Saturday, July 30, 2011

Oslo Discords

by BurtPrelutsky

For more years than I care to think about, a big lie about the riffraff in Congress is that if they weren’t so willing to sacrifice themselves for America, they could all be earning far more money in the private sector.

Well, for openers, they couldn’t, and prior to holding high office, they weren’t. I mean, if they weren’t influential members of the House, do you really believe that large corporations or major law firms would be looking to hire the likes of Barney Frank, Henry Waxman, Sheila Jackson Lee or John Conyers? Probably not even for the cleaning crew.

There is nowhere in the real world that anyone would pay these lunkheads $174,000 a year. The sole reason these people are getting more than minimum wage is that they didn’t have to worry about being hired, but merely getting elected.

In addition, as John Ransom, writing in Townhall magazines, reports, a study of stock market investments from 1985 to 2001 showed that members of Congress enjoyed a huge advantage over the rest of us because they knew which companies were in line to get government contracts and what new business regulations were about to be passed into law. But unlike, say, Martha Stewart, none of these creeps went to jail for getting rich the old-fashioned way; namely, through insider trading.

Then, in addition to the fiefdoms that we taxpayers subsidize, these self-righteous rodents vote themselves pay raises and make certain that ObamaCare doesn’t apply to them or their families. Even when one of them is caught committing a felony, he not only doesn’t go to the slammer, he stays in Congress, racking up seniority. When scofflaws like Charley Rangel and Barney Frank escape jail time by being subjected to house arrest, it unfortunately refers to the House of Representatives.

Anders Breivik (above right) is the monster who murdered 76 Norwegians. What astonished me is how quickly those on the Left, led by the NY Times, decided to identify the lunatic as a Christian. But that is what the Left also did with Timothy McVeigh, although there was nothing to suggest that either he or Breivik derived their inspiration from Jesus Christ or Christianity. On the other hand, compare that to the media’s reluctance to identify Major Nidal Malik Hasan as a Muslim even though he kept shouting “Alahu Akbar!” as he slaughtered 13 innocent people at Fort Hood, wounding 29 others, all in the name of Allah.

Breivik insists that the Oslo massacre was intended to send a message that Norway’s policy of throwing its doors open to Muslims was destroying the nation. Inasmuch as his victims weren’t Muslims, it would appear that his message was badly garbled in translation from Norwegian to loony babble.

Still, one can’t help thinking that if his stated intention had been to warn people about the danger of, let us say, global warming, Norway’s Nobel Peace Prize committee, notorious for having crowned the despicable likes of Le Duc Tho, Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, Kofi Annan, Yasser Arafat and Barack Obama, would have seriously considered him the man to beat for the 2011 Prize.

Finally, after months of watching Jay Carney run White House press conferences, it occurs to me that he has one of the tackiest jobs in America. He’s like a criminal defense attorney, except that not only does he have to lie on a daily basis for the same guilty defendant, but unlike, say, Robert Shapiro, Leslie Abramson or Jose Baez, he’s expected to fool an entire nation and not just 12 empty-headed jurors.

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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Hunting for Liberals

by BurtPrelutsky

Occasionally, I find myself wondering why liberals are so terrified of the Second Amendment. After all, even though most criminals are Democrats, they don’t exclusively target Republicans. Liberals are just as likely to be mugged and to have their homes invaded, so why is it that this great divide exists between the Right and the Left on the issue of gun ownership? I have come to suspect it’s because liberals realize that in a saner society, we would be encouraged to hunt them for their pelts.

The reason I believe we’re in Libya is because Obama and his minions decided that the enemies of our enemy -- in this case, Gaddafi – must be our friends. It was a similar mistake that FDR made during WWII, when he took the Soviet Union to his bosom, ignoring the fact that the biggest difference between Stalin and Hitler was the size of their mustaches.

When Obama attacked “millionaires and billionaires” in the speech in which he seemed to suggest that if we would only get rid of those tax deductions on corporate jets, all of our financial woes would be over, I couldn’t help wondering if any of his millionaire and billionaire chums took his remarks to heart. I mean, Warren Buffet, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Jeffrey Immelt, George Soros, Barbara Boxer, Steven Spielberg, Dianne Feinstein, Michael Bloomberg, Barbra Streisand, George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Paul McCartney and Oprah Winfrey, are the richest people I can think of off the top of my head, and they are all rabid liberals. Just who the heck was Obama talking about?

In addition to all that, no corporate executive spends nearly as much time jetting around as Obama and his missus, and those two freeloaders don’t even pay for their own soft drinks and honey-roasted peanuts.

Sometimes I wonder how Joe Biden feels about all the work his boss dumps in his lap. While Obama gets to jet around to gala fund-raisers and golf to his heart’s content, there’s good old Joe busy overseeing the 2011 summer of recovering from the 2010 summer of recovery.

A friend of mine who used to reside in San Francisco retired to Arizona, where he went hoping that the dry, clean air and dry, clean people, would help restore his sanity. Living in L.A., as I do, I keep hoping that it’s not already too late to restore my own. Every so often, he and I compare notes regarding the Bay Area dodos and the loons who inhabit my neck of the woods. The major difference, we agree, is that the odd birds in the north tend to nest and mate with those of their own gender, which suggests they could eventually disappear. That, by itself, makes them preferable to their southern cousins.

Finally, I’d like to address those conservatives who write to me insisting that it would be better if Obama gets re-elected than if someone they regard as a RINO garners the GOP nomination. These people reside in a fantasy land where Ronald Reagan is standing in the wings each time we get stuck with a Jimmy Carter clone. They would do well to understand that elections have consequences, which are not always predictable, but are often extremely dire.

But voting for the worst candidate -- or staying home while others vote for the worst -- while hoping for the best, is not only dumb, but when the risk is four more years of Obama, treasonous.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Monday, July 25, 2011

Will November 6, 2012 Ever Arrive?

by BurtPrelutsky

In case you haven't caught on yet, I can’t wait for the next election to roll around. It’s less than 500 days off, but with Barack Obama in the White House and Michelle and her relatives jetting around the world on our dime – or, rather, our millions of dimes – it feels more like 500 years.

