Saturday, April 30, 2011

Conservatives Are Too #@*%# Nice

Burt Prelutskyby Burt Prelutsky

Recently, I was thrown for a loop when a friend of mine said he could no longer regard himself as a Republican because he lacked what he referred to as the mean gene.

I tried not to take it personally. But my own tender feelings aside, I found it a shocking statement because, from my perspective, most of the really nasty people I know are Democrats. In fact, my main objection to conservatives is that they tend to be too polite, too mealy-mouthed, too damn reluctant to confront liberals.

Those on the Left never grow tired of labeling conservatives as racists, fascists and homophobes, while those on the Right suggest with their wimpy denials that there just might be some truth to the charges. As Daniel Greenfield once wrote, “They don’t have to silence us if we silence ourselves.”

Donald Trump
There are racists in America, but for the most part they’re to be found in the black population and among those in the Democratic party who patronize blacks and Hispanics in exchange for their votes. When liberals refer to black Republicans and black members of the Tea Party as “Uncle Toms” and “oreos,” what is that but blatant racism? But that is invariably the fate of those blacks who dare to wander off the liberal plantation.

It annoys me that conservatives are so unwilling to speak the truth about, say, the Black Congressional Caucus, which is, along with the Aryan Brotherhood, probably one of the two most racist groups in the country. The difference between the two outfits is that the members of the Brotherhood produce and sell crystal meth to other creeps, while the knuckleheads in the Caucus help make our laws and squander our tax dollars.

❝I don’t know if he’s actually planning to run for President in 2012, but I find I like him more and more.❞

Two short years ago, half a dozen members of the Caucus visited Cuba and came back praising Fidel Castro. It reminded me of the useful idiots who visited the Soviet Union in the 1930s and returned to the U.S., ballyhooing Stalin’s bloody regime. The very same folks who brought back glowing reports about the Cuban thug spend most of their waking hours playing the race card, slandering the Tea Party and fully supporting every idiotic notion concocted by Barack Obama. Congress, being what it is, it’s hard to imagine that any relatively small group could have brought additional disgrace to it, but Bobby Rush, Emanuel Cleaver, Mel Watt, Marcia Fudge, Laura Richardson and Michael Honda, the Havana Six, somehow managed.

A question worth considering is how it was that many years ago, black Americans organized to banish “Amos ‘n’ Andy” from TV because it allegedly maligned the image of blacks, and now, all these years later, blacks not only don’t utter an honest word about these political hacks, but keep re-electing them. At least, unlike second-rate clowns like John Conyers, Charley Rangel, Keith Ellison, John Lewis, Maxine Waters and Sheila Jackson Lee, “Amos ‘n’ Andy” managed to be funny intentionally.

Another question I have for my fellow conservatives is why they have continued donating money to those alma maters that banished the ROTC or military recruiters from their campuses. Maybe it’s just me, but I find it difficult to reconcile claiming to be patriotic while supporting unpatriotic institutions.

On a positive note, I should mention that I don’t know if he’s actually planning to run, but I find I like Donald Trump more and more. For one thing, I already knew from his past statements that he holds the U.N. in just as much contempt as I do. I also know that he had the guts to appear at the CPAC get-together and tell Ron Paul’s acolytes to their face that their favorite cult figure has no chance of winning a presidential election. Then, for good measure, Trump went on The Factor and answered just about every question that Bill O’Reilly threw at him the exact same way I would.

What’s more, he’s tall, and we all know that height is apparently even more essential in presidential races than it is in the NBA.

So far as I can see, Trump is Chris Christie with a few billion dollars. Which, to me, sounds like the answer to a conservative’s prayers.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I watched “The Godfather” for about the tenth time. This time, though, it suddenly occurred to me that the studio chief was lucky because he only had to wake up once with a horse’s head in his bed. Poor Teresa Heinz-Kerry, the senator’s wife, not only wakes up every morning with a horse’s head on the pillow next to her, but with its rump under the covers.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why We All Can’t Get Along

by BurtPrelutsky

I believe it was that seer, that shaman among shamen, Rodney King, who first asked, ever so plaintively: why can’t we all just get along? Unfortunately, he didn’t ask me.

If I recall events correctly, he was about to be handed a check for a few million dollars signed by the taxpayers of Los Angeles. It seems that after getting high on PCP and driving 100 mph through our streets in order to evade arrest, he was slightly manhandled by a bunch of cops who were nearly as high as he was, thanks to the rush of adrenaline brought on by the high-speed chase and the idiot’s refusal to be handcuffed.

In the intervening years, millions of illegal aliens have bled our states dry, taking advantage of our medical facilities, our schools, our food stamps and, of course, our prisons. They, too, wonder why we can’t all just get along.

The same is true of thousands of blacks who were paid big bucks if they had ever farmed, considered farming, seen a farm or, I suppose, eaten a cucumber. Thousands of people who could barely tell the difference between a hoe and a ho were bribed with our money by political hacks who hoped grateful blacks would remember their names on Election Day.

I’m not sure how one would go about inventing a better mousetrap at this late date, but if you want to round up Democrats, you merely have to use cold hard cash as bait.

Sometimes, though, in lieu of greenbacks, gifts will do just as well. It seems that Mrs. Obama wants the feds to give tax breaks to mothers who breast-feed. Michele Bachmann, who has breast-fed all five of her children, told Laura Ingraham, “To think that the government has to go out and buy my breast pump so I can feed my babies! You wanna talk about the nanny state, I think you just got a new definition.”

Any of you who have ever experienced having house guests who overstayed their welcome will know what I mean when I say I can’t wait for the Obamas to leave. In this case, it isn’t your house or my house, it’s our house; it’s the White House to which I refer.

Thanks to Donald Trump, Obama’s phantom birth certificate was finally presented to the world. The truth is, my sole concern with the issue is that the Founding Fathers thought the birthplace of our presidents was important enough to mention in the Constitution. Otherwise, I, personally, wouldn’t have a problem with the foreign-born being able to occupy the Oval Office. I have no doubt that many of our most decent fellow Americans hail from places as far-flung as Formosa, Czechoslovakia, Israel, Peru and Australia.

