are even worse, regain the majority in the Senate. Far better, I’d suggest, to have Harry Reid cleaning up after the elephants than running the circus.”

Obama, perhaps the pettiest man on the face of the earth, allowed his petulance towards Benjamin Netanyahu to boil over, leading him to threaten to side with Israel’s enemies at the U.N. The question is whether the Jewish Democrats in Congress will finally have the gumption to unlock their lips from Obama’s behind long enough to join people like Marco Rubio in speaking out in defense of the Jewish homeland, the only democracy and the only real ally we have in that part of the world.

It is revolting that Obama is doing everything in his power to bring about a two state solution by forcing Israel to divide itself into two parts, one part of which would be indefensible against terrorist attacks, with the other part led by Arabs and Muslims dedicated to completing Hitler’s attempt to eradicate Jews from the face of the earth. The fact that so many Americans continue to support this pathetic excuse for a human being leads me to pray for a two state solution, but one that involves America.

Although I continue to favor a governor, Scott Walker, for the presidency, Marco Rubio did a lot to win me over with the 16-minute speech he gave on the floor of the Senate in defense of Israel. In 2016, with the presidential campaign likely to focus on foreign affairs, I would love to see Rubio debating with Hillary (“What difference does it make who killed four Americans?”) Clinton. By the end of the mismatch, all that would be left of Hillary would be her broom, her black dress, her pointy hat and a little puddle of water.

Those conservative pundits who dismiss the Democrats as having a very limited bench in 2016, consisting as it would seem of Mrs. Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden and Al Gore, are displaying a dangerous lack of imagination.

Although he is the vilest resident of the White House America has ever been saddled with, Obama won two terms because he is the first black president. In like fashion, Mrs. Clinton is basing her own candidacy on being the first female president.

But, the Democrats have barely begun. They have already won with the first Catholic –John F. Kennedy – and the first draft dodger – Bill Clinton. But they have barely scratched the surface. Before they’re done, I’m sure they’ll trot out the first homosexual, the first atheist, the first Jew, the first dwarf, the first two-headed albino and, eventually, the first Cherokee wannabe, Elizabeth (Fauxcahontas) Warren.

"Dear Burt..."

Idon't envy many people, but I did envy Abigail Van Buren her “Dear Abby” column. For years, she ruled the roost with her advice not only to the lovelorn, but to people having problems with their spouses, their siblings, their in-laws and even with their neighbors and co-workers, and she often got to do it in jokey fashion.

I happen to be great at giving advice to people, especially if I can make jokes about their troubles. And in a pinch, Abby wasn’t above simply sluffing them off on shrinks, priests and ministers. I, on the other hand, would never think to deal with sub-contractors. There is simply no problem I can’t deal with in 100 words or less, so long as it’s someone else’s and not my own.

For instance: "Dear Burt, I keep trying to send email to senators from other states, but they won’t accept them. What can I do? Frustrated in Kansas."

“Dear Frustrated: I would enact a law compelling senators to accept email from one and all. After all, their decisions affect each one of us. In my case, I live in California, so matters of importance to me are of no concern to Senators Boxer or Feinstein. Recently, I tried to contact Lindsey Graham in order to ascertain why he is willing to confirm Loretta Lynch (aka Eric Holder in drag) to be the next Attorney General. Naturally, I couldn’t get through. What makes this practice particularly offensive is that my living outside their states never prevents these creeps from dunning me for campaign contributions.”

“Dear Burt: It seems to me that the Army tried Bowe Bergdahl several months ago on the charge of desertion, and yet I have yet to hear whether or not he was found guilty. What’s going on? Curious in Oklahoma.”

“Dear Curious: Like you, I am getting very impatient. It was last year that the other members of his squad went on Fox and swore that Bergdahl had deserted his post and gone off with the idea of joining the Taliban, forcing them to risk their own lives searching for him. It was, as you say, several months ago that a spokesman for the Army announced that the court martial had concluded. The fact that no result of the trial has been forthcoming has led me to conclude that he was found guilty, but that Obama has kept a lid on it, lest even the liberal media question his swapping five high-ranking terrorists for a traitor.”

“Dear Burt: Even though the presidential election is still a year and a half off, the Democrats and their stooges in the media have already started attacking Scott Walker simply because he appears to be leading in the polls. What can Governor Walker do about it? Annoyed in Oregon.”

“Dear Annoyed: Walker can do what I advise every Republican candidate to do; namely, put on his big boy pants. Any Republican who is not prepared to be pounded by the liberal pygmies should find another line of work. Instead of letting it get to him, he should learn to bask in the attacks. By his enemies, you shall know him. Walker and all the other candidates should learn to regard liberal critics the way great baseball players learn to accept the catcalls from the other team’s fans, as a tribute to their prowess. Keep in mind, they don’t boo utility infielders. Republicans should only start worrying when the liberal media praises them. A prime example was John McCain, who, in 2008, was hailed as a statesman by the NY Times, and evidently the fool took it so much to heart that he refused to run even a single TV spot tying Barack Obama to Rev. Jeremiah Wright and his racist church.”

“Dear Burt: Why is it that the GOP refuses to engage in any of the high-handed, but legal, machinations that Harry Reid employed when he was running the Senate? Fed Up in Wyoming.”

“Dear Fed Up: Unfortunately, the GOP prefers to be the minority party because Republican politicians find it so much more comfortable whining about the Democrats than actually having to do anything themselves. But, then, unlike Democrats, Republicans very rarely agree about what actually needs to be done. As a result, they generally twiddle their thumbs while waiting for the glorious day when the liberals regain power and they can get back to their whining.”

“Dear Burt: I read that the same day that Barack Obama flew to L.A. to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel TV show, Michelle flew to L.A. to appear with Ellen DeGeneres, but flew on a different plane, even though it costs well over $200,000-an-hour to keep those jets airborne. As a taxpayer, I resent this waste of my hard-earned money. Irate in Minnesota.”

“Dear Irate: I share your resentment. However, my outrage is diluted by the fact that, I, too, would do everything in my power to avoid being cooped up with either one of those creeps for 10 hours.”

“Dear Burt: For the past several months, on almost a daily basis, I have received an email that reads: ‘Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently entering the mystic realm of the future, she finds the answer. She tells him he will die on a Jewish holiday. When he asks her which one, she replies that it doesn’t matter, because whenever he dies, it will be a Jewish holiday.’ As a Jew, what do you make of it? Perplexed in Florida.”

“Dear Perplexed: Like you, I have received this joke too many times to count. It’s not funny, not because it’s in bad taste to joke about a president’s death, but because it makes no sense. In 2008, Obama received 78% of the Jewish vote. In 2012, even after displaying his contempt for Israel and its prime minister, he received 69% of the Jewish vote. For most American Jews, Obama’s death would be a cause for grief, for the rending of garments, not for celebration and the tossing of confetti. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but please keep in mind I only write an advice column, I’m not Sigmund Freud.”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?