Because we didn’t celebrate Christmas in my Jewish home, I wasn’t one of those kids who counted off the days until December 25. The closest I ever came to that sort of excruciating anticipation was when I was in grammar school and summer vacation was on the horizon. I would start scratching off weeks, days, hours and finally minutes, in my notebook.

Even though I have lived through the likes of LBJ, Nixon, Carter, Clinton and the Bushes, I have never wanted to see a White House eviction as much as I do now.

I keep hearing George W. Bush in my head, saying, “When Obama came along with all that Hope and Change malarkey, I said to myself, ‘That fella’s all smoke and no barbecue,’ as we say down in Crawford. But when he kept Gitmo and the border open, expanded the war in Afghanistan, went into Libya, okayed military tribunals, renewed the Patriot Act, expanded my prescription drug plan into ObamaCare and inflated the national debt beyond my wildest dreams, I said to Laura, ‘He’s my kind of guy.’”

Speaking for myself, though, I can’t see Obama’s appeal. To me, he seems arrogant, narcissistic, dour, lazy, thin-skinned and humorless. I mean, just how far down the food chain would somebody have to be to look up to Barack Obama? I mean, Jack Kennedy said he sought the Oval Office because he wanted to be where the action is. At the time, most people were unaware that he and, later, Bill Clinton weren’t always referring to political action. But Obama, who has made it a signature of his administration to hand off important matters to Pelosi, Reid and even Joe Biden, seems to regard gala events, vacations and fund-raisers, as more than enough action to keep this community organizer occupied.

I once jokingly suggested that the notion of hard work being virtuous was a con game perpetrated on the rest of us by those who had inherited or married their money. But, clearly, it’s a notion that Obama has taken to heart. Whether it’s because, as a beneficiary of affirmative action, he not only got into prestigious schools and, at Harvard, was elected editor of the Law Review, where he made history by never writing a single article, he is not a sterling example of hard work paying dividends. This is the nation’s leader, after all, who left it up to Pelosi and Reid to concoct the trillion dollar stimulus and assigned the administration’s mascot, Joe Biden, the man who has replaced Alfred E. Neuman as the iconic face of gross stupidity, to keep America from financial ruin.

The toughest decisions Obama makes are which club to use on the 16th par-five and, of course, what topping he wants on his pizza.

Finally, I must confess that I was amused during the aftermath of the Navy Seals taking out Osama bin Laden when politicians and pundits kept stumbling over the similarity between his name and the president’s. It occurred to me that there was a very easy way to avoid the embarrassment, and that was to keep in mind that one of them was a threat to our nation’s security, a dedicated enemy of Israel and, in his heart, regarded America as the Great Capitalistic Satan, and the other guy was at the bottom of the ocean.

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Cinderella and Other Liberal Fairy Tales

by BurtPrelutsky

A great many left-wingers, especially those employed in the media, are upset that Governor Rick Perry is a devout Christian. Even as a Jew, I find it bizarre that anyone but an orthodox Muslim would object to a person attempting to use Jesus Christ as a role model.

What makes their objections so risible are that these very same people worship at the feet of an ex-community organizer whose own disciples include avowed Communists, unrepentant terrorists, race-mongering ministers and run-of-the-mill Chicago ward heelers.

Speaking of the media, I wasn’t terribly surprised that England’s oldest tabloid, the News of the World, engaged in tapping phones and bribing Scotland Yard officers in pursuit of scoops. America’s own tabloids do the same sort of thing. Every time one of our rags reports that some celebrity has had plastic surgery or runs the mug shot of a Hollywood star who has been booked for drunk driving or drug abuse, you can bet your bottom dollar that some nurse, waiter or cop, is a little bit richer.

What I did find somewhat shocking is that Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp., the parent company of the New York Post, the Wall Street Journal and Fox News, as well as the now defunct News of the World, has, through its PAC, News America Holdings, donated more money to Democratic politicians than to Republicans. The single largest recipient of its largesse has been Barack Obama. For my part, I’d call that carrying “fair and balanced” to an absurd extreme. But perhaps it helps explain why the likes of Juan Williams, Leslie Marshall, Alan Colmes and Geraldo Rivera, get so much face time on Fox.

But Obama has no end of friends and enablers. In spite of farcical reports that 98% of his re-election contributions have been $250 or less, the truth is that at last count 634 donations have been upwards of $30,000. I don’t think those people were breaking open their piggy banks.

Throughout the battle over raising the debt ceiling, various polls indicated that the public regarded Obama, not congressional Democrats or Republicans, as the responsible party when, in fact he was the party responsible for creating the crisis by raising the debt more in 30 months than Bush had raised it in eight years.

It would be like a person who, upon being rescued from drowning, lavished praise on the guy handing him a towel, forgetting it was the very same jerk who threw him in the lake.

In America, we like to pretend that there is something very special about the man, any man, sitting in the White House. What we should keep in mind is that he’s only someone who managed, by hook or by crook, to win a number of primaries and then a general election. Nothing in the way of courage or self-sacrifice is required. He merely has to garner more votes than the other guy. What’s more, unlike the grand prize winner on “American Idol,” he doesn’t even have to carry a tune.

While I am willing to acknowledge that certain individuals -- Gershwin, Bach, Shakespeare, Puccini, Newton, Rembrandt, Salk, Da Vinci, Edison and Einstein, come to mind -- make unique contributions, the likes of Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, are no more distinguished than Justin Timberlake, Charley Sheen or Lindsay Lohan. They’re all just celebrities. That is why I cringe when people say we must respect the Office of the President, no matter how we feel about the person occupying the Oval Office. Respect must be earned or it’s meaningless.

