Monday, February 28, 2011

Shooting Liberal Fish in a Barrel

by Burt Prelutsky

It isn’t merely that they’re always wrong about everything that makes leftists so damn obnoxious, it’s their unshakeable belief that they’re always right.

In a world that calls for logic, they have an endless supply of emotion. Talk about bringing a knife to a gunfight, these lunkheads bring a crying towel.

They talk incessantly about the need to raise taxes, mainly to provide for the poor. But, one, it’s the taxes that are making more and more people poor and, two, they themselves retain an army of accountants and money managers to keep their tax bite to an absolute minimum. Or, better yet, they arrange things so that they receive their money through trusts, tax shelters and offshore accounts. Or, best of all, they simply cheat on their taxes. So it is that in one of those categories you will find George Soros, Tim Geithner, John and Teresa Kerry, Charlie Rangel, Alec Baldwin and all of the Kennedy’s except George.

Time and again, man-made global warming has been shown to be a man-made hoax, but the true believers on the Left will continue promoting it, even when someone like Al Gore curiously changes the nomenclature and begins referring to climate change or climate disruption.

Some liberals are so gullible, I have even been tempted to place an ad in the NY Times or the Washington Post, promising to provide people with guaranteed winners at the race track if they’ll send me, say, a hundred bucks. If they did, I’d send them this morning’s newspaper with yesterday’s race results.

❝In a world that calls
for logic,
they have an endless supply of emotion.❞
If leftists had the slightest ability to reason, wouldn’t they question why Obama and those of his cronies who promote the redistribution of wealth aren’t standing on the corner redistributing all of theirs? Obama had millions of dollars when he became president, and today he has even more. George Soros had billions of dollars in January, 2009, and today he has even more. Why is that? It can’t be that hard to find poor people who will gladly take the money off their hands. Heck, I’d take it, and I’d even give them the names of some winning horses. But the question remains, why is it only my dough and yours that needs to be redistributed?

Also, why is it that liberals are always talking about social justice? What ever became of plain old justice? So far as I can tell, when so-called progressives tack on “social,” what they mean is that there should be two kinds of justice, separate and unequal, one for rich people and one for poor, one for white people and another for everybody else.

The problem is that when Eric Holder, for instance, refuses to prosecute New Black Panthers for intimidating white voters, he is in fact practicing social justice. Which is no justice at all. If anything, it should be called injustice.

Worse yet, it is the sort of thing that Sonia Sotomayor pledged to promote, as a wise Latina, on the Supreme Court.

Which reminds me -- as we begin the long, slow slog to the 2012 presidential election, it is essential that Republicans keep their eye on the prize. It will be a rough, even at times dirty, fight for the GOP nomination. Even without Mike Pence in the running, it promises to be a very crowded field. There are some potential candidates I like a lot, some others not so much. But I vow that whoever emerges victorious from the primary wars will have my support, even if I don’t agree with him or her on every last issue.

The essential thing for all Republicans to keep in mind, whether they’re RINOs or Tea Party patriots, is that Obama has already appointed two justices to the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan and Ms. Sotomayor. The only good thing I can say about them is that, aside from their gender, it didn’t alter the makeup of the Court because the ladies were replacing those equally liberal dodos, John Paul Stevens and David Souter.

But God forbid that Obama gets an additional four-year term and has the opportunity to replace 75-year-old Antonin Scalia or place a younger version of 78-year-old Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the bench.

Keep in mind that long after the Obamas have gone back to Chicago where they can vote for Rahm Emanuel, party with Bill Ayers and pray with Jeremiah Wright, his Supreme Court appointments could continue to hold sway over everything from health care and same-sex marriages to illegal immigrants and late term abortions.

If you think four years of Obama is bad, just try to imagine what 30 or 40 years would be like.

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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sticks and Stones

by Burt Prelutsky

In spite of Barack Obama’s belated call for civility in political discourse, we had Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN) comparing Republicans campaign to repeal ObamaCare to Goebbels’ use of Nazi propaganda to bring on the Holocaust. Some people wondered why, after this vulgar display of obvious lunacy, the president didn’t call him on the carpet. I suspect it was because Rep. Cohen might have said something pertinent about pots insulting kettles.

Mr. Cohen might have brought up any number of Obama’s intemperate remarks, including “They bring a knife, we bring a gun,” “Get in their faces,” “I don’t want to quell anger. I think people are right to be angry. I’m angry!” “Hit back twice as hard,” “A Republican victory would mean hand-to-hand combat,” “I’m itching for a fight,” “Sit down, shut up and get out of the way,” and his famous advice to Latino voters: “Punish your enemies.” It’s not exactly in the style of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King or, heaven knows, even Miss Manners. Actually, if you close your eyes, you might swear it was Al Capone.