My objections to Obama have nothing to do with his race or his country of origin, everything to do with his character, his policies and his inner circle of friends and associates.

Just for the record, though, until now I didn’t believe he was born in Hawaii. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he have shown his birth certificate early on, long before his comrades had come up with “birther,” a term of contempt that, miraculously, would have been synonymous with “patriot” if the president in question had been a Republican.

Even now, Obama continues to keep his college application and college transcripts under wraps, although liberals never weary of telling us how astonishingly brilliant the guy is. Maybe it’s just the skeptic in me, but he hardly strikes me as the sort who would conceal his marvelous academic accomplishments under a bushel if they were even half as breathtaking as we’ve been led to believe.

Now that his place of birth has been established, don’t be surprised if a few of Obama’s acolytes come forward to swear that when he left the islands to enter college in California, they actually witnessed young Obama walk from Hawaii to the mainland. You’ll be able to read all about it in the Newest Testament.

If you think I’m being unfair to liberals, let me remind you that when Obama’s predecessor was in office, not a day went by when the MSM didn’t let us know how many American soldiers were dying in Bush’s wars. Garry Trudeau even devoted Sunday editions of Doonesbury to listing the names of the fallen. Anyone find it odd that now that Obama is in charge, you don’t get a daily, weekly or even monthly, update of numbers and names? Well, just for the record, nearly 1,500 American warriors have died in Afghanistan over the past 10 years, with two-thirds of the fatalities occurring since it became Obama’s war in 2009!

Whenever I hear liberal elitists, including but not limited to such bubble-dwellers as New York Times columnists, network anchormen and liberal arts professors, referring to us conservatives as right-wing bozos, racists, fascists, homophobes and run-of-the-mill ignoramuses, I recall that G.K. Chesterton, one of my all-time favorite English wits, once wisely observed that “Without education we are in the horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.”

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Monday, April 25, 2011

Is Obama Really a Shoo-In?

by BurtPrelutsky

In an article for the NY Post, my friend, historian Ronald Radosh, informed the world that NYU was hosting a six-hour conference devoted to “Academic Freedom in the 1960s.” On the face of it, it sounds like the sort of boring event where most of us are relieved not to know any of the participants, thus freeing us of any obligation to attend.

But, according to Radosh, all of the speakers are leftists. Among them are historian Ellen Schrecker, who has argued that while many of those accused of spying for the Soviet Union during the Cold War were guilty, “they did not subscribe to traditional forms of patriotism” and because they were acting on behalf of a cause in which they believed, they weren’t “betraying their country.”

And let us never forget that Lillian Hellman once rushed into a New York cocktail party and breathlessly announced, “We’ve been invaded.” She was referring to Hitler’s double-crossing Stalin and attacking the Soviet Union.

Another speaker at the NYU event is Prof. H. Bruce Franklin, who wrote in his book, “The Essential Stalin,” that “I used to think of Joseph Stalin as a tyrant and butcher who jailed and killed millions… But to about a billion people today, Stalin is the opposite of what we in the capitalist world have been programmed to believe….To these people, Stalin is one of the greatest heroes of modern history, a man who personally helped win the liberation of the people of China, Vietnam, North Korea and Albania.”

Can you imagine how many years of scholarship it took this moron to conclude that the people in those countries are liberated? Not too surprisingly, the author’s biography for the Stalin book describes Franklin as “a revolutionary who is also a professor of English.” In which persona do you imagine Prof. Franklin engages his students?

Folks, these are the people indoctrinating your children. And what’s more, many of you well-meaning ninnies have mortgaged your futures to help pay their salaries.

Closer to home, I recently received an announcement that the Writers Guild of America was hosting a panel discussion devoted to the topic of global warming. Not a debate, understand, but a five-member panel of pinheads who, even after the exposure of the East Anglia hoax and when even the most devout members of Al Gore’s cult have begun referring to “climate change” to account for the cooling that has been taking place over the past decade, my guild insists on proudly proclaiming its ignorant fanaticism.

Recently, I was forwarded an article allegedly written by Dr. Walter Williams. After looking into it, I couldn’t find any evidence that he was the guilty party. In a way, I was disappointed because I occasionally like to call out a fellow conservative just to prove that I value principles over partisanship. But in another way, I was sorry to think that someone I admire as much as Dr. Williams could be so goofy.

That being said, someone actually wrote an article, “No Matter What,” which is being widely circulated, in which the writer contends that Obama cannot be defeated in 2012. He actually insisted that regardless of who the Republican nominee is, no matter what the unemployment rate is, no matter the price of gas, no matter the economy, no matter the situation in the Middle East, Obama can’t lose.

He bases all this on what he regards as simple math. He begins by stating that blacks and college-educated women will vote for Obama. He adds that liberals, Democrats, Hispanics, union members, Big Business, the media, Jews, Muslims, American Indians, homosexuals and, finally, a majority of Independents, will also troop out on Election Day to deliver their votes.

To which I say, with all due respect, hogwash! It’s true that blacks will bestow 90% of their votes on Obama. They’d also give 90% of their votes to Bill Maher, Joy Behar or Bugs Bunny, for that matter, if he had a (D) after his name.

College-educated single women will vote for Obama. If they’re married, it’s far less likely.

By separately listing liberals, Democrats and blacks, the author of the piece is counting the same people two or three times. As I understand it, unless they happen to live in Illinois or Minnesota, those clucks only get to vote once.

Hispanics did give two-thirds of their votes to Obama. But if you subtract California from the total, it’s much closer to 50-50, and there’s no reason to believe that Obama will do as well the second time around.

Union members, Jews and homosexuals, have all been accounted for under the headings of Democrats, liberals and college-educated women. It would be like my insisting that Obama is sure to lose because Republicans, conservatives, right-wingers and Tea Party members will all vote against him.

Big Business and the media supported Obama in 2008, but he was still trailing McCain six weeks before the election, and would have lost to the worst campaigner since Michael Dukakis if the economy had waited two more months before tanking.