The expression “garbage in, garbage out” refers to the data supplied to computers. It meant that if the programmer provided it with misinformation, there was no way the machinery could correct it. That happens to be the way I view Congress and the White House: Garbage in, garbage out. Too bad we have to wait until November, 2012, for the trash collector.

I find it odd that George W. Bush was the only president whose critics were always trying to psychoanalyze him. How many times did we hear liberals theorizing about his dysfunctional relationship with his father? But, strangely enough, they never put Bill Clinton on the proverbial couch, even though his father was a drunken bully, or Obama, who was abandoned by his father, his step-father and eventually his dingbat mother, all by the time he was 12-years-old.

And how is it that we are all supposed to marvel at FDR’s overcoming paralysis to become president, but not to delve into whether his crusade to expand the nanny state wasn’t his way of turning a nation founded on self-reliant individuals into a nation of invalids, looking to Daddy Roosevelt to take care of them?

Unfortunately, every liberal isn’t a James Bond-like villain. It would make it a lot easier to recognize them for what they are if they sat around petting their pet Persians or plotting ways to feed 007 to their pet sharks.

Instead, liberals are full of good intentions. But, as we all know, good intentions don’t pave the road to Heaven.

In my experience, most liberals are childish. And just as children believe that a pumpkin can be magically transformed into a golden carriage, mice into mighty steeds, and rats into grooms and coachmen, so they believe that the world can and should be transformed into an Eden where stupid, selfish, lazy louts are entitled to everything that decent, intelligent, hard-working, people have.

Finally, in their spooky version of “Cinderella,” it’s Barney Frank’s foot that fits neatly into the glass slipper.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!

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Thursday, July 21, 2011

A New Political Primer

A recent study disclosed that 47% of Detroit’s residents are functionally illiterate, which suggests that 53 % are just acting uppity.

The fact that so many Americans have only a passing acquaintanceship with the English language, in spite of the fact that $13,000 is the amount spent annually to educate each Detroit student, is an indictment of public education in America. That sum happens to be a few thousand dollars over the national average, so the pathetic reality can’t be attributed to a lack of money. That such widespread illiteracy exists in a major American city is a testament to the power and gall of the teachers union and to their shameless cohorts in the Democratic Party.

In a related matter, New York’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg suggested that it would be a swell idea if the federal government could wave a magic wand and send incoming immigrants to Detroit for five or 10 years.

A number of Bloomberg’s fellow liberals took him to task for suggesting that America’s ongoing problem should be dealt with by sending these folks off to our urban equivalent of the Soviet’s Siberia. But, being the sort of benevolent fellow I am, I prefer to think that Mayor Bloomberg wasn’t looking to punish the immigrants; instead, he was looking to raise the curve of Detroit’s classrooms and improve the city’s illiteracy rate by filling it up with the foreign-born.

Some people think I’m too harsh on Obama and his enablers in Washington, but the truth is that I despise politicians in general. These louts have the audacity to refer to themselves as public servants, but, unlike actual maids and butlers, they are always the first in line at the buffet table, whether what’s being served up are salaries, pensions or health care.

Moreover, members of Congress, along with the president, refuse to take their oaths to protect America seriously. They encourage illegal aliens to sneak into the country by offering them health care, employment and free tuition at our colleges, and they cheer on public sector unions as they bleed us dry. Unfortunately, it’s the very people who are complicit in their dereliction of duty who have the authority to bring charges of treason. To me, the entire system is akin to having foxes in charge of prosecuting crimes against poultry.

You may have noticed that Obama has taken to delivering a speech just about every day from some solar panel or windmill factory that is supposed to prove that his fiscal policy is zipping along on all eight cylinders. Of course, the only reason the place even exists is because it’s being subsidized with our tax dollars. But that’s just Obama being Obama. But I did notice, just before dropping off into my usual coma when he starts to speak, that he was announcing his intention of increasing the number of engineers by 10,000-a-year. While it didn’t have quite the zing quotient as Jack Kennedy’s promise of putting a man on the moon, it did manage to momentarily capture my attention before I zoned out.

When I woke up, his promise had me scratching my head. I finally decided that, inasmuch as he didn’t specify what sort of engineers he had in mind, he probably figured he’d need 500 of them to run those trains he’s always yakking about and that nobody wants.

I assume the other 9,500 engineers would be paid to be passengers.


©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!Click on the little envelope below to email this article.
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Monday, July 18, 2011

Gays & Grays

by BurtPrelutsky

There are two groups of Americans I’m having a tough time understanding. One of them consists of the sexually eccentric, the other is made up of the elderly.

Because we have been inundated with pro-gay propaganda for so many years that if you say the least little thing that goes against the grain, that questions the claim that gays make the best friends, are the nicest people and are the very best possible parents any child could have, you are labeled a homophobe.

Well, to begin with, no sooner did the Psychiatric Society of America decide that homosexuality wasn’t a mental illness than gays decided that anyone who had a bone to pick with their adolescent life style or political agenda must be suffering from a psychiatric disorder. Still, how they came to determine that raising an objection to same-sex marriage constituted a phobia is beyond me. For instance, if you don’t buy into ObamaCare, are you suffering from libophobia? If you have problems with our presence in Libya, with Cap and Trade or a trillion dollar stimulus, does that constitute an irrational fear of liberal policies? As a conservative, I’d say there’s nothing irrational about it. Many groups, including Blacks, Jews, Muslims and illegal aliens, have their detractors, but only homosexuals are encouraged to dismiss those who question their agenda as mental defectives.

I don’t happen to think that homosexuals are bad people, although I do wish they hadn’t managed to confiscate a perfectly fine word, gay, which strikes me as an inappropriate moniker for a group that includes so many drama queens. I’ve never suggested they’re evil. Feeling as I do about having an appointment with a proctologist -- trepidation bordering on stupefaction -- I confess that I find their sex lives extremely bizarre. But, I hasten to add, I know that some people, including my wife, regard my love of baseball as a sure sign of derangement.