Equally dismissive of Obama’s blatantly hypocritical words was Spike Lee, the black racist who admits his blood boils whenever he encounters a biracial couple, who said that America is the most violent nation in the history of the world. He didn’t identify which world he had in mind, but apparently it wasn’t one that included Iran, the Soviet Union, China, Pol Pot’s Cambodia, Castro’s Cuba or Nazi Germany. Put a “Reverend” in front of his name and you might think the ditz had inherited Jeremiah Wright’s pulpit. When those on the left make such utterly stupid statements, it is quite natural to assume that liberalism is a mental disease, just like paranoia and schizophrenia, but one that hasn’t been identified and labeled because it’s allowed to pass for political opinion.

Not too long ago, I saw Roseanne Barr on Bill O’Reilly’s show. She got my attention when she said that she hated liberals, but she went on to explain that she’s a socialist. So then I sat there waiting for O’Reilly to put her on the spot by asking her why, in that case, she owned the macadamia ranch in Hawaii. In a socialist society, after all, it would be the workers who owned it.

When he went on to another topic, I found myself wondering if O’Reilly even knows what a socialist is. Perhaps I have stumbled into the reason he always appears so shocked whenever someone like Dick Morris, Laura Ingraham or Karl Rove, identifies Obama as being one.
Neil Abercrombie
Speaking of Hawaii, its Democratic governor, Neil Abercrombie, recently admitted that they have been unable to track down Obama’s actual birth certificate. And while I acknowledge that even some conservative pundits have joined the left-wing knuckleheads in dismissing a certain number of patriots as “birthers,” the fact remains that the founding fathers wouldn’t have stipulated prerequisites to being president if they hadn’t thought it mattered.

The good news for liberals is that even though nobody has been able to turn up the official document, they have sworn testimony by several people who just happened to have been in the Honolulu delivery room on August 4, 1961. They include Rahm Emanuel, Harry Reid, Van Jones, Valerie Jarrett, Henry Waxman, Bill Maher and Chris Matthews. The attending physician was Dr. Keith Olbermann and the head nurse was Nancy Pelosi.

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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Madness in Madison and Elsewhere

by Burt Prelutsky

There are many lessons to be learned from the demonstrations in Madison, Wisconsin. First and foremost, workers in the public sector should never have been allowed to unionize. Once that happened, it was inevitable that civil servants would wind up being better-paid and better-pensioned than the folks in the private sector. That’s because they got to wind up negotiating with politicians who had nothing to lose by giving in to union demands.

It’s only in the private sector that the difference between resisting unreasonable demands or caving in is often the difference between a company’s making a profit or going out of business.

Of course, in the long run, as the citizens of Illinois, New York and California, now see, the end result of caving in by complicit liberal politicians and craven conservatives is bankruptcy.

There was a time when unions fought the good fight, but that was a very long time ago. Listening to the union members in Madison raving about the glorious accomplishments of unions is a lot like listening to Arabs boasting about all of their great contributions to mankind, and being reminded that they took place several centuries ago.

For sheer gall, it’s tough to find a better example than the union members claiming they’re doing it for the kids. Even the kids aren’t buying it.

When I saw Richard Trumka, the thug-like head of the AFL-CIO, rallying the troops, I fully expected him to say, “Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for the teachers’ union.”

I wonder how any Wisconsin teacher who called in “sick:” will ever again have the gall to report a kid for playing hooky.

Speaking of playing hooky, I am wondering if anyone has begun a campaign to recall any of the 14 Democratic state senators who have been hiding out in Illinois. Justice delayed, after all, is justice denied. Keep in mind that it’s only a rumor, but 14 members of the Muslim Brotherhood have allegedly offered to replace them. Their contention is that even though they’re Islamic terrorists, they always show up for work. They also point out that they are more than willing to do the work that some Americans apparently won’t do.

However, I don’t expect any of our legislators in Washington, D.C., will be casting stones at their Wisconsin colleagues. After all, even with time running out on the federal budget, those 535 seat-warmers took off the entire week to celebrate President’s Day.

One of the items on the congressional agenda deals with federal funding of Planned Parenthood. At the very least, they should have to undergo a name change because the group is far less concerned with planning parenthood than it is with avoiding it. Its stock in trade is performing abortions, and yet those who defend federal funding for the organization pretend that abortions are only a small part of the health services provided. They are lying.

Frankly, in this day and age, between the sex education classes that seem to start in nursery school and all the pills and contraceptive devices, I’m surprised that abortions are still being performed. But in a typical year, Planned Parenthood, alone, performs over 300,000 of them. It makes you wonder if the message of all those sex education classes is that prophylactics only work on bananas.

In the ongoing debate about abortions, the line I have come to despise the most is the Pro-Choice mantra that an embryo is part of a woman’s body -- rather like a mole -- and she has every right to have it removed.

Well, to begin with, nobody ever painted a room pink or blue or threw a baby shower for a mole. In addition, nobody ever named one after a beloved parent or grandparent or mortgaged their home to send a mole to college.

What’s more, if it so happened that it was men, rather than women, who gave birth, I don’t believe for a second that there’s a woman alive who’d say, “Well, it is part of his body and he has every right to do with it what he wants.”

