Friday, February 7, 2014

ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN “GATES”!

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by Burt Prelutsky

Is it too much to ask that the media stop adding “gate” to every political scandal? Has everyone forgotten that Watergate was actually the name of the building where Nixon’s plumbers, who clearly channeled their inner Three Stooges, broke in to the DNC headquarters. I mean, if the place had been, say, the Park Sheraton, would every subsequent scandal have had “Sheraton” pinned to it? I suppose I should be grateful that the recent furor over the former Defense Secretary’s expose wasn’t labeled Gatesgate.

Still, I say 40 years is long enough; it’s time for the media to move on because it has become something of a tritegate.

We all know that Obama is a wienie, the sort of kid we all knew in junior high school who received daily wedgies. Still, how is it possible that President Rouhani boasts after signing the abominable peace treaty, ”The west surrendered to the will of Iran,” and our president doesn’t immediately cancel the deal carved out by John Kerry and the other five dwarves?

Iran’s defense minister celebrated the occasion by laying a wreath at the tomb of the jihadist responsible for killing 241 U.S. Marines in 1983, and Obama responds by calling those senators who wish to impose harsher sanctions on Iran if it doesn’t abide by the treaty as “warmongers.”

Even if we forget impeachment for a minute, is there nobody in Washington who can give this schmuck the super wedgie he’s been begging for?

Speaking of Iran, its major news agency claimed that documents leaked by Edward Snowden provide “incontrovertible proof that an alien intelligence agenda is driving America’s domestic and international policy.” To which I say, “Well duh! And, what’s more, we re-elected the alien!”

I confess I thought I was caught in a time warp when, in response to those questioning the wisdom of signing the agreement with a rogue nation that not only allows them to continue its pursuit of a nuclear bomb, but tosses in seven billion dollars to sweeten the pot, Obama said we should “give peace a chance.” Suddenly, I thought I was watching “Back to the Future IV.” I expected he would next suggest we should “Make love, not war.” I thought that sort of swill had died with the 60s, along with such silly fads as bell bottoms, Nehru jackets and beads, and knuckleheads saying “groovy,” “cool” and “Some of my best friends are Kenyans.”

Our State Department keeps sending millions of dollars for reasons I can’t imagine to places like Nigeria. At the same time, I keep hearing from Nigerians offering to send me millions of dollars. It makes no sense. My suggestion is that the feds skip the middle man and send the money directly to me.

Speaking of waste, according to the Inspector General, Medicare spent $175 million between 2006 and 2011 on penis pumps. What’s with you people? Isn’t there anyone in America who still bowls or plays gin rummy?

The current administration spends more and more time talking about the vanishing middle class and less and less time changing its policies in order to deal with the problem. Ever since FDR showed them how it was done, the Democrats have relied on a dependent constituency in order to win elections. They pay lip service to a middle class, but the only members of it they’re concerned about are those enrolled in public sector unions, from whom they receive votes and tithings.

The fact of the matter is that the real middle class doesn’t just have a financial identity. In spite of what liberals will tell you, it’s also a way of life. It consists in part in education and learning a skill – whether the end result is a brain surgeon or a plumber – being law-abiding, forsaking illegal drugs and not having babies until you’re married and can afford to raise them. In addition, members of the middle class tend to be patriotic, not out of chauvinism, but because they sincerely believe in the exceptional nature of the nation founded by the extraordinary likes of Washington, Madison and Jefferson.

Liberals assume you can ignore all those other things, though, and so long as the government provides people with $50,000-a-year, whether it’s through extended unemployment payments, disability checks, food stamps, a home purchased without a down payment or free health insurance, you can magically transform millions of welfare recipients into a stable middle class.

Another thing that Obama and his minions are wrong about is trying to use mass killings as a way to wage war on the Second Amendment. For one thing, when most normal people hear about these tragic events, they don’t say to themselves, “Something has to be done about those damn guns.” Instead, they say, “The shooters were obviously mental cases. Why didn’t any of their relatives, friends, teachers or psychiatrists, get them to an asylum before they blew their corks?”

The next thing they say, assuming they’re not liberals, who also shouldn’t be allowed to run around loose, is, “I wish to God there had been someone in the neighborhood who could have plugged the maniac before his final tally reached double digits.”

Finally, with all the tacky sex scandals that politicians get involved in, you would think that adultery was part of the job description. Therefore, my advice to any woman who’s seriously considering marrying one of these twerps is that she forget about registering at any of those stores specializing in fancy dishware and sterling silver. You can always buy your own dishes, toasters and teapots. Instead, you’d be much better off registering at a local gun shop.

©2013 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

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