What I do find annoying about a great many homosexuals is their insistence on identifying themselves solely on the basis of their sexual activities. To be fair, I have an equal intolerance with heterosexual men whose identity seems to be totally wrapped up in their sexual activities and whose conversation consists of bragging about their conquests. It just strikes me as adolescent.

As you may have noticed, I have made several references to sexual activity. Which is something that all the propagandists gloss over. Although gays populate movies and TV shows to such a degree that you would think that they represent 25% of the population, rather than their actual 2.5%, they are nearly always depicted as asexual human beings. They are cute, they are cuddly, they’re amusing neighbors and loyal chums, but they’re not sexual human beings. Their mascot is Nathan Lane. What Hollywood and the media would have us believe is that they are nothing more or less than teddy bears who have somehow mastered speech.

As for gay pride parades, I can hardly imagine anything goofier. What is it exactly that they’re so proud of? That their sexual activity will never lead to the birth of a baby, but only, tragically on occasion, to a dreadful disease?

That brings us to the second group, the one to which I belong. That’s old folks. I am neither proud nor ashamed to be elderly, which I happen to believe is the proper attitude for people in both groups.

Americans, by and large, deal with all sorts of disasters with an aplomb that’s admirable. Perhaps, in the face of natural catastrophes, we’re not quite as well-behaved as the Japanese, but we generally acquit ourselves well when enduring hurricanes, floods and tornadoes. But tell older Americans that reality demands that changes in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security and government pensions, are inevitable, and they either go berserk or turn into whiny babies.

But, of course, they aren’t entirely at fault. After all, politicians on the Left keep telling us that there’s plenty of money to go around. By which they mean that so long as the printing presses keep working and the paper doesn’t run out, we’re in great shape.

But, wouldn’t you think that once in a while, we would all -- young and old alike -- recall that these same people, people such as Harry Reid, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and Nancy Pelosi, assured us in 2008 that rumors of an impending financial meltdown were all a figment of some loony conservative’s overwrought imagination?

Come to think of it, I only wish that I could explain away the likes of Reid, Frank, Dodd and Pelosi, that easily.

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Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Answer Man

by BurtPrelutsky

Although I try to maintain a self-imposed schedule of writing three articles a week, sometimes even that’s not often enough to keep up with newsworthy events.

For instance, Anthony Weiner is long gone from Congress, but now I’m worrying about where he’ll turn up next. I mean, one day Eliot Spitzer was the disgraced governor of New York, but did he go into hiding? He did not. The next day, he was co-hosting a TV show. One day, Van Jones, a self-identified Communist, was a disgraced White House czar, and the next day he had an appointment as a “distinguished visiting fellow” at Princeton. Charley Rangel was a disgraced congressman one day, and, well, a disgraced congressman the next.

In the case of Weiner, I suppose he could cash in on his notoriety by becoming a male stripper. But it might make even more sense if he joins the missus working for Hillary Clinton. The Secretary of State, after all, has a great deal of experience as an enabler of the sexually deviant, and I’m sure could easily make room on her staff for the New York Flasher.

The news has been full of Greece’s financial meltdown. As usual, the Greeks are going hat in hand to the more solvent members of the European Union to bail them out. I’m not saying that the Germans, for instance, shouldn’t lend a helping hand, but I suggest they demand half a dozen of the prettier islands as collateral. Greeks, as a rule, are very nice people, but why should anyone trust a socialist nation to get its financial house in order?

And, believe me, I’m not letting America off the hook. If we’re going to keep borrowing money from China, I say we should put up places like San Francisco, Berkeley and Oakland, as collateral, and then encourage the Chinese to foreclose.

In the same way, I think the world is plain loco to keep throwing money at Africa. I can see the attraction for people who enjoy going on safaris or seeing how human beings lived a few thousand years ago -- sort of the continental equivalent of Williamsburg, Virginia, where tourists get to view the daily life of our forefathers -- but, basically, where Africa is concerned, western nations just keep throwing dollars and euros they can’t really afford into a very large sinkhole. But, perhaps, I have come up with a solution. I suggest that rich people adopt places like Ghana, Chad and the Ivory Coast. People adopt unwanted babies, not to mention stretches of California freeways, all the time, so I see no reason why the liberal likes of Bill Gates, George Soros and Warren Buffet, don’t take over the care and feeding of countries unable to handle the job on their own.

I saw where John Kerry and John McCain agreed that America should be taking sides in Libya’s civil war. To me, that makes about as much sense as taking sides when Al Capone and Bugs Moran were fighting over turf in Chicago. It really is a shame that McCain wasn’t a Democrat for all these years. Perhaps then he’d have devoted more time to reaching across the aisle and voting with the Republicans.

I also saw that Barney Frank and Ron Paul have set aside their differences in order to promote the legalization of marijuana. Not only am I not the least bit surprised, but it explains so much about their respective political beliefs.

Speaking, as we were, about Anthony Weiner, some people were terribly upset when they learned that in spite of the sordid circumstances leading to his resignation, he stands to collect over a million dollars from his congressional pension. At first, I, too, was outraged. But then it gave me an idea how we might finally put an end to congressmen and senators growing old on the job.

Years ago, I recall that a concert of composer John Cage’s pain-in-the-ear music was held in New York City. What made it noteworthy was that tickets sold for five dollars, but for every hour a person could endure the pain, he would get a dollar back. If the poor saps remained for the entire concert, it would cost them nothing but their sanity.

So, how about if members of Congress receive 100% of their pension if they quit after one term, but only 50% if they stick it out for a second, and nothing after that?

What, I ask you, could possibly improve Congress more than installing a revolving door?

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Liberals: America’s Unhatched Boobies

by BurtPrelutsky

I have often admitted that I could never handle being president. Aside from the dress code that requires suit and tie even if you’re only taking out the trash, I simply lack the patience. I’m afraid I’d spend all my time muttering things like “But I don’t want to meet with Nancy Pelosi. There’s something spooky about an old woman who not only wears her hair like a four-year-old, but sounds like a four-year-old. She’s like something out of a Stephen King novel” or “I don’t give a hoot what the Supreme Court says. For God’s sake, those clowns wear their bathrobes to work. Who do they think they are? Hugh Hefner?”

