Friday, June 28, 2013

DEALING WITH PILES

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

The piles I am referring to have nothing to do with hemorrhoids. For that sort of relief, I believe Preparation H is still the answer. The ones I have in mind are those that are constantly collecting on my desk in the form of notes I have jotted down about all the crazy stuff going on. And while it could be my imagination, I’m convinced they possess the ability to reproduce.

To begin with, a Nazi flag was seen flying above a mosque near the Palestinian village of Beit Omar, on the outskirts of Hebron. But that won’t stop the Jew-haters, both those inside and outside of the rat-infested United Nations, from siding with the barbaric Arabs and Muslims against Israel. Obama’s recent choice to replace Susan Rice as ambassador to the U.N., Samantha Power, has gone so far as to suggest that the U.S. military should invade Israel and force them to accept a Palestinian state. Where on earth does Obama find these people?

Speaking of our military, any president who sends them anywhere in the world to defend one sect of Muslims against another should be impeached on the spot. I say if Allah is as great and powerful as these bottom-feeders insist, let Allah protect them, and let us stay the hell out of his way.

Obama announced that he will be petitioning Congress to spend over $100 million next year to study the inner workings of the human brain. Compared to most of his brainstorms, this one’s not completely insane. Besides, the price is only twice as much as the IRS has recently squandered on conferences and videos, but why on earth does the federal government have to finance it? If it can eventually lead to cures for various physical and psychological disorders, why shouldn’t the pharmaceutical industry pick up the cost? Why is it that our tax dollars are forever burning a hole in Obama’s pocket?

I also can’t figure out why the research should be so expensive. After all, it’s not as if there aren’t plenty of brains lying around available for experiments. In Congress alone, there are hundreds of liberal brains that have never been used.

According to a recent Pew poll, 62% of the respondents believe that the GOP is out of touch with the American people. On the other hand, the majority felt that Republicans have stronger principles than the Democrats, which suggests that if Republicans want to connect with the voters and win future elections, they had better lose their principles.

In Milwaukee, it was decided at one elementary school to have a gender-bender day, with boys dressing up like girls, and girls dressing up as boys. Thanks to their sensible parents, most of the kids didn’t go along with the stupid idea; however, many of the teachers did.

What is wrong with these people? When it’s not transvestism that’s being encouraged in our schools, the tots are being forced to don burkas and pay their respects to the religion that promotes honor killings, clitorectomies, suicide bombings and war on Christianity, Judaism and America.

Be warned, parents: These are the people to whom you’re entrusting your kids for six hours a day.

Chris Matthews, who has managed to channel his inner Porky Pig and turn lisping into an art form, claims that the only reason that conservatives oppose Obama and ObamaCare is because he’s a black man. I wonder if he believes we would dislike Obama twice as much if he weren’t half white. Furthermore, does he believe that we opposed HillaryCare 20 years ago because she was a female?

For one shining moment, it appeared that the NY Times had come to its senses when it headlined an editorial “Obama Has Lost All Credibility.” But it was merely a case of temporary sanity. The Old Gray Senile Lady quickly changed it to “Obama Has Lost All Credibility on This Issue,” the issue being the monitoring of our phone calls. So, apparently, the newspaper is okay with the Benghazi cover-up; the IRS’s targeting conservatives; Operation Fast & Furious; and the VA’s taking up to two years to file the claims of injured veterans, even though, by law, it has to be done within 120 days, and in spite of the Administration’s budget having been increased by 40% over the past three years.

It’s worth noting that the ocean tides did not rise and the earth did not stop spinning in spite of the Sequester. For all of Obama’s dire warnings, otherwise known as lies, the Sequester did not represent an actual cut in spending, but merely a reduction in future increases.

It’s like a 200-pound person going on a diet, but not one that would take him down to 180, but merely up to 219 instead of 220.

Finally, in the hope that I can assuage a few of those concerns that keep some people tossing and turning in the wee hours, I will share some actuarial statistics I recently came across. It seems that the odds of being murdered are 18,000-1. The odds of drowning in a bath tub are 840,000-1, but when it comes to losing an appendage to a chainsaw, the odds drop to 4,484-1. The odds of becoming president are 10,000,000-1, whereas the odds of dating a super model -- and are there any other kind these days? -- are 88,000-1.

All I can say is who would have ever guessed that Obama would beat odds of ten million-to-one, especially when it was twelve times more likely that he would have drowned in a bathtub somewhere along the way?


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

PEARLS OF WISDOM

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

Children, someone once said, are a consolation for everything in life, except having children.

Casey Stengel once observed “There comes time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them.” And which of us hasn’t said the very same thing?

One of my readers, Stanley Helfeld, insists “The problem isn’t that we have a policy of leading from behind, it’s that we have a behind leading us.”

Another of my readers, Ed Rolanty of Toronto, wrote to tell me that he had followed American politics for most of his life, “And had I not witnessed it myself, I would never have believed the U.S. would proceed down the same misguided socialist path their neighbor to the north has been following for decades. From universal (lack of) healthcare to bilingualism to hare-brained immigration policies to ‘modern’ education and most other facets of the liberal agenda, only a fool would look to Canada as a shining example of the efficacy of those policies.”

Apparently the view from Toronto is clearer than it is down here, where only 67% of Americans, according to a recent poll, believe Obama is a liberal. Twenty-four percent regard him as a moderate and a spooky five percent are convinced he’s a conservative.

As I see the Russians, Chinese and Iranians, doing everything they can to prop up al-Assad in Syria, I am reminded of Spain in the 1930s. It’s not just that both countries have five-letter names beginning with an “S.” During Spain’s civil war, which saw Germany and Italy on one side and the Soviet Union on the other, the world got to see a rehearsal for World War II. I’m beginning to believe that Syria is the place where World War III will be kick-started.

In preparation for the big shebang, Muslims are rioting and killing in England, France and Sweden, while these dithering left-wing governments do little more than warn their citizens not to reciprocate. When, I wonder, will the highly vaunted tolerance in the West finally give way to something resembling sanity? These countries threw open their borders to millions of violent superstitious cretins who have no intention of assimilating, preferring sharia law to the laws of the European nations they leech off like parasites, all the while despising their hosts.