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Monday, February 21, 2011

Adultery and Politics

by Burt Prelutsky

When Bill Clinton was caught up in that messy bit of monkey business with Monica Lewinsky, liberals and the French sprang quickly to his defense. The French, especially, couldn’t wait to sneer at us for our obvious lack of sophistication, although their linguists, to their credit, expressed some contempt for Clinton’s apparent inability to define “is.”

The French feel that a man without a mistress is something of a freak. In fact, if it ever got out that a French politician didn’t have a woman or two tucked away, the Parisian press would label him a sissy boy or, worse yet, an American.

By the time Clinton rolled around, most of us were aware that John Kennedy had had his hands on more Hollywood starlets than costume designer Edith Head. Still, in spite of that, our politicians -- at least so long as they’re Republicans -- are dead in the water if they’ve been discovered wandering off the reservation.

❝The French feel that a
man without
a mistress
is something
of a freak.❞
That’s why I find it so absurd that anyone, including Newt Gingrich, thinks Newt Gingrich has even the slightest chance of garnering the GOP presidential nomination in 2012. After two divorces, each the result of his philandering, the man is carting around more baggage than a redcap.

I realize that there are many people who would argue that a man’s sex life has nothing to do with his ability to govern. They would point out that, at least for those of us who have no plans to be intimately involved with them, how they perform with their clothes on is a darn sight more important than how they perform with their clothes off.

The counter-argument is that the president of the United States isn’t just its chief executive or even just its commander-in-chief; he is the living, breathing symbol of the nation. And as symbols go, a guy whose zipper is always at half-mast isn’t most people’s ideal.

The way I see it, we don’t really know the politicians who represent us. We may see them on TV or even at meet-and-greet events, but that merely tells us what they look like, what they sound like and whether, without a Teleprompter, they can utter a coherent sentence.

Therefore, we can’t pretend to know what sort of people they are anymore than we can evaluate the character of those actors, singers and dancers, we see performing in the movies or on the tube.

Unfortunately, except when politicians have been caught taking bribes, dealing drugs or voting for ObamaCare, one of the few salient facts that ever reach us is when they’re discovered carrying on adulterous affairs.

Perhaps the French would dismiss us as a nation of naïve rubes, but the prevailing attitude is if these guys don’t have a problem cheating on their spouses, those people to whom they have pledged their eternal fidelity, why the hell should we trust them?

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Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Washington Circus

by Burt Prelutsky

When you live about 3,000 miles west of the Potomac, it’s impossible not to feel as if you’re watching the antics of people who should be wearing big floppy shoes and big red noses on the job. The upside is that 20 of them could use a single jalopy in order to carpool to work.

For instance, leading up to Mubarak’s departure, we kept hearing members of the administration refer to the Muslim Brotherhood in terms more appropriate to the Brownies and the Girl Scouts. It was almost comical to hear Joe Biden and James Clapper speak so much nicer about this gang of Islamic terrorists than anyone in the Obama administration had ever spoken about the members of the Tea Party. They even called the Brotherhood “secular and non-violent,” two things they have never once said about Sarah Palin.

While I often agree with Charles Krauthammer, I am starting to get annoyed with his constantly lauding Obama’s political acumen. It’s almost as grating as the MSM’s chorus of hosannas that greet Obama’s every speech. After all, if Obama were as politically adept as Krauthammer claims, he wouldn’t have squandered his political capital in less than two years. Keep in mind that the midterm elections were only the culmination of a disastrous year in which, in spite of his non-stop campaigning, Obama saw his party lose major elections in Virginia, New Jersey and even Massachusetts.

Also, Krauthammer should note, Obama is so out of touch with most Americans that he seems oblivious to the fact that most of us place a premium on good, old-fashioned sportsmanship. Thus, when he was on TV with Bill O’Reilly on Super Bowl Sunday, and mentioned our success in Iraq, I, for one, was dumbfounded when he didn’t take a moment to say, “And for that, I have to give credit to George Bush.”

It wouldn’t have cost him anything, and it might have made some of us wonder, for a moment at least, if just maybe he wasn’t as petty, partisan and narcissistic, as we had previously thought.

But if there’s one group that seems convinced that the president isn’t any of those bad things, it’s the boneheads who comprise the ranks of America’s social psychologists. In a poll of a thousand of them, over 800 proudly identified themselves as liberals, while only three of them confessed to being conservatives. It’s no wonder that the mental health of America is in the unfortunate state it is.

In many ways, Washington, D.C., is a very small town. It has only one thriving business, politics. In fact it is so small and so cloistered, it’s really more like a village. And as such, its distinction is that, unlike most villages, it doesn’t have just one idiot; it has thousands.

Speaking of idiots, the latest one to rise above the crowd is Rep. Chris Lee, a Republican from New York. Not content to keep his smarmy sex life under the radar, the way most of his colleagues do, this goofball stuck his photo on an online matchmaking site. In the text that accompanied his bare-chested photo, Rep. Lee claimed to be 39, single and a lobbyist.

If the young woman who received his message was half as savvy as young women tend to be, her reaction was probably, “He’s 46 if he’s a day, I’m sure he’s married with kids, and anyone who’d tell that many whoppers and expect to get away with it has got to be a congressman!”