When it comes to American Indians, I guess this fellow has a point because, as we all know, as the Cherokees go, so goes the nation.

While I don’t know which tea leaves the fellow has been reading, every poll I’ve seen indicates that at least 20% of the Independents who went for Obama in 2008 have no intention of repeating that boneheaded mistake in 2012.

If whoever wrote “No Matter What” gets in touch with me, I’m quite willing to make a wager that Obama will be dethroned in 2012.

Finally, I certainly hope that Obama and Defense Secretary Gates mean it when they say that America will have no boots on the ground in Libya.

In what is possibly a related news item, the Pentagon recently requisitioned 200,000 pairs of moccasins.

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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Is Obama or Isn’t He?

by BurtPrelutsky

It’s not every day, thank heavens, that Louis Farrakhan, Dennis Kucinich and I agree about anything, so imagine my surprise when we all thought that Obama was a moron for deciding to abide by the U.N.’s wishes in Libya.

While it’s true that Muammar Gaddafi is a brutal tyrant, that’s par for the course in Arab and Muslim nations. In fact, the only thing I’ve noticed that sets him apart from the norm is that he appears to be a transvestite. So, why the heck are we looking to depose him? For offending the international dress code?

On top of that, we had Secretary of State Clinton announcing that the reason we weren’t about to rush to the defense of Syrian rebels was because — and I hope you’re sitting down for this — Syria’s Bashar Al-Assad is a “reformer.” I must confess that when the Ice Princess says goofy things like that, I find myself doubting the veracity of her business cards, which identify her as the Smartest Woman in America.

Speaking of people who aren’t nearly as smart as they pretend to be, I keep hearing pundits suggesting that Hillary will battle Obama for the 2012 nomination. I realize that it’s often difficult to come up with attention-grabbing commentary in non-election years, but this notion is beyond the pale. On what possible basis would she challenge him? ObamaCare? Heck, that was simply HillaryCare reheated in the microwave. Besides, the Democrats know they can’t win a national election without garnering 90% of the black vote. Even Hillary isn’t foolhardy enough to imagine blacks will troop out to vote for the white hussy who unseated their guy.

Speaking of Obama, I am always torn when it comes to listening to one of his speeches. Although I know I’ll get a few chuckles out of it, as when he explained that after three weeks of dithering, he had to dip America’s toe into Libya without discussing it with Congress in order to avert “a political massacre that would have stained the conscience of the world.”

Where does he dream up this stuff? “The conscience of the world?” I fell off my chair, laughing. If only he had gone into show business. He’s a comic genius. I mean, imagine keeping a straight face while delivering that line. Still, he really should seek help with his delivery. I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I find it really annoying when he pauses…every few seconds…when doling out…his knee-slappers. By the time he gets to the punch line, it’s easy to forget the set-up to his joke.

To be fair, the Democrats in the audience don’t seem to mind. Like parents at their kids’ first violin recital, they’re always convinced he’s great. Every time he opens his yap, they think they’re listening to a combination of the Gettysburg Address and the Sermon on the Mount. Of course, unlike the two fellows who gave those speeches, Obama doesn’t write his own material.

But that’s how it is with liberals. When it comes to cutting their leaders some slack, you can’t beat these slackers. Whether it’s Harry Reid insisting that the NEA should continue receiving tax dollars, lest a cowboy poetry festival be forced to sell tickets, or Nancy Pelosi’s announcing that a multi-trillion dollar bill be passed so that we can all find out what’s in it, the ninnies on the left can always be counted on for a resounding “Amen!”

It doesn’t even perplex liberals when they find out that, propaganda to the contrary, Wall Street donated more money to Obama’s campaign than to McCain’s, and that there are enough former Goldman Sachs executives in Obama’s administration to field a softball league.

Speaking of liberals, I am often asked why so many of my fellow Jews are devoted to the left. It’s a complicated matter, with part of the answer going back hundreds of years before Karl Marx was stinking up London libraries. But a short answer is that even though the Jews have a tough, patriarchal God, they’re often raised in matriarchal families. As a result, they come to believe that conflict can always be settled through diplomacy (talking things out) or sanctions (time-outs and no dessert with dinner), but never through war (spanking).

Armed conflict, they’re convinced, settles nothing. They will continue saying this, no matter how often you bring up the American Revolution, the War Between the States, WWII or the Six-Day War. They’re convinced that there is no such thing as evil, but merely an honest difference of opinion, and that nothing on earth is immune to the power of tolerance, good intentions and verbal persuasion.

Which leads me to wonder: Is Barack Obama neither Christian nor Muslim, but Jewish?

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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Barack & Friends

by BurtPrelutsky

In many ways, it must be very nice being Barack Obama. I’m not even referring to all the rounds of golf, where a 50-foot putt is regarded as a gimme; the basketball games, where the Secret Service makes damn sure nobody blocks him out on his way to the hoop; or even all the paid vacations to exotic locales.

I’m referring to all the things he does, knowing full well that the love-sappy Democrats will never get so upset that he need worry about receiving their financial support or their votes in 2012.

As a result, it doesn’t matter if he continues renditions and the Patriot Act; keeps Gitmo open indefinitely; didn’t bother showing up to support the union thugs in Madison; went into Libya for no good reason, but simply because the U.N., not Congress, thought it was a swell idea; gave permission for a Brazilian oil company to drill off our coast, while, at the same time, denying permits to American firms.

Even though it doesn’t matter to left-wingers that Obama is doing everything he can to curtail us from drilling for oil and digging for coal, thus continuing our bondage to the Middle East, Russia, Mexico and Venezuela, he green lights a South American company in which a major stockholder just happens to be his old pal, George (“No job too dirty”) Soros.

Whenever I think about the scores of nefarious organizations that Soros has created and financed, I remind myself that he’s not getting any younger. But then I see this creep, this former collaborator with the Nazis, on TV and he doesn’t appear to be getting any older. It’s enough to make me wonder if along the way, Soros sold his soul, not only figuratively, but literally to the Devil.

