Friday, April 4, 2014


When my dog Angel and I take off on her two daily constitutionals, we merely circle the block. Under normal circumstances, it would only take me about 10 minutes. Instead, it usually requires half an hour. That’s because Angel needs to stop and sniff just about every bush, tree, wall and fire hydrant, we pass. It was driving me nuts until I realized that my email is her peemail, and God knows I spend far more time dealing with mine. I suspect in the dog world, it’s regarded as all the news that’s fit to spritz.

Also, having recently debuted my new webcast (Wednesday from 1-1:50 P.M., at, it occurred to me that as much as I hate speaking on the phone, I enjoy speaking into my mic. The difference, I’ve decided, is that I’m prepared to speak to the callers. That’s why I’m sitting there, whereas when my phone rings, it’s interrupting whatever I may be doing with its shrill and incessant demand to be answered. Furthermore, when I’m doing my show, nobody is calling trying to sell me a loan, a renovated kitchen or, worst of all, a politician.

In case you missed it, 13 is now a lucky number. At least if you’re a conservative, it is. At the risk of offending grammarians, it was in Florida’s 13th congressional district that Jolly sank Sink. In spite of Alex Sink outspending David Jolly 4-1 and in spite of Joe Biden and Bill Clinton coming down to campaign for her, Ms. Sink lost because whereas Jolly called for an end to ObamaCare, she hedged her bet and suggested it merely be mended.

On the downside, Jolly defeated Sink by less than 2%, thanks to the Libertarian candidate drawing off nearly 5% of the vote. Who are these loons? They know they have no chance of winning the election, but they prefer risking that Nancy Pelosi will be one vote closer to having a majority in the House just so they can cast a symbolic vote that really only symbolizes their stupidity. They can’t even command spoiler status because nobody actually knows which side they might have supported if they hadn’t foolishly squandered their precious votes.

In the aftermath, the head of the DNC, Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, pretended the election went off as predicted because the district had been represented by a Republican for many years, ignoring the fact that things had changed in the 13th, thanks to so many liberals having moved south from New York. On top of that, Obama had twice carried the district and, what’s more, the Democrats blew a whopping $12 million in a losing cause.

Obama, in his latest awkward attempt to bribe voters to ignore ObamaCare and his various scandals, has used his pen to provide overtime pay for federal employees. At least, it’s not something that will put more money in the pocket of the laziest man who has ever sat in the Oval Office. Unlike millions of Americans who only get to work 29 hours a week because they can’t get fulltime jobs, Obama regards a 29-hour work week as a personal hardship.

The fact is if the Democrats had known how many elections ObamaCare was going to cost them, even Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would have voted against it in 2010.

Proving yet again that when it comes to economics, Obama doesn’t know a debit from his assets, he flew to NYC for a pair of fund-raisers. At the first event, he hauled in $810,000 from schlemiels willing to fork over about $32,000 for a chance to listen to a speech the rest of us would turn off even if it were free. However, the cost of the trip was $1,203,000, once you added up two hours of flying time on Air Force One, and the fees to the city and to New York’s Port Authority. The world waited with bated breath to see if the second event would clear $393,000, which would be the break-even point. That’s assuming the DNC was actually picking up the tab for these partisan events. Otherwise, it would just be business as usual for Obama, redistributing our wealth for his advantage.

Speaking of the bozo-in-chief, when people say that Putin would have invaded Crimea no matter who the president happened to be, they overlook the fact that prior to the 2012 election, Obama told the Russians that he’d have far more flexibility after he was re-elected. But I’m betting that not even Putin realized that he’d be as flexible as Gumby.

Proving that like Gumby, he also has feet of clay, Obama broke America’s promise to supply Poland and the Czech Republic with missile defense systems. In fact, in five years he has never missed a single opportunity to betray an ally and cozy up to a foe. He is the very embodiment of the expression that if you have him for a friend, you don’t need any enemies.

In other news, a bunch of what, in polite circles, are referred to as biological fathers are suing to have a veto over the biological mother when it comes to dealing with the result of their sexual activities. Fortunately for them, they won’t be dealing with Judge Prelutsky. As I see it, if you don’t marry the little lady, you have no paternal rights. Being a sperm provider doesn’t entitle you to have a say in the child’s life . So just shut up and stop sticking your wienie where it doesn’t belong. If you’re dying to have children, get married. If you’re just looking for a hot time, first get a vasectomy.

I have nothing against using drones on individual terrorists, but why don’t we ever use them to blow their training camps to Kingdom Come? And why did we never do anything to prevent the damn Iranians from calling themselves insurgents and streaming willy-nilly into Iraq? After all, surely those satellites of ours must be good for something besides letting me know that tomorrow’s weather here in L.A. will be the same as today’s and yesterday’s.

Finally, when I consider the likes of Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Durbin, Leahy, Schumer, Waters, Waxman, Boxer and Rangel, it occurs to me that a lot of voters seem to judge politicians the way some folks judge cheese: the stinkier, the better.

©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?

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