Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It Used To Be A Wonderful Life

by Burt Prelutsky

When I was just a kid, I saw the stage musical, Peter Pan, starring Mary Martin in the title role and Cyril Ritchard as Captain Hook. It is to this day the only version of that old war-horse I ever liked. I still don’t know why that story has retained its popularity since 1904. Even Walt Disney couldn’t work his magic on it.

What I remember best about the show, the tunes aside, is that at the point when Tinkerbell’s light was flickering, and she was supposedly at death’s door, the audience was urged to start clapping in the hope that our applause would somehow save her. Suddenly a woman seated behind me leaned forward and said, “Little boy, you aren’t clapping. Don’t you want Tinkerbell to live?”

“I know the story,” I told her. “She’ll live even if nobody claps.”

You can see that, as young as I was, the die was already cast. Even back then, I had zero tolerance for baloney. That is one of my many problems with Barack Obama and his crew of cronies and stooges. They’re trying to make me clap for crapola like cash for clunkers, cap and trade, trillion dollar stimulus bills, AmeriCorps, ACORN, unlimited funds for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, socialized medicine and global warming.

On top of all that, look at the cast he’s rounded up for this tacky production. People used to say they wouldn’t buy a used car from Richard Nixon. Well, I wouldn’t buy a used hubcap from the likes of Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Henry Waxman, Alan Grayson, Christopher Dodd, Barbara Boxer, Charles Rangel, Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein or David Axelrod. Furthermore, I’ve seen guys selling “genuine mink coats” out of the trunk of a ’94 Buick I’d trust more than Robert Gibbs.

It struck me the other day how beneficial a nickname can be. For instance, would Magic Johnson have been quite as magical if people had called him Earvin? Would Tiger Woods, however good his golf game, been quite as effective a pitchman if we’d all called him Eldrick? And would Barack Hussein Obama been able to pull the wool over so many eyes if he hadn’t been called the Messiah?

Barack pretends to be George Bailey, everyone’s best friend, but from the way he pushed ObamaCare through the Senate by using any means necessary -- including bribes and intimidation -- it’s obvious that behind the nice guy façade, he is actually Henry F. Potter, weaving his web like a giant spider, plotting to turn beautiful Bedford Falls, otherwise known as America, into the nightmarish Pottersville.

Two centuries ago, King George III was told that President George Washington, who had eight years earlier turned down the opportunity to be the king of the United States, was planning to give up the presidency at the conclusion of his second term and return to his farm in Mount Vernon. The astonished monarch, who had lost a war to General Washington, said, “If he does that, he will be the greatest man in the world.”

Washington did, and he was.

Does anything more clearly illustrate how far we have fallen in 210 years?

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Write to Burt@BurtPrelutsky.com.

 

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Liberals Check Their Brains At The Door

by Burt Prelutsky

My ex-wife pulled off one of the most diabolical stunts ever perpetrated on one human being by another. When she was a kid, she took it upon herself to teach her younger brother the names of all the different colors. But for reasons known only to her and Satan, she taught him the wrong names. So, although he wasn’t color-blind, he wound up being what you might call color-dumb, believing that purple was yellow, green was orange and white was brown.

What brought this to mind was discovering that it was the late Tim Russert who labeled liberal states blue and conservative states red. Inasmuch as red had long represented the Soviet Union and the politics of those lunkheads around the globe who were devoted to Communism, I wonder if Russert had intentionally set out to muddy the waters or if he, too, had had a sinister older sister.

A great many people, including right-wingers who should know better, have given Obama high marks for antagonizing his liberal base by deploying 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. For one thing, General McCrystal had started out requesting 80,000 additional men and then lowered his request to 40-60,000 when it became obvious that Obama, even after spending two years insisting that Afghanistan, unlike Iraq, was a good war that had to be won, actually believed that he could personally beguile Al Qaeda and the Taliban as easily as he had America’s lap dog media.

For another thing, there was no political risk for Obama. Did anyone think that his core constituency was going to desert him in 2012 and vote for, say, Sarah Palin? The truth is, Obama could order the military to bomb London, Paris and Rome, and his liberal disciples would continue to sing his praises.

Unlike Republicans, who will stay home on election day if the party nominee doesn’t pass a litmus test of political purity, liberals will fall into line for any cretin who has a (D) after his or her name. Actually, when you realize how many agnostics and atheists are liberal, it’s amazing how religiously devout they are when it comes to politicians. So it is that in every election -- even without the evil machinations of the SEIU, ACORN and the Chicago machine -- the party of really stupid people has a definite advantage.

Although left-wingers regard themselves as brilliant and sophisticated, they actually place the likes of Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Waxman, Kerry, Murtha, Leahy, Frank, Conyers, Waters, Biden, Lee and Dodd, on pedestals. It sort of reminds one of aborigines prostrating themselves to elegies made of mud and straw.

Speaking of Obama, I have finally caught on to why everything he proposes, from the stimulus plan to health care reform, always comes with a price tag of 800 to 900 billion dollars. It’s the same reason that retailers so often sell stuff for $19.99 or $99.99. It’s all intended to con us. Just as we’re supposed to think we got the t-shirt for less than $20 and the sweater for under $100, we’re supposed to be grateful that at least Washington’s latest lousy idea isn’t going to cost us a trillion dollars.

It’s a shame that politicians are a necessary evil. Some are more necessary than others, but, for the most part, they’re just plain evil.

In fact, being a half-full glass kind of guy, I’d like to think that every time a politician lies, an angel gets his wings.

© 2009 Burt Prelutsky

Write to Burt@BurtPrelutsky.com.
 

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Nation Of Immigrants And Ingrates

by Burt Prelutsky

For a very long time now, special interest groups have attempted to label those of us opposed to illegal aliens as racists. The truth, of course, is that those who argue for amnesty are the actual racists. The very same people who are so eager to roll out the red carpet for Latinos would be the first to demand closed borders if 15 or 20 million Aussies, Poles or South Koreans, were sneaking in.

Frankly, I personally find it offensive when folks who come to America, be it legally or illegally, continue to maintain their allegiance to their birthplace. Whether it’s carrying foreign flags in parades and demonstrations or rooting for foreign soccer teams or baseball teams in international competitions, I regard them as riff-raff who don’t deserve to be here. If they want to cook and eat ethnic food, that’s one thing, but how dare they continue to identify with their nation of origin? To me, it’s like a married couple continuing to celebrate wedding anniversaries with their ex-spouses.

After all, each and every transplant is in America for a very good reason. Whether they were escaping a potato famine, religious persecution or an evil and corrupt government, there was a compelling reason they left their home turf.
The exceptions would be those who were rounded up in Africa a few hundred years ago and brought here as beasts of burden. But even their descendants should be grateful to be living here now. Those who continue to grouse about what a racist society this is have had ample opportunity to get back to their roots. The fact that they haven’t taken advantage of cheap fares strongly suggests they’re not oppressed, but simply ungrateful.

As a Jew who gives thanks every day that he was fortunate enough to be born in Chicago and not some Soviet shtetl, I take umbrage when black Americans aren’t equally grateful to have been born in a place where ambition, education and taking responsibility for oneself, and not simply the ability to out-run a lion, determine one’s level of success.

Slavery, we all agree, was barbaric, a terrible sin, but if I were a black who was lucky enough to be born an American, I would have to acknowledge that God truly moves in mysterious ways. If He didn’t, He wouldn’t be God. He’d only think he was, sort of like Chris Matthews and Jon Stewart.

© 2009 Burt Prelutsky

Write to Burt@BurtPrelutsky.com.
 

Monday, December 21, 2009

Life Here On Planet Bizarro

by Burt Prelutsky

Based on the email I receive from my readers, I understand that I’m not alone in thinking that the left-wing lugnuts have turned America into the world’s biggest loony bin. I’m not quite sure how they managed to pull it off, but the evidence of their mischief is obvious and overwhelming.

For openers, we have the administration’s refusal to let White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers explain how the Salahis crashed the state dinner for India’s prime minister, Dr. Monmohan Singh. These are the same folks who spent eight years insisting that the American people had a right to receive regular status reports on Dick Cheney’s bowel movements.

For my part, I am less concerned with the presence of the Salahis in the White House than with Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein and David Axelrod, having the run of the place.

I happen to approve of Obama’s demanding that Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai eliminate the rampant corruption of his administration. Likewise, I approve of Karzai’s insistence that President Obama do the same.

I don’t suppose that anyone was terribly surprised when Chris Matthews, the man who’s given hope to lispers everywhere, referred to West Point as the enemy camp when Obama used the venue and its cadets as stage scenery for his recent noodle-rattling speech.

Many people gave the president kudos for aggravating his liberal base by committing 30,000 additional troops to the war in Afghanistan. Perhaps I would have added a few of my own if he hadn’t used the occasion to voice his opposition to the wars in Vietnam and Iraq, basically spitting in the eye of those gallant men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice in those distant lands.

It says something about the loyalty and discipline of the cadets in the audience -- at least those who managed to stay awake -- that they gave the goofus-in-chief a polite round of applause at the conclusion of his asinine remarks.

Inasmuch as Obama, as usual, provided the enemy with an end date for America’s commitment, one could hardly describe his speech as a call to arms. It was more a call to disarmament. I suspect that, based on his record, whenever Malia or Sasha misbehaves, punishment consists of being sentenced to time-outs in their palatial bedrooms. At the very least, I’d make them listen to an hour’s worth of Joe Biden’s most memorable orations.

What more needs to be said about the current administration than that Obama takes every opportunity to insult America; that he curtsies to the Saudis and the Chinese and pays his profound respects to Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; all the while, back-stabbing Poland, Israel and Czechoslovakia?

And, then, for good measure, he allows three Navy Seals to face prosecution for bitch-slapping an Islamic terrorist.

Is it really any wonder that I wish it had been the Obamas who’d been caught sneaking into President Salahi’s gala event?

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Write to Burt@BurtPrelutsky.com.
 

