Friday, June 7, 2013

BP BONUS: SANITY TAKES A HOLIDAY - TRANSLATING OBAMASPEAK

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by Burt Prelutsky




We have all come to expect split-decisions from the Supreme Court, but we don’t expect the four on the losing side to consist of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and…Antonin Scalia! But there he was lurking with the three left-wing harpies when it came to the recent decision involving DNA.

In case you missed it, Alonzo Jay King had been arrested for assault. As part of the booking process, the cops took a swab of his cheek. The DNA test resulted in his being connected to a rape in Maryland for which he was subsequently tried and found guilty.

According to Scalia and the ACLU, the police had no right to swab his cheek because it invaded his right to privacy. That is exactly the sort of muddleheaded thinking that we have come to expect from liberals. Fortunately, the majority of the justices quite rightly decided that taking the smear was no more invasive than taking his fingerprints.

I can’t imagine what Justice Scalia has been smoking, but I have heard that he and Mrs. Ginsburg are extremely friendly, so one might leap to the assumption that the old gal has used her female wiles to cloud his judgment. One will have to wait and see if his derangement is temporary or terminal.

Speaking of females, if abortion is a women’s health issue, as Obama and his chums over at Planned Parenthood keep insisting, why isn’t carrying a concealed weapon a public health issue? After all, abortion leads to the taking of innocent lives, whereas a weapon in the right hands leads to the defense of innocent lives.

What liberals seem unable to grasp is that making schools, churches, movie theaters and malls, gun-free zones guarantees that only criminals and lunatics will be armed in those venues.

Another bit of liberal malarkey has it that blacks are always in need of federal assistance because of slavery. What they choose to ignore is that slavery ended 150 years ago, and that 50 years have elapsed since the enactment of the Civil Rights Act. How is it that Jews, Italians, the Irish and Chinese, all came to America, most speaking a foreign language, and faced discrimination when it came to housing, education and employment, but managed to overcome bigotry and succeed within a generation? And, more recently, how is it that Americans of Japanese ancestry were tossed into concentration camps during WWII, but quickly recovered from the insult and injury of losing not only their freedom, but their homes, farms and businesses?

While on the subject of minorities, I have never understood why Native Americans, as they apparently choose to be called, objected to having college and professional sports teams named the Indians, the Braves and the Chiefs. Considering the life style so many have chosen for themselves by remaining wards of the state on reservations, would they really prefer to have the teams called the Sots, the Idlers and the Ne’er-do-wells?

Speaking of sots, idlers and ne’er-do-wells, it seems that the IRS spent $50 million on conferences during the past few years, the costs including $1,500-a-night hotel rooms and $60,000 videos parodying “Star Trek” and “Gilligan’s Island,” and still had enough left over for $92 million in employee bonuses between 2009 and 2013.

As proof that the White House had nothing to do with the IRS kerfuffle, Obama henchman David Axelrod claimed it was simply too stupid a scandal to be laid at the feet of Obama or any of his advisors. Oh, really? After recalling such brainstorms as Cash for Clunkers, the Unaffordable Health Care Act and Solyandra, I at least had to acknowledge that Axelrod delivers much funnier one-liners than Jon Stewart, David Letterman or Bill Maher.

What even Axelrod didn’t try to laugh away was the fact that although Hillary Clinton had only visited the White House 43 times in four years and Leon Panetta, 20 times, IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman had been in and out 157 times. When you realize that, between fund-raisers, vacations and golf outings, Obama only visited 78 times, you have to wonder if Shulman and Michelle have been carrying on an affair.

In case you ever doubted that college campuses are every bit as left-wing as MSNBC, a survey showed that only four Republicans were invited to be commencement speakers at the top 100 universities.

And while the likes of Charles Krauthammer, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Clarence Thomas, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Rush Limbaugh, Thomas Sowell, Bernie Goldberg, Kelly Ayotte, Dennis Prager, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, Ann Coulter and Steve Hayes, were probably relieved that they didn’t have to shlep out to some college, don a silly robe and stand in the sun, delivering one of those boring speeches sprinkled with words like “future,” “dedication,” “youth,” “hope” and “dreams,” I’m sure they would have appreciated being asked.