But a job I’d be even less able to carry off is Press Secretary. I can’t even imagine what it’s like being Jay Carney and having to go out every day and tell lies or provide alibis for the boss. If I had to do that much spinning, I’d fall down before I reached the microphone.

Frankly, I think Mr. Carney is fortunate that, unlike Pinocchio, his nose doesn’t sprout a few inches with every fib he fobs off on us. Otherwise, by this time, eagles and condors could perch on his shnoz.

I saw a poll recently that insisted that only 16% of voters think that congressional incumbents should be re-elected. But that’s entirely misleading. The real question is whether they want to replace their own congressman. There are, after all, scores of incumbents I’d like to send packing, starting with Nancy Pelosi, but, unfortunately, it isn’t up to me. The sad truth is that the schmoes in her district think she’s the cat’s pajamas. The louts who live in my district feel the same way about Brad Sherman. The clods who live in the next district over are simply infatuated with Henry Waxman. In politics, clearly love is blind.

So the fact that five out of six American voters think incumbents should be evicted from Congress is meaningless because they’re referring to every incumbent but their own. That, in a nutshell, is how incumbents become incumbents.

There was that other foolish poll that I’ve heard even otherwise intelligent people refer to as if it were gospel. That was the poll that reported that whereas 40% of voters identified themselves as conservatives, a scant 20% identified themselves as liberals. I have actually heard conservative pundits take heart from those numbers. But the truth is that a lot of liberals don’t like to apply that label to themselves. Instead, they prefer to regard themselves as progressives or independents or even moderates. The fact remains that in every national election, 40% of the electorate go for the Republican, 40% go for the Democrat, while the remaining 20%, who are apolitical or just plain dumb, get to decide who wins.

It’s a mystery to me why anyone who was lucky enough to have been born into such a tolerant, freedom-loving, flourishing capitalistic society such as we have would despise it. An even greater mystery is why anyone would wish to see America transformed into something resembling one of Europe’s socialistic disasters. It is because of mysteries such as these that I devote so much of my time and thought to liberals, not to mention my anger and contempt.

I have concluded that people become left-wingers because they confuse good intentions with actual activity, theory with reality and fairy tales with history. That is to say, they are disconnected from an objective universe where facts trump emotions. In short, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I’ve decided that they are not necessarily evil, but they are certifiably bonkers.

They exist in a state of delusion that a cartoonist named Chip Bok captured in a cartoon in which Barack Obama, standing, as usual, at a podium, announces: “I won’t allow the half of Americans who pay no taxes to bear the burden of the other half who aren’t paying their fair share.”

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Send in the Clowns

by BurtPrelutsky

Recently, Jon Stewart found himself in the unenviable position of having people questioning whether or not he’s a racist. The truth is, he had nobody to blame but himself because, employing an accent unheard since the days of “Amos ‘n’ Andy,” he mocked Herman Cain.

I’m proud to say that I wasn’t one of those who questioned him. That’s because I believed the answer was self-evident. He’s a liberal, after all. Therefore, he promotes affirmative action, proving that, like the political party to which he pledges allegiance, he regards blacks as mentally inferior, incapable of competing academically with Caucasians and Asians. If that’s not racism, what is?

The better question is whether Jon Stewart (Jonathan Lebowitz in an earlier life) is a comedian. That, after all, is how people like himself, Joy Behar, Bill Maher and Michael Moore, always identify themselves when confronted by an intelligent conservative. How many times have we heard Stewart and friends insist, “I’m not some political pundit, I’m just a comedian”? By which they mean, they don’t have to tell the truth or stick to the facts. But in that case, isn’t it at least their responsibility to be funny?

All I ever get from Mr. Stewart and his stable of writers are lame insults directed at conservatives, followed by a great deal of bad mugging on his part. That invariably leads to gales of hysterical laughter from his juvenile audience, but all of us who grew up on sit coms have long grown accustomed to canned laughter.

Frankly, when I hear the nits cackling over some inanity uttered by Stewart, Behar or Maher, it helps me to understand how it is that people wind up electing the likes of Obama, Pelosi and Reid. Whoever it was who said that people get the leaders they deserve was right on the money.

When leftwing louts can divert legitimate criticism by insisting they’re comedians, I’m surprised it hasn’t occurred to people like Schumer, Boxer, Waxman, Durbin and Barney Frank, to fend off attacks by reminding us that they’re just a bunch of clowns.

Finally, I believe that most people, including liberals, are aware that the road to success more often than not consists of getting the appropriate education, avoiding drug use and being raised in a two-parent home. And while it’s true that some people manage to prosper in spite of being raised by a single parent, it’s not the optimum situation.

Predictably, in the majority of cases, people who wind up in the gutter or prison come from broken homes, are high school drop-outs and regard drugs as the permanent solution to temporary problems. The exceptions to the rule are those men who, no matter how ideal their upbringing, somehow wind up being the governor of Illinois or the president of the Teamsters. Over the past 50 years, there is hardly one of them who hasn’t wound up, like Rod Blagojevich, trading in his gray pinstripes for prison stripes.

I can’t help thinking that it would save us all a lot of time, trouble and expense, if these schmucks went directly from the swearing-in ceremony to signing-in at Joliet.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!

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Saturday, July 9, 2011

It’s the Stupid Economy, Stupid!

by BurtPrelutsky

When it comes to economic matters, I’m not ashamed to admit that I know next to nothing. The reason I’m not ashamed to make that confession is because I realize that I share this failing with Barack Obama, all the Democrats in Congress, Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke.

Part of my problem is that the Stock Market, which is supposed to be a major indicator of America’s fiscal condition, always reminds me of that roomful of monkeys who, theoretically, given enough time just might write “Hamlet.” I don’t know the basis for that odd notion, but I think it far likelier that they’d eat a lot bananas and make a big mess. Sort of the way that liberals do.