What’s more, because most of his money comes to Soros through offshore accounts, he pays relatively little in income taxes. Still, upon hearing the recent news about General Electric, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Soros starts whining to Obama about how unjustly he’s being treated by the IRS.

In case you missed hearing about it. It seems that in spite of G.E.’s having had worldwide profits of $14.2 billion last year, $5.1 billion of which was made in the U.S., the company didn’t have to pay a nickel in corporate taxes.

The explanation for this financial miracle apparently involves innovative practices by G.E.’s accounting department, which, far more than the work done by scientists in its labs, manages to live up to the company slogan, “Imagination at work.”

It’s no wonder that CEO Jeff Immelt, who probably did as much as anyone to get Obama elected in 2008, will no doubt do more of the same in 2012.

In appreciation of his efforts, a grateful Obama appointed Immelt to head up the President’s Council on Jobs. Of course, in spite of the tens of millions of Americans still jobless, Immelt’s first order of business is ensuring that Obama keeps his. And with all that tax money that Immelt didn’t have to fork over to Uncle Sam, I’m sure he’ll be able to do his old pal a world of good.

Is it any wonder that Obama and Immelt have spent so much time hugging each other these past two years that even Michele has begun asking questions?

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Monday, April 18, 2011

Names in the News

by BurtPrelutsky

What, you well may ask, do Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee and Sheriffs Paul Babeu and Larry Dever, have in common? On almost a daily basis, they send me or my wife letters beseeching us to send them donations. What’s more, even though we ignore their pleas, their faith never wanes. Although I admire perseverance as much as the next guy, I’m going to take this opportunity to set them straight. If I had any money lying around that I didn’t need for food and gasoline, there are probably about 84,000 charities I’d send it to before coughing it up for a couple of sheriffs and a couple of ex-politicians who are trying to turn some face time on TV into competition with the Red Cross and the Little Sisters of Mercy.

Maybe these leeches can lure Jerry Lewis out of retirement to host a telethon. I might even tune in if there’s the slightest chance that Jerry might dandle Gingrich on his knee.

In the wake of the last-second budget agreement, some people are saying that Obama caved and that it will cost him some votes in 2012. The question is whether the Washington pundits mean it when they say these dopey things or if they’re just trying to give me a much-needed laugh in these troubling times. The fact is, Obama has changed his position on Gitmo, civilian trials for terrorists, deploying troops without congressional approval, renditions and transparency, and no matter what Paul Krugman and the NY Times say, Obama’s base will line up like a bunch of lap dogs on Election Day. Liberals, as everybody knows, are like those women in country music songs who are always getting their hearts trampled on, but they can’t help lovin’ that man of theirs.

I saw where Eric Holder has gone to bat for the Muslim teacher who demanded on taking a three-week vacation during the school term so that she could visit Mecca. This is the same Department of Justice that refused to indict the Black Panthers for voter intimidation and decided to make an example of Arizona for daring to defend its border against foreign invasion. Is it too much to expect Attorney General Holder will be the next recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize?

I’ve heard that when Obama’s poll numbers recently hit record lows, a great many Kenyans began insisting that he was born in Hawaii.

A friend asked me if I thought that if the GOP had Herman Cain or Allen West on the national ticket next year, it would cut into Obama’s numbers in the black community. I told him the only votes it might sway would be found among the immediate members of their respective families. Unfortunately, in spite of Martin Luther King’s hope that people would start judging others by their character, and not by the color of their skin, for 90% of black voters, the final judgment is based on neither character nor pigmentation, but on party affiliation.

Two things that liberals can never bring themselves to acknowledge because it refutes everything they say about taxes and education is that the top one percent of the population pays 40% of the taxes, the top five percent just under 60%. As for throwing more and more money at education, as Democrats and the teachers’ union demand be done, the cost of education in America over the past few decades has tripled, while the standardized test scores have remained static. Although we spend the third most per-student in the world, in terms of reading, math and science, our students rank somewhere between those on Togo and Nauru.

The one thing I came away with from the recent battle to keep the government from shutting down was that both sides of the aisle agreed there was a category of federal employee known as “non-essential.” When it comes to fighting over the next budget, I suggest we start by getting rid of those people. I believe that a great many of them are presently members of the House and Senate.

Finally, and I admit this is only a rumor, but I’ve heard that Gaddafi has asked Barack Obama to abide by the will of the American people, and to honor their aspirations for freedom and democracy, by stepping down.

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Saturday, April 16, 2011

View From a Burt’s Perch

by Burt Prelutsky

Many years ago, I recall seeing Clement Freud on TV and he made a lasting impression. The grandson of Sigmund, he had spent some time in an English mental institution. At the time I saw him, he had decided to run for Parliament. When the interviewer asked him what qualified him to help decide national policy, he said that when he was released from the asylum, he was given a certificate of sanity. He was quite convinced that he was the only politician in the land who had official verification of that fact.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had some politicians who could make that claim? Instead, we’re up to our ears in such mentally challenged dunces as Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Anthony Weiner, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson Lee and Charles Schumer. The fact is, when I look at folks like Henry Waxman, John Kerry and Harry Reid, I find it hard to believe they were delivered by storks. A far more likely means of transport would have been vultures.
Sir Clement Freud
When you consider the arrest records of professional athletes, you know that poverty is over-hyped as a major cause of crime. Most anti-social behavior, including acts of Islamic terrorism, has nothing to do with financial circumstances. It has everything to do with values, morals and character.

Does anybody really believe that Michael Vick tortured and murdered dogs because he was poor? What creeps me out is that thousands of fans still continue to root for him on a football field. I know that we are supposed to accept that he went to jail and thus paid his debt to society, but it’s not a view I happen to share. Some crimes are so vicious and so inexcusable -- such things as murder, rape, child molestation and cruelty to animals -- that I don’t believe that anything short of capital punishment clears the debt.