The major difference between Nazis and Muslims, by the way, is that the German thugs often had an appreciation of art, beauty and culture. As vile as they were, they wanted to rule the world of the 20th century, not that of the eighth.

In the meantime, Obama continues to demand that Gitmo be shut down, insisting that it’s a recruiting tool for jihadists, while failing to explain why there were numerous Muslim attacks on America and Europe decades before anyone had ever heard of Guantanamo. It’s not Gitmo the barbarians object to, it’s the notion of America imprisoning Muslims.

But speaking of Gitmo, what right do we have we to force-feed the prisoners? It seems to me that starvation would be a win-win for both sides. The prisoners could head off to Paradise and collect their 72 virgins, the military guards would be free to do something besides play nursemaids to terrorists and, yes, we could finally shut the place down. Perhaps we could even turn a profit on the deal by selling the place to Donald Trump so he could build a hotel.

Finally, I understand the benefit of a liberal arts education. In the past, the whole purpose of keeping kids in college majoring in French poetry, Polish history or black, Hispanic or lesbian, studies was to delay their entry into the job market, allowing older factory workers a chance to retire and make room for them.

But now that most factory jobs have disappeared and the economy has been dormant for so many years, I suspect the whole purpose of a liberal arts education has been to prepare young grads for a future spent in their parents’ basement, guzzling beer and texting misspelled inanities to one another.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
16604 Dearborn St.
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Monday, June 24, 2013

THERE'S SOMETHING WORSE THAN LAWYERS

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

I confess that’s a somewhat misleading title because there are lots of things worse than lawyers. But, in addition to cold sores, computer breakdowns and a flare-up of my rheumatoid arthritis, they tend to be actual criminals.

The folks I have in mind are the academics, those escapees from college campuses who tend to congregate around Barack Obama. It’s almost as if Obama has made a pledge, vowing never to allow a person who has been actively engaged in, say, commerce into his inner circle.

It’s not that academic types are terrible people, it’s that they have little or no life experience that enables them to base their opinions on anything other than theory. And the trouble with theories is that they are unproven.

The result of Obama’s latest campus trolling is Samantha Power, who taught at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, and is now the person he has selected to replace serial liar Susan Rice as our ambassador to the U.N.

While her champions like to point out that Ms. Power served on Obama’s high-sounding Atrocity Prevention Board as its first director, it’s an inconvenient truth that the Board remained strangely silent while thousands of civilians were slaughtered in Syria and the Sudanese government massacred countless Nuba tribal members in South Sudan.

What Ms. Power’s fans are reluctant to mention is that she recommended that the U.S. should invade Israel militarily in order to bring about a settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and protect a new state of Palestine.

To be fair, in 2008, Powers did call Hillary Clinton a monster. So she’s not all bad.

Still, as a matter of policy, I would prevent anyone who has ever been a member of a college faculty from holding a position in government. I would also exclude anyone who has ever attended an Ivy League school. Nothing good, after all, can ever come of feeding the egos of the terminally egotistical. It’s not ivory towers we need to worry about so much as ivy-covered towers.

When I attended UCLA, I had a classmate who went on to get his graduate degree at Brown and then wound up at the University of Michigan, where he spent the next several decades teaching and writing the sort of fatuous poetry filled with references to old Greek deities. Starting at the age of six, he was rarely far removed from one school or another, except for vacations, until it came time to retire. As a result, he thought and spoke exactly as he had as a pretentious, but empty-headed, teenager. Perhaps if you’re teaching poetry to undergrads, none of that really matters. It does, however, when it comes to having a say in determining national policy.

Speaking of which, until Federal Judge Michael Baylson over-ruled her, Secretary of Health and Human Resources Kathleen Sebelius was going to deprive 10-year-old Sarah Murnaghan of her shot at ever making it to 11. The only good thing to be said for Sebelius is that she gave us a pretty clear picture of what life under ObamaCare will be like.

When mushy-headed people insist that crime and violence have everything to do with poverty, nothing to do with race, you have to wonder how they explain that blacks committed 80% of the shootings in New York City last year, with 18% committed by Hispanics. Are there no poor white people in New York? Isn’t it just possible that violence has more to do with illegitimacy rates; an absence of discipline in homes without a father’s presence; and a lack of not only education, but religious values, than with money?

I have a lot more questions awaiting answers. For instance, inasmuch as the IRS started targeting conservative groups in 2011, I have to suspect those groups complained to their Republican senators and congressmen. So why is it that until recently the rest of us never heard about those dirty tricks? Why weren’t Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, John McCain, and all those other folks who have bully pulpits and love to hear the sound of their own voices, screaming their heads off about it?

Next, does Bill O’Reilly have to pay the going rate for commercial time on Fox to endlessly peddle his books, caps and coffee mugs? If not, why not?

Finally, why is it that liberals are never called fascists in public? After all, Harry Belafonte told Al Sharpton over at MSNBC that Obama should throw all of his political opponents in jail. He went on to describe Republicans as “an infestation,” a mighty big word for the “Banana Boat” man.

Bette Midler, upon learning that the Internal Revenue Service had targeted conservative groups, announced “I love the IRS,” four words that had never before been uttered in the course of human history.

Writer-director Nicholas Meyer, who prides himself on being a free speech advocate, declared that he was absolutely delighted that conservatives were now being blacklisted in Hollywood. I guess that would be Constitutional Amendment 1A, the one guaranteeing free speech for Nick Meyer.

Speaking of blacklists, when it was discovered that the director of the California Musical Theater, Scott Eckern, opposed same-sex marriage, Marc Shaiman, composer of “Hairspray,” and Jeffrey Seller, producer of “Avenue Q,” demanded he be fired. He was.

One can’t help reflecting that it was so much easier in the old days when you could recognize the bad guys by their black boots and Nazi armbands.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
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Friday, June 21, 2013

THE UNTOUCHABLES

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky


Once I thought of referring to Obama’s appointees as the untouchables, I decided to check out Eliot Ness, who led the small squad of honest cops engaged in waging war on Al Capone. Although I had been a big fan of the original TV series and an even bigger fan of the movie, I really knew very little about Mr. Ness.

