Wednesday, February 29, 2012

RUTH BADER GINSBURG & OTHER CATASTROPHES

by BurtPrelutsky

I must confess that I was never as big a fan of Sarah Palin as some Republicans. But honesty compels me to confess that much of my antipathy derived from the fact that her voice had the same effect on me that bagpipes and fingernails on a blackboard have on others. So the fact that she threw her support to Newt Gingrich, a serial adulterer and a K Street lobbyist, didn’t disillusion me as much as it might have.

I realize that because Newt allegedly asked God for His forgiveness, all his tomcatting around is supposed to be off the table. The problem is, I think God should have waited to find out if Newt’s ex-wives forgave him because where I come from, they’re the ones who were wronged.

Just for the record, I have two divorces on my own record. But I never committed adultery and I didn’t have girl friends in the wings when I divorced my wives. What’s more, the first one didn’t have cancer and the second one hadn’t recently been diagnosed with MS when we parted company. In fact, I suspect that if I were running for president, neither would try to derail my campaign and at least one of them, the Republican, would even vote for me.

Much has been made about Gingrich being a man of ideas. But the fact is, what’s required of a president are principles and a political philosophy that’s in tune with that of America’s founding fathers. A president always has access to the best ideas in America; he needn’t limit himself to only those that spring willy-nilly from his own head.

I realize that for obvious reasons, Newt would like Republicans to see him as Ronald Reagan incarnate. But the fact is, he has far more in common with Barack Obama. Both are thin-skinned and narcissistic. In musical terms, the president should be the conductor of a 310 million piece orchestra, but these guys see themselves as one-man bands. They’re like one of those guys you used to see on the Ed Sullivan Show, beating a bass drum on his chest, clashing cymbals between his knees and wheezing into a harmonica.

Reagan always used plural pronouns when referring to the accomplishments of his administration; with Obama and Gingrich, whether they’re referring to taking out Osama bin Laden or helping to balance the federal budget during the 90s, it’s all I, me and myself.

Another person who unfortunately reminds me of Obama is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. In Obama’s case, his problem with the U.S. Constitution is that it failed to deal with the redistribution of wealth. In Ginsburg’s case, the problem is that it’s an out-dated document that ignored the rights of women, slaves and Native Americans.

In a recent interview shown on Egyptian TV, she had a few good things to say about our Constitution, but she advised her listeners not to use ours as a model in a post-Mubarak society. “I would not look to the U.S. Constitution if I were drafting a constitution in the year 2012,” she said. Instead, she referred Egyptians to the constitutions of South Africa, Canada and the European Convention on Human Rights. She added: “I can’t speak about what the Egyptian experience should be, because I’m operating under a rather old constitution.”

As she approaches her 79th birthday, I would have appreciated it if she had limited her remarks to the state of her own aging constitution. Which, I dare say, is in far worse shape than our nation’s.

Not to be outdone by a cranky old woman when it comes to making stupid remarks, Jesse Jackson voiced concern that Governor Jan Brewer’s pointing her finger at Barack Obama could jeopardize his safety by inciting others to violence. This is the same Jesse Jackson who got terribly upset in 2008, when he decided that candidate Obama had insulted blacks by proposing to expand George Bush’s federal assistance for faith-based social services. At the time, Reverend Jackson, unaware that his microphone was live, turned to a friend and said, “I want to cut his nuts off!”

In response to those Republicans who feel that this bitter primary season will leave our Party deeply divided and unable to unite and defeat Obama, I’m here to reassure them. If, as seems likely, Mitt Romney is the standard-bearer, Gingrich will say, “I still think he’s a Massachusetts moderate, but that sure beats being stuck with an Illinois socialist.” With the promise that the Federal Reserve will finally face a long overdue audit, Ron Paul will enthusiastically hop aboard the bandwagon.

As for Rick Santorum, I think he’ll be happy as a lark if Romney simply buys up all those surplus sweater vests he’ll have lying around in his garage.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Monday, February 27, 2012

TROUBLEMAKERS & DUNDERHEADS

by BurtPrelutsky

Sometimes, I’m amazed that I know as many decent, intelligent, law-abiding, people as I do. Because the fact is, a disturbingly large number of Americans are simply up to no good and should not be trusted anywhere near heavy machinery, sharp tools, voting booths or me.

For instance, look at someone like Sarah Palin, the woman with the most annoying voice in the world, who was rescued from anonymity by John McCain, and who, $20 million later, is scolding Republicans, including Sen. McCain, for not prostrating themselves at the feet of Newt Gingrich.

Then, for good measure, we had Herman Cain endorsing Mr. Gingrich. If only Mr. Cain could have convinced Bill Clinton and Mark Sanford to join him, Newt would have tied up the entire membership of the Political Hound Dogs of America.

Democrats insist that green energy is the hope of the world. Their favorite president cancels the Keystone XL oil pipeline on behalf of environmental fascists. But just how sincere are they? We see one federally-subsidized green energy company after another going bankrupt, taking billions of tax dollars with them. And do you know anyone who’s shopping for a Chevy Volt? Rich liberals talk a lot about their love of renewable energy, but even when I drive around Beverly Hills and Bel Air, where so many of them live, I don’t see solar panels on their roofs, and I mainly see SUVs and Mercedes sedans in their driveways.

For sheer lying power, you can hardly beat Al Gore, who has been lining his pockets with millions of dollars, repeating the same lie about global warming at least since 1997, which was the year when the earth started cooling down, as it has done periodically since long before the invention of the internal combustion engine. Talk about your inconvenient truths! Even the folks at the University of Anglia, which had been at the center of promoting the global warming hoax, now claim that we might be heading for a mini-ice age rivaling a 70-year temperature drop that saw frost fairs held on the Thames in the 17th century. So, gentlemen, start your engines. Everyone else, start burning oil and coal before we all freeze to death!

But when it comes to lies, it’s hard to beat homosexual males. In the 80s, they lied about AIDS being a major heterosexual problem in order to co-opt federal funding for medical research. Who cares about kids with leukemia? Let folks suffering with cancer, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, go fly a kite. These days, they rant and rave about same-sex marriages, but even in those woebegone states where judges and legislatures have shoved it down the throats of the people, the number of such marriages is negligible. And most of those involve lesbians.

For sheer audacity, possibly nothing compares to Tom Brokaw’s objecting to the Romney campaign using a segment from a 1997 NBC newscast in which he announced that the House Ethics Committee would punish Newt Gingrich for ethics violations. The reason he gave in voicing his objection is as funny as anything that’s been said on TV this year: “I do not want my role as a journalist compromised for gain by any campaign.” Everyone knows that this huckster for the Left had given up any pretense of being an objective journalist a long time ago. After all, he spent the 90s cheerleading for Bill Clinton; he ignored the story about John Edwards and his doxy long after the National Enquirer broke the news; and, finally, Brokaw carried so much water for Barack Obama in 2008 that, from outer space, he was often mistaken for Hoover Dam.