Friday, December 18, 2009

Obama’s Year-end Review

by Burt Prelutsky

Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod have the same contempt for the electorate that con men and three-card monte hucksters have for their gullible marks. And, what’s more, they’ve every right to do so. After all, they took a left-wing radical out of Chicago, the corruption capitol of America, mixed in a dash of “hope and change” malarkey, and convinced 64 million suckers to vote for him.

I’m well aware that a great many Americans are currently suffering from buyer’s remorse, but that doesn’t excuse them. I mean, it’s not as if all the evidence wasn’t readily available prior to the 2008 election. Unless a person had spent the previous year vacationing on the moon, he should have been well aware that all of Obama’s friends, associates and spiritual advisors, were crooks, racists or Communists.

Why weren’t they paying attention when Obama admitted that his cap and trade policy would send our energy bills soaring through the roof, when he declared war on the coal industry and when he told Joe the Plumber that he advocated the redistribution of wealth?

Why did they think that electing a guy who had been a community organizer -- an obvious euphemism for being a left-wing activist -- was a good thing?

And, finally, in a nation that has yet to elect a woman, a Jew, a Latino, a Mormon, an Asian or even, so far as I know, an atheist or an agnostic, why did so many people think they had earned a pass to Heaven for no other reason than that they'd voted for a guy who was partially black?

The folks who chose to overlook all the obvious evidence and stick the rest of us with Obama remind me of those ditzy women who ignore all the telltale signs, and turn a deaf ear to the warnings of concerned friends and relatives, and wind up marrying wife-beaters.

There was a time when people like Mark Twain, Will Rogers and Bob Hope, made good-natured jibes about politicians, and when everybody else regarded office holders as if they were the equivalent of old Uncle Ned, who’d get plastered at family get-togethers and fall asleep with his head in the mashed potatoes. But those days are long past. How can they not be when Congress is bankrupting America and skunks like John Kerry and John Conyers have the gall to confess they didn’t even read the 2,000-page health care bill even though they actively support its passage?

The only real difference between Kerry and Conyers and the rest of their congressional cronies is their candor. All that these tax-supported incompetents care about are the trappings of office -- the huge staffs, the photo ops, and the easy access to bribes and sex. These self-important oafs not only refuse to read the small print, they refuse to even read the writing on the wall. Instead, they elect to defame those Americans who ask only that they abide by the constitution they’ve sworn to defend, dismissing us as mobs, thugs and astroturfers.

Their notion of doing their patriotic duty is to leave everything up to the likes of Pelosi, Reid, ACORN and the SEIU’s Andy Stern -- individuals and entities no normal, decent person would trust to pick out their neckties, let alone their political agenda.

A recent poll determined that 46% of Americans approve of Obama’s performance, while 54% disapprove. But if you dig a little deeper, you discover that 61% of white Americans disapprove, and it’s only because a whopping 97% of blacks give him a big thumbs-up that the numbers are as close as they are. So much for the post-racial America that candidate Obama promised us.

Some folks wonder why so many members of Congress are willing to bury future generations in debt; to destroy America’s ability to compete with China and India by pushing for cap and trade and buying into the “scientific” hoax known as global warming; and importing CastroCare to the United States.

The answer, I believe, is that left-wing politicians aren’t overly concerned with America’s welfare. It’s power and influence that drives them, which is why an embarrassment like Robert Byrd, even as he approaches the century mark, refuses to retire.

In Jack London’s novel, “The Sea Wolf,” the brutal, but erudite, Wolf Larsen, captain of the seal-hunting schooner, the Ghost, is asked why he is content to command a crew that hates and fears him. In response, he quotes from “Paradise Lost,” in which John Milton has Satan, the Fallen Angel, explain his own puzzling motivation by stating: “Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.”

It seems to me that today the ship of state is under the command of Wolf Larsen.

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Write to Burt@BurtPrelutsky.com.
 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hooray For Hollywood

by Burt Prelutsky

The other day I was asked if I thought I would ever come face to face with writer’s block. I had to laugh. Inasmuch as I generally write about things that annoy, frustrate or just plain drive me nuts, running out of material or losing the impulse to complain in print are among the very least of my worries.

When you factor in that Barack Obama is my president, Joe Biden is my vice-president, Nancy Pelosi is next in line, Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer are my senators, Brad Sherman is my congressman, Antonio Villaraigosa is my mayor and Jerry Brown is lurking in the wings to be my governor, do you really think I’ll be turning my pen into a plowshare anytime soon?

But at least now you might have a better handle on why I look back so fondly on what I have come to regard as the good old days when an American’s major complaint was that he had taxation without representation.

On top of everything else, I live in Los Angeles and have spent most of my adult life laboring in Hollywood, a place that some people regard as less an actual location than a state of mind. I agree it is a state of mind in the same sense that paranoia and schizophrenia are states of mind.

After working in the field of entertainment for about 40 years, I swear to you that there are a fair number of normal, decent human beings who work in the industry. But truth compels me to say that the lower you go in the pecking order, the likelier you are to find them. That’s not to say that every producer, actor, director and writer, is an arrogant, leftwing, coke-snorting, bottom-feeding egomaniac, but that’s certainly the way to bet.

Sometimes, when I’m daydreaming about what Hell must be like, I envision a place where every day you wake up and have to go work for someone like Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, nasty sourpusses who think that their every whim should be immediately pandered to and who regard themselves as God, but with a bigger expense account, a larger staff and a better pension plan.

In short, Pelosi, Frank and Reid and their congressional cronies, could find true happiness working at a TV network, a movie studio or a theatrical agency. Perhaps you think I’m making this up, but I’m not. Liberal politicians are doing their best to shove Obamacare down our throats, pretending it’s manna from Heaven, but you may have noticed that they haven’t the slightest intention of leaving their own medical care up to a lottery system. And can you really blame them? Do you think Pelosi wants a bunch of strangers deciding if she can get another dozen face lifts? You think Robert Byrd wants to leave it up to a death panel to determine if it’s time to put the old Ku Kluxer on an ice floe?

You could call them hypocrites, but I call them Hollywood hopefuls. They’d fit right in. This is the town, after all, where people are still whining over the fact that a handful of mediocre actors and hack writers were blacklisted 60 years ago because they were, for the most part, unrepentant Communists whose allegiance was to the evil Soviet Union. But these same people think nothing of blacklisting writers and directors who have done nothing worse than made the fatal mistake of turning 50.

Many years ago, radio wit Fred Allen observed that “You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, stick it in the navel of a flea, and still have room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.” I say he was being too kind. Although I regard myself as basically a loyal person, I’ve had about two dozen agents in my life. What’s more, in what was a moderately successful TV writing career, by getting my own jobs, I made money for all of them, except the last one. Which was just as well because she’s the one who went to the slammer for stealing her clients’ money.

The reason, by the way, I kept leaving agents wasn’t simply because none of them ever earned his or her 10%, but because eventually they all lied to me about what they would do for me or, worse yet, what they had already done.

In my experience, agents are people who like to have lunch, shmooze with other agents and con young women into having sex with them. Those are the male agents, of course. Female agents, on the other hand, like to have lunch, shmooze with other agents and con young women into having sex with them.

In other words, if a genie somehow managed to switch everyone in Hollywood with everyone in Congress, you would barely notice it. In fact, aside from the fact that the paparazzi would all have to pack up and move east and that “Henry Waxman: The Musical!” would finally be green-lighted at Universal, life would go on as usual.
 

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Calling All Zombies

by Burt Prelutsky

For the longest time, I wondered why there always seemed to be such a large audience for those stupid and disgusting movies about zombies. But after seeing how many people lined up in support of Obamacare, I realized it was because so many of us, in and out of Congress, had good reason to totally identify with the undead. Like those lurching creatures in the movies, they, too, desperately require brains, but not to satisfy their insatiable hunger, but simply in order to think clearly.

I never had much regard for Sen. Lieberman, who, except for his support of Israel, might just as well hand over his proxy vote to Harry Reid and stay home in his bathrobe and watch TV soap operas. In spite of insisting that he’s opposed to the health care bill, he supplied Obama with the 60th vote he needed in order to bring Castrocare to America. Lieberman, who would like to see his party affiliation designated as an (ID) for Independent Democrat, should realize that ID in his case stands for Idiot.

In fact, all of Congress should come with a warning label reading: Hazardous to America’s Health.

I have been asked if I planned to support Sarah Palin in 2012, and I replied that I would if she got the nomination. Heck, why wouldn’t I? I supported John McCain in 2008, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have the slightest objection to voting for a woman president, but why would I favor Palin over Rep. Michele Bachmann, who, instead of peddling books and trying to prove that she’s not as dumb as those weasels, Charles Gibson and Katie Couric, made her look, is actually doing everything she can to derail Obama’s agenda in Congress.

Because the House and Senate are such constant sources of embarrassment, it’s easy to overlook the fact that there’s a conclave based in America that’s even worse. I refer to that gathering of knaves, thugs and parasites, who congregate in New York. If you guessed the editorial board of the NY Times, you’re close, but no cigar. Actually, I refer to the United Nations.

If you are one of those dunderheads who actually believes that the U.N.-- with such prominent members as Russia, China, Iran, Egypt, North Korea, Yemen, Syria, Somalia, Cuba, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan -- is a force for good, you really should seek professional help. I’d be willing to wager that at least half the people who are currently residing in asylums aren’t as completely divorced from reality as you are.

In typical fashion, a committee of the U.N. General Assembly recently passed the following resolution on the so-called defamation of religion: “Everyone has the right to hold opinion without interference, and has the right to freedom of expression, the exercising of which carries with it special duties and responsibilities and may therefore be subject to limitations.” So everyone has the right to his own opinion and the freedom to express it, unless, of course, they take advantage of those rights.

Or, in other words, knowing, as we do, how little the member states care for Christianity or Judaism, don’t dare utter an unkind word about Islam. Or else.

Just like those who trumpet the grandeur of the U.N., I, too, can see the benefits of a one-world government. The thing is, they want to see it established here on earth and I want to see it limited to Mars.

Finally, I recently identified what it is that separates politicians and diplomats on the one hand and dogs and cats on the other. It’s simply that, unlike those utterly useless people, our pets don’t break our hearts until they die.
 