It seems Ness and his guys had a lot to do with shutting down Capone’s breweries, but very little with finally bringing “Scarface” down for tax evasion. But nobody ever suggested he was anything but a tough, honest, straight-arrow cop. Unfortunately, unlike the character portrayed by Robert Stack and, later, Kevin Costner, his life didn’t end with Capone’s heading off to federal prison.

In Ness’s post-FBI life, he was married three times, divorced twice, and went from one job to another. He was an electronic parts salesman, a clerk in a book store, sold frozen hamburger patties to restaurants and once even tried to get himself elected mayor of Cleveland, losing to Thomas Burke by a 2-1 margin. But, mainly he spent his time in bars, boozing and telling cock-and-bull stories to his fellow barflies.

So, at the end of the movie, when the young reporter asks Ness what he plans to do once Prohibition ends, and Ness says, “Have a drink,” he wasn’t kidding. Not too surprisingly, he died at the age of 54.

The new untouchables, who are led by Obama, include the likes of Eric Holder, Jay Carney and Kathleen Sebelius. Unlike Ness’s guys, these folks are untouchable because of executive privilege. Only Obama can rid us of them, but he appreciates their boundless devotion to him.

If the nation doesn’t share his opinion, that’s just tough. They had their chance last November, and they blew it.

Eric Holder came into office announcing that whites are afraid to speak honestly about race, portraying white people as bigots when it is he who has displayed his blatant racism by refusing to indict the Black Panthers for voter intimidation and by informing his agents that during his tenure the Department of Justice will only prosecute whites for hate crimes.

Jay Carney, I keep being told, is merely doing what a press secretary is expected to do; namely, put a good face on everything Obama does and says. In other words, the job description is to lie on a daily basis. Some press secretaries do it better (Tony Snow), while some, like Carney and Robert Gibbs, do it worse.

The problem, as I see it, is that the job should not exist in the first place. No president should have at his disposal a person who functions the same way as a criminal defense attorney. I say the president, no matter what his party affiliation may be, should take 30 minutes out of his day to face the White House press corps and answer questions. If he has time to play basketball and golf, hold galas for show biz celebrities, congratulate gay athletes for outing themselves and fly off every other day for a fund raiser, he has the time to answer questions, thus freeing Jay Carney to find honest work while he still has some slight chance of saving his soul.

Speaking of Carney and all those other people whose job is to lie on behalf of Obama, the State Department, the IRS and the CIA, it’s time we all quit pussyfooting around and stop calling them spokesmen. Lying is what they do, liars is what they are.

While we’re at it, let’s call able-bodied people collecting disability checks and well-to-do seniors collecting food stamps, welfare cheats.

Furthermore, let us be honest enough to call a freak a freak. After all, unless you believe that prisoners are entitled to have gender-altering surgery on the taxpayer’s dime or that employers shouldn’t be allowed to deny employment to transvestites or to those who choose to adorn themselves with metal hoops, studs and spikes in their noses, cheeks and tongues, they’ll label you a bigot or worse.

As for Kathleen Sebelius, who, when last heard from, was denying a 10-year-old dying child the right to be on a list for those requiring a donated organ, she is tailor-made for this administration. Who better to be the Secretary of Health and Human Resources than a woman who looks like the twin sister of Snow White’s stepmother? When she’s not denying a little girl the right to receive a lung that might save her life, Sebelius no doubt spends her spare time cackling madly and poisoning apples.

What this country needs is a sober Eliot Ness, eager to clean up the corruption in Washington. What it has, unfortunately, is Barack Obama, a Marxist airhead who is so infatuated with himself that in high school, I’m willing to bet, he invited himself to the prom.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

When Jack Finney's book, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” was made into a movie in 1956, a lot of people insisted that it was an attack on McCarthyism. I don’t know. I was a fan of the late Mr. Finney’s novels, but I know nothing about his politics. To my mind, the pods were Communists.

To me, the book and the movie both foreshadowed the way that leftists move from place to place, tainting the political landscape as they go. For instance, Californians moved north and, as a result, today Oregon and Washington are as far to the left politically as they are geographically. In the East, Manhattanites migrated, and as a result New England might as well call itself Upper New York.

In other parts of the country, the demographics are being drastically altered by illegal aliens. These days, the pods are off the trucks and they’re everywhere. Unfortunately, they don’t all have the distinguishing little X on the back of their necks, but you can easily recognize them by the silly things they say and do.

For instance, Juan Williams is not only convinced that Eric Holder has done nothing wrong, but, on the off-chance that he may have inadvertently done something untoward, believes that Eric Holder is the very best person to investigate Eric Holder. And for those kinds of observations, Fox News is paying him millions of dollars. One has to suspect that Williams has photos of Roger Ailes playing footsies with a sheep named Mildred.

Speaking of photos, we have now seen so many of Barack Obama and Chris Christie strolling along hand-in-hand, looking like an eHarmony commercial, that I keep expecting Michelle to file divorce papers, naming Christie as the other whale.

During one of their recent dates, Chris and Barack visited some sort of fair. It seems that Barack tried to win Chris a stuffed bear by tossing a football through a hoop. He gave up after five tries. At which point, Chris proved to New Jersey voters that he has what it takes to be governor by successfully tossing one through a hole as big as himself.

What I’m trying to figure out is why Obama doesn’t conceal his athletic ineptitude the way he does his college application, his grades and the role that Valerie Jarrett, aka Cruella De Vil, plays in his administration. I mean, this is a narcissist and egotist of record proportion, and yet he’s let us see how badly he shoots basketballs, tosses footballs and throws baseballs. He has even admitted that he bowls in the 30s. I can only assume that it’s his way of trying to tie up that enormous bloc of voters who have secretly resented jocks ever since they failed to get a date to their high school prom.

Some pods even manage to become judges. Down in Florida, Judge Debra Nelson has ruled that George Zimmerman’s attorney won’t be allowed to mention that Trayvon Martin had a record of violence, drug use and school suspensions. Somehow, I would think all of those things would be relevant in a case where the defendant claims he was fighting for his life, and where the media has insisted on using Martin’s baby pictures in their coverage of the case.

