Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It Used To Be A Wonderful Life

by Burt Prelutsky

When I was just a kid, I saw the stage musical, Peter Pan, starring Mary Martin in the title role and Cyril Ritchard as Captain Hook. It is to this day the only version of that old war-horse I ever liked. I still don’t know why that story has retained its popularity since 1904. Even Walt Disney couldn’t work his magic on it.

What I remember best about the show, the tunes aside, is that at the point when Tinkerbell’s light was flickering, and she was supposedly at death’s door, the audience was urged to start clapping in the hope that our applause would somehow save her. Suddenly a woman seated behind me leaned forward and said, “Little boy, you aren’t clapping. Don’t you want Tinkerbell to live?”

“I know the story,” I told her. “She’ll live even if nobody claps.”

You can see that, as young as I was, the die was already cast. Even back then, I had zero tolerance for baloney. That is one of my many problems with Barack Obama and his crew of cronies and stooges. They’re trying to make me clap for crapola like cash for clunkers, cap and trade, trillion dollar stimulus bills, AmeriCorps, ACORN, unlimited funds for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, socialized medicine and global warming.

On top of all that, look at the cast he’s rounded up for this tacky production. People used to say they wouldn’t buy a used car from Richard Nixon. Well, I wouldn’t buy a used hubcap from the likes of Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Henry Waxman, Alan Grayson, Christopher Dodd, Barbara Boxer, Charles Rangel, Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein or David Axelrod. Furthermore, I’ve seen guys selling “genuine mink coats” out of the trunk of a ’94 Buick I’d trust more than Robert Gibbs.

It struck me the other day how beneficial a nickname can be. For instance, would Magic Johnson have been quite as magical if people had called him Earvin? Would Tiger Woods, however good his golf game, been quite as effective a pitchman if we’d all called him Eldrick? And would Barack Hussein Obama been able to pull the wool over so many eyes if he hadn’t been called the Messiah?

Barack pretends to be George Bailey, everyone’s best friend, but from the way he pushed ObamaCare through the Senate by using any means necessary -- including bribes and intimidation -- it’s obvious that behind the nice guy façade, he is actually Henry F. Potter, weaving his web like a giant spider, plotting to turn beautiful Bedford Falls, otherwise known as America, into the nightmarish Pottersville.

Two centuries ago, King George III was told that President George Washington, who had eight years earlier turned down the opportunity to be the king of the United States, was planning to give up the presidency at the conclusion of his second term and return to his farm in Mount Vernon. The astonished monarch, who had lost a war to General Washington, said, “If he does that, he will be the greatest man in the world.”

Washington did, and he was.

Does anything more clearly illustrate how far we have fallen in 210 years?

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Liberals Check Their Brains At The Door

by Burt Prelutsky

My ex-wife pulled off one of the most diabolical stunts ever perpetrated on one human being by another. When she was a kid, she took it upon herself to teach her younger brother the names of all the different colors. But for reasons known only to her and Satan, she taught him the wrong names. So, although he wasn’t color-blind, he wound up being what you might call color-dumb, believing that purple was yellow, green was orange and white was brown.

What brought this to mind was discovering that it was the late Tim Russert who labeled liberal states blue and conservative states red. Inasmuch as red had long represented the Soviet Union and the politics of those lunkheads around the globe who were devoted to Communism, I wonder if Russert had intentionally set out to muddy the waters or if he, too, had had a sinister older sister.

A great many people, including right-wingers who should know better, have given Obama high marks for antagonizing his liberal base by deploying 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. For one thing, General McCrystal had started out requesting 80,000 additional men and then lowered his request to 40-60,000 when it became obvious that Obama, even after spending two years insisting that Afghanistan, unlike Iraq, was a good war that had to be won, actually believed that he could personally beguile Al Qaeda and the Taliban as easily as he had America’s lap dog media.

For another thing, there was no political risk for Obama. Did anyone think that his core constituency was going to desert him in 2012 and vote for, say, Sarah Palin? The truth is, Obama could order the military to bomb London, Paris and Rome, and his liberal disciples would continue to sing his praises.

Unlike Republicans, who will stay home on election day if the party nominee doesn’t pass a litmus test of political purity, liberals will fall into line for any cretin who has a (D) after his or her name. Actually, when you realize how many agnostics and atheists are liberal, it’s amazing how religiously devout they are when it comes to politicians. So it is that in every election -- even without the evil machinations of the SEIU, ACORN and the Chicago machine -- the party of really stupid people has a definite advantage.