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Liberal Lies And Conservative Truths

by Burt Prelutsky

These days, as we see Obama’s approval rating plummeting in the polls and we hear more and more people expressing buyer’s remorse, it occurs to me that the only two areas of advertising in which blatant lies are permitted are movies and politics. And I, for one, would like to know why we can get our money back if we buy a toaster that burns the pumpernickel, but not if we’re tricked into seeing a Will Ferrell movie the ads insisted was a laugh riot. And why is it we’re not allowed a do-over if it turns out we voted for a devout Marxist only because he swore he was a centrist during the campaign?

Next, I’d like to know why when congressmen swear to uphold and defend the Constitution, which still included the 1st and 2nd amendment the last time I looked, Rep. Henry Waxman gets to say, “If someone is so fearful that they’re going to start using their weapons to protect their rights, it makes me very nervous that these people have these weapons at all.” If I recall correctly, that’s the same thing that King George III said back around 1775. It seems that the King, who was nicknamed Mad George, was only intermittently out of his gourd, according to his contemporaries. But even on his worst days, it’s unlikely that he, unlike Mad Henry, would have voted to continue funding ACORN.

Sometimes I give myself a headache trying to figure out why so-called intellectuals -- those in the obsequious media and academia -- are so bloody anxious to give a giant shout-out to such idiocies as cap & trade, 12 trillion dollar deficits and Castrocare -- policies guaranteed to bankrupt America, programs that wouldn’t redistribute wealth, but would merely guarantee poverty. Why, I ask myself, would anyone want to emulate England and Canada, where you have to enter a lottery in order to get dibs on a doctor and wait months, sometimes years, for an operation?

The only reason I can come up with is that these eggheads believe that only by radically shaking up the status quo will they obtain the power and prestige they crave so desperately. Even if the end result is a dictatorship, they’re okay with it so long as they wind up in the inner circle.

Oddly enough, although they love to parrot Santayana’s line about those who don’t learn from history being doomed to repeat it, it’s they who were obviously dozing off in class when they should have been taking notes. The fact is, as history tells us, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Castro, all treated their useful idiots -- I mean their intellectuals -- the exact same way; namely, as compost.

Yet another obnoxious thing about elitists is the way they go on about the wonders of diversity. But of course the only diversity they ever champion is the one defined by pigmentation. When it comes to diversity of opinion, they all become as censorious as Puritans. Let a conservative try to speak on a college campus and he’ll be shouted down. Let a conservative speak his mind on the radio, TV or Internet, and the president makes threatening noises about shutting them down.

Recently, we were told one of the biggest lies of all. We were told by the New York Times, the U.S. military and Barack Obama, that Major Hasan had simply cracked up. We were told he was suffering from the very first case of pre-post-traumatic stress disorder. We were even told that he killed 13 soldiers and an unborn baby and wounded 30 other people because he had at one time or another been teased.

What we weren’t told, because it might embarrass Muslims, is that Major Hasan was a devout Islamic. On the other hand, if Hasan had been a devout Christian who had hollered “Christ is great!” as he went on his slaughter spree, why do I doubt that the N.Y. Times, General Casey and Barack Obama, would be trying to bury the truth under a truckload of politically correct manure?

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of our leaders trying to convince us that we’re not engaged in a religious war. There is a reason that in the wake of 9/11, we didn’t immediately bomb Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen or Syria. Oil aside, we didn’t bomb them because the U.S. wasn’t attacked by any one country, as we had been when Japan leveled Pearl Harbor. This time, the sneak attack was perpetrated by a religion. It was the same vile religion that took hostages in 1979, that bombed our embassies and our Marine base, that blew a hole in the USS Cole, and that first tried to bring down the Twin Towers, in 1993.

And because it’s a religious war, a jihad, I don’t understand why neither we nor Israel fights it in the appropriate fashion. Why is it that our military doesn’t dip its bullets and bombs in pig blood and why doesn’t Israel announce that the remains of suicide bombers will henceforth be buried in pigskins?

It’s hard to imagine that even after 61 years of constant attacks and threats of extinction, Israel still insists on taking prisoners. Eventually, when Israel has jailed enough of these vermin, the enemy kidnaps, tortures and murders, an Israeli soldier, and then swaps his corpse for a hundred or two hundred terrorists.

I suspect that liberals will find my suggestions not only insensitive, but downright repulsive. Leave it to a liberal to be more deeply offended by the spilling of a pig’s blood than that of a human.

It just seems to me that if you have kryptonite, you’re a schmuck if you don’t use it.
 

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The New And Improved Iron Curtain

by Burt Prelutsky

Back in 1946, Winston Churchill, in a speech delivered at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri, referred to an Iron Curtain that had descended across the Continent, behind which all the capitols of the ancient states, from Berlin to Belgrade, from Budapest to Sofia, were under the boot of the Soviet Union.

Today, freedom-loving people are faced with a second such curtain. It doesn’t exist in Eastern Europe this time, but along the Potomac. On one side, there are despots like Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Waxman, Sunstein, Emanuel, Axelrod, Specter and Conyers. On the other side are those of us who are sick and tired of having ex-community organizers and their left-wing henchmen doing their best to enslave us. They treat the Constitution like toilet paper; they bribe millions of us, including illegal aliens, with cash and free health benefits, while simultaneously bankrupting the rest of us, along with our kids and their kids.

They have saddled us with so much debt, unemployment and inevitable inflation, one can only assume it’s their plan that we’ll be too wretched to notice that they’re also taking away our rights and freedom. This is the doing of the same people who pretended that the Patriot Act, which did nothing more than try to prevent Islamic terrorists from plotting a sequel to 9/11, was the height of fascistic tyranny.

I guarantee that if our leading leftists were characters in a movie, a lot more people would be able to recognize their villainy. That’s because they would all look like albinos and talk with funny accents.

For instance, the secret ballot has been sacrosanct ever since our nation was founded. However, we find the current administration pushing for card check, which would deprive American workers of that basic safeguard when it comes to union elections. The purpose is obvious. The goons in the SEIU and the UAW want to know whom to intimidate, whose kneecaps to bust. And Obama, whose campaign coffers benefited to the tune of at least $100 million in union dues, is only too happy to return the favor.

The truth is, most people are so easily cowed and so unwilling to deal with confrontation that if it weren’t for the secret ballot, something as utterly absurd as same-sex marriage and as immoral as abortion without parental notification for 14-year-olds would probably be legal in all 50 states.

In the first 10 months of Obama’s presidency, Andy Stern, president of the SEIU, paid 22 visits to the White House. It sort of reminds you of the old days when only Monica Lewinsky had such easy access to the president. These days, with Stern running in and out, you can’t help wondering who’s servicing whom in the Oval Office.

One of the worst things about the House passing Obamacare was having to put up with Nancy Pelosi’s patting her own back and gloating, in spite of 39 desperate Democrats who broke ranks in the hope of hanging on to their seats in 2010.

Speaking of Pelosi, considering that it’s been a very long time since the Speaker was able to blink her eyes or to look anything but startled, do you think her plastic surgeon ever tells potential clients that he’s the schlemiel who did the job?

Frankly, I don’t know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I’m not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we’re number one. There’s no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on “Macbeth”.

The three of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of speech. You don’t know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words.
 

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fox And Foes

by Burt Prelutsky

Whenever I hear people outside the administration prattle on about how evil and biased Fox News is, I know I am listening to a flock of parrots who have never even tuned in. As a conservative, I, myself, have a number of problems with the network. For one thing, I resent Bill O’Reilly’s ridiculing those who merely ask for documentation that their president was born in the United States, and I also wish he’d stop defending Obama against charges that he’s a Socialist or worse. If it walks, swims and quacks like a duck, Bill, it’s a safe bet that you can pop it in the oven and serve it at Christmastime.

I’d also appreciate it if Sean Hannity would wake up to the fact that a lot of us change the channel the second that Bob Beckel shows up on the not so Great American Panel.

On the other hand, I wish that merely as an experiment a dozen or so liberals could be forced to watch Glenn Beck for an entire week. I would be dying to know how they would react, what they would say, after watching videos of Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein, Anita Dunn, Andy Stern and John Holdren, spouting off when they think nobody outside the room will hear about their plans to transform America in ways that would have made Dr. Frankenstein blanch, but put a smile on Karl Marx’s ugly mug.

Back in 1990, the police raided Barney Frank’s home because his gay lover, Steve Gobie, was running a male prostitution ring out of his condo. In 2007, the police raided the home of James Ready and arrested him for possession of marijuana. Ready, who is Barney’s main squeeze these days, didn’t just smoke the weed, Farmer Ready was growing the stuff. The congressman was there at the time of the raid, but denied he had any idea that those plants in the backyard weren’t rhododendrons. I believe he told the police that he was perfectly clueless when it came to plant life. I guess, like Clinton, he never inhaled, either.

Because I am always prepared to grant a liberal politician the benefit of the doubt, I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that Barney has long led the fight to decriminalize the use and sale of the narcotic.

On the other hand, considering his sorry track record when it comes to romance, don’t you think it’s high time that Rep. Frank, who’ll be 70 years old in a few months, should start using a reputable dating service and stop phoning every number he finds scrawled on bathroom walls?

Finally, I understand why so many folks are eager to impeach the president. But that obviously isn’t going to happen. Unfortunately, being a Red and despising America isn’t an impeachable offense. However, there’s nothing to prevent people from gathering signatures in order to recall their arrogant representatives.

I suggest we begin with every single one of those ACORN-loving crumbs who voted for the stimulus bill, cash for clunkers and Obamacare.

If their voting against the best interests of present-day American taxpayers, not to mention future generations, isn’t reason enough to throw the bums out, I can’t imagine what would be.

As with the weather, or at least the way it used to be with the weather prior to Al Gore’s turning it into his personal ATM, everyone complains about incumbents, but nobody does anything about them.
 