One of the most annoying things about having to share the planet with liberals is that they are so willing to lie, cheat and even make fools of themselves in pursuit of their agenda. I first became aware of this inclination several years ago when I was reading a book review in the New Yorker. Although the book in question had nothing to do with politics, I suddenly came across a paragraph in which the reviewer let us know that George W. Bush was a numbskull. It was so clumsy and so inappropriate that I actually thought it was one of those typographical glitches that sometimes take place when a section from one article somehow winds up in another.

But when I pointed it out to my wife, she said that even women’s magazines were insulting Bush in the course of articles allegedly devoted to fashion, architecture and entertainment.

I finally had my fill of this crap and wrote the following letter to novelist Paul Auster: “A few years ago, Woody Allen produced a pretty good movie titled ‘Midnight in Paris.’ It could have been even better if he had been able to resist sticking some unfunny, out-of-character, lines in the mouth of his hero, an apolitical fellow portrayed by Owen Wilson who, a couple of times, apropos of absolutely nothing happening on screen, insults conservatives.

“I just finished reading your novel ‘The Brooklyn Follies,’ and had a similar reaction. Your Nathan Glass is a wise and tolerant man who has good things to say about all kinds of people, and remains tolerant of all sorts of human failings throughout the novel…except when it comes to conservatives.

“Mr. Glass, so far as we can tell, doesn’t even vote. He certainly doesn’t do anything to help his beloved Democrats get elected. He doesn’t even stuff envelopes or make phone calls, but he’s quite willing to dismiss all conservatives as racists and fascists, and to hold George Bush in the sort of contempt most normal people reserve for the likes of Hitler, Stalin and Mao.

“You are entitled to hold whatever cockeyed beliefs you like, but you can’t tar half of your fellow Americans as scumbags and not, in turn, deserve to be labeled a narrow-minded bigot. And what’s more, you can’t put those beliefs in the mind and the mouth of your protagonist and not be written off as a hack.

Sincerely, Burt Prelutsky”

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
16604 Dearborn St.
North Hills, CA 91343-3604

You can now use PayPal to pay for my books or make a donation to BurtPrelutsky.com.

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Monday, June 17, 2013

DELVING INTO FOREIGN AFFAIRS

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

With so many disasters befalling us domestically, it’s easy to take our eye off all the bloody nonsense taking place outside our borders. And of course let it be understood that when I speak of borders, I’m referring to a concept, nothing more than a notion, and not to anything that actually exists in the real world.

For instance, a Nazi flag has been seen flying over a mosque near the Palestinian village of Beit Omar, on the outskirts of Hebron. But that won’t stop the Jew-haters, both those inside and outside of the rat-infested U.N., from siding with the barbaric Arabs and Muslims against Israel.

That reminds me that the next president who sends the U.S. military anywhere in the world to defend one Islamic sect from another should be impeached on the spot. I am revolted by the number of young Americans who have bled and died in order to protect Muslims. I say if Allah is as great and powerful as these ignoramuses keep insisting, let Allah protect them.

I know that wimps and weasels will say we shouldn’t tar all Muslims with the same brush, arguing for tolerance and multiculturalism. To which, with all respect, I say, phooey. What exactly is it these lunkheads think is being preached in their mosques? The brotherhood of man? The equality of women? A live-and-let-live attitude towards Christians and Jews? To get a proper feel for their level of tolerance and good will, you need only check out the havoc the Ayatollah Khomeini and the mullahs have wreaked in Iran. They’re not exactly the sort of clerics you’d invite over for Sunday dinner. Give these people their head and they’ll chop off yours.

Here in the States, we have race hustlers like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan and Jeremiah Wright, all passing themselves off as clergymen. But at least they’re in the minority. And while they should be despised for promoting and justifying victimhood and racial hatred, at least they are not encouraging people like Nidal Hasan and the Tsarnaev brothers to maim and murder innocent Americans.

While on the subject of foreign vermin, why on earth do Americans continue to venture into Mexico? First, there was the ex-Marine who was tossed in one of those cesspools they try to pass off as a jail, and now we have Yanira Maldonado, the 42-year-old mother of seven, being railroaded on a trumped-up drug smuggling charge. I realize she was down there in order to attend a funeral, but I would have advised her, as I advise every other law-abiding American, to just send flowers.

Obama keeps insisting we need to spend more money on our infrastructure. In the meanwhile, the Gang of Eight insists we have to provide illegal aliens with a pathway to citizenship. It’s my contention that they already have citizenship. It just happens to be Mexican.

If they want to get me on board, I suggest they finally get cracking on building that 1,500 mile long fence. That’s the sort of infrastructure we really need, and it’s what the Democrats promised Reagan we would get if he signed the amnesty bill. Well, it’s been 27 years. I figure if anyone, including Marco Rubio, needs to wait another two or three years for us to get that fence built before we start talking about pathways, so be it.

My own suggestion is that we build it with the 350 million tax dollars we annually contribute to Mexico’s economy for no apparent reason.

China wages cyber war on U.S. businesses and our military, costing us $300 billion a year and two million jobs. They are thus guilty of both copyright theft and espionage, and, as always, Obama talks tough and does absolutely nothing to back up his words. So perhaps all the conspiracy theorists are wrong. Maybe he’s not a Muslim, after all. It could be he’s Chinese.

Finally, speaking of he who should be impeached, he recently said, referring to the war on terror: “This war, like all wars, must end.” While it would be nice to be hearing these words coming from jihadists waving a large white flag, coming from the President of the United States it’s just chilling.

Still, one can’t fault Obama when it comes to comedy. I mean, how many guys in his position could say with a straight face that we should cease drone strikes on American citizens; prevent the IRS from targeting conservatives; and shield reporters from government snooping; as if he’s just another schnook on the street, someone like me, who’s merely offering an opinion and has no real say in any of these matters?

Alas, if only we didn’t have to wait another three and a half years for that to finally be the case.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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Friday, June 14, 2013

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY & OTHER MATTERS

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

Money has no morality, but that doesn’t mean it should be dispensed by those who share that failing. That is particularly the case when it’s the people’s money, our tax dollars, which are being dispensed.

For instance, since going on a murderous rampage at Fort Hood, Muslim jihadist Major Nidal Hasan has collected $278,000 in salary from the Army. Meanwhile, because his crime was designated “workplace violence,” his surviving victims have been denied various benefits, including Purple Hearts, which would have increased their disability pensions.