Joe Trippi pops up so often as a political pundit on Fox News that you might actually think he’s some sort of authority. The only thing he’s an expert at is losing elections. He has run presidential campaigns for Ted Kennedy, Walter Mondale, Gary Hart, Richard Gephardt, Jerry Brown, John Edwards and Howard Dean. Over the past 40 years or so, if you wanted to get rich betting on elections, all you had to do was find out which left-wing numbskull had hired Mr. Trippi. An interesting sidebar is that, he studied aerospace engineering for three years at San Jose State College before dropping out, 14 credits shy of graduation. But I guess it provided him with the all-important capacity to spot guys like Mondale, Brown and Howard Dean, space cadets with money to burn on inept campaign managers.

Hillary Clinton, whose business cards read “The Smartest Woman on Earth,” and whose mirror has been trained to say, “I swear you’re the fairest one of all!” was recently heard to say, “I looked around our world and I thought we are in just so many deep holes that everybody had better grab a shovel and start digging out.” Well, God knows we have enough shovels lying around going to waste, thanks to all those non-existent shovel-ready jobs Obama promised us three years ago, but if Secretary of State Clinton thinks that the best way to get out of a deep hole is to dig a deeper one, I think it tells us all we need to know about this administration’s brain trust.

For sheer stupidity, however, it’s tough to compete with those black Americans, including the likes of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali, who gave up their perfectly fine birth names, Lew Alcindor and Cassius Clay, in order to show their kinship with Arabs and Muslims. You have to wonder how anyone gets to be that dumb without getting an advanced degree in Stupidity.

I mean, did these numbskulls never pause to wonder how their ancestors became slaves in the first place? After all, the owners of Georgia cotton fields didn’t go to Africa and round them up. As for New England sea captains, they merely collected the unfortunate captives at African ports and sailed them across the Atlantic; they certainly didn’t wander into the jungle and chase them down. No, it was Arabs and Muslims native to Africa who handled that end of the dirty stick.

You know, those guys with names like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Friday, February 24, 2012

A TALE OF TWO DEBATES

by BurtPrelutsky

Tonight, I watched the GOP Presidential debate from Mesa, Arizona. Last night, I attended a Congressional debate here in the San Fernando Valley. There was a world of difference between them. The biggest difference is that I got a big kick out of last night’s event, even though the candidate I’ll be voting for hasn’t got the slightest chance of winning. His name is Mark Reed, and he’s a bright, attractive, well-spoken fellow. In many parts of the country, even in many parts of California, he’d be a shoo-in. He suffers from only one drawback; Reed happens to be a Republican.

Last night, he had to enter the lion’s den. Not only did he have to contend with two U.S. congressmen, Howard Berman and Brad Sherman, but the event took place in a synagogue, so nearly everyone in the overflowing audience was a Jewish liberal. To be fair, nobody booed Mr. Reed, but that was mainly because the rabbi reminded everyone to be on their good behavior, and because the audience knew that Reed was essentially irrelevant.

What made the evening so entertaining for me is that one liberal was, for the first time in his political life, being forced to tell the truth about another liberal. It was sheer heaven listening to these guys insult each other. There was none of that phony “With all due respect to my distinguished colleague” blather. These guys wanted to bludgeon each other to death with their microphones.

The reason behind this mortal combat was that California’s congressional lines were redrawn after the last census and what had previously been safe liberal districts for Sherman and Berman had been turned into a single district that will be covered in blood before the primary vote in June determines which of them goes back to the House and which one goes back home.

Honesty compels me to confess that I have been friends with Howard since our days at UCLA. But as he knows, I will be voting for Mark Reed. At present, Brad Sherman is my congressman. If I had to choose between them, I would vote for Berman, not only because he’s an old chum, but because so far as it is possible for a liberal to be a man of principle, I believe he is one. For one thing, he backed the invasion of Iraq. Whether you agree with that decision or not, a great many Democrats opposed it for no other reason than to make political hay at George Bush’s expense.

For another thing, Brad Sherman joined the likes of Henry Waxman and Maxine Waters in voting to continue funding ACORN with taxpayer dollars. And that was even after we had all seen the videos of ACORN employees trying to help someone they believed was a pimp finance a proposed brothel to be filled with underage girls from Central America.

That brings us to tonight’s GOP debate. As usual, I found Ron Paul alternately amusing and alarming. One minute, you find yourself being charmed by his apparent good nature; the next minute, you’re asking yourself “Did he really say the world has nothing to fear from a nuclear Iran? Or did he mean that someone has invented a new, clear iron?”

Rick Santorum still strikes me as a guy born to be a college cheerleader, although it appears that this lengthy campaign has taken a toll on his hairline. It seems to be receding at the speed of light. I recall that during the 1961 baseball season, as he pursued Babe Ruth’s home run record, the pressure became so great on Roger Maris that his hair began falling out in clumps. I fear that if the primary race lasts into June, Santorum could wind up as bald as I am.

As usual, I was impressed with Mitt Romney. I know that some people resent his looks, his height, his hair and his money. By” some people,” I mean others besides myself. But just because someone looks and sounds presidential, I don’t really think that should be a liability for someone who deserves to be the President.

That brings us to Newt Gingrich. Although I have sat through all of the debates so far, which adds up to about 498 hours I’ll never get back, I finally focused like a laser on what Gingrich was actually saying, as opposed to the glib way he has of saying things.

I don’t know why after all this time it finally hit me. After all, it has been his constant mantra throughout the campaign that he’s the guy who reformed welfare, balanced the federal budget and, through his Contract with America, gained control of the House for the GOP.

That being the case, it seems to me that the most sensible solution is for Romney to be the President and Gingrich to run for Congress and once again become the Speaker.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

THE SILLY SEASON

by BurtPrelutsky

With football season finally over, we face the rest of the year, during which victories and awards are not usually determined by actual talent, true grit or any other standard that can be measured objectively. Instead, we will have some group of generally goofy individuals determine who will cart home Oscars, Nobel Peace Prizes and the U.S. presidency.

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that so many people are addicted to sports is because they remain just about the only meritocracies in existence. While it’s true that injuries occasionally play a role in which team wins the World Series or the NCAA basketball tournament, it is nearly always the best team that cops the trophy.