Although left-wingers regard themselves as brilliant and sophisticated, they actually place the likes of Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Waxman, Kerry, Murtha, Leahy, Frank, Conyers, Waters, Biden, Lee and Dodd, on pedestals. It sort of reminds one of aborigines prostrating themselves to elegies made of mud and straw.

Speaking of Obama, I have finally caught on to why everything he proposes, from the stimulus plan to health care reform, always comes with a price tag of 800 to 900 billion dollars. It’s the same reason that retailers so often sell stuff for $19.99 or $99.99. It’s all intended to con us. Just as we’re supposed to think we got the t-shirt for less than $20 and the sweater for under $100, we’re supposed to be grateful that at least Washington’s latest lousy idea isn’t going to cost us a trillion dollars.

It’s a shame that politicians are a necessary evil. Some are more necessary than others, but, for the most part, they’re just plain evil.

In fact, being a half-full glass kind of guy, I’d like to think that every time a politician lies, an angel gets his wings.

© 2009 Burt Prelutsky

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Nation Of Immigrants And Ingrates

by Burt Prelutsky

For a very long time now, special interest groups have attempted to label those of us opposed to illegal aliens as racists. The truth, of course, is that those who argue for amnesty are the actual racists. The very same people who are so eager to roll out the red carpet for Latinos would be the first to demand closed borders if 15 or 20 million Aussies, Poles or South Koreans, were sneaking in.

Frankly, I personally find it offensive when folks who come to America, be it legally or illegally, continue to maintain their allegiance to their birthplace. Whether it’s carrying foreign flags in parades and demonstrations or rooting for foreign soccer teams or baseball teams in international competitions, I regard them as riff-raff who don’t deserve to be here. If they want to cook and eat ethnic food, that’s one thing, but how dare they continue to identify with their nation of origin? To me, it’s like a married couple continuing to celebrate wedding anniversaries with their ex-spouses.

After all, each and every transplant is in America for a very good reason. Whether they were escaping a potato famine, religious persecution or an evil and corrupt government, there was a compelling reason they left their home turf.
The exceptions would be those who were rounded up in Africa a few hundred years ago and brought here as beasts of burden. But even their descendants should be grateful to be living here now. Those who continue to grouse about what a racist society this is have had ample opportunity to get back to their roots. The fact that they haven’t taken advantage of cheap fares strongly suggests they’re not oppressed, but simply ungrateful.

As a Jew who gives thanks every day that he was fortunate enough to be born in Chicago and not some Soviet shtetl, I take umbrage when black Americans aren’t equally grateful to have been born in a place where ambition, education and taking responsibility for oneself, and not simply the ability to out-run a lion, determine one’s level of success.

Slavery, we all agree, was barbaric, a terrible sin, but if I were a black who was lucky enough to be born an American, I would have to acknowledge that God truly moves in mysterious ways. If He didn’t, He wouldn’t be God. He’d only think he was, sort of like Chris Matthews and Jon Stewart.

© 2009 Burt Prelutsky

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Life Here On Planet Bizarro

by Burt Prelutsky

Based on the email I receive from my readers, I understand that I’m not alone in thinking that the left-wing lugnuts have turned America into the world’s biggest loony bin. I’m not quite sure how they managed to pull it off, but the evidence of their mischief is obvious and overwhelming.

For openers, we have the administration’s refusal to let White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers explain how the Salahis crashed the state dinner for India’s prime minister, Dr. Monmohan Singh. These are the same folks who spent eight years insisting that the American people had a right to receive regular status reports on Dick Cheney’s bowel movements.

For my part, I am less concerned with the presence of the Salahis in the White House than with Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein and David Axelrod, having the run of the place.

I happen to approve of Obama’s demanding that Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai eliminate the rampant corruption of his administration. Likewise, I approve of Karzai’s insistence that President Obama do the same.

I don’t suppose that anyone was terribly surprised when Chris Matthews, the man who’s given hope to lispers everywhere, referred to West Point as the enemy camp when Obama used the venue and its cadets as stage scenery for his recent noodle-rattling speech.