More recently, Lois Lerner, the IRS bureaucrat who took the 5th during her congressional hearing, although she insisted she did nothing wrong and told no lies, was placed on administrative leave, a euphemism for a paid vacation.

But compared to what we dole out to other nations, most of whom openly despise us, that’s chump change. We give $316 million annually to Mexico. Ostensibly, it’s to help them wage war on drugs. And we can all see how well that’s going. If it were up to me, I’d make them build a wall on their northern border before giving them another peso.

As for the latest attempt at what congressional schnooks like to call comprehensive immigration reform, why should we want to create a pathway to citizenship for what they insist are 11 million illegal aliens, and what I’m betting is at least twice that many? They snuck in. If someone sneaks into your house, does he get to stay there just because he’s managed to hide out in your cellar or your attic?

I realize that a certain segment of the population known as nitwits will accuse me of being a racist. But first they have to explain how it is racist to resent the Mexicanization of America, but not racist to promote such a policy at the expense of those patiently waiting their turn in Europe, Asia and Africa.

In somewhat related news, in Patterson, New Jersey, the Palestinian flag was raised over city hall after Mayor Jeffery Jones proclaimed May 19th as Palestinian American Day. I’m waiting for Gov. Christie to weigh in on this, but I’m not prepared to wait too long.

Along similar lines, I’m wondering what right we have to force-feed the jihadists at Gitmo. If they wish to starve themselves, how is it our business to interfere? For all I know, it could be an integral part of their glorious religion, along with suicide-bombs, honor killings and clitorectomies.

I would also be interested in discovering why we, who are about 17 trillion dollars in debt, insist on coming up with $531 million for Tanzania; $580 million for Ethiopia; $625 million for both Nigeria and Kenya; $676 million for Jordan; $1.5 billion for Egypt; $1.7 billion for Iraq; $2.1 billion for Pakistan; and $2.3 billion for Afghanistan.

I’d also like to know just exactly when did we adopt Africa and the Middle East. Where was I when the announcement went out? If only I’d known, I’d have sent a card and a couple of baby blankets.

The nation that receives the most money from us is Israel. But at least that’s three billion dollars going to an ally, a democracy with whom we share values, traditions and, perhaps most important of all, sworn enemies.

Assuming my ears weren’t playing tricks on me, Obama recently declared that, for all intents and purposes, the war on terrorism was over. Inasmuch as jihadists were still killing people in London, Boston, Iraq and Afghanistan, the last time I looked, I guess he was acknowledging that, under his leadership, they won and we lost. For a minute or so, I was really depressed. But then I realized the schmuck never tells the truth, and I was greatly relieved.

While on the subject of money, I would like to know why there should be corporate taxes. It’s not just that ours happen to be the highest in the world, which explains why major entities like Apple and G.E. don’t bring their foreign profits back to the U.S. to be used for expansion and dividends; it’s that corporate taxes serve as a tremendous drag on an economy that’s lacked traction for years now.

It’s one thing to tax the earnings of corporate executives and their employees and shareholders, but what purpose is served through taxing a corporation as if it were an individual?

Another tax that should be eliminated is the death or, for those who have a superstitious reluctance to say that word, estate tax. The money that is left by the deceased has already been taxed when he earned it and again when he got a return on his investments. For the tax collector to swoop in like a vulture just because the person has died smacks of grave robbing.

Finally, under the heading of it’s not what you know, but who you’re related to that counts in Washington: ABC reporter Claire Shipman is married to Press Secretary Jay Carney; CNN President Virginia Mosely is married to Hillary Clinton’s former Deputy Secretary Tom Nides; CBS President David Rhodes is the brother of Ben Rhodes, a top Obama advisor and the fellow who helped edit the Benghazi talking points; and ABC President Ben Sherwood is the brother of Obama’s special advisor Elizabeth Sherwood-Randall.

I swear there’s more inbreeding among these left-wing elitists than you’ll find in the backwoods of Tennessee. It’s a wonder their kids don’t all have 12 toes and suffer from hemophilia.



©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

BATTLING PYGMIES

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

Sometimes, I must confess, I almost feel like a bully when I ridicule so-called progressives. The old expression “Like shooting fish in a barrel” comes to mind. But, then, I merely have to remind myself that these fish happen to control the White House, the Senate, the Department of Justice and the IRS, and I don’t feel so bad.

Besides, how can one not ridicule Obama when he insists that federally-funded pre-school programs will lead to good-paying jobs down the line? Oh, really? As pre-school teachers, perhaps? In the meantime, as an inevitable consequence of this brainstorm, all privately-owned pre-schools will be put out of business.

He also promotes a 94-cent tax on a pack of cigarettes. What a boon that is for all those poor people he claims to be so concerned about. Almost as great as $4.20-a-gallon gas here in California.

Obama is so far out of step in his efforts to model our economy on that of Greece and the other socialist welfare states in Europe that even China has noticed the error of his ways. In a major policy shift, its new prime minister, Li Keqiang, is seeking to have private businesses and market forces play a larger role in shaping its economy. It’s his hope that the change will unleash the creative energies of the nation.

I keep praying that the Koch brothers will succeed in their efforts to buy up several major newspapers, including our local rag. Every time I pick it up, I recall that Mark Twain once observed that if you don’t read a newspaper, you’ll be uninformed, whereas if you do, you’ll be misinformed. Out here, it’s not lies, damn lies and statistics, but lies, damn lies and the L.A. Times.

In case you missed it, when Susan Muranishi retires in a couple of years, she will be collecting $423,664-a-year for life. If you’ve never heard of her, don’t berate yourself. She’s nobody famous and she didn’t just win grand prize in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse drawing. She’s merely an Alameda County administrator. Is it any wonder California is going bankrupt?

Speaking of wealthy women, I just discovered that the wealthiest woman in show business is not Oprah Winfrey. Instead, it’s Julia-Louis Dreyfus. It’s nothing personal, but I regard this as further proof that life isn’t fair. Here’s a woman who regards the million dollars-an-episode she wound up making on “Seinfeld” as chump change. It seems her grandfather was a French billionaire.

At the risk of sounding like a leftist, I say it should be one or the other. In a just world, some impoverished actress would have gotten the role of Elaine Benes.

