Monday, March 30, 2015

Obama Strikes Out Again

I know that some people were upset that Barack Obama didn’t call to congratulate Bibi Netanyahu on his monumental victory in the Israeli election, the way that the leaders of Canada, India and the U.K., did. I wasn’t one of those people. For one thing, everyone knows by this time that the only thing worse than Obama’s policies are his manners. He just might be the pettiest individual to have ever been engaged in American politics. Judging by the man he turned out to be, I’m betting that as a kid, Obama was the sort of brat who would hold his breath and stomp his feet if he didn’t get his own way.

Besides, it’s Netanyahu who should have called and thanked Obama. Just knowing that Obama hated Israel’s P.M., and that he had even sent his operatives to Israel and helped to fund their activities on behalf of the opposition, was probably all it took to turn what was predicted to be a squeaker of an election into a rout.

With something like a dozen different political parties fighting for supremacy in Israel, there is very little that Israelis ever agree about, but one thing they know for certain is that Obama hates Jews and has a soft spot for Islamics, even for the demented likes of the Ayatollah Khamenei.

You would think by this time that Democrats would have gotten tired of trying to paint Republicans as racists at war with women, especially when they’ve seen the strategy crash and burn over the past few election cycles. But the poor souls have nothing else in their quiver, so they have no choice but to keep shooting the same old, worn-out, arrows. Thus, because Loretta Lynch’s confirmation through the Senate hasn’t gone as swiftly as Sen. Dick Durbin would like, he is claiming the only explanation is that Senate Republicans are racists who are reluctant to see the first black woman installed as Attorney General.

The question that leaps to mind is why was Dick Durbin one of the few senators, along with such shady conspirators as Ted Kennedy, Barbara Boxer and Robert Byrd, who voted against confirming Condoleezza Rice as the first black female Secretary of State? Was it because she was black? Or perhaps because she was a woman? Or was it enough that she was a conservative, which makes Durbin not only a hypocrite, but as bigoted as Al Sharpton.

Yet another phony, Colin Powell, who has spent the past several years calling himself a Republican, while voting for Democrats, has now decided to use his overinflated reputation to accuse the GOP of being a party of racists. The fact is Colin Powell became the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff the same way Obama wound up in the White House, as the result of affirmative action run amok.

Speaking of the mullah-in-chief, I recently received a cartoon which showed Obama sharing a bathtub with GloZell Green and a box of her Fruit Loops. They are looking up at two men in suits holding Tom Cotton’s letter to Iran signed by 47 patriots in the U.S. Senate, and Barack is telling GloZell: “I’m so embarrassed for them.”
In 2015, if there’s one thing we have in spades, it’s cause for embarrassment. For instance, the other night I started watching a documentary about Jerry Lewis. My only excuse is that I always found him somewhat fascinating in a creepy way. But I gave up after listening to the likes of Steven Spielberg, Alec Baldwin, Billy Crystal, Richard Belzer, Quentin Tarantino, Chevy Chase, Richard Lewis, Carol Burnett and Carl Reiner, praising Lewis as a comic genius.

Now, granted, guys like Tarantino, Spielberg and Baldwin, know as much about comedy as I do about space travel. But for Carol Burnett, Billy Crystal and Carl Reiner, to insist that the man who spent 50 years walking around on his ankles and pretending to be mentally retarded was the epitome of comedic genius verges on lunacy. When I was nine years old, I already recognized that Jerry Lewis was one step down from the Three Stooges.

I blame the French. Early on, they told him he was brilliant, kissed him on both cheeks and gave him a medal. Because they have no military heroes, they have plenty left over to pin on pretentious frauds.

The medal affected him the way the diploma went to the Scarecrow’s head in “The Wizard of Oz.” Before you knew it, Ray Bolger was spouting off about the square root of a hypotenuse, sounding exactly like Jerry Lewis trying to sound scholarly about pratfalls.

If you have a child of questionable morals who wishes to become very rich, my suggestion is that you direct him into criminal defense work. Take Robert Durst’s lawyers…please. They became legendary because they convinced a jury of 12 morons that even though Durst admitted killing his elderly neighbor, Morris Black, dismembering the man’s body and dropping the parts into Galveston Bay, before stealing Mr. Black’s car and driver’s license, jumping bail and fleeing to Bethlehem, PA, it was a simple case of self-defense.

In a sane world, it’s the jurors who would have become famous, and ever after, whenever someone anywhere in the world said or did something unbelievably stupid, they’d be asked if they’d served on that Galveston jury.

On another matter involving fleeing, something that never fails to confound me is that millions of people will pack up and leave California, New York, Mexico and Guatemala, for perfectly sound reasons…and then do everything in their power to replicate the very place from which they were escaping.

Jonah Goldberg delivered a classic critique of Hillary Clinton’s speeches I wish I could claim as my own: “I am woman, hear me bore.”

Finally, I hear from a number of readers who share my politics, but who are religious and who keep expecting God to respond to their prayers and deliver us from Obama prior to 2017. I wish them well, but I am reminded of a line I once gave Father Mulcahy on a “MASH” episode: “God answers all prayers, but sometimes His answer is ‘No.’”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Friday, March 27, 2015

Guys, Gals & Guns

There is no real way to know how much racism exists in someone’s heart. But something that is easy to measure are the consequences facing white versus black racists. For instance, when a white cop emails racist comments, he’s fired as soon as it’s found out. When a white college student chants a racist ditty, he’s expelled. However, when a black person airs his racism, he winds up in the Oval Office, heading up the Justice Department or, like Al Sharpton, wealthy, with his own TV show, a national following and the key to the White House.

