Friday, July 16, 2010

Shoot ’Em With Guns, Not Cameras

by Burt Prelutsky

I have heard there are native tribes who refuse to be photographed because they fear the camera will snatch away their souls. I used to wonder where they got that quirky idea, but that was a long time ago.

Since then, I have heard Carrie Fisher say, “Obama is brilliant. The thing is, he’s half-white, but that’s not enough for the Tea Bag crowd. For them, it’s all white or (expletive deleted)-off!”

Sean Penn hopes his right-wing critics “die screaming of rectal cancer.”

Julia Roberts pointed out that “Republican” in the dictionary comes just after “reptile” and just before “repugnant.”

Susan Sarandon observed that “Sarah Palin’s views are so limiting, they set the women’s movement back years. When you get a woman in government, you want the right woman. You don’t want just any vagina.”

Michael Moore said: “I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a ‘deserter.’ What I meant to say is that he is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants.”

Janeane Garofalo declared that the world was better off when the Soviet Union was a superpower, and, never satisfied to leave bad enough alone, went on to say, “The reason a person is a conservative Republican is because something is wrong with them. That’s science -- that’s neuroscience!” About the folks in the Tea Party, she insisted, “It is all about having a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up and they’re nothing but a bunch of tea-bagging rednecks.”

Joy Behar not only defended creepy Joe McGinniss’s decision to purchase a house next door to the Palins, but seconded his comments comparing Palin’s criticism to the behavior of Nazi storm troopers. It reminded me of California gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown’s comparing his opponent, Meg Whitman, to Hitler’s minister of propaganda, Joseph Goebbels. Is it just my imagination or do some people never give a second thought to Nazis or Islamic terrorists except when they’re looking to compare Republicans to something bad?

Danny Glover, who despises America and adores communism, blames global warming for the earthquake in Haiti. Together with Steven Spielberg, Oliver Stone and Sean Penn, Glover is a charter member of the Fidel Castro/Hugo Chavez Fan Club. Odd, isn’t it, how these people subscribe to all things socialistic except when it comes to their paychecks?

According to George Clooney, “It started with the witch hunts in Salem. The conservatives’ point of view was ‘Burn them at the stake,’ and the liberals’ point of view was ‘There are no witches.’ And that’s how it continued with the civil rights movement and women’s suffrage. The liberals were always right in the end.”

Harry Belafonte slandered Condi Rice and Colin Powell, calling them house slaves. He told Hugo Chavez that he and millions of his fellow Americans supported his Chilean revolution. Then, for good measure, Belafonte called George W. Bush a terrorist, saying he was far worse than the jihadists responsible for 9/11, and labeled the Dept. of Homeland Security America’s Gestapo.

Rosie O’Donnell stuck up for Helen Thomas after the 89-year-old gargoyle told the Israelis to “get the hell out of Palestine” and go back to Poland and Germany.

It took me a good long time to realize that the tribesmen were correct in thinking the camera had a magical way of stealing people’s souls, but, so far as I know, they remain unaware that it can also make off with their brains.

©2010 Burt Prelutsky

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