The Academy snubbed Jimmy in 1939...
When it comes to Academy Awards, there is a long history of mind-boggling injustices. For instance,“Sweet Leilani” beat out the Gershwins’ “They Can’t Take That Away From Me”; James Stewart got the Oscar for The Philadelphia Story to make up for his losing it the previous year to Robert (Mr. Chips) Donat, when he starred in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington; Going My Way and its director Leo McCarey beat out Double Indemnity and Billy Wilder; The Greatest Show on Earth beat out High Noon, The Quiet Man and The Bad and the Beautiful; and, lest we forget, the Academy members, in their infinite stupidity, decided that “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,” performed on the Oscarcast by the group that composed it, the 3-6 Mafia, was voted the Best Song of 2006. It thereby took its place on a list of honorees that included “The Lullaby of Broadway,” “The Way You Look Tonight,” “Over the Rainbow,” “The Last Time I Saw Paris,” “White Christmas,” “It Might as Well Be Spring” and “Moon River.” If you close your eyes, you can almost picture some bureaucrat in Heaven telling the likes of Harry Warren, Jerome Kern, Harold Arlen, Irving Berlin, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein, Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer, to be sure and make room in their clubhouse for the dudes in the 3-6 Mafia.

I keep hearing that Newt Gingrich is a great idea man. That begs the question why he should be the president. It seems to me that if someone is an innovator, you don’t make him the CEO of the company, you put him in charge of the lab. In Newt’s case, I think he might make an admirable Secretary of State or, maybe better yet, as a John Bolton-like ambassador to the U.N.

So he won in 1940.
When it wound up taking Iowa weeks before deciding that Santorum and not Romney had won the caucus -- but even then they couldn’t be sure because they had somehow misplaced a ton of ballots -- I expected Florida’s governor, Rick Scott, to send Iowa’s Governor Terry Branstad a one-word telegram: “Thanks!” After those folks botched the counting of a mere 121,000 votes, it couldn’t help but take the onus off Florida. Iowa didn’t even have all those blankety-blank hanging chads to contend with.

Speaking of which, one of the absurdities of the primary system is how much attention it focuses for months on end on states such as Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina. In addition to the 121,000 caucus votes cast in Iowa, there were 248,000 cast in New Hampshire and roughly 600,000 in South Carolina. In short, we have devoted endless time and energy to analyzing less than a million votes when, in the general election, more than 140,000,000 votes will be cast. To me, that makes about as much sense as judging a book by its first paragraph.

Tony Bennett and Elvis Costello sing “They Can’t Take That Away From Me”
Finally, as dumb as Obama’s nixing the Keystone XL oil pipeline is, it’s even dumber that we’re not drilling for oil in Alaska and in the lower 48. I still recall when Bill Clinton was railing against the endless demands that he “Drill, Baby, Drill!” In 1996, he actually had the gall to argue that even if they opened ANWR to the oil industry, it would still take 10 years before the oil would reach our local gas pumps. At the time, I pointed out that it would eventually be 2006 in any case, and wouldn’t it be nice if we no longer had to depend on the likes of Saudi Arabia, Iran and Russia, to supply our energy needs.

The fact is, because of environmental Nazis and their advocate in the Oval Office, we have pretty much shut down the oil and coal industries. It seems to me that should be a constant source of shame for every member of Congress, including those on the right side of the aisle.

The very idea that America is still dependent on foreign oil makes about as much sense as Mexico having to import tortillas, Italy having to import olive oil and France having to depend on Luxemburg to supply them with snails.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Monday, February 20, 2012

UNBURDENING MYSELF

Don't miss today's bonus article, DIDDLING WHILE AMERICA BURNS. -ed.

by BurtPrelutsky

We all realize that the members of the media, including several of the talking heads who appear regularly on Fox News, have one thing in common; namely, that Barack Obama plays a leading role in all of their favorite wet dreams. But, still, wouldn’t you think that just once, some reporter would ask Obama to explain why Warren Buffet and all of his other millionaire and billionaire chums, the guys who plunk down $35,000 to hear him deliver a campaign speech, don’t simply send more money to the IRS?

We all know that there is a certain amount that every tax payer has to cough up on April 15th, unless you’re one of the 47% who pays no income taxes at all or someone like Timothy Geithner or Charles Rangel, who regards himself as a 47-percenter at heart; but there is not a maximum amount. There’s nothing in the tax code that compels anyone to take deductions. If, like Obama, you believe that the federal government spends your money far more wisely than you do, feel free to write a bigger check. After all, we all know that the best way to lead is by example. But the only example that Obama and his fat cat cronies set is one of blatant hypocrisy.

Talking about lousy examples, what is going on with our military? First, we had Major Nidal Hasan’s superiors at Fort Hood turning a blind eye to his doing everything but decorating his bunk with pin-up pictures of Osama bin Laden prior to murdering 14 people. Now, we have the administrators at West Point rescinding the invitation to retired Lt. General William G. Boykin to address the cadets at a prayer breakfast.

It seems that Boykin, a recipient of the Distinguished Service Medal, the Legion of Merit with oak leaf clusters, the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart with oak leaf clusters, is a plain-spoken Christian who has ruffled Muslim feathers along the way. He has done this by quite rightly pointing out that, unlike Mohammad, Jesus Christ not only helped to civilize mankind, but also inspired our Founding Fathers in the creation of the United States. As a result of setting the record straight, he was targeted by a group called Vote Vets.org. It describes itself as “the largest progressive group of veterans in America.”

When Vote Vets isn’t attacking people like Boykin, Sean Hannity and Col. Oliver North, it finances political campaigns against such conservative stalwarts as Rick Santorum, George Allen, John Cornyn, Mitch McConnell, John Thune and Mark Kirk. It has also poured millions of dollars into promoting the global-warming hoax and opposing oil drilling in America.

It seems to me that if West Point is allowing itself to be pressured by these left-wing louts, we can expect they’ll next start taking their marching orders from the Occupy Wall Street anarchists and the loony ladies of Code Pink.

Speaking of the military reminds me that although I find Ron Paul’s cavalier dismissal of the threat posed by a nuclear Iran to be irrational, I share a few of his concerns about our role in the world. For instance, I think it is high time that we let Europe protect itself against Russia. No reason on earth why we should be borrowing money in order to do for them what they can do for themselves.

I would also suggest that we cut way back on the number of mutual defense pacts we have. Although we have a few actual allies in the world, including England, Canada, Australia, Japan, Israel, Poland and the Czech Republic, I think we should at least be able to count on the support of a nation when it comes to U.N. votes before we enter into mutual defense pacts that are obviously “mutual” in name only. For instance, in what bizarre universe do you think we could actually count on the likes of Egypt, Jordan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Argentina, Kuwait, Bahrain or Turkey, to come to our aid? The answer, I’m afraid, is when Hell freezes over or the cow jumps over the moon.