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Notes From the Underground

by Burt Prelutsky

I tried, but failed, to find a sucker who would bet me that the Illinois Supreme Court would keep Rahm Emanuel off the ballot. Even people who would bet that the sun would rise in the west tomorrow, if the odds were enticing enough, knew better than to wager that a court run by and for Democrats would allow the law to get in the way of corrupt politics.

Perhaps my failure to line up a bet is because 2002 is still too recent. That was the year when the New Jersey Supreme Court allowed the Democrats to flout the state constitution and replace nominee Bob Torricelli, who was facing federal corruption charges, with old party hack Frank Lautenberg, just a few weeks before the general election. The Court ruled that leaving the duly elected nominee, Torricelli, on the ballot would provide an unfair advantage for the Republican candidate, Doug Forrester.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to turn off a light?
Is it any wonder that most people trust the Mafia more than they do our court system?

Whenever I see an economist, armed with pie charts and jargon, blathering away on TV, I recall that Ronald Reagan once defined an economist as somebody who sees something working in real life and wondering if it will work in theory.

Speaking of the economy, Andrew McCarren, a reporter for WUSA-TV, spent months tracking electric bills after noticing all the lights left on after 10 p.m., in federal buildings, in Washington, D.C. She discovered that the monthly bill ran between $700,000 and a million bucks at the Department of Labor. They averaged $794,000 at the Dept. of Commerce and $799,000 at Health and Human Services. Even the Dept. of Energy runs up a monthly tab of $250,000, and they’re the squirts who insist that we use those lousy CFL bulbs that are not only filled with mercury, but give off less illumination than candles or a speech by Barbara Boxer.

A: Nobody knows. Bureaucrats don’t turn off the lights.
It has led to a new joke on an old theme: Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to turn off a light? A: Nobody knows. Bureaucrats don’t turn off the lights.

But, who can blame them? Mercury encased in fragile glass containers? You’d have to be crazy to handle one unless you were wearing one of those space suits worn by guys who have to deal with hazardous material like nuclear waste or tapes of MTV’s “Skins.”

I suppose Obama would consider it a feather in his cap if a new green industry sprang up devoted entirely to changing and carting away these lethal menaces. Then, in 2012, maybe the same folks could handle the arrangements for moving the Obamas back to Chicago.

In his new book, Ron Reagan claims his father was already suffering from Alzheimer’s while he was still in the White House. Personally, I suspect he’s confusing the dazed look of a poor senile soul with the struck-dumb look of a typical American dad who’s just been told that his son is planning to be a ballet dancer.

While we’re on the subject of Alzheimer’s, I’m wondering if the fact that every time that John McCain sees Barack Obama, he starts crooning “This Guy’s in Love With You” is cause for concern.

The new PC lexicon, which means to do away with such violent words and terms as “targeting,” “taking dead aim at,” “battling,” “stomping” and “demolishing,” will not only neuter political discussion, but put an end to sports reporting. I’ve even heard it rumored that work stoppages will no longer be called strikes, but, rather, caresses. The teachers, nurses and social workers unions are all in favor of the change, but the Teamsters and Longshoremen, quite understandably, are balking at the notion.

As we all know, John Boehner has come in for a great deal of teasing because he seems to have tear ducts badly in need of shoring up. Perhaps surgically installed little tiny sand bags would do the trick. But, as House speakers go, I know I personally prefer one who cries to one like Nancy Pelosi, who spent four years making the rest of us blubber like colicky babies.

Finally, I wonder how often, thanks to Barack Obama, the following scenario is being played out in homes all over America: The wife returns from shopping, laden with boxes and bags. When confronted by her husband, wondering why she’s gone out and blown their limited funds at every boutique in town, she draws herself up and self-righteously announces, “Unlike you, I’m not just sitting around and complaining about the sorry state of the economy. I’m doing my part to turn it around by investing in new dresses, shoes and jewelry.”

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Monday, February 14, 2011

The Housewives of Washington, D.C.

by Burt Prelutsky

I have long pondered why people want to get into politics. I’m aware of the obvious perks and I understand that some people want to be the center of attention. But, still, how can anyone stand having to spend hours in the company of egomaniacal dunderheads like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer? But then I realized that politics serves the same purpose as show business for those people who can’t act, sing, dance or play a musical instrument. But whereas show business attracts the gifted, the talented and the good-looking, politics attracts those who are none of those things.

And just as show business serves as an incubator for unleashed libidos, politics gives the homely, the boring and the totally unremarkable, a shot at being a chick magnet. I even recall thinking back in the 1970s when Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was making a name for himself as a ladies man, squiring around the likes of Jill St. John and other starlets, that any administration that had a guy who looked and sounded like Kissinger as its resident sex symbol was in big trouble. As I saw it, Watergate was inevitable.

But lest you think I am indulging in hyperbole, I’ll give you a rundown on just those politicians who, over just the past two decades, were involved in sex scandals involving female members of their staff. That precludes, say, Mark Sanford, who left his heart and precious bodily fluids down in Argentina.