However, one person even I can sympathize with is Golyna Kolotnytskaya, and not just for the amount of time it must take her to fill out official documents. She is the voluptuous blonde “nurse” who apparently accompanied Gaddafi everywhere. When the rebellion began, she returned to Russia. Ever since then, while Obama flip-flopped on policy and the U.N. took forever to vote its resolution, Ms. Kolotnytskaya has probably packed and unpacked a dozen times. But, then, nobody ever said that being a nurse was easy.

Speaking of blondes, am I the only one who sometimes gets the funny feeling that Fox News has more of them on hand than Stockholm and Reykjavik put together?

Recently, I suggested that if Gitmo has come to symbolize something awful to people around the world, we should simply change its name to Paradise Island or West Mecca. I would also suggest we consider, for similar reasons, changing Wall Street to Main Street or Orange Blossom Drive.

Unlike Bill O’Reilly, I was not surprised or dismayed that the Supreme Court found in favor of the creeps from the Westboro Baptist Church. If the 1st Amendment counts for anything, it’s the protection of unpopular speech. And the more unpopular it is, the more it requires the protection of our Constitution. What I don’t get is why it is, if the Westboro freaks hate homosexuals so much, they try to disrupt the funerals of American soldiers. I mean, just because homosexuals are now allowed to serve openly in the U.S. Military, I’m sure that most of the men being buried are not gays. Instead, I think the church members should beard the lions in their den by venturing out to San Francisco. There are scores of bars and bathhouses they could picket, and I, for one, would be delighted to sit back and watch the confrontations on TV.

It is truly scary when you take a good look at all the dopes in the House and Senate. If we lived in a demonocracy, such as you find in China, North Korea and Iran, you would understand why we would be ruled by brutes and ignoramuses. But what’s scary about America is that we actually troop out to elect and re-elect people like Obama, Pelosi, Boxer, Waxman, Rangel and Barney Frank.

It occurs to me that Washington, D.C., wouldn’t be such a bad place if it had decent weather and a better class of people. But, then, the same could be said for Hell.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Why The Left Should Be Left Behind

by Burt Prelutsky

Anyone who wonders why I despise those on the left not only for their politics, but their behavior, simply hasn’t been paying attention lately.

To begin with, we had the union bullies attempting to overturn the results of a democratic election by a show of brute force. And for what? So that public sector unions, which should never have been allowed to exist in the first place, could continue strong-arming gutless politicians into providing them, at taxpayer’s expense, with an endless gravy train.

Next, we had Rep. Peter King, chairman of the committee that was investigating the radicalization of American Muslims, being berated by several members of the Black Congressional Caucus for focusing the hearings on one particular community. That would be like complaining that a congressional committee in the early 40s was off base for investigating the Nazi Bund because its members were all Germans.

These boobs even had the gall to question why the committee wasn’t looking into the KKK. The obvious answer is because these days I have more friends on Twitter than the Klan has members, and those friends probably constitute a more realistic danger to public safety and national security.

I can assure you that these idiots wouldn’t have any problem with a congressional probe into the Tea Party. Now that’s a group they’re quite prepared to recognize as a menace to America.

Worst of all was watching Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, a member of Rep. King’s own committee, shouting abuse at her colleagues and refusing, in spite of King’s attempts to restore order, to shut her pie hole. It was easy to see why she had recently been voted the worst boss on Capitol Hill by congressional aides. Apparently she is notorious for screaming at her staff, driving them regularly to tears with her relentless tirades and her dropping of “F” bombs.

Isn’t it odd how concerned these politicians are about harassment in every other workplace but their own? They all know who is exploiting their staff sexually and emotionally, but they maintain their silence like a bunch of Mafia goons. I swear, if we chose our 100 senators, 435 members of congress, president and vice-president, by picking names out of a hat, we’d improve our chances of getting decent people in office.

One good piece of news is that, for all intents and purposes, Obama has finally resolved to break yet another campaign promise by keeping Gitmo open for business. Rumor has it that he will mollify his base of loony leftists by changing its name to Camp Paradise or West Mecca.

Only a simpleton like Obama would have been dumb enough to have argued that the reason to shut the place down was because the jihadists were using it as a recruiting tool. Inasmuch as the world has had to deal with Islamic lunatics ever since Jimmy Carter invited the Ayatollah Khomeini to set up shop in Iran, and that even the 9/11 massacre preceded Gitmo’s becoming a repository for Islamics, it’s difficult to fathom this childish point of view.

If you think about it, you realize that everything is a recruiting tool for these escapees from the eighth century. Everything from 72 virgins and “Dancing With the Stars” to bathtubs, bacon sandwiches and Hillary Clinton’s pants suits, are recruiting tools for the Koran-toting scum buckets.

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Monday, April 11, 2011

If I Were Running Things

by Burt Prelutsky

It’s true that nobody has asked me how I’d go about getting America’s financial house in order, but that’s not unusual. After all, I’m not an expert. No “Dr.” before my name and no “PhD” after it. That’s why nobody ever invites me on TV and asks me to deal with the really important things. Instead, I get stuck with taking out the trash and feeding the dog.

Well, we’ve seen what a great job the experts have been doing. I say it’s high time that I got a crack at the major problems facing us, and let Tim Geithner take out the trash and Janet Napolitano feed Duke.

First off, I’d make people stop dumping Social Security in with that hodge-podge of government giveaways collectively referred to as entitlements, but which we all know are merely crude attempts at buying votes with other people’s money. It so happens that Social Security actually is an entitlement inasmuch as it is one of the few things that Americans are actually entitled to receive from the feds.

Although it remains the most massive Ponzi scheme ever devised by the mind of man, the people who stand to collect the monthly checks upon retirement are the very people who paid in to the plan.

That is what differentiates it from all those various forms of welfare that take money from one group of people and hand it over to another group, allowing politicians to pass off extortion as benevolence. Calling the process by the high-sounding term, “redistribution of wealth,” does nothing to help it pass the smell test. Socialism is socialism, no matter what the left-wing creeps choose to label it.