Finally, I understand that there are some people who are convinced that Christian evangelicals might stay home on Election Day if Mitt Romney garners the GOP nomination. I truly hope that’s not the case. Not only because it would enable Obama to win a second term, but because it would mean that a significant number of my fellow Republicans are so religiously intolerant that they would spurn a presidential candidate simply because of his faith. For one thing, we don’t live in a theocracy and, for another, I think it would be pretty hard to find two more decent patriots in public life than Mitt Romney and his fellow Mormon, Glenn Beck.

On the other hand, honesty compels me to mention that a third notable Mormon is Harry Reid.

Which only goes to prove that no religion is perfect.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

DIDDLING WHILE AMERICA BURNS

Don't miss today's bonus article, UNBURDENING MYSELF. -ed. 

by BurtPrelutsky

The worst thing about the political debates isn’t the format or the content, but that it magnifies debating skills to such an extent. I keep hearing that Gingrich would demolish Obama in a debate. I disagree. Republicans would watch such a debate and decide that Newt had mopped the floor with Barack; Democrats would see it the other way around. And the next day, the liberal media would announce that Obama won by a knockout in the first round.

As we all know, a president no more needs to be a great debater than he needs to know how to juggle plates, play the accordion or yodel.

Apparently, in Jodi Kantor’s book, The Obamas, the thing that unites Barack and Michelle is the sincere belief that America needs to be radically transformed. Apparently, they both subscribe to the nutty notion that the gap that exists between those who are successful and those who are poor has nothing much to do with hard work, dedication, talent and ambitious goals, everything to do with “opportunity, power, access and wealth.”

Even I have to grant that power and access explain how it was that Michelle came to be paid an astronomical $350,000-a-year working as a part-time administrator at a Chicago medical center once her husband was elected to the Illinois legislature.

It also appears that when some of us have accused Obama of being arrogant and narcissistic, we weren’t just whistling “Dixie.” He has apparently told his staff that he knows more about banking than bankers, is a better writer than his speechwriters and knows more about issues than his policy directors. In 2008, he was quoted as saying, “I think I could probably do every job on the campaign better than the people I’ll hire to do it.”

That’s pretty big talk coming from a guy who never held an actual job prior to being elected president, unless you’re one of those people who believes that being a community organizer for ACORN looks impressive on a resume.

One of the scariest things I’ve gleaned from the book is that Barack relies on Michelle to let him know the pulse of the nation. This is a woman who is either jetting off on exotic vacations at taxpayer expense or hosting galas at the White House for the likes of Paul McCartney, Tom Hanks and Oprah. Using Michelle as a sounding board sounds a lot like Louis XVI relying on Marie Antoinette to tell him what was really bugging the French peasants.

Apparently, Obama, who in conjunction with his attorney general, Eric Holder, has created the most racist administration in American history, is of the opinion that the only reason he could possibly lose his bid for re-election is white racism. In his opinion, it can’t possibly have anything to do with ObamaCare; an additional six trillion dollars in national debt; taking his marching orders from George Soros and public sector unions; playing politics with the XL oil pipeline; the first ever downgrading of America’s credit rating; 47 million Americans on food stamps; an unemployment/underemployment rate of 16%; and his giggling like a school girl when he announced, after blowing a trillion tax dollars on his stimulus bill, that apparently shovel-ready jobs weren’t quite as shovel-ready as he’d insisted.

So, Obama would have us believe that the same country that elected him over John McCain in 2008 is now the land of bigotry if the folks don’t make that mistake again. He’d do well to recall the old adage: fool us once, shame on you; fool us twice, shame on us.

He reminds me of the black basketball coach who, a few years ago, sued the college that fired him, claiming racism. He somehow managed to overlook the fact that, one, over the course of three seasons, the team had lost three times as many games as they had won; and, two, that the bigots who fired him were the very same people who had hired him in the first place.

Speaking of “basketball,” over the past few years, conservatives are taken to task if they even utter the word in connection with Obama, even though he loves being photographed driving for an uncontested lay-up. He also enjoys establishing his “street cred” by talking about March Madness and the NCAA basketball tournament, lest people start thinking he spends all his time on the golf course, just like all those rich white guys he’s always whining about.

But conservatives are also accused of speaking in racist code if they even say words like “entitlements” and “food stamps.” As you may recall, Juan Williams, who’s no stranger to playing the race card, scolded Newt Gingrich for that very thing during the GOP debate down in Myrtle Beach.

It’s a strange world when white conservatives stand accused of bigotry if they vote against someone whose policies and philosophy they find equally offensive whether advanced by Obama or promoted by his white allies in Congress. But nobody dares mention racism, or even misogyny, when prior to giving 97% of their votes to Obama in the general election, a huge majority of blacks supported Obama in his run against the equally liberal Hillary Clinton.

Finally, I suppose most of you have heard about the policy recently introduced in Washington, D.C., mandating that exterminators treat rats as if they were an endangered species, and transport them painlessly to a different location. When I first heard the news, I threw my hat in the air and hollered “Hurrah!” The letdown came a few minutes later when I found out they were talking about actual four-legged rodents and not Harry Reid and his cronies in Congress.

Although it is difficult to understand why D.C. politicians would create such a goofy program, I suspect the answer lies in the old joke about the reason that sharks never attack lawyers swimming in the ocean; namely, professional courtesy.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

Friday, February 17, 2012

THE STATE OF THE STATES

by BurtPrelutsky

At times, it’s heartbreaking to find that some states are as inept as the federal government. Of course, living, as I do, in California, I’m in no position to throw stones. However, when I found that it took Iowa weeks to finally add up a mere 200,000 caucus votes and still not know the actual election results, I wondered once again why Iowa is allowed to be the kickoff state in presidential elections. I may have missed it, but I don’t recall seeing it mentioned in the Constitution that Iowa and New Hampshire were endowed by the Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among them were life, liberty and dibs on hogging the nation’s attention every four years.

On the flip side, we have had Arizona, Alabama and South Carolina, drawing the ire of Eric Holder by doing their best to rid America of illegal aliens. We also have several states waging the good fight against Obama and the Justice Department by insisting that voters have to provide photo IDs for something even more important than buying cigarettes and beer.

We should never lose sight of the fact that Ronald Reagan once said, “The federal government is not the solution; it’s the problem.” That is especially the case when it’s in the hands of socialist nincompoops who look at what’s happening to the nations of Europe and, with a straight face, say, “We should be more like them. Forget the glories of ancient Greece; it’s modern Greece we should be emulating!”

