Friday, December 13, 2013

"Satan's Little Imps" and "I've Got EMail"

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by Burt Prelutsky

When I contemplate the damage being done to America, it’s difficult for me to imagine that it’s the work of mere mortals. Surely the Devil must have a hand in it. That notion ties in to my suspicion that Scratch must be working day and night to expand Hell to make room for all the left-wingers who will be taking up residence over the next 30 or 40 years. I suppose, if push comes to shove, he can always rent additional space in Detroit.

Generally, when a boss – be it of a company or a country – is constantly whining that he was unaware of a problem, be it harassment in the work place or, say, the IRS targeting millions of law-abiding Americans, unsafe working conditions in Benghazi or a catastrophic health care plan, he is either, one, lying or, two, surrounded by flunkies, whose main responsibility is to keep him out of the loop. But in Obama’s case, it’s never a case of either one or two; it’s always both.

Now we hear that Obama wasn’t satisfied ensuring his re-election by merely having the IRS acting as an arm, a strong arm, of Team Obama, but used the Census Bureau to cook the unemployment numbers to make it appear just before Election Day that he had managed to lower the rate from 8.1% down to 7.8%. The big surprise is that he didn’t have them lower the rate all the way down to 4.8% or even 2.8%. After all, he had already seen to it that people who stopped looking for jobs or simply signed on for disability weren’t included in the nose count.

Obama recently said, “I’m not stupid enough to go out a week before the launching of the Affordable Care Act website and announce it would work if I knew it wouldn’t.”
That begs the question: Just how stupid are you? Even Bo, the First Dog, knew back in March it would be a disaster because he read the reports you had apparently begun using as poopy pads. Besides, the question of your stupidity is really beside the point. The American people have grown accustomed to having stupid presidents, but being lied to on an hourly basis is a whole new experience.

Jay Carney, Nancy Pelosi and the rest of Obama’s flying monkeys keep telling us that ObamaCare is on track. What they neglect to mention is that another train is also on track, but headed in the opposite direction. The collision will rattle windows as far away as Sri Lanka, but, for Democrats, it will prove even more destructive, come the 2014 elections. For them, it will be a case of déjà vu, as they experience 2010 all over again.

This version of Waterloo must be as big a surprise to Barack Obama as the earlier one was to Napoleon Bonaparte. I mean, after the media had allowed him to skate on Operation Fast & Furious; spying on the AP; slandering Fox reporter James Rosen; using the IRS to beat up conservatives; letting four Americans get butchered in Benghazi and then covering it up in a way that must have made Nixon spin in his grave, while muttering “Why me?” Obama had every reason to believe he could have sodomized little Jay Carney in front of the Washington Press Corps and received a standing ovation.

Obama is not only a cancer, but he has metastasized through the entire Washington establishment. He is the reason that every department feels free to squander millions of tax dollars on frivolous conferences and bonusus for underachieving bureaucrats. Over at Homeland Security, a minor entity named Avo Kimathi, who made $116,000 last year, suggested that “In order for black people to survive the 21st century, we are going to have to kill a lot of white people.”

For openers, nobody named Avo Kimathi should be working for the federal government. For another thing, four months after he shared this revelation, he was still on salary. His punishment consisted of being placed on leave, which only meant he didn’t have to punch a clock to collect that $39,000. In the meantime, the agency claims to be investigating the matter. This is the same administration that claims to still be investigating Benghazi well over a year after a Muslim mob slaughtered Ambassador Chris Stevens, Sean Smith, Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods, with nary a suspect in custody.

Closer to home, Obama presented Oprah Winfrey with the Medal of Freedom just a week or so after she called older Americans racists who “just have to die,” ignoring the fact that most of the racists in this country look a lot more like her than they do like me. Besides being nasty and racist, her remark displayed a monumental lack of gratitude. It was mainly those older white ladies, after all, who made her TV chat show such a rousing success and made her a billionaire.

I know I’m just dreaming, but wouldn’t it be refreshing if black liberals like Ms. Winfrey, Danny Glover, Samuel Jackson and Harry Belafonte, would confront white liberals who demean black conservatives like Clarence Thomas, Thomas Sowell, Allen West, Walter Williams, Tim Scott, Ward Connerly and Condoleezza Rice? But I suppose that’s as much a pipe dream as expecting Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to condemn black punks for robbing, raping and attacking whites.

It recently occurred to me that the way his approval numbers have tanked, Barack Obama should sign up for Life Alert because he’s fallen and he can’t get up. On the other hand, the schmuck has become so accustomed to lying, we might as well just leave him there to rot.

Finally, referring to the 2009 furor over her wearing shorts aboard Air Force One back in 2009, Mrs. Obama now calls it her worst fashion faux pas. By way of explanation, she said, “Sometimes I simply forget I’m the First Lady.”

