Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Hashing It Out With Liberals

by Burt Prelutsky

I have friends who are liberals. I’m not bragging, you understand, merely stating for the record that I’m aware that they’re not all hypocritical lunkheads. But I do have to keep repeating it to myself like a mantra, because otherwise the sheer weight of the evidence would bury me and my good intentions.

How is it, for instance, that they can bring themselves to parrot every moronic statement uttered by the likes of Gore, Reid, Schumer, Durbin and that noted plagiarist, Joe Biden? How is it that even the avowed feminists among them attack Sarah Palin for being tough as nails. Do they regard Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, as warm and cuddly?

Let us consider oil for a minute. If you were to believe the leading lights on the left, you can’t drill your way out of the energy crisis. Oh, really? Just how do they think oil gets out of the ground and into their gas tank? Do all of them believe in the oil fairy? And what is it they have against drilling in Anwar and off our sea coast? If they claim that they’re not simply against capitalism and that their concerns are ecologically-based, they’re liars and hypocrites. After all, whether or not we drill, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Mexico and Canada, are going to keep drilling. As the lefties keep reminding us, this is all one planet, Mother Earth.

Furthermore, as that other big mother, Mother Nature, with her tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes keeps reminding us, when it comes to raising havoc and making a really big mess, we mere mortals are feeble and pathetic. As for global warming or climate change or whatever it is the liberals are fretting about this week, they should keep in mind that Ma Nature is a lady of many moods when it comes to the weather. At one point, ice covered Canada all the way down into what is now Nova Scotia, and it receded to the Arctic Circle without any help from the internal combustion engine.

The clearest proof that those lamebrains on the left will fall for anything that purports to be ecologically well-intentioned was a stunt carried off by those two notorious scamps, Penn and Teller. They hired a few earnest-looking young people to pass around petitions demanding that the government once and for all ban the use of H2O. Even I was surprised at the number of people who signed on, oblivious to the fact that they were demanding that water be outlawed.

I am constantly perplexed by the animosity liberals have to what they insist on calling big oil. Do they actually imagine that a small mom-and-pop outfit could get oil out of the ground and into a pipeline or aboard a tanker, move it thousands of miles, refine it and deliver it to your corner gas station? In any case, I at least know what big oil is. But what the heck is small oil? That grease spot on my driveway?

Another thing that gets on my nerves is the way that liberals are always telling us how smart they are. Jimmy Carter, they kept telling us, was a genius. Bill Clinton, they believed, was another Einstein. Hillary, according to them, is the smartest woman in America, and Barack Obama is not only brilliant, but, according to his running mate, very clean. Now, nobody stands in greater awe of brilliance than I do. Furthermore, I wouldn’t be surprised if at this very moment, someone somewhere is coming up with an invention that will transform our lives the way the computer has, while somebody else is coming up with a cure for Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s, while a third party, for all we know, is in a lab whipping up a contraceptive pill for men that will make Roe v. Wade as irrelevant as the Dred Scott decision. But whenever anyone describes a politician -- even one whose politics I agree with -- as a super intellect, I know that I’m dealing with some boob who has confused blind ambition and a massive ego with a great mind.

I mean, I know we have to have a president, but doesn’t it disturb you when you stop and realize that your candidate actually believes he or she is the most qualified person in a country of 300 million people to make all the most important decisions affecting us and the rest of the world? Really, just how different are they from those poor deluded souls wandering around the asylums insisting they’re Napoleon?