Many people gave the president kudos for aggravating his liberal base by committing 30,000 additional troops to the war in Afghanistan. Perhaps I would have added a few of my own if he hadn’t used the occasion to voice his opposition to the wars in Vietnam and Iraq, basically spitting in the eye of those gallant men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice in those distant lands.

It says something about the loyalty and discipline of the cadets in the audience -- at least those who managed to stay awake -- that they gave the goofus-in-chief a polite round of applause at the conclusion of his asinine remarks.

Inasmuch as Obama, as usual, provided the enemy with an end date for America’s commitment, one could hardly describe his speech as a call to arms. It was more a call to disarmament. I suspect that, based on his record, whenever Malia or Sasha misbehaves, punishment consists of being sentenced to time-outs in their palatial bedrooms. At the very least, I’d make them listen to an hour’s worth of Joe Biden’s most memorable orations.

What more needs to be said about the current administration than that Obama takes every opportunity to insult America; that he curtsies to the Saudis and the Chinese and pays his profound respects to Hugo Chavez, Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; all the while, back-stabbing Poland, Israel and Czechoslovakia?

And, then, for good measure, he allows three Navy Seals to face prosecution for bitch-slapping an Islamic terrorist.

Is it really any wonder that I wish it had been the Obamas who’d been caught sneaking into President Salahi’s gala event?

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Obama’s Year-end Review

by Burt Prelutsky

Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod have the same contempt for the electorate that con men and three-card monte hucksters have for their gullible marks. And, what’s more, they’ve every right to do so. After all, they took a left-wing radical out of Chicago, the corruption capitol of America, mixed in a dash of “hope and change” malarkey, and convinced 64 million suckers to vote for him.

I’m well aware that a great many Americans are currently suffering from buyer’s remorse, but that doesn’t excuse them. I mean, it’s not as if all the evidence wasn’t readily available prior to the 2008 election. Unless a person had spent the previous year vacationing on the moon, he should have been well aware that all of Obama’s friends, associates and spiritual advisors, were crooks, racists or Communists.

Why weren’t they paying attention when Obama admitted that his cap and trade policy would send our energy bills soaring through the roof, when he declared war on the coal industry and when he told Joe the Plumber that he advocated the redistribution of wealth?

Why did they think that electing a guy who had been a community organizer -- an obvious euphemism for being a left-wing activist -- was a good thing?

And, finally, in a nation that has yet to elect a woman, a Jew, a Latino, a Mormon, an Asian or even, so far as I know, an atheist or an agnostic, why did so many people think they had earned a pass to Heaven for no other reason than that they'd voted for a guy who was partially black?

The folks who chose to overlook all the obvious evidence and stick the rest of us with Obama remind me of those ditzy women who ignore all the telltale signs, and turn a deaf ear to the warnings of concerned friends and relatives, and wind up marrying wife-beaters.

There was a time when people like Mark Twain, Will Rogers and Bob Hope, made good-natured jibes about politicians, and when everybody else regarded office holders as if they were the equivalent of old Uncle Ned, who’d get plastered at family get-togethers and fall asleep with his head in the mashed potatoes. But those days are long past. How can they not be when Congress is bankrupting America and skunks like John Kerry and John Conyers have the gall to confess they didn’t even read the 2,000-page health care bill even though they actively support its passage?

The only real difference between Kerry and Conyers and the rest of their congressional cronies is their candor. All that these tax-supported incompetents care about are the trappings of office -- the huge staffs, the photo ops, and the easy access to bribes and sex. These self-important oafs not only refuse to read the small print, they refuse to even read the writing on the wall. Instead, they elect to defame those Americans who ask only that they abide by the constitution they’ve sworn to defend, dismissing us as mobs, thugs and astroturfers.

Their notion of doing their patriotic duty is to leave everything up to the likes of Pelosi, Reid, ACORN and the SEIU’s Andy Stern -- individuals and entities no normal, decent person would trust to pick out their neckties, let alone their political agenda.

A recent poll determined that 46% of Americans approve of Obama’s performance, while 54% disapprove. But if you dig a little deeper, you discover that 61% of white Americans disapprove, and it’s only because a whopping 97% of blacks give him a big thumbs-up that the numbers are as close as they are. So much for the post-racial America that candidate Obama promised us.

Some folks wonder why so many members of Congress are willing to bury future generations in debt; to destroy America’s ability to compete with China and India by pushing for cap and trade and buying into the “scientific” hoax known as global warming; and importing CastroCare to the United States.

