Friday, July 6, 2012


Burt’s got more than usual to say this month and you get the benefits! Please enjoy this article. And when you finish, please be sure to read the bonus article: “Shut Up, Eic Fehrnstrom!” -ed.

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by Burt Prelutsky

A while back, in an exchange with a reader who took umbrage at my suggesting that liberals were as dumb and as stubborn as mules, he wrote that mules were not only smarter than horses, but that they would only do what they believe is right.

While noting that he didn’t stick up for liberals, I must confess that I never regarded mules as terribly moral creatures. Still, I was willing to grant that it is probably easier to defend them from a moral perspective than your typical liberal college student.

My correspondent replied that he thought college kids were probably smarter than horses, but he allowed that, unless they were carefully raised, they’d believe whatever dumb thing they were told. Moreover, they’d parrot whatever nonsense they heard from their professors and their show biz idols. For good measure, they would argue for a week, employing their infantile logic, on behalf of a cause their parents knew was totally absurd. It was obvious that he spoke from personal experience.

In the end, we agreed that most people would be better off raising either mules or dogs than raising children. For one thing, four-legged creatures tend to be more congenial, more loyal and more grateful, than our offspring…and, what’s more, they never insist on borrowing your car.

Speaking of uncongenial ingrates, if I didn’t sincerely believe that Barack Obama is a menace to the America I love, I could just sit back and be entertained by his endless buffoonery. Unfortunately, even back in 2008, I took him seriously when he promised to radically transform this nation. I recognized that Obama wasn’t merely a politician making idle promises during the course of an election campaign; instead, he was leveling a curse on America.

I swear, at times he reminds me of the sort of person you generally only come across in a sit com. I’m referring to those characters whose foibles are so deeply ingrained that you can always anticipate how they’re going to react in any situation, even what they’re going to say.

The most commonplace examples are man-crazy women, such as the Sally Rogers character portrayed by Rose Marie on The Dick Van Dyke Show or Rue McClanahan’s Blanche Devereaux on Golden Girls, or really stupid, egotistical male characters like Larry Linville’s Major Frank Burns on M*A*S*H or Ted Knight’s Ted Baxter on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

But going back even further, we’ve also had Bob Hope’s perennial wolf and, most famously, Jack Benny’s miser, who once garnered one of the biggest laughs in radio history ...when his character was approached by a mugger (played by Mel Blanc) demanding “Your money or your life?” When, after a few seconds, the thief repeated his ultimatum, Benny predictably replied “I'm thinking it over!”

In much the same way, I often begin laughing in anticipation as soon as Obama starts talking. For instance, when he was asked, in the wake of Governor Scott Walker’s managing to hang on to his job, whether he regretted not campaigning for Tom Barrett in Wisconsin, I bet I wasn’t the only person who started chortling even before he said, “I was hoping for a different outcome, but, as president, I have a lot of responsibilities.” Perfect. Not even Larry Gelbart or Woody Allen could have written a funnier punch line for the bozo-in-chief.

Even if you didn’t know that Obama had spent the weekend before the Wisconsin recall election speaking at half a dozen campaign fund-raisers in the Midwest, you knew he was going to come up with one of his typical knee-slappers.

As everyone knows by now, Russia, which Obama regards as one of his foreign policy success stories, is providing military helicopters to Syria’s Bashar al-Assad. I can’t begin to imagine why Obama, who has double-crossed Poland and the Czech Republic by depriving them of a promised missile defense system and has volunteered to decrease our nuclear arsenal, has also agreed to buy some of those same Russian helicopters for Afghanistan. Aside from the fact that you would think that Afghanistan could use some of its drug money to pay for its own necessities, the real question is why Obama seems to be constantly doing Putin’s bidding. Is it simply that Putin reminds him of the white father he never had?

The truth is, it would probably take a team of psychiatrists to figure out the demons that drive this guy. After being dumped by father, stepfather and mother, all before he even entered puberty, it’s no wonder he comes across like a toxic combination of Jeremiah Wright and a fruit loop.

Recently, when I heard Michelle Obama tell a crowd of idol worshippers, “We all know who Barack Obama is and we all know what he stands for,” I thought for a wild moment that even she was endorsing Mitt Romney.

Speaking of the First Lady, a friend of mine who lives in Virginia recently let me know that Mrs. Obama had hosted a book-signing in Washington, D.C. What made the event even slightly interesting was that in order to enter the store, every customer had to identify himself with a driver’s license and a Social Security card. You would have thought that such a policy would be deemed unfair to young people and members of minority groups, but apparently that only applies when it comes to voting.

I, for one, take great comfort from the fact that since 1948, four Republican presidents (Eisenhower, Nixon, Reagan, Bush) and only one Democrat, Bill Clinton, have managed to win a second term. It strongly suggests that Americans can occasionally be fooled once by left-wingers, but very rarely twice in a row.

Because I am so convinced that Romney will be elected in November, I resent the fact that there will be a two-and-a-half month lag time between Obama’s defeat and his departure.

Even in the People’s Republic of Santa Monica (CA), it doesn’t take that long to evict a squatter.

Liberals: America’s Termites©2012 Burt Prelutsky.

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