Although we keep hearing about the importance of a college education, particularly an Ivy League college education, what is one to make of people like Obama and cabinet members Hillary Clinton, Tim Geithner, John Bryson, Shaun Donovan, Arne Duncan and Eric Holder, all of whom got their degrees from Harvard and Yale? Let’s face it -- if a manufacturing company turned out such shoddy products, you would assume that the only reason they weren’t out of business is because Obama was shoveling billions of tax dollars their way to keep them on life support.

Speaking of Obama, why aren’t the labor unions who have seen Obama cancel the Keystone XL pipeline, depriving them of at least 20,000 jobs, raising a stink about it? You know for a fact that if it had been a Republican president who had caved in to the environmental fascists, killing jobs and forcing Canada to send the oil to China instead of Texas, they’d be marching on the White House with torches and pitchforks. But I suppose it’s a pipe dream to expect a union to turn on the arrogant ignoramus who handed GM over to the UAW.

I had assumed, as had most people, that the murder of 14 people and the wounding of 29 others by Major Nidal Hasan at Fort Hood was the result of Islamic jihadism. The only reason that Hasan, whose business cards read “Soldier of Allah,” had not been sent to the stockade or an asylum was because his military superiors were afraid of being labeled religious bigots. What I had not known until learning of it from David Horowitz, is that Barack Obama said the 43 were victims of…(a drumroll, please)…work place violence.

In other words, it had nothing to do with Islam. According to the golfer-in-chief, those 43 Americans were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, just like those folks who get shot up when a disgruntled postal employee flips out. It makes it kind of hard not to sympathize with Hasan’s superiors when their own superior is so easily cowed by Muslims.

In a way, Obama is the inevitable end result of a half century of left-wing indoctrination in American schools, media and pop culture. For decades, we have raised kids with the idea that they’re entitled to have high self-esteem even if they’ve done nothing to earn it. They’re told that grades aren’t important and that nobody should keep score at athletic events because it’s the participation that matters, not whether one wins or loses. These loons insist they want equal playing fields, but what they really want are equal results. Nobody is supposed to be better, richer, smarter or stronger, than anyone else, because, if they are, it means that they must have cheated or their parents cheated. It can’t be the result of brains or genes, initiative or even luck.

Thomas Sowell, in a recent article, pointed out that all over the world some groups have always exceled financially and intellectually. He listed the Ibos in Nigeria, the Parsees in India, the Armenians in the Ottoman Empire, the Germans in Brazil, the Chinese in Malaysia, the Lebanese in West Africa, the Tamils in Sri Lanka. Although he didn’t mention it, I’ll add the Jews in many places. That’s just the way it is. That’s not to say that individuals in other groups can’t rise to the top, especially in America.

The odd thing is that while nobody would ever think to suggest that height and brawn are equally distributed, liberals somehow think that brains and ambition should be. And if they’re not, the federal government should somehow compensate for the grave injustice.

The fact of the matter is that every liberal is at heart a Utopian. They believe that if enough laws and regulations are passed, human equality is attainable. As goofy as that sounds, it’s easily explained. Liberals, you see, are morons. That’s why they continue to believe, for instance, that socialism is so much better than capitalism.

Their philosophy is all theory and no reality. To socialists, all human beings have equal potential, but that’s because they don’t stop to consider what actual human beings, as opposed to slices on a bureaucratic pie chart, are actually like.

As a result, human nature -- at least those parts of it that involve sloth, lust, stupidity and greed -- is the thing that Utopians never take into consideration.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

NUMBERS DON’T LIE, LIBERALS DO

by BurtPrelutsky

Republicans are worried sick that the Democrats will be able to use all the nasty sound bites from the GOP debates in the general election. I’m not too concerned for a number of reasons, but the main one is that the GOP will merely have to produce ads in which we show Barack Obama saying, “I’m pledging to cut the deficit in half by the end of my first term in office” and “If I don’t get the unemployment rate under 7%, I deserve to be a one-term president.”

For good measure, I would produce another ad in which I showed Obama and jobs czar Jeffrey Immelt giggling as the president says, “I guess shovel-ready jobs weren’t quite as shovel-ready as we thought.” The viewer would be reminded that this came a long time after Obama, Pelosi and Reid, shoved through a trillion dollar stimulus that they promised would turn around the economy.

Only a know-nothing know-it-all like Obama would even consider blowing hundreds of billions of tax dollars on solar panels and railroads, two things that Americans crave about as much as they do a case of measles or mumps.

In spite of Obama’s chief of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano’s insisting that our southern border has never been more secure, according to Townhall writer Katie Pavlich, there is at least one official sign posted in southern Arizona that reads: “Travel Caution: Smuggling and Illegal Immigration May Be Encountered in This Area.” But I suppose Ms. Napolitano can’t possibly see the sign from 2,000 miles away.

It’s also worth mentioning that the American Bar Association has rated a record number of Obama’s judicial nominees as “not qualified,” and they weren’t even referring to Kagan and Sotomayor. Or, for that matter, to Attorney General Eric Holder, under whose watch the feds allowed over a thousand weapons to be delivered to Mexican drug cartels and who, for good measure, refused to prosecute the Black Panthers for intimidating white voters. For purposes of comparison, the ABA rejection rate of Obama’s judicial appointments is four times as high as it was under Clinton or Bush. But I guess that’s to be expected when you keep trying to pay off hundreds of crooked Chicago cronies with federal judgeships.

Speaking of numbers, Newt Gingrich came under fire from the self-righteous Juan Williams for referring to Obama as the Food Stamp President. Led by Williams, liberals insisted that was a racist slur. But, then, those self-righteous ninnies consider every honest comment about Obama’s administration to be a racist slur.

Liberals were quick to point out that most of the 47,000,000 people now collecting food stamps are white. As typically happens when liberals start tossing numbers around, the purpose isn’t enlightenment, but obfuscation. Their intention, whether it’s food stamps or crime statistics, is to pretend that guilt can only be ascribed to white Americans.

In the case of food stamps, all they had to do was point out that the majority of those using food stamps are whites, not blacks. While that’s true, it’s also true that whites constitute two-thirds of the population, blacks roughly one-seventh. So while it’s a fact that whites are 34% of the folks on food stamps and blacks only 22%, 66% of the population is white and only 13% black. In case you’re one of those who never quite mastered percentages in junior high, let me try to clarify things. There are 310 million Americans, 205 million of whom are white, 40 million are black. That, we can agree, is quite a gap. On the other hand, of the 47 million Americans collecting food stamps, only about 16 million are whites, while nearly 10.5 million are black.