Monday, November 30, 2009

Clearing The Decks

by Burt Prelutsky

Periodically, I find that my random thoughts begin to pile up and threaten to overflow from the dusty attic I call my brain. At such times, I have to decide whether to wrap them up and pass them off as gifts or place them curbside for the trash collectors. Inasmuch as we are fast-approaching Christmas season, try to consider the following remarks with the same equanimity you do those holiday fruitcakes that keep showing up on your doorstep year after year.

To begin with, could somebody please explain why they keep churning out one version of “The Christmas Carol” after another? Now, I have nothing against Charles Dickens’ little fable and, in fact, back in the third grade I portrayed Tiny Tim in a class production that is still spoken of in hushed tones. But isn’t enough ever enough? This December, Jim Carrey is taking a crack at Ebenezer Scrooge. The question is why. In the years since the 1914 silent film starring Charles Rock, there have been over 50 versions produced for either TV or the movies. Six Oscar winners -- Michael Caine, Albert Finney, Fredric March, Walter Matthau, Jack Palance and George C. Scott -- have bah-humbugged their way through the part, and another four Oscar nominees -- John Carradine, Basil Rathbone, James Whitmore and Sir Ralph Richardson -- have given it a go, while a fifth, James Earl Jones, had to settle for merely narrating a version.

Next on the agenda is the recent election in New York’s 23rd congressional district. That was the race in which ACORN’s favorite “Republican,” Dierdre Scozzafava, dropped out at the last minute, throwing her support to the Democratic candidate, Bill Owens, who managed to defeat Doug Hoffman, a conservative candidate with the personality and verbal skills of a guppy, by a scant three percent. Interestingly, nearly six percent of the goofballs in upper state New York trooped out and cast their votes for non-candidate Scozzafava. Which strongly suggests that when Mr. Owens goes to Washington, he should rent, not buy.

In the wake of GOP gubernatorial victories that same day in Virginia and New Jersey, Nancy Pelosi bragged that Owens had won in a district that had elected one Republican after another ever since the Civil War. As usual, she lied. Although the area has been gerrymandered any number of times over the years, Republicans haven’t been elected with any regularity even since the Vietnam War. In fact, 11 of the past 15 representatives from the district have been Democrats!

Speaking of House Speaker Pelosi, do you think she would be quite so determined to shove Obamacare down our throats if members of Congress had to live under the same system as the rest of us? Do you think for even one minute that she would agree to a health care plan that rationed plastic surgery?

For that matter, can you imagine Obama’s Hollywood groupies supporting cap and trade if it meant they could no longer gad about in private jets, Hummers and limousines or had to turn off the air-conditioning in their palatial villas?

Recently, I came across a quote by one of the better Scrooges, Ralph Richardson: “I have put on so many make-ups that sometimes I have feared that when I go to wipe it off, there will be nobody left underneath.” When you couple that notion with the fear some camera-shy aborigines have about their souls being stolen when their pictures are taken, I think we all have a clearer idea of why people like Whoopi Goldberg, George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Sean Penn, say the nutty things they do.

That brings us to Barack Obama, who’s never seen a TV camera or a teleprompter he didn’t lust after. Come to think of it, it’s too bad that his administration isn’t a TV show. If it were, we could at least hope it would be canceled after one season instead of four.

In case you missed it, he recently lifted the HIV Treatment and Immigration Ban, thus throwing open our borders to the diseased of the world, including that part of the world where many men believe that AIDS can be cured by having sex with young female virgins. But, really, who amongst us hasn’t at one time or another entertained the notion that what America really needs is an influx of foreigners with highly infectious diseases requiring really expensive, taxpayer-subsidized, health care?

Finally, allow me to introduce you to Diane Metcalf-Leggette, a first year student at Princeton, who is demanding that she be allotted twice as much time to take tests as her classmates. It’s her contention that she suffers from four separate learning disabilities; namely, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, mixed receptive-expressive language disorder, disorder of written expression and developmental coordination disorder. These conditions, according to her complaint, hinder her ability to process information and communicate in writing.

Well, heaven knows I’m as sympathetic as the next fellow when it comes to those poor souls cursed with mixed receptive-expressive language disorder, a group that I assume includes Barbara Boxer, Robert Byrd and Henry Waxman, but, frankly, I find myself in a muddle. I believe, by the way, that my condition is known in medical circles as the hopeless search for common sense in a world gone mad disorder.

For instance, in spite of my best efforts to ward them off, a number of questions come to mind and refuse to leave. One, I ask myself what is this doofus doing at Princeton; two, what would she do with a degree even if they gave her a month and a half to take each and every test for the next four years; and, three, what the heck is a person with her particular problems doing carting around a name containing 20 letters and a hyphen?
 

Friday, November 27, 2009

Redistributing Whose Wealth?

by Burt Prelutsky

For some peculiar reason, America’s left-wingers object to being called Socialists. In fact, we have only one member of Congress, Vermont’s Bernie Sanders, who has the gumption to admit he is one. Still, so far as I can tell, he’s no more socialistic than any of the other leftist pinheads in Washington. I mean, the truth is, Henry Waxman, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Charles Rangel, Brad Sherman, Barbara Lee and all the rest of that silly crowd vote exactly the same as Sanders, so why aren’t they equally honest about their true identities?

Instead, they walk around like a bunch of mild-mannered Clark Kents, but as soon as a vote is called, they rush off to the nearest phone booth and emerge wearing a cape and little booties, just in time to vote for Obamacare, trillion dollar stimulus packages and cap & trade.

What is even more disturbing is that it’s not just the liberal media that denies the obvious fact that the “S” on Barack Obama’s own chest stands for Socialist. I keep hearing such people as Bill O’Reilly and Michael Medved taking members of their audience to task for even suggesting such a thing. I’m sorry, folks, but the emperor is not only naked as a jaybird, but he’s a bigger left-wing dingbat than Hugo Chavez.

Let us not forget that Obama was the presidential candidate who told Joe the Plumber that redistributing wealth was a good thing. Lest anyone think that was a one-time slip of the tongue, it was also Obama who announced that the terrible failing of the Constitution, the Supreme Court and even the Civil Rights movement, was that none of them ever promoted the redistribution of wealth.

Well, the way I see it, redistributing one’s own wealth is called charity. Redistributing other people’s, when done by the government, is totalitarianism. When perpetrated by an individual, such as Jesse James, Willie Sutton or Bernard Madoff, it’s called a felony.

To be honest, there have been times, even here in America, when socialism has been benign. We’ve had agrarian communes that fostered a share-the-wealth policy, although it wasn’t wealth, so much as labor and food that was shared. Israel has a long history of such communes, known as kibbutzim. The best thing about such communities, aside from the fact that people live there of their own free choice, is that sloths and troublemakers are easily spotted and banished, unlike the way it is in capitalist societies, where even able-bodied sluggards and ne’er-do-wells are able to survive through the generosity of the productive.

The way it works here in America, I regret to say, is that the chronically indolent are either given welfare or elected to political office.
 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hollywood Elitists And Other Morons

by Burt Prelutsky

A lot of people seemed shocked to discover that the folks at the National Endowment of the Arts were so ready, even anxious, to devote their talents to propagandizing on behalf of Obama and his administration. That merely proves that a lot of people haven’t been paying attention.

It’s my guess that a majority of those involved with the NEA -- even those few who are talented -- are always eager to roll over for left-wing politicians. Partly it’s because they are so hungry for attention and partly because they lack anything resembling a moral compass.

Allow me to give you a few notable examples of the way that people who earn their living in the areas of art and entertainment can voluntarily blind themselves to those matters that have moral implications. Just recently, we got to watch a swarm of Hollywood retards climbing all over themselves in a rush to defend Roman Polanski, a piece of Euro-trash who confessed to having raped a 13-year-old child. All sorts of big name, small brain, celebrities lined up to sign petitions on his behalf. By attesting to his character, they merely confirmed that they lacked any themselves.

Hollywood is the place where the members of the Motion Picture Academy were once so angry at producer Jack Warner for casting Audrey Hepburn, instead of Julie Andrews, in “My Fair Lady, that they refused to even nominate Ms. Hepburn for her terrific performance as Eliza Doolittle. However, proving, as usual, that they shouldn’t be allowed to vote even when politics aren’t involved, these lunkheads then gave the 1964 Oscar for Best Picture to “My Fair Lady,” which enabled the very same Jack Warner to stride onstage to thunderous applause.

Then there was the matter of Cliff Robertson and David Begelman. When Robertson, an Oscar-winning actor, discovered that Begelman, the head of Columbia Pictures, had forged his signature on a $10,000 check, he blew the whistle. After a police investigation, it turned out that Begelman had been financing his gambling habit with a lot of other people’s money, including Judy Garland, whom he had blackmailed. The upshot was that Robertson had his acting career short-circuited, whereas Begelman, who was only sentenced to community service, was then hired to run MGM.

Shortly after the scandal occurred, I happened to be having lunch with my agent in a restaurant loaded with Hollywood types. When Begelman entered, there was such a flurry of people competing for his attention, you could have mistaken them for a covey of cardinals vying to smooch the pope’s ring.

It’s not just actors, directors and producers, who act like dopes. Consider writer Norman Mailer. Perhaps because he was the fellow who once tried to settle a domestic dispute by stabbing the second of his six wives, Jack Abbott, who was serving time for bank robbery and murder, decided he’d be the ideal pen pal. Mailer became so enamored of Abbott’s writing, he not only used his considerable influence to get Abbott’s book, “In the Belly of the Beast,” published, but got this career criminal paroled. In New York, quite naturally, Abbott became the toast of the literati crowd, but only for a little while because six weeks after his release, Abbott stabbed 22-year-old Richard Adan to death.

Saving the best for last brings us to Leni Riefenstahl. In Berlin, in the 30s, as in Hollywood at any time, it wasn’t what you knew but who you knew, and Leni was a chum of Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s minister of propaganda. Think of him as the head of Germany’s NEA. It was Herr Goebbels who helped get her the opportunity to make “Triumph of the Will” and “Olympia,” a couple of over-wrought “documentaries” dedicated to hyping the Third Reich.