I recall that some years ago I was shocked to hear that the Market had reacted badly to the news that unemployment had dropped below something like 5%. I recall asking some expert why low unemployment should have an adverse effect on the economy, but I believe I dozed off when he brought out his fifth pie chart.

But, knowing I was going to deal with this subject, I did a little research. The New York Stock Exchange Composite Index was 5,058 when Obama took office. About a year later, it stood at 7,051. This afternoon, it was at 8,016. Now how is it possible that with unemployment at 9.1%, underemployment about the same, and four trillion dollars of additional national debt threatening to turn the dollar into the 1929 version of the deutschmark, the market’s been rising during the Obama administration? The only answer that makes sense is monkey business. It’s no wonder that Bernie Madoff was able to con people out of billions of dollars for such a long time. I wonder who’s filled the Ponzi vacuum now that Bernie’s in the cooler.

To me, and I suspect the rest of the world, America must appear to be the world’s most spoiled and immature teenager. We’re behaving exactly like some boneheaded adolescent who’s trying to impress a girl by blowing his allowance for the next two thousand years.

What is truly odd is that liberals in Washington, who are hardly the most religious people you will ever run into, all seem to believe in miracles. I mean, what is it but blind faith that explains how it is that folks like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi fully expect Medicare and Social Security to continue paying out indefinitely at current rates when the money, according to agnostics in the field, is due to run out in the next few years? It makes you wonder why so many of these same politicians regard Christ’s conversion of water into wine as a parlor trick and Jonah and the Whale as far-fetched.

We refuse to dig our own coal or drill for our own oil, but we go on paying Russia, Venezuela and Saudi Arabia, whatever they demand -- and, what’s more, we do it with China’s money. Which is also how we manage to subsidize the U.N., re-build Iraq and Afghanistan, bribe Pakistan and the Palestinians, support illegal aliens and over-pay and over-pension public sector union members. When the Chinese come to collect, do you think they’d be willing to settle for everything north of the Mason-Dixon line?

You would think China would at least insist that Obama cut down on the White House parties and the Hawaiian vacations, but perhaps they, too, have a bunch of chimpanzees in charge of their economy.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Race For the White House

by BurtPrelutsky

As you all know, I will support any Republican — and I mean absolutely any Republican — who winds up running against Obama. That even includes the mastermind who came up with RomneyCare and who subscribes to the myth of global warming. Nobody, and that probably includes any other Democrat, could be as bad for America as the guy who managed to turn “community organizer” into a term of contempt that rivals “used car salesman,” “medical quack,” “ambulance chaser,” “hooker,” “pimp” and “congressman.

How could any patriotic American even consider voting for someone who, in less than three years, has added four trillion dollars to our national debt; has done everything in his power to send energy costs soaring; gotten us involved in a civil war that pits one group of Libyan rats against another group of Libyan rats; and provided a couple of leftist yentas, Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor, with lifetime sinecures on the Supreme Court?

As we start the presidential campaign in earnest, I beg the various GOP candidates to concentrate on Obama and to refrain from providing the liberals with ammunition they’ll be able to use against the Republican nominee.

Provide us with your vision, your agenda and even the Cabinet members on your wish list. Just don’t start harping on how awful the other Republican contenders are. We can decide that for ourselves. Candidates should keep Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment in mind, not to speak ill of a fellow Republican. In fact, if I ran the party, I would insist that every contender sign a pledge to save his rebukes for the arrogant oaf in the Oval Office. Leave it to people like me to handle the insults.

I confess that I am troubled by the fact that Mitt Romney seems to lead in the polls. Although I will surely vote for him if he winds up getting the nomination, I can’t, for the life of me, imagine why he decided to defend his health plan when all he had to do was say, “It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it didn’t quite work out the way I imagined. I learned from my mistake. Why the heck didn’t Obama?”

God knows Romney looks presidential. He even sounds presidential. Central Casting couldn’t have done better. But I keep imagining a TV spot in which Romney declares, “I’m not actually a Republican candidate for the presidency, but I play one on television.”

Quite frankly, I’m not sure why anyone wants to move into the White House. I’m sure it’s nice to have a bowling alley in your basement, but it’s not that nice. I have always regarded the desire to be president as a sure indicator of insanity. But I have also determined that the huge number of loons in America pretty much limits the available choices. They range from those on the Right who are merely unstable to those on the Left who are certifiable crackpots.

This is a country, after all, where California cities San Francisco and Santa
Monica decide to use Nazi caricatures of Jews in a campaign to out-law circumcisions.

This is a country where some freaks think they have the right to disrupt the funerals of dead soldiers, while other cretins spend their evenings outside prisons, holding candlelight vigils for serial killers about to be executed.

This is also the country where the Richmond Federal Reserve Bank decided it would be a swell idea to run the PRISM banner up its flagpole to take its place just below the Stars and Stripes. PRISM happens to be a group representing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender, employees of the Bank. Maybe Ron Paul is right about getting rid of the Federal Reserve. Those people are way too crazy to trust around money.

Speaking of crazy, Fred Biery is a federal judge who ordered the Valley Independent School District, in Texas, to prohibit public prayer at a high school graduation ceremony. Judge Biery declared that Christa and Danny Schultz, along with their son, would be done irreparable harm if anyone prayed at the ceremony. Biery didn’t describe the harm, but had he said that he and the Schultzes had once heard the words “God,” “Lord” and “amen,” spoken aloud at a similar event and been immediately struck by lightning, which fried their brains and turned them into drooling zombies, one could readily understand his concern.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Monday, July 4, 2011

Why Obama Will Lose in 2012

by BurtPrelutsky

As my more faithful readers know, I would never be confused with Pollyanna, even if I donned a pinafore and carried a parasol. But, just as confident as I was that John McCain, thanks to his own pathetic campaign and the economy’s coming down with a severe case of the vapors a month before the election, would lose to Barack Obama, that’s how confident I am that Obama is moving back to Chicago in January, 2013.