It’s true that when FDR and the rest of his gang of New Dealers hatched Social Security, most people were not expected to live long enough to collect. But that’s because nobody in the 1930s envisioned that Americans would start outliving their parents and grandparents by 20 or 30 years. As a result, now, when people suggest that far down the road retirees might have to wait another couple of years before collecting their checks, everyone has a hissy fit. It seems we have become a nation of very nasty, very demanding, brats.

So, even though the times and conditions have radically changed, most people are unwilling to change with them, even though by not changing they risk killing the not-so-golden goose. But, perhaps I’m expecting a miracle. Heck, people are so stubborn that even though the average basketball player is a foot taller than he was a few decades ago, they refuse to raise the basket. Worse yet, people are so cockeyed, they still cheer when a seven-footer with a nine-foot wingspan dunks a basketball through a hoop just 10 feet off the ground.

With Social Security, the big lie was always that the money was safe and secure in a locked box. Right, it was the same sort of locked box the stage magician uses when he makes the pretty lady disappear. The only difference is that she always returns to take a bow.

I was actually hoping that with the election of all those Tea Party Republicans last November, we might actually see a new dynamic in Washington. But judging by all the usual claptrap about compromise and bi-partisanship, which invariably leads wimpy Republicans to forget that there is nothing bi-partisan about an election, we’re going to wind up with a repeat of what we’ve had in the recent past. The dopes seem unable to process the fact that if we wanted liberals running the show, we’d vote for them.

I promised a solution and here it is: Every Republican voter should send two letters, one to his congressman and one to the RNC, letting them know that if they don’t shape up long before the next election rolls around, your money will stay in your pocket and so will your vote.

We thought we were electing a gang of conservative commandoes last November, but it seems we wound up with the usual bunch of nattering nabobs and namby-pambies.
As for John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, they haven’t shown themselves fit to lead a party, let alone a nation. The best I can say for them is that I’d trust them to guard a harem.

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Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Few Lefties I Have Known

by Burt Prelutsky

Whenever I hear people dismissing Fox News as a propaganda machine for conservatives, I know one thing for certain, and that is that they have never watched it. At most, they’ve flipped past while switching from the Cartoon Network to MSNBC, or have I once again repeated myself?

Frankly, there are times I find myself wishing that Fox were a bit more conservative than it is. After all, there’s only so much time in a day and I hate wasting any of it listening to the inanities of Lis Wiehl, Alan Colmes, Ellis Henican, Leslie Marshall, Juan Williams, Geraldo Rivera or Columbia Professor Marc Lamont Hill, whose field of expertise is rap and hip-hop music, although you’d never know it when Bill O’Reilly has him pontificating on major issues. When any of those folks are on camera, I feel that Fox’s motto should be changed to “Unfair and Unbalanced.”

Liberals are so demented and have such an unclear vision of the real world that they turn to the likes of Bill Maher, Anthony Weiner, Rachel Maddow, David Letterman, Frank Rich, Maureen Dowd, Al Gore, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Harry Reid, Charles Schumer, Maxine Waters, Lawrence O’Donnell and Nancy Pelosi, for guidance. It’s a sad thing when a blind person’s seeing-eye dog requires a seeing-eye dog.

Over the course of my life, I have occasionally spent time in the company of left-wingers. When I served two terms on the Board of Directors of the Writers Guild about 20 years ago, I got to know several Board colleagues who had been blacklisted in the early 50s. Even after four decades, they never missed an opportunity to bring it up and boast of their martyrdom. You’d have thought they’d spent time at Dachau or a Soviet gulag, instead of having gone off to be feted by fellow Communists in Mexico, New York and Europe, sometimes making even more money in other places than they had in Hollywood.

Understand, these people weren’t Russian spies and they got precious little Communist propaganda into their scripts, but they did proudly donate money to Stalin’s coffers and contributed funds and countless man-hours to the American Communist Party.

I mean, you would have thought that they would have been satisfied with FDR’s having turned Norman Thomas’s Socialist platform into his New Deal. But even that wasn’t enough to satisfy these blockheads. Instead, they had to pledge their allegiance to the only regime that actually rivaled and often exceeded the brutality of Hitler’s Nazi Germany.

Other well-known leftists I have encountered and come to dislike were Maya Angelou, Jimmy Breslin and Ed Asner. Ms. Angelou, besides being a lousy poet, is one of those women who seem to confuse arrogance and a supercilious manner of speech with great dignity.

Back in the 1970s, my editor, who, at one time had been Breslin’s editor, arranged for us to meet for lunch one day in New York. This was a man who spent his career passing himself off as a defender of the masses, a Damon Runyonesque character, a mutt who saw himself as one of the underdogs. I don’t know what I expected, but the conversation over lunch was minimal. He spent most of the hour doodling figures on a napkin -- and only when he took a bathroom break was I able to discover he was writing down the amounts he received from his various sources of income. It was an impressive total; particularly for a devout member of the proletariat. It took a number of years before I came across someone who was obnoxious in the same self-serving way. It was Michael Moore.

This brings us to Ed Asner, whom I got to know when I wrote a couple of episodes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and a TV movie in which he co-starred with Jean Simmons. Even when I was a Democrat, I never agreed with his radical politics, but I always found him bearable in an amiably gruff Lou Grant sort of way.

But, recently, I heard from a friend of mine, an actress who had toured in a stage play with Asner. It seems they had gotten along famously until one day she happened to mention that she was a Republican. Even though they’d never even discussed political issues, the mere fact that she shared that shocking truth about herself made her repugnant in his eyes. From that day on, except when they were on stage, he never said another word to her.

If you insist that is atypical of open-minded, 1st Amendment-loving, liberals, you are either a liberal yourself or you have never actually met one.

Finally, like most people -- especially the sensible folks of Dayton, Ohio -- I was outraged that Attorney General Eric Holder forced the Dayton Police Department to ignore the actual results of a test given to young applicants. It seems that most, if not all, of the blacks and Hispanics had failed the test.