The answer, I believe, is that left-wing politicians aren’t overly concerned with America’s welfare. It’s power and influence that drives them, which is why an embarrassment like Robert Byrd, even as he approaches the century mark, refuses to retire.

In Jack London’s novel, “The Sea Wolf,” the brutal, but erudite, Wolf Larsen, captain of the seal-hunting schooner, the Ghost, is asked why he is content to command a crew that hates and fears him. In response, he quotes from “Paradise Lost,” in which John Milton has Satan, the Fallen Angel, explain his own puzzling motivation by stating: “Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.”

It seems to me that today the ship of state is under the command of Wolf Larsen.

© 2010 Burt Prelutsky

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hooray For Hollywood

by Burt Prelutsky

The other day I was asked if I thought I would ever come face to face with writer’s block. I had to laugh. Inasmuch as I generally write about things that annoy, frustrate or just plain drive me nuts, running out of material or losing the impulse to complain in print are among the very least of my worries.

When you factor in that Barack Obama is my president, Joe Biden is my vice-president, Nancy Pelosi is next in line, Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer are my senators, Brad Sherman is my congressman, Antonio Villaraigosa is my mayor and Jerry Brown is lurking in the wings to be my governor, do you really think I’ll be turning my pen into a plowshare anytime soon?

But at least now you might have a better handle on why I look back so fondly on what I have come to regard as the good old days when an American’s major complaint was that he had taxation without representation.

On top of everything else, I live in Los Angeles and have spent most of my adult life laboring in Hollywood, a place that some people regard as less an actual location than a state of mind. I agree it is a state of mind in the same sense that paranoia and schizophrenia are states of mind.

After working in the field of entertainment for about 40 years, I swear to you that there are a fair number of normal, decent human beings who work in the industry. But truth compels me to say that the lower you go in the pecking order, the likelier you are to find them. That’s not to say that every producer, actor, director and writer, is an arrogant, leftwing, coke-snorting, bottom-feeding egomaniac, but that’s certainly the way to bet.

Sometimes, when I’m daydreaming about what Hell must be like, I envision a place where every day you wake up and have to go work for someone like Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, nasty sourpusses who think that their every whim should be immediately pandered to and who regard themselves as God, but with a bigger expense account, a larger staff and a better pension plan.

In short, Pelosi, Frank and Reid and their congressional cronies, could find true happiness working at a TV network, a movie studio or a theatrical agency. Perhaps you think I’m making this up, but I’m not. Liberal politicians are doing their best to shove Obamacare down our throats, pretending it’s manna from Heaven, but you may have noticed that they haven’t the slightest intention of leaving their own medical care up to a lottery system. And can you really blame them? Do you think Pelosi wants a bunch of strangers deciding if she can get another dozen face lifts? You think Robert Byrd wants to leave it up to a death panel to determine if it’s time to put the old Ku Kluxer on an ice floe?

You could call them hypocrites, but I call them Hollywood hopefuls. They’d fit right in. This is the town, after all, where people are still whining over the fact that a handful of mediocre actors and hack writers were blacklisted 60 years ago because they were, for the most part, unrepentant Communists whose allegiance was to the evil Soviet Union. But these same people think nothing of blacklisting writers and directors who have done nothing worse than made the fatal mistake of turning 50.

Many years ago, radio wit Fred Allen observed that “You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, stick it in the navel of a flea, and still have room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.” I say he was being too kind. Although I regard myself as basically a loyal person, I’ve had about two dozen agents in my life. What’s more, in what was a moderately successful TV writing career, by getting my own jobs, I made money for all of them, except the last one. Which was just as well because she’s the one who went to the slammer for stealing her clients’ money.

The reason, by the way, I kept leaving agents wasn’t simply because none of them ever earned his or her 10%, but because eventually they all lied to me about what they would do for me or, worse yet, what they had already done.

In my experience, agents are people who like to have lunch, shmooze with other agents and con young women into having sex with them. Those are the male agents, of course. Female agents, on the other hand, like to have lunch, shmooze with other agents and con young women into having sex with them.

