Friday, August 10, 2012

BATMAN & BAT EARS

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by Burt Prelutsky

For years now, I have tried to envision just how bizarre a world run entirely by liberals would be, but, with each passing day, I realize how limited I am by an imagination that can never totally encompass the extent of their lunacy.

For instance, the U.S. Navy has decided that the new class of carriers will be outfitted without urinals. This, the Navy insists, will improve “sailors’ quality of life.” I have no doubt that their next order of business will be to produce toilet seats that are impossible to raise, thus ensuring that female gobs will never again suffer the indignity of having to lower a toilet seat.

According to a friend of mine, the 164-minute The Dark Knight Rises, the latest Batman saga, attacks the rich, indulges the poor and features a vicious mercenary named Bane. The producers insist that it was not written by an Obama operative, but one has to assume that at the very least David Axelrod supplied the storyline and got to name the villains.

The Obama administration has not only paid for radio ads pushing people to apply for food stamps, but is also trying to undo Clinton’s signature legislation, welfare reform, by revising the work requirements. Towards that end, the Department of Health and Human Resources is defining personal care activities, which I take to mean hair combing, hand washing and nail cutting; massage; attendance at PTA meetings; and even bed rest, as work-related activities. The upside is that all over America, husbands are now able to defend their afternoon naps as work. Snoring adds the element of cardio-vascular exercise. Wives can open their own damn bottles and water their own damn lawns!

When the rumor was floated that Condoleezza Rice was at the top of Romney’s V.P. list, I kept hearing that conservative Republicans would be cool to the idea because she had once described her position on abortion as being moderately pro-Choice. I confess it’s a term I had never come across and I still can’t make head or tail of it, except I assume it must apply to those women who are slightly pregnant.

Something that surprises me, but probably shouldn’t, is that college towns are inevitably centers of left-wing derangement. Whether we’re discussing Berkeley (CA), Boulder (CO) or Cambridge (MA), there is more conformity of thought and opinion than you are likely to find anywhere outside a gathering of Islamic mullahs or Obama’s election headquarters. Ivory towers, whether they’re located in New York or Texas, are just another name for Towers of Babel.

I think we can all agree that both political parties could do better. The difference is that the Democrats could hardly do worse. It also occurs to me that politics is not only show business for ugly people, but when you consider such ignoramuses as Patty Murray, Barbara Boxer, Andre Carson, Nancy Pelosi and Sheila Jackson Lee, you realize it also provides gainful employment for those too ignorant to pass a civil service exam.

I find it odd that Romney has been labeled a flip-flopper when it’s Obama who should go to London and compete for a gold medal. Nobody can approach him when it comes to flipping; as for flopping, he’s setting records that may never be equaled.

For instance, he said he would be a one-term president if his trillion dollar stimulus didn’t keep unemployment from exceeding eight percent. Under his stewardship, it’s never been below that figure. He also vowed to cut the deficit in half.

This is the same big-eared oaf who said his efforts would create five million energy sector jobs, and who, after two years of spouting off about how his program would create millions of shovel-ready jobs, admitted, while sharing a chuckle with his pal, jobs czar Jeffrey Immelt, that there was no such thing as a shovel-ready job.

He also said that doing things his way would put a stop to home foreclosures and that ObamaCare would lower health care costs by $2,500-a-year for the average family. If Pinocchio had uttered such enormous whoppers, a platoon of eagles could have perched on his shnoz.

Obama said a person would have to be insane to raise taxes in the middle of a recession, and then proved it by trying to raise income taxes on those making over $250,000, hiking taxes on dividends from 15% to 43%, and doubling the current 15% rate on capital gains.

As for Obama’s oft-stated desire to raise income taxes on the top 1%, in spite of the fact that it would hurt businesses looking to expand and individuals looking to invest, the increased annual revenue would cover a scant eight days at the rate Obama blows through our tax dollars.

It’s actually closer to six days if it’s a week during which his wife is taking one of her vacations at our expense.

When you get right down to it, aside from Michelle and his Chicago cronies, there are only two people who have a good reason to be grateful that Barack Hussein Obama was elected in 2008. The first is Jimmy Carter, who is no longer the worst president in U.S. history. The other is George W. Bush, who left office under a cloud, but who now, by comparison, looks more and more like Mt. Rushmore material.

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