After the end of World War II and for the remaining half of her 101 years, American and European cineastes -- the same twerps who do cartwheels over Michael Moore’s propaganda flicks -- showered her with honors and acclaim. This in spite of the fact that although she claimed she wasn’t a Nazi and would barely have recognized Hitler if she’d tripped over him, had said, “To me, Hitler is the greatest man who ever lived. He truly is without fault, so simple and at the same time possessed of masculine strength.” Sort of sounds like Chris Matthews going on about Obama or Oliver Stone mooning over Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro, doesn’t it?
In 1993, Riefenstahl had the gall to deny that she deliberately attempted to create pro-Nazi propaganda. For good measure, she claimed she was disgusted that “Triumph of the Will” was used in such a way. It was reminiscent of Captain Renault’s shock upon discovering that gambling was taking place in the backroom at Rick’s, all the while pocketing his winnings.

Having seen her most famous films, I can assure you that unless you cut the movies up into a million little slivers of celluloid and used them for toothpicks, there was no other conceivable use for them except as Nazi propaganda.

Moreover, in 1934, Riefenstahl said that “Mein Kampf” had made a tremendous impression on her. “I became a confirmed National Socialist after reading the very first page. I felt a man who could write such a book should undoubtedly lead Germany. I felt very happy that such a man had come.”

She was so impressed with the book that she wrote the author a fan letter. The letter led to a meeting. The meeting led to her directing “Victory of Faith,” a movie about the fifth Nazi Party rally at Nuremberg. So much for her claim that she really only knew Hitler from his photos.

In fact, for someone who spent so many years churning out propaganda films, she was rather inept when it came to lying. For instance, on one occasion she claimed that she was totally unaware that concentration camps even existed, while another time she swore that she only worked for the Nazis because Goebbels had threatened to send her to a concentration camp if she didn’t cooperate.

Frankly, what confounds me is why she wasted even a single second lying about her past. I mean, even if she had been good at it, why bother? After all, sensible and moral people never believed her self-serving malarkey; and, as for the celebrity crowd, they simply didn’t care. They never do.
 

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The False Messiah

by Burt Prelutsky

When liberals wake up in the morning, what do you think they do first? Have a cup of coffee and a Danish or check their computers to get their talking points from the White House? And when they find themselves in a moral bind, do they ask themselves not what would Jesus do, but what would Obama suggest?

Another question that’s been plaguing me is whether Democrats regard inconsistency as their birthright. Or do they really think that when a GOP congressman calls a liar a liar to his face, it’s a sin worthy of censure and just possibly a good horsewhipping, but when a Democrat, Rep. Alan Grayson, in defense of Obamacare, insists that Republicans want sick people to die quickly, defends ACORN on the floor of Congress, and, for good measure, calls Linda Robertson, an advisor to Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, “a K Street whore,” it’s just frank and robust political speech?

Speaking of Obamacare, how essential can it possibly be that Congress immediately passes a bill that won’t even go into effect until 2014, but the President refuses to be rushed into making a decision about a surge in Afghanistan? I realize that Obama’s IQ slides about 50 points whenever he’s deprived of his beloved teleprompter, but, unlike the nonsense about phantom Americans dying in the streets because of our terrible health care system, surely even he understands that there are actual flesh-and-blood soldiers dying in Afghanistan. In the meanwhile, Obama takes his own sweet time consulting his Ouija board. But, then, we all know that members of the military tend to be conservatives, so why should Obama care two figs about their well-being?

Just as a sidebar, doesn’t it seem strange that Garry Trudeau, who went so far as to list the names of soldiers who died in Iraq in his “Doonesbury” comic strip, doesn’t bother mentioning casualties in Afghanistan? Apparently, war is only evil when it’s being conducted by a Republican president.

Leave it to liberals to push through a trillion dollar stimulus bill that has resulted in unemployment rising from about 8.5% to roughly 10% in less than a year and then try to shove through a multi-trillion dollar bill that will bring Castrocare to America five years down the road. But, these, after all, are the same clucks who insisted we couldn’t drill our way out of an energy crisis because it would take 10 years for the oil to get from the ground to our local gas pumps. Although they never got around to explaining why it would take that long -- was the oil going to spend a decade playing hide-and-seek? -- the fact remains that had they started drilling back then, the gas would just about be here by now.

But, then, Democrats never feel an obligation to be logical. Otherwise, they might feel compelled to explain how it is that those beret-wearing, stinky cigarette-puffing, anti-American, left-wing nincompoops in France can manage to get 80% of their energy from nuclear plants, but we’re supposed to make do with windmills and the energy generated by hamsters running on their little wheels.

As much as I disagree with the current administration, I, for one, didn’t object to the government’s recent decision to move a GM plant from Michigan to Joe Biden’s home state of Delaware. It may not have been a nice thing to do, but I think it’s worth it just for the opportunity to hear how the union bigwigs explain it to the UAW members in Michigan, where unemployment is hovering around 15%. Hey, you poor suckers, how do you feel now about busting your butts, not to mention the union piggybank, to help elect Obama?

Speaking of Michigan, I assume you’ve all heard the audio on which a couple of women in the Detroit crowd lined up to get government checks were asked where they thought the money was coming from. It seems they believed the manna was coming straight from Obama. When they were then asked where they thought he was getting it, one of the ladies guessed it was from his stash. The first time I heard it, I had to laugh. By the second or third time, it occurred to me that they simply assumed that, like every other cheap Chicago hustler, Obama had a slush fund at his disposal for buying votes. Which, when you stop and think about it, is exactly who he is and, moreover, what the money is.

Those two women and millions more like them are being paid off for past and future favors. But if you’re one of those people who voted for this huckster and didn’t get your payoff in Detroit, you’re a lot dumber than those ladies.

Getting back to Democrats and their inconsistent ways, doesn’t it strike you as peculiar that they cried bloody murder over Nixon’s enemy list, but don’t say boo about Obama’s attack on Fox News; the U.S. Chamber of Commerce; every American citizen who attended a Tea Party or a Townhall meeting; conservative blogs; Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck; the 1st and 2nd amendments; and in fact on everyone and anyone who objects to a single stupid idea concocted by the loony likes of Emanuel, Axelrod, Sunstein, Dunn, Holdren and Jones. If only Obama waged the war in Afghanistan with the same passion and conviction he wages war on his critics, one day we might actually defeat the Taliban and get to watch Osama bin Laden doing the tango with Rosie O’Donnell on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Some people -- not those folks who cling to their guns and their religion, you understand -- but some people look at Barack Obama and, rather than see a radical leftist who has no more business being the commander in chief than I do, see God Almighty. But I’m afraid they’re very much mistaken. There’s a world of difference between God and Obama. God, you see, believes in free will.
 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Obama’s World And Welcome To It

by Burt Prelutsky

Many people were offended to see Barack Obama once again bowing to a foreign dignitary, the Emperor of Japan. For my part, I was actually relieved that at least this latest breech of protocol didn’t involve his kowtowing to one of America’s sworn enemies.

As most people are well aware, I have nothing but loathing for Obama’s policies, but even I am amazed by his reluctance to handle what I regard as the easy part of his job; namely, carrying off his responsibilities to be a figurehead, to be the proud symbol of this great and generous nation.

Instead, he tours the world on our dime apologizing for our alleged failings and transgressions. He goes to Denmark in order to lobby for the Olympics, in order that his corrupt Chicago cronies could cash in on crooked land deals, but he doesn’t go to Germany to help commemorate the falling of the Berlin Wall. Next, instead of expressing the grief that every decent American felt over the slaughter of American soldiers and an unborn baby by an Islamic terrorist, this bozo gave a partisan shout-out at a Native American shindig. Then, for good measure, he warned us not to jump to the conclusion that the Islamic terrorist was an Islamic terrorist.

If someone set out to show his utter contempt for this country and his disconnect from anything smacking of patriotism, including donning a lapel flag, pledging allegiance to the flag or covering his heart at the playing of our national anthem, he’d find it impossible to out-do our president.

I’m sure that a lot of us still recall the silent messages that American POWs sent us in photos taken by their North Vietnamese captors. They would hold their fingers in different ways to express their defiance of the enemy. I often find myself wondering what messages Barack Obama is sending, and to whom.

Recently, a friend sent me an email in which it was proposed that the Constitution be improved with a 28th amendment. It read: “Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives, and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and the Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States.”

I think that in 2010, any senator or representative, Republican or Democrat, who doesn’t sign on to co-sponsor the amendment should have to start looking for another job. I would also press for my wife’s 29th amendment, which states that when America’s economy takes a nosedive, the salaries of our elected officials are decreased to the same degree. After all, they’re not supposed to profit from their own corruption or incompetence. I mean, these goofballs work for us, not AIG or Goldman Sachs.

This past week, a reader sent me an email in which he referred to me as a philosopher. Even though I knew he intended it as a compliment, I denied it. A philosopher, it seems to me, is a person whose main preoccupation is figuring out why man exists and, whereas I believe the obvious answer is to keep the dogs fed, housed and bathed, the best he can come up with is that man exists so that he can ask why man exists.

Speaking of email, I often receive stuff that’s been floating around in cyberspace for years. I used to get annoyed when someone would send me something I’d already been sent 10 or 20 times, but, after finding that I’d passed along such things myself, I realized that if something was new to you, you had no way of knowing it had whiskers on it. Therefore, I suggest that whoever is the first person to send out these things should time-stamp it so that when it finally reaches me in 2015, I’ll know it’s been floating around for several years.

Getting back to Obama, how is it that there are still people around who regard him as a great orator instead of just a cheese-head who requires a teleprompter just to say “Hello,” and, for good measure, has this really annoying habit of turning…….every sentence into two distinct parts? But perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, apparently there’s a sizable segment of the population that is unable to tell that a can of beer is cold unless it turns blue.

I’m also aware that there are a lot of people who refuse to believe that Obama is anything but a regular Yankee Doodle Dandy, as American as Mom’s apple pie, in spite of the fact that in “Dreams From My Father,” he wrote that in college, “To avoid being mistaken for a sellout, I chose my friends carefully. Those friends,” he wrote, were “The more politically active black students. The foreign students. The Chicanos. The Marxist professors and structural feminists.”