Unlike Dick Morris, who told Bill O’Reilly that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina would easily defeat Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer here in California, I knew no Republican had a chance in a statewide election. Come to think of it, I often wish I had the same opportunities to win steak dinners from Morris that O’Reilly has. I’d never have to pay for another meal. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if Morris is reading tealeaves or smoking them.

In any case, I have a slew of reasons why I’m convinced Obama is bound to lose the 2012 election. To begin with, the curtain has been pulled back on the Wizard of Malarkey, and millions of suckers have seen with their own eyes that “Hope and Change” was just more of the same old political hokum. What’s more, feeling good about yourself because you voted to elect a black president doesn’t mean quite as much when he’s the incumbent.

There is also the matter of an unemployment rate that’s higher than when he took office and immediately pushed through a trillion dollar stimulus he guaranteed would drastically lower that rate. As if that weren’t bad enough, he’s run up four trillion dollars in additional debt, much of it owed to China. Then, for reasons I can’t begin to fathom, he sent us into Libya, at a current cost of a billion dollars, in the vague hope of removing a Middle Eastern tyrant who’s no better or worse than the rest of his colleagues in that part of the world. Furthermore, even if we managed to eliminate Gaddafi, jihadists in the guise of freedom fighters would in all likelihood, replace him.

But the actual reasons I’m betting Obama won’t be re-elected is quite simply because he won’t have the electoral votes.

In 2008, Obama carried 28 states and the District of Columbia. That gave him 365 electoral votes to McCain’s 173. But that was then and this is now. At the time, Obama’s offshore drilling ban hadn’t destroyed the oil-driven economy of the Gulf States. While it’s true that most of those states, though not Florida, went for McCain, I’d say that Obama’s energy policy and his push for the Cap & Trade Bill ensures that none of them will be moving into his column.

In addition, the soaring cost to fuel their cars, heat their homes and feed their families, will serve to remind voters all over the country that not even Clinton was as fanatical in his opposition to the American coal and oil industries. It will not be overlooked that, at the same time he was attacking America’s oil industry, he was giving Brazil two billion dollars to help finance their off-shore oil industry -- in which, coincidentally, George (“I’m Not Dracula!”) Soros has a huge financial stake, though, unfortunately, not a wooden one through his heart.

In breaking down the electoral votes, I am also taking into account the number of people who side with Arizona in its ongoing battle with Obama over illegal aliens, as well as those who live in the 28 states whose attorney generals have joined in opposition to the President’s proudest achievement, ObamaCare.

Along with all of those considerations, one should keep in mind that Obama only won Ohio by 4%, Florida by 3% and Indiana and North Carolina by 1% each. That’s the same Indiana from which Obama is now threatening to withhold $4 billion in Medicare allotments for daring to de-fund Planned Parenthood.

One should also keep in mind that during the first two years of his administration, Virginia, Ohio and New Jersey, all elected Republican governors, in spite of Obama’s earnest efforts on behalf of their opponents. In Massachusetts, the voters even elected a Republican senator for the first time in decades. Proving these weren’t aberrations, in the midterms, the GOP added 60 seats in the House and half a dozen in the Senate.

While it’s true that a Republican House will prevent Obama from going quite as crazy in his last two years as he did in his first two, I think there is very little chance that they’ll be able to rein him in as much as Newt Gingrich and the Republican House reined in Bill Clinton in the mid-90s, which, ironically, helped him get re-elected. For one thing, Clinton, unlike Obama, was more a practical political hack and less a left-wing ideologue.

Besides, even as a survival tactic, if Obama attempted to veer towards the center, the combination of Reid, Pelosi, Schumer, Kucinich, Waxman, Sherman, Leahy, Frank, Boxer and Wasserman-Schultz, would keep pulling him back.

It’s bad enough, so far as Obama’s base is concerned, that they’ve had to eat their words when it came to the War Powers Act, Gitmo, military tribunals, enhanced interrogation, ACORN and the Patriot Act. If you expect them to come to their belated senses when it comes to such things as drilling offshore, in ANWR and Wyoming; doing away with affirmative action; opposing same-sex marriages and federally-funded abortions; acknowledging global warming to be a gigantic hoax; adopting a pro-Israel policy in the Middle East; returning power to the states; and doing away with the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (aka ObamaCare), you might as well expect them to register as Republicans.

So, while overcoming Obama’s 365-173 advantage in 2008 might seem an impossible task, bear in mind that 12 of the 28 states that are trying to get rid of ObamaCare helped get him elected last time. But thanks to his overbearing arrogance, his obvious contempt for anyone who disagrees with his policies, his narcissism, his ineptitude when it comes to managing the economy, his endless appearances on TV and his bias in favor of the Arabs over the Israelis, I don’t believe he has won over anyone who wasn’t already convinced he was godlike in 2008.

Making his re-election even more implausible is the fact that thanks to the census, redistricting has shifted electoral votes in the GOP’s favor, so even if he repeated his 2008 performance, he’d end up with six fewer electoral votes.

Added to all of that are the endless rounds of golf, parties, vacations and campaign fund-raising events, he somehow manages to find time for, while leaving such minor details as forging a federal budget and dealing with spending cuts to underlings like Pelosi and Reid.

If, in addition to Florida (27 electoral votes), Indiana (11) and North Carolina (15), where Obama only squeaked by last time, Virginia (13), Ohio (20) and New Jersey (15) -- all states in which the likes of Rick Scott, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Bob McDonnell and Chris Christie, now rule the roost, we’re talking about 101 electoral votes. Which means that even in the unlikely event that Obama somehow manages to hang on to those other 22 states, he would end up in 2012 with 258 electoral votes, losing to someone with an (R) after his or her name who’d have 280.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Flag & !