Then, for good measure, we have to listen to Barack Obama and Eric Holder pretend that the Ferguson Police Department is a greater menace than ISIS and Iran put together, a conclusion based on the fact that the arrests and traffic stops of blacks exceed their statistical presence, while neglecting to acknowledge that blacks commit crimes and driving violations far in excess of their actual numbers.

Speaking of Ferguson, I never believed for a second that the creep who shot the two cops was aiming at them. I’m not saying he wasn’t trying to kill them, but I was confident that he wasn’t channeling Chris Kyle, and that he was just another punk shooting wildly and hoping to get lucky.

What strikes me as bizarre is that young black males who apparently don’t work and can’t afford to pay for their own rent, food or clothes, and would freeze or starve were it not for the American taxpayer, can so often afford to pay for guns and bullets. And as the statistics show, it’s not to protect them from white cops, but from other young black thugs.

Because I’m Jewish, I am often asked to explain why American Jews so often support Democrats in America and the Palestinians in the Middle East. The short answer is that they’re about as Jewish as a ham sandwich. Their faith rests not on the pillars of Moses and Abraham, but on Liberalism as spelled out by Karl Marx, Saul Alinsky and Noam Chomsky, and their gods are people named Wilson, Roosevelt, Johnson, Carter, Clinton and Obama.

The sad truth is that most secular Jews are not only disconnected from the religion of their ancestors, but also divorced from reality.

Recently, I wrote that in spite of his humongous ears, Obama doesn’t seem to hear very well. For instance, in 2014, when it was his policies that cost the Democrats record losses in the Senate and the House, the only “voices” Obama claimed he heard were those of the people who didn’t bother voting.

In response, a reader claimed that Obama’s ears were as big as Dumbo’s, but that, unlike Obama, Dumbo used his in order to fly. I, in turn, wrote that I believed that Obama could leave Air Force One at home and fly himself to all those fund-raising events if only he would try flapping his ears for a change, instead of his gums.

When I see the likes of James Carville, Chris Matthews and Lanny Davis, automatically spring to Hillary Clinton’s defense every single time she lands in hot water, I wonder how they explain that the same left-wing media that has spent the past quarter century rolling over, begging to have its belly rubbed by Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, is so hostile to her.

Is it that everyone, including the editorial board of the NY Times, the paper that broke the email scandal, is part of that vast right-wing conspiracy that she initially complained about when Bill’s bilious sex life first came to light?

Could it be that Hillary suffers from halitosis or B.O.? Is it ageism or rampant misogyny? Or could it be her obvious lack of ethics and honesty combined with her overbearing arrogance that turns off even her natural allies?

Hillary, like Paris Hilton, Nancy Pelosi and Kim Kardashian, is one of those females who is famous for nothing. Nothing, that is, aside from marrying Bill Clinton, from which her entire political career derives.

Come to think of it, if the Democrats wise up in time, they will hop off Hillary’s bandwagon and nominate Kim Kardashian in 2016. For one thing, Kardashian knows how to play the media better than Hillary. For another, she is not only young and female, but is married to a famous black man, so she would have a better chance of hanging on to the black vote. And thanks to her ex-stepfather being Bruce Jenner, she has a stranglehold on the support of the sexually bewildered, a fast-growing portion of the liberal base.

Furthermore, she has spent her plastic surgery money far more productively than Hillary. Hillary, after all, still has to resort to pantsuits and is stuck with a perpetually frozen grimace. Kim, on the other hand, with her prize-winning butt and Grand Canyon-like cleavage, can probably count on receiving every vote cast by those males addicted to porn, even if the family pooch is no longer able to recognize her.

Speaking of women who should never be allowed to speak in public, someone recently sent me a picture of Marie Harf, the 33-year-old bespectacled Valley Girl who somehow wound up as a spokesperson for the State Department, and who recently gained notoriety for suggesting that Islamic terrorism can be traced to unemployment in the Middle East.

In imitation of a dictionary definition, the note first broke “harf” down as a verb: “To say something so transparently stupid and irrelevant that it causes anyone unfortunate enough to hear it to suffer a cerebral hemorrhage; ‘She really harfed that speech.’”

As a noun, the definition reads: “A statement made by someone that clearly has no clue to reality and is recognized by anyone with more than a single brain cell to be unquestionably a lie, as in ‘That was a real harf.’” (It naturally follows that a "harfster" is a person so stupid that he never even suspects he's been harfed.)

Sometimes people ask me if I think that for all my books and articles, I have made any difference, and all I can honestly say is that I have no way of knowing. The only time I can think of when my words seemed to have had a dramatic impact, they were spoken, not written, and I had no way of knowing if it was anything but an odd coincidence.

It was early in 1969 and I had been invited to a party by my actor friend George Kennedy. When I sat down on a couch, I found myself seated next to Bernie Casey, a wide receiver with the L.A. Rams. As we got to chatting, I found out he painted as a hobby and hoped to have an acting career. I kicked off my end of the conversation by suggesting he consider leaving the Rams rather than risk serious injury.

As someone who had been playing competitive football throughout high school, college and several seasons in the pros, Casey pooh-poohed the very notion. But I persisted. I suggested that he had just been very lucky. I pointed out that every time he went deep for a pass and left his feet to catch the ball, a defensive back could knock his legs out from under him, and he could land awkwardly on his head or neck and wind up paralyzed for life.

It was a week or two later that I read in the L.A. Times that Bernie Casey had retired. Even though he was in perfect health and only 29 years old, no explanation was given. So far as I was concerned, none was needed.

Fortunately, Mr. Casey went on to be both a successful artist and actor (he was the sidekick to Sean Connery’s James Bond in “Never Say Never Again”), so I feel no guilt about any part I may have played in altering his career path.

Still, my better nature compels me to suggest that if you ever see me sitting alone at a party, you just keep walking.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?