Frankly, I’m surprised that the wives of politicians don’t insist that their hubbies only hire men. Of course, as we discovered with Rep. Eric “Mr. Tickle” Massa, even male staffers aren’t always safe around randy politicians.

In the spirit of being fair-minded and non-partisan, I will indicate the party affiliation of these old goats who make our laws when they’re not busy just making out. (For the record, Massa was a Democrat and Sanford, a Republican.)

In alphabetical order: Bill Clinton (D), Gary Condit (D), John Edwards (D), John Ensign (R), Newt Gingrich (R), Steve LaTourette (R), Tim Mahoney (D), Robert Packwood (R), Mal Reynolds (D) and Mark Souder (R).

Keep in mind those are just the clucks who, like Ted Kennedy, got involved with their interns, secretaries and volunteers, and, God knows, I may have missed a few. It does not include TV reporters or the wives of staffers and contributors. Neither does it include those who prefer, like Eliot Spitzer, to have sex on a pay-as-you-go basis.

Clearly, these politicians have way too much time on their hands. In such cases, the prescription is generally to take up a hobby. The trouble is, these guys already have.
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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Getting Down to Brass Tacks

by Burt Prelutsky

As usual, I did not make any noble-sounding New Year’s resolutions. I am a realist who knows his limitations. Like the fellow who resolves to gain weight or read even less in the ensuing 12 months, I know who I am and where my good intentions are likely to lead. The best I can do is promise to keep needling liberals. That is my calling and my pleasure.

When, after the midterm elections, Obama resolved to work hand-in-hand with Republicans, I had to laugh. For two years, he showed nothing but contempt for those on the right side of the aisle. Now that the GOP controls the House and the nation’s purse strings, his sudden attempt to appear reasonable is a classic case of necessity being the mother of re-invention.

This is, let us not forget, the same boorish oaf who hosted a so-called bi-partisan summit at the White House, but as soon as Sen. McCain opened his mouth, the President glowered at him and then, sounding like the most churlish authority figure since Nurse Ratchet, barked, “The election’s over, John!”

Obama has all the graciousness of a polecat. If he had his way, he would facilitate the travel plans for every Republican in Washington by riding them out of town on a rail.
For two years, Barack Hussein Obama showed nothing but contempt for those on the right side of the aisle.
One thing you have to say about Obama is that he’s consistent. Even after all this time, he continues to blame George Bush for everything wrong with America, up to and including his Teleprompter malfunctioning. The thing is, if he didn’t want to inherit any of the problems that beset his predecessor, a privilege denied to all except George Washington, he could have easily written himself out of the will. I have it on good authority that Hillary Clinton would have been happy to relieve him of the burden. What’s more, she still is.

The fact of the matter is that it’s not just Obama who tries to employ obfuscation in order to conceal his actual motives. For instance, Osama bin Laden never gave a moment’s notice to the Palestinians until late in the game. It was only after he realized how well it would play in the streets of Cairo, Baghdad and Teheran, that he thought to add their absurd demands to his own primary objective, which was to remove the United States first from the Middle East and, ultimately, from the face of the earth.

Another example of disguised motives took place during the Vietnam War when thousands of young leftists who had never even heard of Mahatma Gandhi suddenly turned into ardent pacifists. All it took was the thought of having to take orders from NCOs who didn’t see their role in life babysitting spoiled young punks who were accustomed to having their every whim catered to by mommy and daddy.

Also, by pretending that they objected to the War on moral grounds, they looked far sexier to coeds, who were equally shallow and clueless, than if they’d admitted that their overriding concerns were getting laid, getting stoned and remaining a civilian.
Honest Abe

Heck, even Abe Lincoln knew how to best play the hand fate dealt him. While it’s true that he was personally anti-slavery, he cared far more about preserving the Union. It’s true that in 1841, as a lawyer, he had argued the case of a freed black woman who was resisting being sold back into bondage. On the other hand, in 1847, he fought just as hard while representing a slave owner who was demanding the return of runaway slaves. There’s a lawyer for you.

Some people are under the impression that, one, Lincoln kicked off the Civil War by issuing the Emancipation Proclamation and, two, that he thereby freed all the slaves. Actually, the Emancipation came along two years into the War, in 1863, and it only emancipated the slaves held in the states of the Confederacy. It did not include the 800,000 residing in the Border States of Missouri, Maryland, Kentucky, West Virginia and Delaware. It also didn’t free those living in Tennessee, the city of New Orleans or 13 other parishes in Louisiana. In fact, Lincoln regularly over-ruled Union generals who took it upon themselves to liberate slaves following those battles fought and won in the excluded territories.

It was to preserve the Union, not to free Uncle Tom or anyone else, that the Great Emancipator waged a war in which 10% of Northern males, ages 20-45, and 30% of Southern males, ages 18-40, were killed. One can argue the merits and historical importance of the four-year blood bath, but facts are facts.