[This is a classic article by Burt. Enjoy! -ed]

by BurtPrelutsky

July 3, 2008 - In the days and weeks following 9/11, friends and neighbors saw the American flag flying by my front door and assumed it was in remembrance of the people murdered by Islamic terrorists. I didn’t bother correcting them because, by then, that was certainly part of my intention. The thing is, the flag had been out there for several months, but they just hadn’t noticed. Or maybe they just thought it was corny and didn’t want to comment. But, now, I think, is a good time to set the record straight.

I went out and bought the flag because of my grandparents. I should explain I had never known my dad’s parents, both of whom died before I was born. I knew my mother’s parents, but could never speak to them. Although they had come to America in 1921, they never learned English. They could speak Russian and Hebrew, but they preferred Yiddish. I couldn’t converse in any of those languages. And, so, to me, my grandmother was this little old woman who would give me a wet kiss on the cheek and slip a quarter into my hand. My grandfather was a very quiet, bearded man who always wore a black frock coat; he looked like a short Abe Lincoln. He went to shul twice a day. When he was home, he was either reading the Torah, shelling lima beans or sipping tea through a sugar cube held between his front teeth. In short, if my life were a movie, they’d have been dress extras.

So why did I buy a flag because of those four people -- two of whom I had never met and two of whom I had never spoken to? It’s simple. Because of sheer, unadulterated gratitude.

You see, one day, on my way home, I began to think how lucky I was to have been born in this country. Through no effort of my own, having made no sacrifice, taken no risk, I was the beneficiary of freedom, liberty, education, comfort, security and, yes, even luxury. It was not the first time I had acknowledged this good fortune. The difference this time is that, for some reason, it suddenly occurred to me that my good luck hadn’t just happened. It had been the direct result of these four people pulling up stakes and moving thousands of miles, across an entire continent and the Atlantic Ocean, to a new country, pursuing a dream that their children and their children’s children, of whom I am one, might, just might have better lives.

There were no guarantees. That was my epiphany. They had been denied the assurances of hindsight. They had done all this on a roll of the dice, only knowing for certain that there would be no going back.

My father’s parents were illiterate peasants. My mother’s parents not only never spoke a word of English, but her father -- although he owned a small grocery store in Chicago -- never, in 30 years, spoke on a telephone because he didn’t want to embarrass himself. But their grandson, bless their hearts, has enjoyed a career as a successful writer. I doubt if any of them imagined anything so specific or anything quite that wonderful when they snuck across the Romanian border in the dead of night, but they had certainly heard a rumor that in America anything was possible.

The fact is, had those four people, all of whom were poor and barely, if at all, educated -- their little children in tow -- not somehow found the courage to make the journey, I would have been born a Jew in the Soviet Union. Between Stalin and Hitler, the odds are likely I would have wound up a slave in Siberia or a bar of German soap.

So it happened that day when I was out driving and thought about the enormous debt I owed those four immigrants, a debt I could never possibly re-pay, I decided to pull in at the local hardware store and buy a flag. I thought it was something they’d have wanted me to do on their behalf. It wasn’t nearly enough, I know, but it was something.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Living Large, Obama-Style

by BurtPrelutsky

I always find it amusing when Americans look down their noses at the English royals, as so many did on the occasion of Prince William’s recent marriage to Kate Middleton.

We Yanks can trumpet our democratic ways all we like, but at the end of the day it’s all so much idle chatter. We have our own form of royalty, but unlike England’s, where the lineage goes back centuries and where they usually know how to carry it of with some dignity and panache, we’re stuck with brain-addled actors, brain-fried rock stars, felonious athletes and the Obamas.

Even to the casual onlooker, it’s obvious that Barack and Michelle have confused an election victory with winning the super grand prize on “American Idol.”

Consider, for instance, that in 2008, the federal fleet of limousines numbered 238. At last count, there were 412. I assume even Bo, the first dog, has his own limo to ferry him to the vet and the groomer.

Or, better yet, consider that every time Obama takes the family on vacation to Hawaii or jets off to give a pep talk at campaign fund-raisers, Air Force One’s meter is clicking away at about $1,200-a-minute or $70,000-an-hour, and that’s just for fuel and doesn’t include crew, staff or snacks. Not even a New York taxi costs that much.

Still, even knowing all that, I was taken aback when I read that Obama arrived in London for the G-20 summit with a staff of 500, including the White House chef, six doctors and four speech writers, but not counting 200 Secret Service agents. He also brought along 35 vehicles -- not one of them a Volt! -- and a dozen Teleprompters.

It is possible that some misguided liberal will defend the Obamas for their profligate ways by saying that other presidents traveled with equally large entourages or that they, too, hosted equally extravagant parties at the White House. But the questions would then be: Were they holding office when unemployment was over 9%, when foreclosures were dumping record numbers of Americans on the street, when energy prices were skyrocketing, when 47 million Americans were getting food stamps, and when the soundest fiscal advice the president had come up with was to walk to the supermarket and keep our tires inflated.

The enemies of Marie Antoinette saw to it that she went down in historical infamy by claiming that when she heard that the French peasants were starving, suggested, “Let them eat cake.” Maybe she said it, maybe she didn’t. What the quote implies is that she held the people she rode past in her royal carriage with absolute contempt. It would be the exact contempt that Hollywood celebrities and New York elitists feel about those they fly over.

It’s the very same contempt Obama voiced when he told an audience of San Francisco millionaires that the folks in the South and the Midwest cling to their guns and their religion. It’s the same contempt shared by the Obamas when they wine and dine the likes of Paul McCartney, Tom Hanks, Common and Elton John, at the White House. Personally, I’d rather see these left-wing snobs eat crow, but let it be steak or squab, just so long as it’s not on our dime.

Waiting for January, 2013, to roll around makes me feel like a kid counting off the days until Christmas. I just can’t wait for the Obamas to join Nancy Pelosi in that horrible universe where, like mere mortals, they have to fly commercial.

©2011 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write Burt!
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