Speaking of being asked, apparently the price extracted by Bill Clinton in return for his lauding Barack Obama, whom he apparently despises, at the Democratic National Convention last year was that Obama would return the favor by endorsing Hillary in 2016. But the way that Obama’s popularity is plummeting in the wake of all these scandals, Clinton must be kicking himself. And when his foot gets tired, I’m sure Hillary will be only too happy to take over.


TRANSLATING OBAMASPEAK


I have never been good with foreign languages, so it’s little wonder that I have had so much trouble figuring out what Barack Obama is talking about. Still, it didn’t take me too long to realize that “fees” and “revenues” are what the rest of us call taxes.

I’m ashamed to admit that the first time I heard him say, “I can’t comment because there’s an ongoing investigation,” I assumed he couldn’t comment because there was an ongoing investigation. By the second time, it dawned on me that what he was really saying was “There’s no way I’m going to talk about (Operation Fast & Furious) (voter intimidation by the New Black Panthers) (the monitoring of the AP) (the national security leaks to the NY Times that made me look like I knew what I was doing when it came to foreign affairs) (Syria) (Benghazi) (the targeting of conservatives by the IRS) while an ongoing investigation is taking place.”

And if you asked when any of those investigations was likely to be concluded, the honest answer, which you’d never get, is sometime after January 20, 2017.

Does Obama actually think anyone believes him when he says that he had no idea that Internal Revenue was targeting right-wing groups and individuals? In order to swallow that, we would also have to believe he’d have been equally in the dark if the IRS had been targeting liberals for the past two or three years.

He’s not alone when it comes to speaking in code. For instance, when you ask Hillary Clinton why it makes no difference who killed Ambassador Stevens and his three colleagues in Benghazi, the honest answer would be that neither she nor Chelsea was one of the four victims, so it was no big deal.

And when Bill O’Reilly tells guests on The Factor “You’re dodging my question,” it really means they’re not agreeing with his latest pontification.

A reader sent me a question he wished somebody would ask Obama: “Why is it that Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood get free F-16s, but law-abiding Americans can’t be trusted with hunting rifles?” On behalf of Obama, let me assure you that there is an ongoing investigation.

Another reader pointed out that if you cross the North Korean border illegally, you’ll be sentenced to 12 years hard labor. If you sneak across the Afghan border, you’ll be shot. If, on the other hand, you enter the U.S. illegally, you get a job, food stamps, a driver’s license, a place to live, health care and an education. Some would suggest that proves we are better than North Korea and Afghanistan. Others would suggest that what we are is a nation of suckers and screwballs.

On a somewhat related matter, although I love the game of baseball, I despise the World Baseball Classic, which is not to be confused with the World Series. For one thing, the competition begins when the winter baseball season south of the border concludes. Thus, Latin players are ready to go at a time, early March, when our own players are supposed to be getting into shape with their teams at spring training camps.

But worse than that basic unfairness is that players being paid millions to play for the Yankees, Cardinals, Red Sox and Mariners, are expected to play for their native countries. Even those who have resettled with their families in the U.S. are encouraged to compete under a foreign flag against their native-born teammates.

I know I shouldn’t be too surprised. Major League Baseball, an organization so corrupt that it knowingly turned a blind eye to players juiced up on steroids erasing the records of Ruth, Maris and Aaron, just so they could sell a few more tickets, cares about the Game about as much as Obama cares about America.

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager has pointed out that when it comes to religion, there are three self-identified groups: Believers, Agnostics and Atheists, and of the three only the Agnostics are hypocrites. As Prager argues, if a person really can’t decide whether or not God exists, doesn’t it behoove him to attend a church or synagogue every other week? Instead, Agnostics behave exactly like Atheists, who at least have the courage of their convictions.

But I would suggest that Liberals, including the Atheists in their ranks, have their own religion. It’s called Big Government. They don’t question it. Instead, like Muslims, they prostrate themselves to it.

Their faith is so great that it doesn’t even occur to them that at some point, Satan, otherwise known as a Republican, will inevitably gain control of it, and whatever powers have been granted or gobbled up by the executive branch will be in the hands of their archenemies.

But, then, nobody ever said that the followers of Liberalism were smart. Well, at least not with a straight face.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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