We were royally hoodwinked, and we have only ourselves to blame for it.
This isn’t meant to slander Lincoln, but only to suggest that we shouldn’t be too quick to swallow undiluted hogwash. Perhaps preserving the Union was worth the deaths of over 600,000 Americans, but Lincoln was merely a lawyer and a politician. He was not a god and we’d be wise not to regard him or any other public official as the hero of some absurd fairy tale. Which is exactly what we’ve done with Lincoln, FDR, Kennedy and now Obama. We’ve taken mere mortals and turned them into the stuff of legends.

In Obama’s case, we took a community organizer -- which, translated, meant a left-wing activist with political ambitions -- whose baggage included questionable beliefs, repulsive associates and a totally undocumented background, and we carried on as if he were the Second Coming. We heard his empty slogans and we swooned as if they were rife with profound truths. As orchestrated by the media pimps, we gushed over his platitudes as if his self-serving orations were the equivalent of Christ’s Sermon on the Mount. All over America, atheists saw Obama and found religion.

We were, as many of us have discovered over the past couple of years, royally hoodwinked, and we have only ourselves to blame for it. Used car dealers watched Obama pull off the scam and could only shake their heads and marvel as his audacity. Why, they wondered, did nobody ever kick his tires?

How much longer are we going to carry on like children where politicians are concerned? There are, when you get right down to it, only two kinds -- those who vote the way we like and those who don’t.

They are not heroic or self-sacrificial. They are quite the opposite. By and large, they’re not even terribly bright.

In fact, they remind me of those processionary caterpillars I wrote about recently. The major difference between the two species is that whereas the caterpillars follow one another endlessly with their little furry heads stuck up one another’s fanny, politicians have theirs stuck up their own.

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Beware What You Ask of the Genie

by Burt Prelutsky

As I sit here, Cairo is ablaze with Molotov cocktails, and nobody knows if Hosni Mubarak has booked a flight aboard Deposed Despots Airlines. Come to think of it, perhaps the reason he wants to stay put until September is because he realizes how much cheaper airline tickets are when you can order them six or seven months ahead of time.

A lot of people in America are elated by the sight of mobs gathering in the streets of Egypt. They view it as an oppressed people longing for liberty. They rejoice at the prospect of a dictator being dumped in favor of democracy. That is because a lot of people who are forever quoting Santayana’s quip, “Those who can not remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” have apparently remembered precious little themselves. It would seem that the extent of their historical knowledge begins and ends with the final score of the recent Super Bowl.

The thing to keep in mind is that Cairo and Alexandria are not to be confused with Concord and Lexington, and nobody in the streets lobbing rocks and burning bottles is named Washington, Adams, Madison, Monroe or Jefferson.

Then there are those simpletons whose eyes begin to twinkle at the mere mention of the word “revolution.” But comparing most revolutions to our own is sheer insanity. The French Revolution led to Robespierre and the Reign of Terror. The Russian Revolution led to Stalin and the gulags. China’s Revolution brought us Mao and the slaughter of millions, Cuba’s Revolution brought us Castro and the Iranian Revolution brought forth the Ayatollah Khomeini.

Nobody can argue that each of those uprisings toppled a rotten good-for-nothing, but only a fool or a left-winger (or do I repeat myself?) would suggest that he wasn’t replaced by someone far more monstrous.

Those good-hearted chumps who insist that democracy is the end-all and be-all are sadly misguided. Hitler won a popular election, as did Hamas in Gaza, as did Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, in America. Just because folks are allowed to vote is no guarantee that they can always be trusted to do the right thing. In too many cases, it’s like handing a loaded revolver to a toddler.

At this point, nobody is certain whom or what would fill the power vacuum once Mubarak is gone. But being the pessimist I am, and the Middle East being the dunghill it is, I’m predicting it will be the Muslim Brotherhood, with Mohamed ElBaradei acting as its front man.

I am surprised that other people seem surprised that Mr. ElBaradei would be aligned with a terrorist group. But so far as I’m concerned, he already was when he headed up the U.N.’s International Atomic Energy Agency. You can only imagine how delighted Ahmadinejad and the Iranian mullahs were to have him leading the nuclear inspection team. Leave it to the U.N. to pick a fox to guard a chicken coop or a rat to inspect a nuclear facility.

For me, the clincher was the fact that ElBaradei was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts, thus joining a long line of villains and frauds, including Yasser Arafat, Le Duc Tho, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore and Barack Obama, who have copped the Prize. I think we’d all have to agree that not even the Motion Picture Academy does this lousy a job when passing out its Oscars.

Speaking of the Nobel Peace Prize, I recently got word that Julian Assange was nominated for one by a Norwegian committee member. My initial reaction was that the only thing Assange has coming is a very long prison term. But once I cooled down, I realized that even I was prepared to cut the creep some slack. All I ask is that he finally gets around to Wikileaking Obama’s birth certificate and long-lost college application.

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©2011 Burt Prelutsky
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Monday, February 7, 2011

The Pathology of Liberalism

by Burt Prelutsky

If I had the authority, I would use enhanced interrogation methods on progressives. It wouldn’t be my intention to hurt them. At least that wouldn’t be my sole intention. I would simply want to compel them to face facts and to quit parroting left-wing lies.