For some mysterious reason, I keep getting email from the DNC inviting me to contribute to the party of fools, liars and cheats. Most recently, I was urged to pitch in as little as $3 for the opportunity to be entered in a drawing. The grand prize was the opportunity to meet Michelle Obama and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, whom some wag has tagged Fauxcohantas, at some event in Boston. Frankly, I would rather spend an hour with the two Evas, Braun and Peron.

Finally, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I have been giving some thought to how Obama can best extricate himself from the quicksand in which he now finds himself being engulfed. Benghazi was bad enough, but now he finds himself hip-deep in the scandals involving the IRS and spying on journalists.

He should take a leaf from Bill Clinton’s playbook. When Willie the Hound Dog found himself in trouble because he had perjured himself before a grand jury, he pretended it was really about Monica Lewinsky and sex. The media, which as usual, is only too happy to carry water for liberals, took its cue and put the spotlight on Ken Starr, portraying him as a prude who could be easily confused with Cotton Mather.

So my suggestion to Obama is that he let himself be caught having carnal relations with a male intern. For one thing, it would animate his base of gays and those simpletons who regard homosexuality as not merely an alternate life style, but as a superior one.

For another, it would confirm the suspicions of those on the Right who have seen him try to throw a baseball.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
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Monday, June 10, 2013

IMPLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY

I'm sure that some of you feel guilty about reading three or four of my articles every week for free. Absolution is available by sending a donation to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604. PayPal also works. Also, please check out the information on my radio show in the box in the upper left.

by Burt Prelutsky

Generally, when it comes to White House scandals such as Watergate and Iran-Contra, the relevant questions are what the president knew and when he knew it. However, when it comes to Obama and Benghazi; the monitoring of the AP reporters; the targeting of Fox’s James Rosen; and the IRS’s intimidation of conservative groups; the questions appear to be what did Obama not know and when did he not know it?

Again, most presidents want to at least appear to be on top of things; Obama wants us to believe he’s merely a bystander just waiting for Jay Carney, dressed up as a cop, to come along and say, “Let’s just move along. Nothing to see here.”

Whenever an administration is caught, as it were, with its hand in the cookie jar, the chief executive wants to have plausible deniability. That’s why he doesn’t make it a habit to write a memo that reads: “Dear IRS: I’m in the middle of a re-election campaign. Please do everything in your power to shut down the ability of conservative groups to raise money…at least until November 7th. Much appreciated. Regards from Michelle and the kids. See you at the Easter egg hunt. Sincerely, President Barack H. Obama.”

Instead, what these guys do is have a trusted lieutenant like Valerie Jarrett or David Axelrod let it be known in the appropriate circles that the boss would like to see certain things take place, and then, with the cooperation of stooges like Attorney General Eric Holder or IRS attack dogs Doug Shulman and Lois Lerner, those things just miraculously happen. And not even the FBI can find an Obama fingerprint anywhere, not that they’re likely to look too hard.

When I finally got a peek at some of those emails regarding Benghazi released by the White House, so much was redacted -- a $10 word meaning blacked out -- that I was reminded of those 18 minutes of tape recording that went missing during the Watergate investigation. It does seem as though all those comparisons of Obama to Lincoln and FDR were a bit wide of the mark. Clearly, it was Richard Nixon who was this schmuck’s role model.

Speaking of schmucks, a Fox poll asked people which of the recent scandals concerned them the most. IRS topped the list with 32%; followed by Benghazi with 27%; the monitoring of AP reporters scored 21%; and 10% went for none of the above, claiming that all of them were of grave concern. I might have preferred to see a higher score for Benghazi, which saw four Americans slaughtered and an eight-month full court cover-up by Obama, Clinton and Carney, but that’s an honest difference of opinion. However, the truly shocking number was 8%. That represented the percentage of Americans who were not the least bit concerned about any of these matters. And I will remind you that these ignoramuses are allowed, even encouraged, to go out and vote every Election Day.

Chris Matthews, who says almost as many stupid things as Joe Biden, and for added comedy effect says them with a lisp, recently labeled Obama “The Perfect American.” Apparently he based his conclusion in large part on his belief that Obama has never broken a law, which strikes me personally as a very low standard for perfection. But in addition, Matthews has apparently chosen to ignore the fact that Obama boasted in his autobiography that he regularly used illegal drugs as a young man.

In the meantime, we know Obama lied about what happened in Benghazi for no other reason than to be able to campaign as the super hero who killed bin Laden with his bare hands and went on to personally decimate Al Qaeda. One can only conclude that Matthews is as easy a grader as Obama, who, as I recall, gave himself a B+ near the end of his first term.

Back in the 1940s, President Harry Truman had a little sign on his desk in the Oval Office that stated: The Buck Stops Here.

If Barack Obama had a sign on his desk, it would read: The Buck Stops Here… Just Long Enough to Catch Its Breath.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
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Friday, June 7, 2013

BP BONUS: SANITY TAKES A HOLIDAY - TRANSLATING OBAMASPEAK

Just a friendly reminder that you pay nothing for the dozen articles you receive every month. In order to absolve your guilt pangs, feel free to send donations to Burt Prelutsky at 16604 Dearborn St., North Hills, CA 91343-3604, or via PayPal. You'll be automatically entered in the monthly book drawing. And remember to tune in on my webcast every Wednesday at 1 p.m. (PST), on channel 1.   Click here to listen live or on demand 24/7 from Channel 1 LaTalkRadio.com. You can also download to your iPhone or Android apps. The call-in number is (323)203-0815. I'd like to hear your questions and comments, pro or con. Especially pro.

by Burt Prelutsky




We have all come to expect split-decisions from the Supreme Court, but we don’t expect the four on the losing side to consist of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and…Antonin Scalia! But there he was lurking with the three left-wing harpies when it came to the recent decision involving DNA.

In case you missed it, Alonzo Jay King had been arrested for assault. As part of the booking process, the cops took a swab of his cheek. The DNA test resulted in his being connected to a rape in Maryland for which he was subsequently tried and found guilty.

According to Scalia and the ACLU, the police had no right to swab his cheek because it invaded his right to privacy. That is exactly the sort of muddleheaded thinking that we have come to expect from liberals. Fortunately, the majority of the justices quite rightly decided that taking the smear was no more invasive than taking his fingerprints.