Instead of urging those who failed to smarten up so that they could pass a standardized test and so that Daytonians wouldn’t have to worry about just how stupid their cops are, Holder predictably blamed the exam. He demanded that passing grades be given to those who did worse than average 12-year-olds would be expected to do.

But it was no surprise, for Holder, time and again, has displayed his racist tendencies. By this time, we have to assume, based on his continuing to hold down the job, that his beliefs perfectly reflect our “post-racial” president’s.

I can’t help wondering if either Holder or Obama would have passed the Dayton test.

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

A Political Reality Show

by Burt Prelutsky

Iam constantly writing myself notes, jotting down the things I hear oozing out of the mouths of politicians. But occasionally when it comes time to use the quotes in an article, I find myself wondering if our elected officials actually spoke those words or if I had been hallucinating.

I mean, when some of the Tea Party Republicans were trying to introduce the notion of fiscal responsibility to Capital Hill by defunding the NEA, did Harry Reid actually take the floor to defend a cowboy poetry festival that annually draws dozens of tourists to Nevada? For one thing, if the Democrats are going to fight over such things, don’t they realize that they sound exactly like those dippy women who divorce guys like Donald Trump and, in the battle over alimony, insist that they really need $20,000-a-month for their dog trainer and another 25 grand for daily pedicures?

For another thing, I hope I never again have to hear the words “cowboy” and “poetry” uttered in the same sentence.

Speaking of dumb things, did I actually hear Martin Sheen compare Charlie Sheen’s situation to that of a cancer victim? If so, Charlie’s not the only one in the family who needs his head examined.

On the other hand, as I listened to Charlie’s endless rants about how special he is, being, as he is, a warlock, I found myself thinking that he was only saying out loud the exact same things that all those left-wing Hollywood crackpots believe about themselves. When you see and hear folks like Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Danny Glover, Sean Penn and George Clooney, scolding the rest of us, describing us as rubes, fascists and racists, don’t you suspect they’re wondering, “Why am I even wasting my time with these puny little creatures who all wish they could be me, me with my millions of dollars, my battalion of servants and sycophants, and my veins filled with tiger blood”?

Like most sane people, I was delighted to see the two oafs named Schiller dumped by National Public Radio. I would have been even happier if I didn’t immediately have to see Juan Williams on Fox, once again chastising the left-wing elitists at NPR. Why is it that nobody dares challenge Mr. Williams by pointing out that it was the exact same place, pouring out the same sort of left-wing drivel, when he was working there quite contentedly for over 10 years? And after all that time, he didn’t suddenly come to his senses and quit; he was fired. So, for all of his self-righteous bluster, the only thing that’s changed are the folks who sign his checks.

For sheer chutzpah, it’s hard to beat Sen. John Ensign, who claimed his decision not to seek re-election in 2012 has nothing to do with his adulterous affair with a staff worker, but, rather, his concern with how a campaign would affect his family. How odd that he never wondered how his affair would affect them.

By the way, with the frequency that politicians are caught having affairs with members of their staff, are we to assume that these days typing and filing skills are strictly optional, while taking dictation is essential?

Proving that even a guy who looks like Central Casting’s idea of a president can be as dumb as a rock, allow me to present for your inspection Mitt Romney. As we look forward to a campaign in 2012, in which ObamaCare figures to be a major issue, this schnook defends RomneyCare! His defense is that it was created to deal with Massachusetts’ needs. Who’s managing his campaign -- Moe, Curly or David Axelrod?

If he were as smart as he is rich and good-looking, Romney would have said, “I regret to admit it, but my health care plan proved to be an unmitigated disaster. But I, unlike Barack Obama, learned from my mistake.”

I believe that most Americans will accept that governors, senators and even presidents, make mistakes. In fact, they’ve come to expect it. But what they resent are politicians who are too stubborn or too simpleminded to acknowledge theirs and who, instead, double down.

But doing his best to take the heat off Romney’s gaffe, we had Newt Gingrich blaming his tawdry affairs on his patriotism. I must say that, as excuses for adultery go, this one had the virtue of originality. But only in the sense that a kid explaining to his teacher that the reason he wasn’t turning in his report was because a Martian had eaten it.

I never thought I’d say it, but I just might toss my hat in the ring and run in 2012. If things continue the way they have been, I just might be the last Republican standing. What’s more, I am over the age of 35, I was born in Chicago and I’d be happy to show anyone who’s interested my long form birth certificate.

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Monday, April 4, 2011

A Columnist’s Manifesto

by Burt Prelutsky

One of the many things that confounds me about liberals is how united they are in their opinions and in recognizing the perfection of their various heroes. I find such unity of thought mind-boggling, and more than a little scary.

On occasion, even though I’m a proud conservative -- and at times because I am a proud conservative -- I have taken such people as George W. Bush, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter, John McCain, Bill O’Reilly, Dick Morris, Sean Hannity and even my friend Michael Medved, to task for one thing or another. But when have you ever heard the likes of Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Frank Rich, Rachel Maddow, Leslie Marshall, Ellis Henican, Paul Krugman or Maureen Dowd, utter or write a single critical word about the Obamas, the Clintons, John Kerry, Al Gore, Jerry Brown, Harry Reid, Charles Schumer, Maxine Waters, Pat Leahy, Rahm Emanuel, Anthony Weiner or even that easiest and most obvious of targets, the Wicked Witch of the West, herself, Nancy Pelosi?

Also, have you noticed that whenever conservatives criticize loony lefties such as Michael Moore, Jon Stewart, David Letterman, Bill Maher or Joy Behar, for their political bias, they claim to be nothing more than comedians. Taking pot shots at politicians, they insist, is their stock in trade. But if that were the case, wouldn’t they occasionally ridicule Democrats? And wouldn’t they at least occasionally be funnier on purpose than Barney Frank, Barbara Boxer and Henry Waxman, are without even trying and without the assistance of a writing staff?

I used to compare liberals to lemmings, but in one area at least, it’s conservatives who seem to share the little rodents’ proclivity for playing follow the leader off the edge of a cliff. I refer to the fortunes they squander sending their offspring off to be indoctrinated on America’s college campuses. It’s a shame that Hillsdale can’t accommodate a million or so freshmen every semester. Still, any conservative who sends his kids off to Harvard, Berkeley or Columbia, should be charged with child abuse.