For one thing, no matter what AARP and the New York Times would have you believe, most Americans don’t favor ObamaCare. Even a lot of Democrats don’t. That’s why it took bribery and intimidation by Obama, Pelosi and Reid, to get the damn thing enacted.

Another fact of life is that the federal government does not create jobs, except those jobs in government that those of us in the private sector are then forced to pay for through our taxes. The only way the feds can help employment is by lowering taxes and eliminating the endless regulations that, thanks to the ecological zealots, hogtie business for the sin of pursuing profits and placing the comfort and well-being of human beings over that of such lower life forms as snails, spiders and ecological zealots.

For one thing, no matter what AARP and the New York Times would have you believe, most Americans don’t favor ObamaCare.

It is time that Congress and the president acted like adults and quit pandering to those who keep insisting that people control the climate. If we did have such powers, we would have done away with snowstorms, hurricanes and really rotten weather during the World Series. It is also time that we quit pretending that wind and solar power will ever replace fossil fuel. If wind power had such magical properties as the fruitcakes would have us believe, Washington, D.C., would have been a fossil fuel-free zone years ago.

Until something better comes along, we are stuck with natural gas, coal, nuclear power and oil. That being the case, it’s high time that we begin building more nuclear reactors and start drilling in the ocean, in Alaska and anywhere else in America where the geological experts tell us there is oil to be found.

At the same time, the moratorium on building oil refineries must be ended. Who the heck is in charge, anyway? The Chinese? The Saudis? Mahmud Ahmadinejad? Al Gore?

One might, if one were of a kindly nature, pay lip service to idiots and even con men, but only a person out to sabotage America would allow such folks to dictate our energy policy.

Either we want to be free of dependence on the various anti-American despots in the Middle East, Russia and Venezuela, or we don’t. And if for some reason that escapes me, we aren’t serious, it’s time we quit whining about the high cost of gasoline. The folks selling the stuff to us are not our friends. They have every reason on earth to gouge us. But that’s inevitably the fate of suckers, saps and crybabies.

Speaking of those geologists, I think that while acknowledging that experts exist in the world, we should keep in mind that their expertise is limited, as a rule, to their specific field. Unfortunately, we tend to bestow omnipotence on individuals simply because they’ve won a Nobel Prize or, worse yet, are rich.

People, after all, cop a Nobel for no better reason than that a small group of Scandinavians have somehow determined that they know a lot about, say, physics, chemistry or economics; people achieve wealth because they know how to make, sometimes inherit, occasionally steal, money. But as Tevye pointed out in Fiddler On the Roof, while fantasizing about a radical turnaround in his own financial circumstances: “When you’re rich, people think you really know.” I would add that one other advantage that the rich have over others is that people will inevitably laugh at their jokes, no matter how lame.

I heard a while back that NPR’s CEO, Vivian Schiller, was denied her 2010 bonus because of the way she handled the dismissal of Juan Williams. The question that came to mind is why the CEO of a non-profit enterprise should be in the habit of collecting a yearly bonus, especially when a great deal of the outfit’s funding comes out of our tax dollars.

In 2012, in addition to the president, 33 senators will be up for re-election. Only 10 of them will be Republicans. In other words, the GOP could be poised to take control of both houses. But in order to do so, they will have to remember how and why they gained control of the House last November. If they remind us even slightly of the clowns who pretended to be Republicans, but served as Ted Kennedy’s drooling lap dogs from 2001-2007, they will discover just how quickly they can be un-elected.

As for the 23 Democrats who will be up for re-election in 2012, I hope they will spend the next two years remembering what happened to the poor, dumb slugs who had spent the previous two years taking their marching orders from those left-wing drum majorettes, Pelosi and Reid.

It would also serve them well to keep in mind that Barack Obama’s coattails are even shorter than those of Batman’s arch nemesis, the Penguin.

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©2011 Burt Prelutsky
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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Defining “Schlemiel”

by Burt Prelutsky

When I used the Yiddish word “schlemiel” in a recent article, a reader asked me to define it. I suggested it referred to a dummy, a dunderhead, a mental dwarf. I added that to help you identify them, they generally come with a (D) after their name.

So it is that in King County, Washington, the schlemiels have now banned those non-tobacco cigarettes that emit vapor because, public officials have decided, kids might see grown-ups puffing air and conclude it is cool to smoke. Or, unless they’re as dumb as bureaucrats, the kids might figure out that it’s simply a form of breathing, and far preferable to sucking in tobacco and nicotine.

a dummy, a dunderhead, a mental dwarf.

I am still trying to find out whether chocolate cigarettes have also been banished from the Seattle area, lest adults see kids enjoying them and conclude it is hip to eat cigarettes.

Meanwhile, Rep. Frederica Wilson (D, FL) wanted House Speaker Boehner to overturn a House rule that blocks the wearing of hats on the House floor. It seems Rep. Wilson owns over 300 hats, including custom-made sequined cowboy hats in virtually every color imaginable. Frankly, I, too, think the rule should be waived, not to accommodate Ms. Wilson, but in order to facilitate the wearing of dunce caps.