I can’t imagine what Justice Scalia has been smoking, but I have heard that he and Mrs. Ginsburg are extremely friendly, so one might leap to the assumption that the old gal has used her female wiles to cloud his judgment. One will have to wait and see if his derangement is temporary or terminal.

Speaking of females, if abortion is a women’s health issue, as Obama and his chums over at Planned Parenthood keep insisting, why isn’t carrying a concealed weapon a public health issue? After all, abortion leads to the taking of innocent lives, whereas a weapon in the right hands leads to the defense of innocent lives.

What liberals seem unable to grasp is that making schools, churches, movie theaters and malls, gun-free zones guarantees that only criminals and lunatics will be armed in those venues.

Another bit of liberal malarkey has it that blacks are always in need of federal assistance because of slavery. What they choose to ignore is that slavery ended 150 years ago, and that 50 years have elapsed since the enactment of the Civil Rights Act. How is it that Jews, Italians, the Irish and Chinese, all came to America, most speaking a foreign language, and faced discrimination when it came to housing, education and employment, but managed to overcome bigotry and succeed within a generation? And, more recently, how is it that Americans of Japanese ancestry were tossed into concentration camps during WWII, but quickly recovered from the insult and injury of losing not only their freedom, but their homes, farms and businesses?

While on the subject of minorities, I have never understood why Native Americans, as they apparently choose to be called, objected to having college and professional sports teams named the Indians, the Braves and the Chiefs. Considering the life style so many have chosen for themselves by remaining wards of the state on reservations, would they really prefer to have the teams called the Sots, the Idlers and the Ne’er-do-wells?

Speaking of sots, idlers and ne’er-do-wells, it seems that the IRS spent $50 million on conferences during the past few years, the costs including $1,500-a-night hotel rooms and $60,000 videos parodying “Star Trek” and “Gilligan’s Island,” and still had enough left over for $92 million in employee bonuses between 2009 and 2013.

As proof that the White House had nothing to do with the IRS kerfuffle, Obama henchman David Axelrod claimed it was simply too stupid a scandal to be laid at the feet of Obama or any of his advisors. Oh, really? After recalling such brainstorms as Cash for Clunkers, the Unaffordable Health Care Act and Solyandra, I at least had to acknowledge that Axelrod delivers much funnier one-liners than Jon Stewart, David Letterman or Bill Maher.

What even Axelrod didn’t try to laugh away was the fact that although Hillary Clinton had only visited the White House 43 times in four years and Leon Panetta, 20 times, IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman had been in and out 157 times. When you realize that, between fund-raisers, vacations and golf outings, Obama only visited 78 times, you have to wonder if Shulman and Michelle have been carrying on an affair.

In case you ever doubted that college campuses are every bit as left-wing as MSNBC, a survey showed that only four Republicans were invited to be commencement speakers at the top 100 universities.

And while the likes of Charles Krauthammer, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Clarence Thomas, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Rush Limbaugh, Thomas Sowell, Bernie Goldberg, Kelly Ayotte, Dennis Prager, Hugh Hewitt, Michael Medved, Ann Coulter and Steve Hayes, were probably relieved that they didn’t have to shlep out to some college, don a silly robe and stand in the sun, delivering one of those boring speeches sprinkled with words like “future,” “dedication,” “youth,” “hope” and “dreams,” I’m sure they would have appreciated being asked.

Speaking of being asked, apparently the price extracted by Bill Clinton in return for his lauding Barack Obama, whom he apparently despises, at the Democratic National Convention last year was that Obama would return the favor by endorsing Hillary in 2016. But the way that Obama’s popularity is plummeting in the wake of all these scandals, Clinton must be kicking himself. And when his foot gets tired, I’m sure Hillary will be only too happy to take over.


TRANSLATING OBAMASPEAK


I have never been good with foreign languages, so it’s little wonder that I have had so much trouble figuring out what Barack Obama is talking about. Still, it didn’t take me too long to realize that “fees” and “revenues” are what the rest of us call taxes.

I’m ashamed to admit that the first time I heard him say, “I can’t comment because there’s an ongoing investigation,” I assumed he couldn’t comment because there was an ongoing investigation. By the second time, it dawned on me that what he was really saying was “There’s no way I’m going to talk about (Operation Fast & Furious) (voter intimidation by the New Black Panthers) (the monitoring of the AP) (the national security leaks to the NY Times that made me look like I knew what I was doing when it came to foreign affairs) (Syria) (Benghazi) (the targeting of conservatives by the IRS) while an ongoing investigation is taking place.”

And if you asked when any of those investigations was likely to be concluded, the honest answer, which you’d never get, is sometime after January 20, 2017.

Does Obama actually think anyone believes him when he says that he had no idea that Internal Revenue was targeting right-wing groups and individuals? In order to swallow that, we would also have to believe he’d have been equally in the dark if the IRS had been targeting liberals for the past two or three years.

He’s not alone when it comes to speaking in code. For instance, when you ask Hillary Clinton why it makes no difference who killed Ambassador Stevens and his three colleagues in Benghazi, the honest answer would be that neither she nor Chelsea was one of the four victims, so it was no big deal.

And when Bill O’Reilly tells guests on The Factor “You’re dodging my question,” it really means they’re not agreeing with his latest pontification.

A reader sent me a question he wished somebody would ask Obama: “Why is it that Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood get free F-16s, but law-abiding Americans can’t be trusted with hunting rifles?” On behalf of Obama, let me assure you that there is an ongoing investigation.

Another reader pointed out that if you cross the North Korean border illegally, you’ll be sentenced to 12 years hard labor. If you sneak across the Afghan border, you’ll be shot. If, on the other hand, you enter the U.S. illegally, you get a job, food stamps, a driver’s license, a place to live, health care and an education. Some would suggest that proves we are better than North Korea and Afghanistan. Others would suggest that what we are is a nation of suckers and screwballs.

On a somewhat related matter, although I love the game of baseball, I despise the World Baseball Classic, which is not to be confused with the World Series. For one thing, the competition begins when the winter baseball season south of the border concludes. Thus, Latin players are ready to go at a time, early March, when our own players are supposed to be getting into shape with their teams at spring training camps.