He also wrote about venturing into the East Village for “the socialist conferences I sometimes attended at Cooper Union.” Then, in search of additional inspiration, “I went to hear Kwame Toure, formerly Stokely Carmichael of Black Panther fame, speak at Columbia.”

The fact is that even after college, he was still cherry-picking his friends. As we all know, they included such various Marxists, Maoists and Mau Maus, as, Bill Ayers, Bernadine Dohrn, Jeremiah Wright, Van Jones, Frank Davis, Anita Dunn, Louis Farrakhan, Raila Ordinga, Cass Sunstein, Andy Stern and Rashid Khalidi.

Frankly, I think he would have come up with a more savory circle of friends if he had made his selection from Wanted posters adorning the walls of the local post office.

That group should tell you all you need to know about this menace who manages, simultaneously, to be a narcissist, a Marxist and as humorless as Joseph Stalin on a bad hair day.
 

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Blacks And Blacklisting

by Burt Prelutsky

When it comes to liberals, a question that bedevils me is what it is about them that annoys me the most. I can’t decide if it’s their hypocrisy or their self-righteousness.

For instance, when George W. Bush was in office, leftists called him every dirty name in the book and then claimed they were merely carrying out their patriotic duty. However, once Obama was in the White House, they denounced anyone who even questioned the wisdom of quadrupling the national debt or transforming America in his own radical image as a fascist, a racist or a member of a drooling, knuckle-dragging mob.

Liberals campaign to turn Easter Vacation into Spring Break, Christmas into Winter Break and Columbus Day into something called Fall Day, as if we’re all pagans who hold the seasons sacred and prostate ourselves to the weather gods. At the same time, at least here in California, they’ve managed to make March 31st, Cesar Chavez’s birthday, into a state holiday and just recently turned May 22nd into Harvey Milk Day. So, while George Washington and Abe Lincoln have to share President’s Day, a labor leader and a homosexual councilman each gets his own holiday.

Inasmuch as I am one of the few people who have written honestly about race in America, you’d think that nobody would have to misquote me in order to prove I don’t subscribe to political correctness. But, alas, liberals don’t believe in leaving anything to chance. So it is that some time ago, in response to a black reader’s email in which he denounced white America as racist, I wrote that if this were truly a racist nation, such luminaries as Oprah Winfrey, Denzel Washington, Danny Glover, Kobe Bryant, Will Smith, Michael Jordan, Ryan Howard, Donovan McNabb, Beyonce, Colin Powell, Condi Rice and Barack Obama, wouldn’t be rich and famous. Instead, they’d be slaves, exiled to a gulag or dead. I pointed out that’s how things worked in a racist society.

I felt I had stated the case clearly and honestly. The next thing I knew, someone had changed the wording around in order to make it sound as if that was the way I wished things were! After the big lie went out on the Internet, I began receiving obscene messages from scores of black people who had never read me before. Of course they still hadn’t, but they had no way of knowing that. Furthermore, most of them seemed reluctant to believe me when I tried to set the record straight.

Recently, I received an email from a black man who identified himself as a 42-year-old living in a Chicago suburb. In response to an article I wrote attacking affirmative action, he wrote: “In the article you leveled the challenge as to why Asians don’t require an equalizing of the playing field. I think it has something to do with an unwritten pecking order. Let a white woman bring home an Asian man versus a black man and let’s see what the difference in reaction will be. Asians have always been more accepted because of that pecking order. Rightly or wrongly, that’s reality!!”

I replied: “Whose reality? The Chinese were treated terribly when they were brought here to lay railroad tracks. They were treated like untouchables and forced to live in slums that were worse than anything you can imagine. During World War II, Japanese people, including American citizens, were sent off to concentration camps after having their farms and homes confiscated. It appears that liberals have been treating blacks like victims for so many years that many of you have lost sight of the fact that a great many people have far worse lives and far fewer options.”

His response: “I’ve contended that I’d be ready to scrap affirmative action when sexual harassment laws are scrapped, speed limits for driving are suggestive, and paying one’s taxes is done on the honor system. Until then, reality tells me that such measures are needed so that the state can coerce the majority to do the right thing.”

“The problem with your argument,” I wrote, “is that sexual harassment laws, speed limits and paying taxes, apply to every American. Affirmative action simply benefits blacks, allowing them to leapfrog over more qualified students who, as a rule, happen to be Asian. Furthermore, I’d say that the state has done everything in its power to redress past mistakes for over 45 years now, with no end in sight. And what are the results of those good intentions? A 70% illegitimacy rate, a major presence in the world of illegal drugs and, in spite of affirmative action, more young males going to jail than to college. So, just how long are white people supposed to feel guilty for stuff they didn’t even do? Most white people, for instance, didn’t have ancestors who owned slaves, but a great many of them had ancestors who died fighting in the war that ended slavery. Perhaps I missed it, but I’m not aware that black Americans have ever acknowledged their debt to those who made the ultimate sacrifice.”

Roughly a hundred years ago, the black Renaissance man, Booker T. Washington, founder of Tuskegee Institute, observed: “There is a class of colored people who make a business of keeping the troubles, the wrongs, and the hardships of the Negro race before the public. Having learned that they are able to make a living out of their troubles, they have grown into the settled habit of advertising their wrongs -- partly because they want sympathy and partly because it pays. Some of these people do not want the Negro to lose his grievances because they do not want to lose their jobs.”

Imagine, the remarkable man who said those words never even had the opportunity of meeting Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan, Charles Rangel, Maxine Waters, Barbara Lee or John Conyers.

This brings us to the Hollywood Blacklist, a minor event which has received more attention and aroused far more passion in left-wing circles than the Nazi-Soviet non-aggression pact; Stalin and Mao’s 50 years of butchery; and Julius Rosenberg’s traitorous activities on behalf of the Soviet Union, put together.

I find it ironic, not to mention typically hypocritical, that a great many Hollywood lefties regarded “On the Waterfront” as a pathetic attempt by director Elia Kazan and screenwriter Budd Schulberg to justify their naming names to HUAC by making their protagonist, Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando), a squealer. However, six years prior to “Waterfront,” Abe Polonsky, who, at the age of 89, picketed the 1999 Academy Awards because 90-year-old Kazan was being given an honorary Oscar, wrote and directed a movie, “Force of Evil,” in which his protagonist, Joe Morse (John Garfield), winds up squealing to the cops. Oddly enough, in each case, the motivation is the murder of the hero’s brother -- portrayed by Rod Steiger in one, by Thomas Gomez in the other.

Apparently, squealing is okay if the bad guys are doing something truly reprehensible, such as running the numbers racket in New York City, but totally immoral if the villains are merely lending aid and comfort to -- not to mention tithing -- the Soviet Union.

Polonsky, who died an unrepentant Communist, once said, in reference to the HUAC hearings: “If you said you were sorry you were a radical and had seen the error of your ways, you were let off. That’s the kind of thing they do in Communist countries, but we’re supposed to be a free country.”

For the record, Polonksy was also the fellow who said, “Because we can’t be Joseph Stalin, we become movie directors.”

Do these idiots ever stop and actually listen to the things they say?
 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Obama, The World's Greatest Menace

by Burt Prelutsky

When Barack Obama was campaigning -- not that he’s ever stopped -- back in 2008, he made a number of promises. As we all know, like a cad on the make, he was only trying to get us in the sack. Once he had his way with us, he barely remembered our name, let alone his various vows.

Some of the things he swore to included keeping lobbyists out of his administration, providing five days for the public to review pending legislation and a bi-partisan approach to problem-solving. Instead, lobbyists, particularly those representing unions, have freer access to the Oval Office than Michelle and the kids. Not only is the public not given time to digest major legislation, but neither are the legislators. Early on, you may recall, Congress was given less than 24 hours to vote on an 1100-page, trillion dollar, so-called stimulus bill; more recently, when it came to health care, Obama was telling the sheep on Capitol Hill to vote even before an actual bill was written!

So far as bi-partisanship is concerned, the Republicans have been banished to Washington’s equivalent of Siberia. These days, bi-partisanship simply means that David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel are in agreement.

There is one promise, however, that Obama has kept. He vowed transparency, and anyone who can’t plainly see what the rock star and his left-wing groupies (Axelrod, Emanuel, Jeff Jones, Valerie Jarrett, Cass Sunstein, Anita Dunn) are up to is simply spending too much time watching “American Idol” and college football.

Consider, if you will, the way that Obama has managed to take the spotlight off his attempt to grab control of one-sixth of the nation’s economy that’s devoted to health care and to put the kibosh on conservative talk radio and free access to the Internet. All he had to do was declare war on Fox News. Just like that, the mass media, otherwise known as faux news, turned its attention to the phoniest battle since Gorgeous George and the Super Swedish Angel hung up their wrestling tights.

The way the media carried on, you’d have thought Obama was trying to decide whether to send 40,000 additional troops to fight in Afghanistan or to invade Fox.

On the other hand, it is just possible that Obama’s feud with Fox merely proves that he is as thin-skinned and as vain as some of us have suspected all along, which would fit right in with the narcissism that his constant TV appearances suggests. Not since FDR have we had a president so in love with the sound of his own voice. Not since Jimmy Carter have we had a president so convinced of his own saintliness.

Although Obama is a prime example of egomania, liberals generally hold themselves and one another in such preposterously high regard that normal people -- in other words, conservatives -- can only laugh.

For instance, because liberals are always blathering on about how much they love Mother Nature and how concerned they are about ecology, they are never asked to explain why they are so much better at talking the talk than they are at walking the walk. It’s not just the obvious phonies, either -- elitists such as Al Gore, Arianna Huffington, Michael Moore, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Kennedy, Jr., who live in mansions and fly around in private jets, leaving carbon footprints the equivalent of fair-sized communities in their wake -- that I have in mind.

I’m also referring to the crowd that showed up in Washington for Obama’s coronation and left our nation’s capitol looking like a pigsty.