Although leftists like to insist that Hitler was a right-winger, he, himself, called his group the National Socialist German Workers’ Party (Nazi for short). One of his more perceptive observations in “Mein Kampf” was that “All propaganda must be confined to a few slogans, repeated over and over again until the last man understands what they mean.” Madison Avenue got the message long ago and came up with “Where’s the beef?” to sell Wendy’s burgers, “Fast, fast, fast relief!” to push Anacin and “Sometimes you feel like a nut” to peddle Almond Joy candy bars. More recently, we’ve seen “Hope and Change” used to sell us a left-wing pig in a poke.

It might be a stretch to call Arabs and Muslims leftists, but inasmuch as it is American progressives who not only side with them against Israel, but insist that taking logical precautions at airports constitutes racial profiling -- which the rest of us regard as commonsensical -- I think it’s fair play to lump them together. So we now find that the schlemiels in the Middle East are convinced that the Israelis have added wildlife to the rolls of the dreaded Mossad. The lunkheads are convinced that vultures, sharks and jellyfish, have recently been trained to act as spies and saboteurs on behalf of Israel.

Very clever, those Jews. Even if these highly efficient espionage agents are captured and no matter how much they’re tortured, they won’t talk.

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©2011 Burt Prelutsky
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Thursday, February 3, 2011

More Reasons to Despise Politicians

by Burt Prelutsky

When people insisted that there was no real difference between politicians, whichever party they belonged to, I would invariably defend Republicans as the lesser of the two evils. However, when I watched the GOP louts hop on Obama’s bandwagon during the lame duck session, supporting everything from the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to the passage of START, thereby doing all they could to nullify the mid-term elections, I understood those who cursed both parties.

Speaking of which, how much longer are we going to allow left-wingers to mislabel themselves as Independents? Bernie Sanders, Michael Bloomberg and Joe Lieberman, who all have an (I) after their names, haven’t had a thought independent of the DNC since they were in knee pants.

The one thing we need to keep in mind is that politicians, no matter what they say, are not heroic figures on a holy mission. Not even those who may represent our point of view. People pursue a career in politics because they want to become famous; garner endless perks; and, best of all, exist in a bubble where everyone’s life revolves around theirs and where, at no cost to themselves, they are kowtowed to by a bevy of sycophants who do everything for them -- up to and including servicing them sexually and picking up their dry cleaning, and sometimes having to perform both onerous chores during the same afternoon.

I think it’s because it’s so easy to pull the wool over the eyes of their constituents that politicians, who know the sordid truth about themselves, despise the voters in much the same way that rock stars despise their adolescent fans.

When I saw John Kerry leading the successful Senate fight to pass START, it dawned on me once again just how sleazy our national leaders really are. Ted Kennedy was guilty of manslaughter; JFK and Bill Clinton humped everything that moved; Barney Frank had a male prostitution ring run out of his townhouse; Charley Rangel, after being censured on all counts by his House colleagues, went on TV and boasted that he hadn’t been found guilty of corruption. I’m only surprised that, while he ran his victory lap on Fox News, among other places, Charley didn’t bother pointing out that he hadn’t been found guilty of murder, treason or double parking.

In order to be fair and balanced, it should be acknowledged that some of those on the other side of the aisle are all hat and no cattle, as they say, when it comes to their own morality. For instance, Newt Gingrich, who isn’t exactly the picture of a serial adulterer, once carried on while his wife was in a cancer ward. After divorcing the wife and marrying the mistress, he cheated on her, got a divorce and is now married to number three. I have often wondered if guys who lack good looks get into politics just so their fame will attract women the way flames attract moths.

More recently, we had Mark Sanford dumping his wife, kids and political future, for some Argentinean he insists is his soul mate.

We shouldn’t forget Joe McCarthy, who not only lied about the number of missions he flew during World War II, but about the source of his “war” wound. It seems he actually received it during an initiation rite while crossing the Equator.

But, getting back to Sen. Kerry, here’s a horse-faced twit who lied about Richard Nixon ordering him into Cambodia (a month before Nixon even moved into the White House); then, taking a page out of Joe McCarthy’s playbook, lied about his alleged battle wounds; lied about tossing away his medals; and lied, no doubt, when he said he didn’t marry Teresa Heinz (the ketchup heiress) for her money. Still, he managed to convince 13 Republican senators to pass a nuclear arms treaty that helps Russia and hurts us.

Some people claim that liberals are just naturally more adept at spinning the news than conservatives, as if it were a gift, the equivalent of throwing a 98 mph fastball or hitting a major league curve. The sole reason that liberals have an advantage is because, as my friend Bernard Goldberg has been patiently pointing out over the past decade, the MSM widely circulates and gives credence to those on the Left, always ready and eager to pass off their baloney as filet mignon.

Speaking of Democrats, don’t be too surprised if the same folks who placed Jimmy Carter and Michael Moore in seats of honor at the 2000 National Convention, don’t have Julian Assange and Bradley Manning front and center at Obama’s 2012 coronation.

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©2011 Burt Prelutsky
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