So, while I don’t favor Newt Gingrich in the primaries, I think we can all agree that he’s not a racist.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said of Juan Williams.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Monday, February 13, 2012

WHY ROMNEY

Enjoy this bonus article. Be sure to read “YOU KNOW YOU’RE A LIBERAL...” -ed.

by BurtPrelutsky

Judging by the email I receive from my readers, there are a lot of Republicans who feel that Mitt Romney doesn’t pass the conservative litmus test. Some of them even threaten to sit out the presidential election if Governor Romney secures the nomination. Although I do my utmost to be polite in my response, the truth is, I regard such people as idiots and loons.

Burt endorses Mitt
First of all, in any competition, you can only choose the best of the contenders, not the ideal. So, would I be more enthusiastic about Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio and Mitch Daniels? Yes, I would be. I would also favor George Washington, James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, three other guys who are not in the race.

But when it comes to choosing between Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney, I find the choice an easy one. Newt Gingrich lugs around more baggage than a team of redcaps. When a politician has been involved in this many scandals involving sex and money, I just naturally assume he’s a Democrat. Besides, this is a guy who has sat on a couch with Nancy Pelosi and promoted the global warming hoax; he has attacked free market capitalism; and dismissed Paul Ryan’s economic plan as “right-wing social engineering.”

Ron Paul seems an amiable sort of guy. He reminds you of an elderly uncle who shows up at family reunions, has a few drinks and winds up asleep at the dinner table, with his head resting in the mashed potatoes. Although I would never wish to be accused of fomenting ageism, the fact remains that if he were elected, he would be in his 80s before the end of his first term. A guy that age should be taking naps regularly, not running the most powerful nation on earth.

In terms of policy, anyone who is cavalier about a nuclear Iran; believes that 9/11 was our own fault; and supports gutting and neutering the U.S. military, is someone who should not be trusted anywhere near sharp tools, heavy machinery or the Oval Office.

Rick Santorum strikes me as a decent man. He also strikes me as a perennial lightweight. He comes across like a male ingĂ©nue. Between his tinny voice and his sweater vests, I keep expecting him to run on stage and say, “Tennis, anyone?” Also, as Newt Gingrich has pointed out, as a senator, he was in the hip pocket of the Pennsylvania unions, supported Arlen Specter’s re-election and was the crown prince of earmarks.

As a personal aside, I should mention that when I interviewed Senator Santorum for my latest collection of interviews, I asked him if he was in favor of term limits. When he said he was, I asked him why, in that case, after serving two terms in the House and two terms in the Senate, had he run for a third term? He said, “Because I favor more than two terms for the Senate.” I told him that was what separated politicians from normal people.

Having explained why I would not like to see the other three contenders get the nomination, the main reason that I would like to see Mitt Romney carry the GOP standard is because I regard him as the best bet to defeat Barack Obama, the worst and the most dangerous president in American history.

Although many Republicans do not consider Romney a true conservative, the fact is America is not a truly conservative nation. It’s not Party bosses who shove people like Bob Dole, John McCain and the Bushes, down our throats, as some folks insist is the case. They happen to be the folks who win our primaries. The country is pretty evenly divided between conservatives and liberals. It is the 20% in the middle who call themselves moderates and independents who determine winners and losers, and they are put off by candidates, Democrat or Republican, they regard as extremists. They are far more likely to support Romney, a man whom even his opponents call a moderate, than they are either of the other three.

The thing to keep in mind is that if conservatives can’t win GOP primaries, what makes anyone think they can win general elections, when, for reasons I’ll never understand, liberals and middle-of-the-roaders are allowed to vote?

Most conservatives insist on litmus tests to determine the purity of Republican candidates. But the fact is they’re fooling themselves. They’ll dismiss Romney simply because he was the governor of a liberal state and had to compromise with a legislature that was jam-packed with Democrats. What they fail to acknowledge is that our hero, Ronald Reagan, would not have passed a similar test in 1980. As the governor of a liberal state, he twice raised taxes; he shut down California’s mental institutions, releasing thousands of psychotics who crowd our streets to this day; and he signed the most liberal abortion bill in America.

And while it’s convenient to overlook the fact, Reagan got played for a sucker by a left-wing Congress that promised to shut down the Mexican border, and foolishly signed the amnesty bill that saw our illegal alien population soar from three million to 15 million. Too bad that in this all-important matter, Reagan trusted, but didn’t verify!

Mitt Romney may or may not be a RINO, but the last one we had in the White House wasn’t all that terrible. As I recall, he got rid of Saddam Hussein; he prevented a repeat of 9/11; he placed Sam Alito and John Roberts on the Supreme Court; and, for good measure, he kept Al Gore and John Kerry out of the Oval Office.

If all that Mitt Romney does is evict Barack Obama, he will have earned his place on Mount Rushmore.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A LIBERAL IF…

by BurtPrelutsky

A friend recently sent me a list defining the differences between Democrats and Republicans. Because so many people write to me, insisting that they can’t see any difference, I’ll print out my slightly revised version as a public service:
  1. If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one; if a Democrat doesn’t like guns, he wants them outlawed.
  2. If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat; if a Democrat is a vegetarian, he expects the federal government to ban meat products, along with salt, sugar and chocolate.
  3. If a Republican is a homosexual, he quietly leads his life; if a Democrat is homosexual, he demands that marriage be turned into a free-for-all.
  4. If a Republican is poor, he thinks about how to best improve his situation; a Democrat demands a hand-out.
  5. If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches stations; Democrats demand that he be tossed off the air.
  6. If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t attend church; an agnostic Democrat wants all references to God, Jesus and Christmas, to be banished from the land and will lie about the First Amendment to help him get his way.
In spite of believing all of that, I still doubt that any of the Republicans seeking the nomination will be able to carry through on their promise to eliminate the departments of Commerce, Education and Energy, and all the federal regulations that Chairman Obama has put into place. It’s not that I doubt their sincerity, but getting rid of regulations means getting rid of regulators. And I simply can’t picture a Republican president adding hundreds of thousands of unskilled, essentially unemployable, bureaucrats to the unemployment rolls.

The fact that liberals are so sheep-like in their opinions has led me to conclude that they’re not born like the rest of us, but merely cloned.

I have spent years trying to get inside the mind of a liberal. I can only explain my failure as an inability to blast through all the concrete. One of the few things I have managed to figure out is that they are not unaware that socialism hasn’t worked out too well in China, the Soviet Union, Cuba, Cambodia, North Korea, France, Greece or Nazi Germany, but they have somehow convinced themselves that the only problem with the alternative to capitalism is that it has never been done correctly. In that way, as in so many others, they’re exactly like those goofballs who assume they can use heroin and cocaine without becoming addicted.