In other words, if a genie somehow managed to switch everyone in Hollywood with everyone in Congress, you would barely notice it. In fact, aside from the fact that the paparazzi would all have to pack up and move east and that “Henry Waxman: The Musical!” would finally be green-lighted at Universal, life would go on as usual.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Calling All Zombies

by Burt Prelutsky

For the longest time, I wondered why there always seemed to be such a large audience for those stupid and disgusting movies about zombies. But after seeing how many people lined up in support of Obamacare, I realized it was because so many of us, in and out of Congress, had good reason to totally identify with the undead. Like those lurching creatures in the movies, they, too, desperately require brains, but not to satisfy their insatiable hunger, but simply in order to think clearly.

I never had much regard for Sen. Lieberman, who, except for his support of Israel, might just as well hand over his proxy vote to Harry Reid and stay home in his bathrobe and watch TV soap operas. In spite of insisting that he’s opposed to the health care bill, he supplied Obama with the 60th vote he needed in order to bring Castrocare to America. Lieberman, who would like to see his party affiliation designated as an (ID) for Independent Democrat, should realize that ID in his case stands for Idiot.

In fact, all of Congress should come with a warning label reading: Hazardous to America’s Health.

I have been asked if I planned to support Sarah Palin in 2012, and I replied that I would if she got the nomination. Heck, why wouldn’t I? I supported John McCain in 2008, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have the slightest objection to voting for a woman president, but why would I favor Palin over Rep. Michele Bachmann, who, instead of peddling books and trying to prove that she’s not as dumb as those weasels, Charles Gibson and Katie Couric, made her look, is actually doing everything she can to derail Obama’s agenda in Congress.

Because the House and Senate are such constant sources of embarrassment, it’s easy to overlook the fact that there’s a conclave based in America that’s even worse. I refer to that gathering of knaves, thugs and parasites, who congregate in New York. If you guessed the editorial board of the NY Times, you’re close, but no cigar. Actually, I refer to the United Nations.

If you are one of those dunderheads who actually believes that the U.N.-- with such prominent members as Russia, China, Iran, Egypt, North Korea, Yemen, Syria, Somalia, Cuba, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan -- is a force for good, you really should seek professional help. I’d be willing to wager that at least half the people who are currently residing in asylums aren’t as completely divorced from reality as you are.

In typical fashion, a committee of the U.N. General Assembly recently passed the following resolution on the so-called defamation of religion: “Everyone has the right to hold opinion without interference, and has the right to freedom of expression, the exercising of which carries with it special duties and responsibilities and may therefore be subject to limitations.” So everyone has the right to his own opinion and the freedom to express it, unless, of course, they take advantage of those rights.

Or, in other words, knowing, as we do, how little the member states care for Christianity or Judaism, don’t dare utter an unkind word about Islam. Or else.

Just like those who trumpet the grandeur of the U.N., I, too, can see the benefits of a one-world government. The thing is, they want to see it established here on earth and I want to see it limited to Mars.

Finally, I recently identified what it is that separates politicians and diplomats on the one hand and dogs and cats on the other. It’s simply that, unlike those utterly useless people, our pets don’t break our hearts until they die.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Liberal Lies And Conservative Truths

by Burt Prelutsky

These days, as we see Obama’s approval rating plummeting in the polls and we hear more and more people expressing buyer’s remorse, it occurs to me that the only two areas of advertising in which blatant lies are permitted are movies and politics. And I, for one, would like to know why we can get our money back if we buy a toaster that burns the pumpernickel, but not if we’re tricked into seeing a Will Ferrell movie the ads insisted was a laugh riot. And why is it we’re not allowed a do-over if it turns out we voted for a devout Marxist only because he swore he was a centrist during the campaign?

Next, I’d like to know why when congressmen swear to uphold and defend the Constitution, which still included the 1st and 2nd amendment the last time I looked, Rep. Henry Waxman gets to say, “If someone is so fearful that they’re going to start using their weapons to protect their rights, it makes me very nervous that these people have these weapons at all.” If I recall correctly, that’s the same thing that King George III said back around 1775. It seems that the King, who was nicknamed Mad George, was only intermittently out of his gourd, according to his contemporaries. But even on his worst days, it’s unlikely that he, unlike Mad Henry, would have voted to continue funding ACORN.