She doesn’t know how lucky she is. For the past five years, as God is my witness, I’ve devoted nearly every waking hour to trying to forget that unfortunate fact, and so far I haven’t even come close.


Recently, a friend, Mel Calvert, suggested that in light of the fact that I respond to comments from my readers, it would be a good idea if I shared some of the exchanges with others. It seemed like a swell idea. The best thing about it is that, for once, I wouldn’t have to start from scratch.

(Inasmuch as I didn’t bother getting anyone’s permission to reprint their messages, I will either make up names or use their own designated tags.)

Ragweed wrote to say I should have included John McCain on a list of politicians who trample on the Constitution. I replied, “I am not, as you know, a fan of the nincompoop. The only good thing about him is that he has an (R) after his name, which means that Harry Reid only has a five-vote majority we have to overcome next year when it might otherwise be a six-vote margin.”

Old Desert Rat wrote: “I agreed with the paragraph in ‘The Piltdown Man Signs Up for ObamaCare” that reads, ‘Speaking of the Imposter in the Oval Office, it wasn’t that long ago that liberals used to insist that George W. Bush was avenging his father by going after Saddam Hussein. And yet they never mention the far likelier scenario that Barack Obama is avenging himself on his drunken, communist, father’s sworn enemies; namely, the white race, western civilization, Christians, Jews, all non-Muslims and capitalists.”

To which I replied, “I find it odd that so many people were ready and willing to psychoanalyze Clinton and Bush in terms of their relationship with their fathers, but adverse to do the same when it comes to Obama, who even went so far as to title one of his memoirs ‘Dreams of My Father,’ the very schmuck who abandoned him when he was two years old. Those dreams turned out to be our nightmares.”

Dick wrote: “What intrigues me, Burt, is how the statists in Hollywood are always condemning capitalism and promoting socialism, yet all are paid different amounts, depending on who the actor is. If they truly believed in socialism and equal distribution of wealth, then all actors, set designers, make-up artists, and everyone else working in the business, would be paid the same and live in the same size house.”

“Dick,” I responded, “Hollywood actors, writers, producers and directors, are for socialism for the same reason that D.C. Democrats are for ObamaCare. It doesn’t cost them anything, and it puts them in solid with their colleagues. One thing, though, that has never really made sense to me is why those who want all power to reside in the hands of the federal government, and not the states, are called statists, when logic would suggest they be called anti-statists or at least federalists or even dummies. It makes about as much sense as referring to conservative states as red, and left-wing states as blue.”

In response to “A Countdown to Armageddon,” Karen wrote: “I agree with you that governors make the best presidents, as they have executive experience and they know how to manage finances. However, I am very impressed with Ben Carson.”

I replied: “I like Dr. Carson very much, but he was a surgeon. I don’t think telling a nurse to hand him a scalpel constitutes executive experience. Maybe he could be the Surgeon General. Just being smart and conservative aren’t enough. Otherwise I would vote for myself before I’d vote for Dr. Carson.”

Harry wrote to say that Rubio and Cruz shouldn’t even be considered, not because they’re senators, but because “Their parents were not native-born Americans.”

I replied, “I always thought that restriction against the foreign-born was one of the weaknesses of the Constitution. Some of the most patriotic Americans are those who were born elsewhere, and therefore don’t take this nation’s exceptionalism for granted. They, better than most of us, are in a position to compare what it means to be an American, as opposed to being a Russian, a North Korean, a Cuban or even a Scandinavian.”

George wrote “Each state has two Senators elected to represent the state’s interests, and every member of Congress is expected to represent his district’s interests. They all sit in their respective house, grouped by party affiliation. The President, on the other hand, is elected by the entire country. He is elected to represent the interests of all the people. Thus, his leadership should be apolitical. President Obama hasn’t figured out that he is President, not still a Senator.”

“George,” I replied, “you’re overlooking the fact that the President, whoever he may be, is not freshly hatched. Because he was a governor or a senator and he had an (R) or a (D) after his name, and his campaign was financed by the RNC or the DNC or by others who had a partisan interest in the outcome of the election, it’s naïve to think he will be non-partisan. That doesn’t mean, though, that he is entitled to ride roughshod over the opposition as Obama has done.

“From Inauguration Day on, Obama has let it be known that he has no desire to be a unifier. Although it’s a notion to which he paid lip service when he was running for office, since being elected he has waged warfare, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the 1860s. He has sided with blacks against whites, gays against straights, atheists against believers, the poor against the middle class, Muslims against Christians, illegals against citizens, America’s enemies against her allies, and those who want the Second Amendment repealed against those who understand that the Second was essential in order to protect the First.”

As we go forth, friends, let our motto be: “Make Burt’s job easier. Write half his column for him.”

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?

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