In the old days, the Soviet Union, China, Cambodia, North Korea and North Vietnam, all conspired to make a science of brainwashing its citizens. But at least those poor victims weren’t voluntarily spending their life savings for the privilege of having their brains or those of their children washed and spun dry by the commissars.

As Harry Stein reported in his brilliant book, I Can't Believe I'm Sitting Next to a Republican, in America’s leading colleges and universities, at least 80% of the liberal arts faculty members are left-wingers. The ratio of leftist professors at UCLA is 16-1; at Brown, it’s 18-1; and at Cornell, it’s 26-1. They don’t call it liberal arts for nothing.

In 2004, Stein’s research found that for every dollar donated to Bush’s campaign, Harvard professors gave $31 to Kerry. At MIT, the ratio was $43-1, while at Princeton, the margin was an incredible $300-1. And I can guarantee you that in 2008, when the Messiah was atop the ticket, the gap was even greater.

It makes me wonder how conservative professors can bear getting up in the morning when they know they will be marginalized, even ostracized, by the overwhelming majority of their narrow-minded colleagues.

In my own life, my conservatism has led to the severing of a fair number of long-standing relationships. Early on, I felt some remorse over allowing politics to end what I had regarded as friendships. But I quickly got over it. After all, politics isn’t simply a matter of voting for a (D) or an (R) every four years. It involves values, principles, ethics, patriotism and even logic.

A friendship that isn’t based on mutual respect doesn’t even qualify as friendship. It would be like calling a one-night stand a romance. At most, it’s the shallowest of relationships, mainly consisting of 10 or 20 or 40 years of chatting about TV, football and the weather.

After all, when you vehemently disagree about education, same-sex marriages, popular culture, race relations, religion, abortion, the Arab-Israeli conflict, affirmative action, Islam, the expansion of the federal government, taxes, the 2nd Amendment, open borders, socialism and American foreign policy, is there any point in my pretending that I really care what you have to say about Lindsay Lohan or who you think is going to wind up as this season’s American Idol?

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Saturday, April 2, 2011

A Bunch of Things That Annoy Me

by Burt Prelutsky

Awhile back, I confessed that I had grown tired of people -- including some conservatives -- who demeaned those of us who wished that Barack Obama would be compelled to cough up his birth certificate and his college application. It just strikes me as very suspicious that the fellow hanging out in the Oval Office is so determined to keep those items under wraps.

It’s not that I am dying to see Joe Biden take his place; I would much prefer to see Obama suffer a shellacking in 2012, but I see no reason that he should be allowed to get away with stuff that no other president would even consider attempting.
Whittaker Chambers

If a Republican were the president and he fought to keep his personal documents locked up, you can bet that for liberals, “birthers” would be a term of respect.

Something else that rankles me -- and not just because I’m short -- is that the taller of the two candidates vying for the presidency nearly always wins the election. It’s not just height, either, but build and looks in general that seem to carry far too much weight for Americans. For example, Nixon’s 5 o’clock shadow and over-active sweat glands probably had more to do with his loss to JFK in 1960 than even the ballot box shenanigans that took place in Texas and Illinois.

Even though a lot of Joe McCarthy’s claims about Communist infiltration in the State Department were absolutely true, the fact remains that he looked and sounded like someone that Central Casting would have sent over to Warner Brothers if they were looking to cast the leader of a lynch mob. American Communists were extremely lucky in having Nixon and McCarthy appear to be the personification -- the face, as it were -- of the anti-Communist movement during the early 50s.
Tailgunner Joe

At about the same time, a lot of people were attacking Whittaker Chambers for blowing the whistle on Alger Hiss, a highly influential member of our State Department, who just happened to be a dedicated Communist. The problem, again, was one of image. Hiss looked like a middle-aged male model. Gregory Peck would have played him in a movie. Chambers, on the other hand, looked like an unmade bed, and would have been portrayed by William Bendix or Walter Slezak.

Something else that annoys the heck out of me is this business with Somali pirates. Since the craziness began a while back, those punks have extorted money for six bulk-type carriers, eight dhows, four oil tankers, one liquid petroleum gas carrier, a dozen cargo vessels, one tug boat and a couple of yachts -- the second of which led to the murder of four Americans.

Two centuries ago, when the Barbary pirates were pulling this same kind of crap, Thomas Jefferson sent the Marines over to deal with them. As usual, the Marines got the job done, and later immortalized the operation in the Marine Hymn, the part where it mentions “the shores of Tripoli.”

I realize it’s too much to hope that Obama would order our military to wipe out the creeps. After all, when has he ever displayed moral outrage, except perhaps when he’s joined Pelosi and Reid in haranguing members of the Tea Party?
Alger Hiss

But the reason that he won’t deal with the pirates as they should be dealt with, even after the slaughter of those four seafaring Americans, isn’t because he’s nothing more than a puffed-up community organizer posing as the commander-in-chief. Or should I say that it’s not just because he’s nothing more than a puffed-up community organizer posing as the commander-in-chief? Rather, it’s because, no matter the provocation or whether he was born in Mombassa or Honolulu, there’s no way that this gutless poltroon, who refused to even indict the New Black Panther Party thugs, is going to be responsible for spilling the blood of black men, no matter how vile they might be.

Finally, it annoys me when people predict the world will end on a specific day. They should at least be willing to put their money where their mouth is. After all, so long as they’re right, they don’t have to worry about someone showing up to collect.

Recently, a cult leader announced that Doomsday will arrive on December 12, 2012. Frankly, I believe that November 6th is the more ominous date. Because it’s Election Day, that’s when we’ll find out if we’re going to be stuck with another four years of Obama.

For my part, I am willing to make a sizable wager that the world will not end either with a bang or a whimper on the 12th of December. On the other hand, anything is possible, so I will definitely hold off on my Christmas shopping until the 13th has rolled around.

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