The only reason, I’ve decided, that people can be so easily convinced that day is night, black is white, and up is down, is because it’s only very small lies that are transparent to everyone. To see through big lies, lies that are foisted on us by those who want to peddle us bad drugs and even worse ideas, is that you actually require the ability to think for yourself.

This being an election year, I hear a number of people claiming what they seek in a president or a senator is a statesman. I, for my part, think “statesman” is a euphemism that politicians concocted for themselves in the same way that garbage collectors decided they preferred being called waste managers.

I say, if you got your job by running for office and getting elected, thus avoiding having to prove you’re qualified to do anything genuinely useful, you’re a politician. What’s more, if you owe your job to a politician, you’re a bureaucrat.

The only time a politician should ever be referred to as a statesman is when he dies. After all, nobody expects sincerity in obituaries, and his family will probably appreciate the gesture.

Cyril Northcote Parkinson was an Englishman who gave his last name not to the dreadful disease, but to the Law that states that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. It’s hard not to believe that he had the U.S. Congress in mind when he came up with that notion, but perhaps Parliament served equally well as his muse. Mr. Parkinson also observed that there’s nothing that an official loves more than multiplying his subordinates, which is why bureaucracies regularly rise by 5-7% annually, irrespective of the amount of work to be done, even in the midst of a financial meltdown.

C.N. Parkinson was also the fellow who pointed out that expenditures inevitably rise -- and I would add, generally exceed -- income. And that holds true for governments every bit as much as individuals.

Speaking of excess, we have an aristocracy in America, but instead of the dukes and lords Parkinson had to contend with, ours consists of actors, rock stars, professional athletes and people like Paris Hilton and the Kardashians, who seem to have glommed onto fame and fortune through the simple but mystifying process of drawing a number out of a cosmic hat.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky.Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

Friday, February 10, 2012

MINING FOOL’S GOLD

[Starting this week, we’ll publish on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. - ed.]

by BurtPrelutsky

While I was on a recent vacation, I watched Fox News more than usual. Mainly what I noticed is that while Alan Colmes, Juan Williams, Leslie Marshall, Bob Beckel and Geraldo Rivera, are the five most annoying things to be found on the network, rounding out the top 10 are the commercials for the gold merchants, Merit Financial, Lear Capital, Goldline, Discount Gold Brokers and Rosland. The worst of the lot is Rosland, which day after day, enables three of the least appealing guys in America, Ben Ferguson, dentist Larry Pickard and Jeffrey Nichols, to enter our living rooms. For sheer gall, it’s hard to top the moment when young Ferguson asks Mr. Nichols why he purchases his gold from Rosland, while Nichols is simultaneously identified on screen as the senior financial advisor for the company!


It became increasingly difficult to take Romney’s rivals seriously when they spent all their time attacking Bain Capital instead of focusing their anger on Obama Capital. To my mind, “vulture capitalism,” which quickly replaced “at this point in time” as my least favorite expression, is when you take American tax dollars and hand them off to your fat cat contributors so that they, in turn, will send a portion of the loot back to Obama’s Re-election Campaign.

I must confess I got awfully tired of hearing that Newt Gingrich was a changed man, so it was finally a relief when, once the Iowa caucus was behind him, he could again show his true, obnoxious, colors.

Although I don’t hold most politicians in terribly high regard, at least when it comes to the ranks of the Republicans, it is hard to find anyone ranker than the former Speaker.

Even among the Democrats, it is rare to find anyone whose entire career has been motivated entirely by money, sex and revenge. While those are standard characteristics for a Shakespearean king, they’re not ideal when it comes to an American president. On second thought, it’s not all that rare among the Democrats. What could I have been thinking?

Sometimes the propaganda efforts by Obama are so clumsy that one can only laugh. For instance, he had a big bash at the White House for those so-called business owners whom he credited with “insourcing American jobs.” While it was true that I couldn’t recognize any of the people standing behind him at the photo op, it’s also true that I don’t know very many business owners. But, I finally caught on to the game when, after the staged event, we heard directly from two of the participants. The first was the Democratic mayor of Atlanta, and the other was the head of the Steelworkers Union. Only a former community organizer would identify such people as business owners. It reminded me of the charade when, in order to push his god-awful health care program, Obama had a bunch of shills don medical smocks and sit in the White House Rose Garden while gazing adoringly at him.

Even though the holiday season is now just a distant dot in our rearview mirror, it occurred to me the other day that the very same gremlins who annually wage war against the trappings and traditions of Christmas, parroting their favorite advertising slogan, “separation of church and state,” are the most vocal when it comes to promoting Sharia Law as a viable option for American Muslims. I will also wager that they wouldn’t voice the slightest objection if Kwanzaa were made a national holiday.

In much the same way, if the Tea Party favored liberals, but was otherwise unchanged in word or deed, we all know that Obama and his cronies would never in a million years accuse them of being racists, traitors and terrorists.

On the other hand, if the Occupy Wall Street movement consisted of conservatives, I find it highly unlikely that Nancy Pelosi would find the time or inclination to pay lip service to their spunk and youthful spontaneity.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky.Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

THERE’S WAY TOO MUCH FORGIVING GOING ON

[Starting this week, we’ll publish on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. - ed.]

by BurtPrelutsky

When Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour pardoned a number of murderers on his last day in office, he was acting in the proud tradition of several other political hacks. There was Bill Clinton, who not only pardoned Marc Rich, a major Clinton campaign contributor who had fled America with several million stolen dollars, but Harvey Weinig, a former Manhattan lawyer who had facilitated an extortion-kidnapping scheme and helped launder over $19 million for the Cali cocaine cartel. For good measure, among the 140 pardons he granted on getaway day were 16 members of the FALN, a Puerto Rican terrorist organization that had set off 120 bombs, mainly in Chicago and New York, along with Linda Sue Evans and Susan Rosenberg, who had been loyal members of the Weather Underground.

Compared to that, Governor Michael Dukakis was small potatoes, even though his presidential chances were fortunately scuttled when the world found out that he had allowed a Massachusetts murderer, Willie Horton, who had been sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole, to be granted a weekend furlough. Predictably, instead of returning to prison as promised, Horton headed south, where, in Maryland, he twice raped a woman after pistol-whipping and stabbing her fiancé.

Governor Mike Huckabee, who also believes fervently in the rehabilitation of violent criminals, has Maurice Clemmons on his conscience. Clemmons, years after being pardoned by Huckabee, killed four police officers in Washington state.