I’m thinking of the California Coastal Commission, the folks entrusted with keeping the Golden State’s coastline pristine, but who can always be convinced, for the right price, to come up with a variance.

Another example of ecological hypocrisy involves those young Latinos called taggers and graffiti artists by liberals, vandals and punks by the rest of us. I have actually heard lefties refer to the spray-painted messes these jerks create as native art. But, naturally, they never seem to commission the youthful Rembrandts to come out and decorate their fences, walls and garages.

While on the subject, we shouldn’t overlook the greenies who populate Hollywood and who never once gave George W. Bush a thumbs-up for taking out Saddam Hussein even though his setting fire to the oilfields of Kuwait was the single greatest man-made ecological disaster in history, rivaled only by Adam Sandler’s 30-odd movies.

Finally we come to nature boy himself, Robert Redford. Although I am a free market capitalist and believe that Redford should be allowed to build a ski resort, a giant cell phone tower or even have his head carved out of a mountainside, if he chooses to on his own land, I have to question the environmental bona fides of a guy who creates a film festival in the snow-covered hinterlands of Utah.

I mean, every year, upwards of 50,000 people jet in from all over the world for the Sundance Film Festival. It may be swell for the Utah economy to have all those coke-sniffing, fossil fuel-burning, mugs showing up to watch bad movies and make distribution deals, but if you were really concerned about preserving the environment, wouldn’t it make more sense for these clucks to stay home and watch the movies on their TV sets the way the rest of us do?

In my experience, which consists of watching movies on airplanes, a movie that stinks at sea level reeks just as badly at 30,000 feet. Otherwise, why settle for Utah? It would make far more sense to hold a film festival atop Mt. Everest.
 

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Remember Our Veterans

Burt and Yvonne join the country in honoring our veterans. If you haven't read it recently, we hope you will enjoy The Flag & I. -ed.
 

Monday, November 9, 2009

A Major Disaster Named Hasan

by Burt Prelutsky

Some friends were trying to convince me that Major Nidal Malik Hasan will surely be executed for conducting his one-man massacre at Fort Hood. I was willing to bet he wouldn’t be. For one thing, why would he be the exception? Sirhan Sirhan wasn’t executed, Charles Manson wasn’t executed, even Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t executed by the state; it took a fellow inmate to dole out justice to a real life Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter.

For another thing, Barack Obama, who had wasted no time denouncing the Cambridge police department as stupid and bigoted when his pal, Prof. Louis Gates, was momentarily inconvenienced, merely cautioned all of us not to jump to any conclusions in this matter. In spite of the fact that Major Hasan was a fellow who made no secret of the fact he was a devout Muslim who had no use for America and had just murdered a number of soldiers, Obama urged us to keep an open mind. At least the President stopped short of calling for a shout-out for the major.

At the same time, the head of Homeland Security, Janet “The Cannibal” Napolitano, was working overtime to guarantee there would be no backlash directed at American Muslims.

Considering that CAIR spouts Islamic propaganda seven days a week and that America’s Muslims, under the guise of supporting charities, funnel funds to Hamas and Hezbollah whenever the FBI isn’t watching, why are we supposed to be so concerned about hurting their feelings? Lest you regard this as mere partisanship, I used to ask the same question when Bush and Condi Rice kept telling us, as if they were proselytizing for Islam, what a wonderful religion it is.

By and large, American Islamics make little or no effort to assimilate into our culture. In fact, as we’ve seen in one honor killing after another, they’ve brought the worst of their “peaceful” religion to our shores. And there’s also the little matter of 9/11. With dozens of Muslim nations scattered all over the globe, places where female mutilation and sharia law are the order of the day, and other religions -- particularly Judaism and Christianity -- are verboten, why the heck do they come here in the first place?

As for Major Hasan, he just proves that the policy of “don’t ask/don’t tell” has been expanded from homosexual soldiers to include Islamic terrorists. The truth is, if the cretins who were fully aware that Hasan was a lethal menace, but let it slide for the sake of political correctness, had been running the military during World War II, they’d have turned a blind eye to a G.I. who was goose-stepping around an army barrack, wearing jackboots and a swastika.

It will be interesting to see if Hasan’s lawyers try to get him off by pleading diminished capacity. I mean, if his beliefs are insane, as I believe they are, what does that say about those hundreds of millions of Muslims who agree with him?

I’m afraid that in the current climate, the best we can hope for is that Major Hasan doesn’t wind up being appointed to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. But don’t be too surprised if somewhere down the line, he picks up a Nobel Peace Prize.
 

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Mother Nature And The Left

by Burt Prelutsky

When Barack Obama was campaigning -- not that he’s ever stopped -- back in 2008, he made a number of promises. As we all know, like a cad on the make, he was only trying to get us in the sack. Once he had his way with us, he barely remembered our name, let alone his various vows.

Some of the things he swore to included keeping lobbyists out of his administration, providing five days for the public to review pending legislation and a bi-partisan approach to problem-solving. Instead, lobbyists, particularly those representing unions, have freer access to the Oval Office than Michelle and the kids. Not only is the public not given time to digest major legislation, but neither are the legislators. Early on, you may recall, Congress was given less than 24 hours to vote on an 1100-page, trillion dollar, so-called stimulus bill; more recently, when it came to health care, Obama was telling the sheep on Capitol Hill to vote even before an actual bill was written!

So far as bi-partisanship is concerned, the Republicans have been banished to Washington’s equivalent of Siberia. These days, bi-partisanship simply means that David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel are in agreement.

There is one promise, however, that Obama has kept. He vowed transparency, and anyone who can’t plainly see what the rock star and his left-wing groupies (Axelrod, Emanuel, Jeff Jones, Valerie Jarrett, Cass Sunstein, Anita Dunn) are up to is simply spending too much time watching “American Idol” and college football.

Consider, if you will, the way that Obama has managed to take the spotlight off his attempt to grab control of one-sixth of the nation’s economy that’s devoted to health care and to put the kibosh on conservative talk radio and free access to the Internet. All he had to do was declare war on Fox News. Just like that, the mass media, otherwise known as faux news, turned its attention to the phoniest battle since Gorgeous George and the Super Swedish Angel hung up their wrestling tights.

The way the media carried on, you’d have thought Obama was trying to decide whether to send 40,000 additional troops to fight in Afghanistan or to invade Fox.

On the other hand, it is just possible that Obama’s feud with Fox merely proves that he is as thin-skinned and as vain as some of us have suspected all along, which would fit right in with the narcissism that his constant TV appearances suggests. Not since FDR have we had a president so in love with the sound of his own voice. Not since Jimmy Carter have we had a president so convinced of his own saintliness.

Although Obama is a prime example of egomania, liberals generally hold themselves and one another in such preposterously high regard that normal people -- in other words, conservatives -- can only laugh.

For instance, because liberals are always blathering on about how much they love Mother Nature and how concerned they are about ecology, they are never asked to explain why they are so much better at talking the talk than they are at walking the walk. It’s not just the obvious phonies, either -- elitists such as Al Gore, Arianna Huffington, Michael Moore, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Kennedy, Jr., who live in mansions and fly around in private jets, leaving carbon footprints the equivalent of fair-sized communities in their wake -- that I have in mind.

I’m also referring to the crowd that showed up in Washington for Obama’s coronation and left our nation’s capitol looking like a pigsty.

I’m thinking of the California Coastal Commission, the folks entrusted with keeping the Golden State’s coastline pristine, but who can always be convinced, for the right price, to come up with a variance.

Another example of ecological hypocrisy involves those young Latinos called taggers and graffiti artists by liberals, vandals and punks by the rest of us. I have actually heard lefties refer to the spray-painted messes these jerks create as native art. But, naturally, they never seem to commission the youthful Rembrandts to come out and decorate their fences, walls and garages.

While on the subject, we shouldn’t overlook the greenies who populate Hollywood and who never once gave George W. Bush a thumbs-up for taking out Saddam Hussein even though his setting fire to the oilfields of Kuwait was the single greatest man-made ecological disaster in history, rivaled only by Adam Sandler’s 30-odd movies.

Finally we come to nature boy himself, Robert Redford. Although I am a free market capitalist and believe that Redford should be allowed to build a ski resort, a giant cell phone tower or even have his head carved out of a mountainside, if he chooses to on his own land, I have to question the environmental bona fides of a guy who creates a film festival in the snow-covered hinterlands of Utah.

I mean, every year, upwards of 50,000 people jet in from all over the world for the Sundance Film Festival. It may be swell for the Utah economy to have all those coke-sniffing, fossil fuel-burning, mugs showing up to watch bad movies and make distribution deals, but if you were really concerned about preserving the environment, wouldn’t it make more sense for these clucks to stay home and watch the movies on their TV sets the way the rest of us do?

In my experience, which consists of watching movies on airplanes, a movie that stinks at sea level reeks just as badly at 30,000 feet. Otherwise, why settle for Utah? It would make far more sense to hold a film festival atop Mt. Everest.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Inmates Are Running The Asylum

by Burt Prelutsky

When I first began blogging five or six years ago, I wondered how many pieces I would write before running dry. I needn’t have worried. I have now written close to 700, but in this age of lunacy, I’m far likelier to lose my typing skills than to run out of topics, or perhaps I should say targets.

For instance, take the stock market. Many people seem to regard it as a legitimate indicator of the nation’s economy. But inasmuch as it has been moving up slowly but steadily ever since Barack Obama took office, I have to wonder what it is about a failing dollar, a record deficit and a 10% rate of unemployment that makes Wall Street so doggone bullish. Frankly, when evaluating the sorry state of our economy, I think it makes more sense to rely on the reading of tea leaves and animal entrails.

I recall once reading that between one gig and another, Hugh Downs had spent more hours on TV than any other human being. I don’t have any idea if Ed McMahon or Regis Philbin or someone else ever surpassed his total, but I suspect that Barack Obama just might claim the record as early as next weekend. Is it possible that by now even his most devoted fans haven’t had their fill of him?