Sometimes I give myself a headache trying to figure out why so-called intellectuals -- those in the obsequious media and academia -- are so bloody anxious to give a giant shout-out to such idiocies as cap & trade, 12 trillion dollar deficits and Castrocare -- policies guaranteed to bankrupt America, programs that wouldn’t redistribute wealth, but would merely guarantee poverty. Why, I ask myself, would anyone want to emulate England and Canada, where you have to enter a lottery in order to get dibs on a doctor and wait months, sometimes years, for an operation?

The only reason I can come up with is that these eggheads believe that only by radically shaking up the status quo will they obtain the power and prestige they crave so desperately. Even if the end result is a dictatorship, they’re okay with it so long as they wind up in the inner circle.

Oddly enough, although they love to parrot Santayana’s line about those who don’t learn from history being doomed to repeat it, it’s they who were obviously dozing off in class when they should have been taking notes. The fact is, as history tells us, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Castro, all treated their useful idiots -- I mean their intellectuals -- the exact same way; namely, as compost.

Yet another obnoxious thing about elitists is the way they go on about the wonders of diversity. But of course the only diversity they ever champion is the one defined by pigmentation. When it comes to diversity of opinion, they all become as censorious as Puritans. Let a conservative try to speak on a college campus and he’ll be shouted down. Let a conservative speak his mind on the radio, TV or Internet, and the president makes threatening noises about shutting them down.

Recently, we were told one of the biggest lies of all. We were told by the New York Times, the U.S. military and Barack Obama, that Major Hasan had simply cracked up. We were told he was suffering from the very first case of pre-post-traumatic stress disorder. We were even told that he killed 13 soldiers and an unborn baby and wounded 30 other people because he had at one time or another been teased.

What we weren’t told, because it might embarrass Muslims, is that Major Hasan was a devout Islamic. On the other hand, if Hasan had been a devout Christian who had hollered “Christ is great!” as he went on his slaughter spree, why do I doubt that the N.Y. Times, General Casey and Barack Obama, would be trying to bury the truth under a truckload of politically correct manure?

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of our leaders trying to convince us that we’re not engaged in a religious war. There is a reason that in the wake of 9/11, we didn’t immediately bomb Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen or Syria. Oil aside, we didn’t bomb them because the U.S. wasn’t attacked by any one country, as we had been when Japan leveled Pearl Harbor. This time, the sneak attack was perpetrated by a religion. It was the same vile religion that took hostages in 1979, that bombed our embassies and our Marine base, that blew a hole in the USS Cole, and that first tried to bring down the Twin Towers, in 1993.

And because it’s a religious war, a jihad, I don’t understand why neither we nor Israel fights it in the appropriate fashion. Why is it that our military doesn’t dip its bullets and bombs in pig blood and why doesn’t Israel announce that the remains of suicide bombers will henceforth be buried in pigskins?

It’s hard to imagine that even after 61 years of constant attacks and threats of extinction, Israel still insists on taking prisoners. Eventually, when Israel has jailed enough of these vermin, the enemy kidnaps, tortures and murders, an Israeli soldier, and then swaps his corpse for a hundred or two hundred terrorists.

I suspect that liberals will find my suggestions not only insensitive, but downright repulsive. Leave it to a liberal to be more deeply offended by the spilling of a pig’s blood than that of a human.

It just seems to me that if you have kryptonite, you’re a schmuck if you don’t use it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The New And Improved Iron Curtain

by Burt Prelutsky

Back in 1946, Winston Churchill, in a speech delivered at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri, referred to an Iron Curtain that had descended across the Continent, behind which all the capitols of the ancient states, from Berlin to Belgrade, from Budapest to Sofia, were under the boot of the Soviet Union.

Today, freedom-loving people are faced with a second such curtain. It doesn’t exist in Eastern Europe this time, but along the Potomac. On one side, there are despots like Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Waxman, Sunstein, Emanuel, Axelrod, Specter and Conyers. On the other side are those of us who are sick and tired of having ex-community organizers and their left-wing henchmen doing their best to enslave us. They treat the Constitution like toilet paper; they bribe millions of us, including illegal aliens, with cash and free health benefits, while simultaneously bankrupting the rest of us, along with our kids and their kids.

They have saddled us with so much debt, unemployment and inevitable inflation, one can only assume it’s their plan that we’ll be too wretched to notice that they’re also taking away our rights and freedom. This is the doing of the same people who pretended that the Patriot Act, which did nothing more than try to prevent Islamic terrorists from plotting a sequel to 9/11, was the height of fascistic tyranny.