But worse than that basic unfairness is that players being paid millions to play for the Yankees, Cardinals, Red Sox and Mariners, are expected to play for their native countries. Even those who have resettled with their families in the U.S. are encouraged to compete under a foreign flag against their native-born teammates.

I know I shouldn’t be too surprised. Major League Baseball, an organization so corrupt that it knowingly turned a blind eye to players juiced up on steroids erasing the records of Ruth, Maris and Aaron, just so they could sell a few more tickets, cares about the Game about as much as Obama cares about America.

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager has pointed out that when it comes to religion, there are three self-identified groups: Believers, Agnostics and Atheists, and of the three only the Agnostics are hypocrites. As Prager argues, if a person really can’t decide whether or not God exists, doesn’t it behoove him to attend a church or synagogue every other week? Instead, Agnostics behave exactly like Atheists, who at least have the courage of their convictions.

But I would suggest that Liberals, including the Atheists in their ranks, have their own religion. It’s called Big Government. They don’t question it. Instead, like Muslims, they prostrate themselves to it.

Their faith is so great that it doesn’t even occur to them that at some point, Satan, otherwise known as a Republican, will inevitably gain control of it, and whatever powers have been granted or gobbled up by the executive branch will be in the hands of their archenemies.

But, then, nobody ever said that the followers of Liberalism were smart. Well, at least not with a straight face.


©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Don’t miss a single article: Subscribe to BurtPrelutsky.com by email.

Enjoy Burt’s latest collection of interviews: 67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.

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For more information about these titles, including special combination and multiple copy discounts, visit Burt’s Bookstore.

To order by mail, send your check to:

Burt Prelutsky
16604 Dearborn St.
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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

WHY I CAN'T BE GOD

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by Burt Prelutsky

I have come to the realization that I am not cut out to be God. I mention that because there was actually a time when I thought I could handle the job. I’m not just bragging. I just figured that if I’d been in charge, I would have prevented the Holocaust, I would have given Stalin and Mao heart attacks in their 20s, I would have done away with cancer and Alzheimer’s, I would kept the temperature in the low 70s year round here in the San Fernando Valley and I’d have steered Juan Williams into a different line of work .

But I have come to the conclusion that I lack the prerequisite of patience. I can’t tell you how many times if I had the power, I would have scrubbed the human race and started over from scratch. I’d probably have let dogs and elephants run things. Clearly, leaving people in charge is a big mistake. Especially when you look around the world and you see people like Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, the Castro brothers, Bashar al-Assad, Asif Ali Zardari, Hamid Karzai, Xi Jinping, Mohamed Morsi, Mahmoud Abbas, Robert Mugabe, the mullahs of Iran and Barack Obama, running things.

Some would say that Obama doesn’t belong on a list with all those tyrants, but, fortunately, I don’t have to live with those guys. I don’t have to listen to their self-serving blather day after day. None of them is in a position to leave our Constitution in tatters, our nation in ruins. Therefore, if I could replace any one of them with a sane and decent man, it would be Obama.

Quite often, I find myself wishing that Obama had stayed in Illinois and settled for being the governor. I’m sure he wouldn’t have handled that job any better than he’s handled the presidency, but at least there’s a history of those guys winding up in the poky. In fairly recent history, four of those mugs -- Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich -- went from the governor’s mansion to the penitentiary.

Speaking of Obama, there’s a delicious irony in the fact that the industries that he has championed in word and with our tax dollars -- namely, electric cars and solar panels -- have failed miserably. However, the one he has waged a campaign against -- gun manufacturing -- has flourished to such an extent that in 2011, alone, the sale of guns and ammo resulted in federal excise taxes of $4.59 billion!

If Obama weren’t such a left-wing zealot, he’d have supported the latter enterprise and ignored those silly green companies, and today he might be receiving plaudits instead of having his economic prowess ridiculed.

Speaking of money, Huma Abedin, while serving as an advisor to Mrs. Clinton at the State Department and pulling down $135,000-a-year, was also acting as a well-paid consultant to private firms. I’m not sure what her official duties were at the State Department, but I’m sure that Mrs. Clinton and Ms. Abedin, who’s Mrs. Anthony Weiner in real life, shared many a laugh over the fact that neither of their ludicrous husbands could keep his pants zipped up for more than five minutes at a time.

Did I mention that Kirsten Powers, aka Ms. Smug, used to date Mr. Weiner? Oh , what a tangled web they weave in the cesspool that serves as our nation’s capital.

As if we didn’t already know it, a new study concludes that strong men tend to be conservatives. If you’ve attended movies during the past 50 years, you probably know that John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood, were and are straight shooters off screen, as well as on. Whereas anyone who has ever seen young twerps swooning over the likes of Bruce Springsteen or seen the testosterone-deprived fans lighting candles and swaying at Bono’s concerts could have saved them the price of the study.

In case you missed the news, O.J. Simpson has asked for a new trial, contending his former lawyer, Yale Galanter, had done a lousy job of defending him during his trial for armed robbery.

Well, clearly any schmuck who’s been found guilty is convinced that the problem isn’t that he committed the crime, but that his mouthpiece blew it.

What I want to know is why the legal system allows a felon to have a hearing based, not on new evidence, but merely because he wound up in the cooler. It seems to me that if you hire someone who has gone to law school and passed the bar to defend you, unless you can prove he took a bribe to throw your case, you shouldn’t get a mulligan.

Finally, we’ve all recently witnessed the farce in Washington in which three of the most powerful individuals in the nation -- Barack Obama, Eric Holder and Hillary Clinton -- all insisted that nobody ever gave them the slightest hint what was going on in Benghazi, at the IRS or the offices of the Associated Press.

Frankly, I’d be prepared to accept that they had switched jobs with some janitor named Tyrone, leaving it up to him to make all the tough decisions, except that I don’t really believe the three of them, individually or together, are competent to unclog sinks, wash windows or change light bulbs.

In the meantime, we are stuck with a president so divisive that while his opponents regard him as dangerous, even his defenders find him disengaged. Republicans view him as a menace to America and the world, while a great many Democrats consider him passive and as a man who leads from behind.

For my part, I say God help us. Please.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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