In the wake of Obama’s collecting the goofy Peace Prize, for which he was nominated within 11 days of his taking office -- for perhaps moving his mother-in-law into the White House -- he has become something of a worldwide punchline. Even the New York Times and Saturday Night Live have taken a crack at him. There’s even a rumor floating around that Joe Biden has begun telling Barack Obama jokes.

Speaking of rumors, I’ve heard that the President will next win the Heisman Trophy for having watched a college football game on TV, and I have started one of my own predicting he will win the Cy Young Award for having tossed out the first ball at the All Star Game.

Then there’s the theatrical event recently staged at the White House, which should make us question whether there’s anything about this administration that anyone but a card-carrying Obama groupie can believe. I refer to the white coats Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod had passed out to the doctors who, for reasons beyond my comprehension, decided to support Obamacare. Were they all veterinarians? Or perhaps they were a group of those pretentious Ph.Ds from the Ivy League who insist on being addressed as Doctor, even though they can’t set a broken leg or prescribe aspirins.

Is it possible that old TV commercial will be revised so that a distinguished-looking fellow in a white smock will admit, “I’m not really a doctor, but I played one at the White House”?

Next, we come to those liberals who insist that anyone who opposes Obamacare; the trillion dollar stimulus package; his energy bill; the gobbling up of GM, Chrysler and various financial institutions; his ties to the UAW, ACORN and the SEIU; his surrounding himself with self-proclaimed radicals; or who even takes exception to the First Lady’s flaunting of her biceps; is a racist. Even if, as a conservative, you respect and admire the likes of Thomas Sowell, Walter Williams and Clarence Thomas, all of whom are 50% blacker than President Obama, you are labeled a Klan member.

In fact, even if, by God, you voted for Barack Obama in 2008, believing, in spite of all the evidence, that he was a centrist, only to change your mind in 2009, after watching him blow trillions of your tax dollars on his pet pork projects, you might just as well be toting a lynch rope.

By this time, I don’t think you even have to be a conservative to recognize that the Democrats are like the foolish boy who cried “Wolf!” Unlike the little shepherd, they cry “Racist!” but, just like him, they’ve done it once too often.

Finally, we have yet another fine example of why liberals should not ever be in charge of anything -- not Congress, not the White House, not the military and certainly not public education. In fact, I believe that parents who keep their kids in public schools when they can afford to send them to private or parochial schools, should be arrested for child abuse.

In case you happened to miss the story, Zachary Christie, age 6, was so proud of joining the Cub Scouts that he brought his camping utensil, a combination fork, knife and spoon, to school, intending to use it at lunchtime. But he hadn’t taken into account the knuckleheaded administrators running the Christina School District of Newark, Delaware.

For violating the zero-tolerance policy regarding “weapons,” young Dillinger was not only kicked out of his grammar school, but faces 45 days of detention in reform school.

Last year, you might recall, a third grader in Delaware was booted out of school because her grandmother sent her to class with a birthday cake, along with a knife for cutting it. One can only hope that Granny then baked her a second cake with a file in it so she could manage to bust out of jail.

Some of us have long been puzzled how a dunce like Delaware’s Joe Biden could keep getting re-elected to the U.S. Senate.

Well, we can stop wondering. That mystery has been solved.

According to Zachary’s parents, the boy takes school so seriously that he sometimes insists on wearing a suit and tie to class. Now, however, it seems he’s afraid he’ll be teased because he’s gotten into trouble. I just hope somebody tells this six-year-old that if he hasn’t been ribbed over the suit and tie, he has very broad-minded schoolmates and probably has nothing to worry about.

But, what’s the world coming to when a nice little boy gets into hot water for taking a Cub Scout tool to class so he can be the cool kid eating soup with his own personal spoon, but nobody thinks a thing about it when Henry Waxman or Barney Frank gets anywhere near a microphone or Barack Obama gets within 50 feet of a Teleprompter.
 

Monday, November 2, 2009

Let's Call It "Infirmative Action"

by Burt Prelutsky

My wife and friends often find it bizarre that I answer every e-mail I receive from my readers, including those who merely write to insult me. On occasion, even I, not being a masochist, have asked myself why I do it. There are a couple of reasons. The first is common courtesy. I figure if someone has taken the time to write, the least I can do is respond. I do permit myself to cut off communication if by the third exchange I haven’t persuaded them to stop calling me a racist, a fascist or a moron. Insulting me is one thing, but boring me is quite another.

My second reason, though, isn’t even slightly altruistic. I have found, at least once in a great while, that in the process of trying to explain my position on a specific issue to a really stupid person, I am compelled to clarify my own thinking. And when I say a really stupid person, I am naturally referring to a typical liberal.

So it was the other week when a reader, a black woman we’ll call Ms. D, took me to task for an article in which I not only shared my uncensored feelings about the Obamas, but also took the opportunity to attack Affirmative Action.

She opened with a question: “Why do you assume that any acceptance of non-whites into educational institutions is due to Affirmative Action? What you’re saying by making that assumption is that non-whites couldn’t possibly have gotten into Ivy League schools on their own merits. Some non-whites don’t even indicate their ethnicity for this very reason. Even if one is accepted because of A.A., he/she has to work twice as hard to prove himself. Nor can A.A. be credited for non-whites who successfully complete their academic careers.”

I replied: “I wish you would just say blacks instead of non-whites. After all, Asians are non-whites and they don’t receive or require Affirmative Action. Next, I never said that blacks never get into good schools on their own merits. It’s liberals who say that and believe it. Otherwise, there would be no such policy. You don’t see it in play for Asians. But, then, 50% of Asians don’t drop out of college without getting their diplomas.”

“When,” Ms. D went on, “did Mrs. Obama ever say that America was a mean country, as you claimed she did?”

“She said it in one of her speeches during the campaign. It was around the same time that she admitted that until her husband ran for president she’d never been proud of our country.”

“You misquoted her. She said that for the first time, she was really proud of her country. The context of the statement being that America had looked beyond color for a change.”

“Lady, if you want America to look beyond color, why aren’t you opposed to Affirmative Action?”

"When did America start using Affirmative Action to elect its presidents?”

“As non sequiturs go, that’s a doozy. I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I do find it ironic that Obama billed himself as the first post-racial candidate.”

“Why is that ironic?”

“Well, it’s one thing for him to get 90% of the black vote in the general election inasmuch as blacks will give 90% of their votes to any Democrat even if, like Robert Byrd, he was once a proud member of the Ku Klux Klan. But why would 90% of blacks vote for Obama over such a devout liberal as Sen. Clinton in the primaries except that Obama was 50% blacker than Hillary? So why is it you think that whites should look beyond color when it’s so obvious that most blacks don’t?”

“Even if Affirmative Action was why Michelle Obama was accepted into schools, should that mean that she can’t acknowledge or be cognizant of racial and other societal ills in America? Should non-whites do a step and fetch jig and say thanks Massa for dis here opportunity? I owes everything to you for my success. Are you saying that Affirmative Action is to cover up or excuse racial problems?”

“Affirmative Action should be called White Guilt in Action. If you don’t object to having your entire race patronized, I guess I shouldn’t mind. The only reason I do is because in order to make room for black underachievers who haven’t done the work and earned their way into colleges and universities, Asian students are being discriminated against. Too many blacks who say they only want a level playing field are lying through their teeth.”

“The success of those blacks you mentioned in your article in no way proves that we are not a racist society. Not when whites still rule America in every sector.”

“Hey, wake up, lady! There are only about 40 million blacks in a country of 300 million. At the rate things are going, Latinos may soon be in charge, but since when do 40 million people get to rule 260 million?”

“Not when most black males in America know what it’s like to be pulled over for no other reason than DWB, Driving While Black. Oh, that’s right -- all black men are drug-dealing gangbangers, so that’s probably why they’re profiled.”

“I don’t want to sound too condescending, but you should probably leave sarcasm to the professionals. I’m not black, but I was stopped by cops any number of times when I was young. When I first began driving at 16, I looked like I was 13 or 14. Then, when I was at UCLA and began riding a motorcycle, I was pulled over on a regular basis, especially when I was working late at the Daily Bruin or on the humor magazine. The problem was that I had to ride through Beverly Hills to get home, and Beverly Hills cops are particularly alert to suspicious characters. Somehow, though, I managed to survive the trauma with my manhood intact. I guess it did help that I wasn’t using or peddling drugs. Yes, Ms. D, it’s shocking but true that a lot of young black men actually traffic in illegal substances. Some black people are outraged that, in spite of Affirmative Action, more black men go to jail than go to college, as if that’s the fault of white society. Don’t you find it the least bit embarrassing that blacks blame whites for their problems with the same regularity that Democrats blame George Bush for the present mess in Washington?”

Ignoring my words as usual, Ms. D steamed ahead: “In your response to your critics, you never addressed whether or not you are indeed a racist. Do you in fact believe that non-whites are to conduct themselves by some societal code or standards determined by whites?”

“I believe that everyone in America should abide by a code of decent behavior. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder just because you’re black and whiny isn’t going to gain you the respect you obviously crave. At most, you’ll have to settle for contempt and handouts from politicians looking to lock up your votes.”

“You use a lot of words to say absolutely nothing. Do you hate non-whites or not? As evil as white supremacists are, at least one knows where they stand and what they believe about people that are not like them. Where do you stand?”

“I have always said that anyone who hates another person because of his race, religion or national origin, is just a lazy so-and-so because the chances are that if you simply make the effort to know him as an individual, you’ll come up with a much better reason to despise him. That being said, I don’t think you really care where I stand or will believe what I say, even though I have no reason to lie to you, seeing as I’m not running for office. But since you asked, I like people who play by the rules and who don’t think they’re entitled to a free ride or a lot of perks just because their great-great-great-great-grandparents happened to have been slaves. You’re not a slave, but you certainly sound like one. If I were you, I’d detest slavery, just as I and most other Americans do. But just as a certain black New York Times reporter confessed some years ago, I’d personally be grateful that as a result of that terrible evil, I was lucky enough to have been born in a country where one’s intelligence, drive and perseverance, are the only things limiting what any American can achieve. Sincerely, Burt Prelutsky.”