I guarantee that if our leading leftists were characters in a movie, a lot more people would be able to recognize their villainy. That’s because they would all look like albinos and talk with funny accents.

For instance, the secret ballot has been sacrosanct ever since our nation was founded. However, we find the current administration pushing for card check, which would deprive American workers of that basic safeguard when it comes to union elections. The purpose is obvious. The goons in the SEIU and the UAW want to know whom to intimidate, whose kneecaps to bust. And Obama, whose campaign coffers benefited to the tune of at least $100 million in union dues, is only too happy to return the favor.

The truth is, most people are so easily cowed and so unwilling to deal with confrontation that if it weren’t for the secret ballot, something as utterly absurd as same-sex marriage and as immoral as abortion without parental notification for 14-year-olds would probably be legal in all 50 states.

In the first 10 months of Obama’s presidency, Andy Stern, president of the SEIU, paid 22 visits to the White House. It sort of reminds you of the old days when only Monica Lewinsky had such easy access to the president. These days, with Stern running in and out, you can’t help wondering who’s servicing whom in the Oval Office.

One of the worst things about the House passing Obamacare was having to put up with Nancy Pelosi’s patting her own back and gloating, in spite of 39 desperate Democrats who broke ranks in the hope of hanging on to their seats in 2010.

Speaking of Pelosi, considering that it’s been a very long time since the Speaker was able to blink her eyes or to look anything but startled, do you think her plastic surgeon ever tells potential clients that he’s the schlemiel who did the job?

Frankly, I don’t know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I’m not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we’re number one. There’s no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on “Macbeth”.

The three of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of speech. You don’t know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Fox And Foes

by Burt Prelutsky

Whenever I hear people outside the administration prattle on about how evil and biased Fox News is, I know I am listening to a flock of parrots who have never even tuned in. As a conservative, I, myself, have a number of problems with the network. For one thing, I resent Bill O’Reilly’s ridiculing those who merely ask for documentation that their president was born in the United States, and I also wish he’d stop defending Obama against charges that he’s a Socialist or worse. If it walks, swims and quacks like a duck, Bill, it’s a safe bet that you can pop it in the oven and serve it at Christmastime.

I’d also appreciate it if Sean Hannity would wake up to the fact that a lot of us change the channel the second that Bob Beckel shows up on the not so Great American Panel.

On the other hand, I wish that merely as an experiment a dozen or so liberals could be forced to watch Glenn Beck for an entire week. I would be dying to know how they would react, what they would say, after watching videos of Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Cass Sunstein, Anita Dunn, Andy Stern and John Holdren, spouting off when they think nobody outside the room will hear about their plans to transform America in ways that would have made Dr. Frankenstein blanch, but put a smile on Karl Marx’s ugly mug.

Back in 1990, the police raided Barney Frank’s home because his gay lover, Steve Gobie, was running a male prostitution ring out of his condo. In 2007, the police raided the home of James Ready and arrested him for possession of marijuana. Ready, who is Barney’s main squeeze these days, didn’t just smoke the weed, Farmer Ready was growing the stuff. The congressman was there at the time of the raid, but denied he had any idea that those plants in the backyard weren’t rhododendrons. I believe he told the police that he was perfectly clueless when it came to plant life. I guess, like Clinton, he never inhaled, either.

Because I am always prepared to grant a liberal politician the benefit of the doubt, I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that Barney has long led the fight to decriminalize the use and sale of the narcotic.

On the other hand, considering his sorry track record when it comes to romance, don’t you think it’s high time that Rep. Frank, who’ll be 70 years old in a few months, should start using a reputable dating service and stop phoning every number he finds scrawled on bathroom walls?

Finally, I understand why so many folks are eager to impeach the president. But that obviously isn’t going to happen. Unfortunately, being a Red and despising America isn’t an impeachable offense. However, there’s nothing to prevent people from gathering signatures in order to recall their arrogant representatives.

I suggest we begin with every single one of those ACORN-loving crumbs who voted for the stimulus bill, cash for clunkers and Obamacare.

If their voting against the best interests of present-day American taxpayers, not to mention future generations, isn’t reason enough to throw the bums out, I can’t imagine what would be.

As with the weather, or at least the way it used to be with the weather prior to Al Gore’s turning it into his personal ATM, everyone complains about incumbents, but nobody does anything about them.