Then there was Illinois Governor George Ryan, who in his last days in Springfield commuted 160 death sentences. But in his case, he may have just been planning ahead, because not too long after, he, himself, was sentenced to 30 years for political corruption, and a guy can’t have too many friends in the pen.

That brings us back to Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, who decided that he wasn’t about to take a back seat to anyone when it came to playing the Good Samaritan. So it was that he decided that just because a bunch of convicted murderers hadn’t killed any of his grandkids when he had them working around the governor’s mansion in Jackson, he would return the favor by pardoning them.

You can almost see the appeal of bestowing forgiveness on the very worst among us. It allows these boneheads to regard themselves as godlike, behaving as they expect Jesus would if only He, too, could win a statewide election.

There are two obvious flaws in this sort of thinking, and the proof of the first is that these guys generally wait until they’re all packed up and ready to leave the key under the mat. That shows that they know there will be blowback from the public, who aren’t concerned with burnishing their holier-than-thou image, but with having to worry about their families with these killers running loose. God knows it’s hard enough to arrest and convict these bastards without then having some knucklehead springing them on a whim.

The second flaw is that even though Christians are supposed to hate the sin, but love the sinner, that doesn’t mean they’re supposed to park their brains and their common sense in the deep freeze.

Back in 1999, Pope John II, while on a visit to America, decided to campaign for the commutation of Darrell Mease’s death sentence. Mease had murdered three people, including a young paraplegic, but the Pope became convinced that he had experienced a religious conversion. It would have been too much to expect Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan to stand up to him, but I had hoped that he would at least have negotiated an agreement whereby Pope John II would have taken the 53-year-old Mease back to the Vatican with him, freeing Missourians of the obligation of housing and feeding this human slug for the next 30 or 40 years.

The irony is that Mease, who was a meth user and dealer, was also a religious bigot who despised Catholics.

In conclusion, I would say that the only people who are ever entitled to forgive a criminal are God, who apparently is in the business of forgiveness, and the criminal’s victims. And in the case of murderers, their victims have been permanently silenced, and it behooves the rest of us, including their parents, friends and siblings, to respect their silence by keeping our own self-righteous yaps shut.

I say the next time some political hack feels called upon to do a good deed, let him donate a kidney.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky.Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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Liberals: America’s Termites Profiles of Success (60 candid conversations with 60 Over-Achievers)

Monday, February 6, 2012

THE GREAT AMERICAN NEWS QUIZ

[Starting this week, we’ll publish on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. - ed.]

by BurtPrelutsky

It is obvious that when it comes to elections, the Democrats are always looking to game the system. That is why they are always campaigning to give voting privileges to prison inmates and illegal aliens. It also explains why people like Eric Holder make themselves look so foolish when they insist that the use of photo IDs on Election Day discriminates against young people and members of racial minority groups. You know, those very same folks who never seem to have a problem coming up with photo IDs when it comes to buying cigarettes and beer or getting on airplanes.

In fact, the real problem as I see it is that it is far too easy to vote. Any screwball, any crackpot, any drooling jackass, can show up and help determine who will be the President of the United States. I’m not suggesting that voting be limited to the landed gentry or white people or to people whose IQs are above 150. Each of those groups has its fair share of drooling jackasses, after all. But there is surely something terribly wrong with a system that allows people who ignore the political scene until the last possible moment and are then told that previous generations have fought and died so that these numbskulls can go out and vote. Instead of being encouraged to stay home, they are shamed into “doing their duty” when everyone in his right mind knows that the real duty of a citizen of the Republic is to first be informed.

This still being a free society, what previous generations fought and died for was the right not to vote. It’s only in dictatorships that 100% of the people are expected to go out and vote for tyrants like Joe Stalin and Saddam Hussein, and where people are sent to North Korean gulags if they don’t grieve long and hard enough when their dear leaders finally kick the bucket.

In the spirit of improving our system, I have come up with a sample quiz that people should be able to pass if they’re going to be granted voting privileges next November.
  1. How large is our national debt?
    1. $50 million
    2. $100,000,000
    3. $15 billion
    4. $15 trillion
    5. It’s a trick question. There is no such thing as a national debt.
  2. Is the National Labor Relations Board one of the three branches of the federal government?
  3. What is Harry Reid’s position in the U.S. Senate?
    1. sergeant at arms
    2. majority leader
    3. wizard
    4. men’s room attendant
    5. there is no such person.
  4. Eric Holder holds what cabinet position?
    1. attorney general
    2. token racist
    3. Barack Obama’s best friend
    4. president’s caddy
    5. lightning rod for the administration.
  5. Solyndra is the name of
    1. America’s last space shuttle
    2. a proposed oil pipeline
    3. a defunct solar panel company
    4. a vegetable
    5. the Obamas’ older daughter.
  6. What is Henry Waxman’s most notable accomplishment?
    1. voting to continue funding ACORN when even the majority of House Democrats said “enough is enough”
    2. chairing the committee investigating the use of steroids in major league baseball while under the impression that Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were chemists
    3. hiring out as a garden gnome for children’s birthday parties
    4. winning the “Biggest Nostrils in Washington” competition 30 years in a row
    5. all of the above.
  7. How long is a senator’s term?
    1. two years
    2. four years
    3. six years
    4. eight years
    5. 759 years.
  8. Where was Barack Obama born?
    1. Chicago
    2. Hawaii
    3. Kenya
    4. the brain of George Soros
    5. under a cabbage leaf.
  9. Nancy Pelosi serves what function in the House of Representatives?
    1. tour guide
    2. minority leader
    3. ideal representative of her gay, lesbian and transgender, constituents
    4. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s role model
    5. Henry Waxman’s mistress.
  10. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D, FL) plays a major role in the Democratic Party. Is it
    1. as the chairwoman of the DNC
    2. to constantly remind every Jewish congressman of the last blind date he let his grandmother arrange for him
    3. to make the likes of Maxine Waters, Barbara Boxer and Sheila Jackson Lee, seem almost regal by comparison
    4. to constantly remind Henry Waxman of the girl that got away
    5. all of the above.
The answers: (1) d; (2) No, it only thinks it is; (3) b; (4) a; (5) c; (6) e; (7) according to the Constitution, it’s c, but, for all practical purposes, it’s e; (8) no final determination has yet been made; (9) b,c.d and possibly e; (10) e. In an ideal world, if you scored 90 or 100%, you would be allowed to vote next November. If you scored 70 or 80%, you will probably vote for Obama, but it’s still a free country, if not an ideal world, and I guess there’s no way to stop you. If you scored below 70%, you will no doubt get lost on the way to your polling place, thereby earning the gratitude of a grateful nation.

©2012 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? Write BurtPrelutsky@aol.com!
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