Wednesday, September 17, 2014

"Divas & Demons"

When it comes to divas, the ones who would generally come to mind are Beyonce, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. But one who is clearly entitled to her rightful place on any list of arrogant, demanding, wildly overpaid female celebrities is none other than Hillary Clinton. It’s true that, unlike the others, she can’t carry a tune in a suitcase. But to be fair she has a talent they lack. She has the ability to crack glass with her unnerving cackle.

It’s bad enough that Mrs. Clinton went on TV and claimed that she and Bill were flat broke when they left the White House in 2001, trolling for sympathy from all us yokels who are struggling to survive Obama’s economic policies. Apparently Hillary’s contempt for everyone who isn’t Hillary is so great that she assumed that none of us were aware that both she and Bill had multi-million dollar book deals just waiting for them to turn off the lights in the White House.

But it now comes out that if you’re goofy enough to write her a check for $300,000 so she’ll deign to show up and give one of her boring lectures, you better keep your checkbook handy. It seems she is every bit as demanding as Michelle Obama on a bad hair day. For starters, you will have to provide a private jet with seating for 16 for the roundtrip to your venue. You will also have to set aside 20 seats at the event for her entourage. Next, you’ll have to provide her with a presidential suite at the hotel of her choice, along with three adjoining rooms for her various stooges. Finally, you’ll have to pony up enough to pay for all their meals and phone calls, along with $1,250 for madam’s stenographer.

In return, she will grant you 90 minutes of her time, the taking of no more than 50 photos with no more than 100 guests, and absolutely no press coverage.

In the meantime, the man she’d like to replace in the Oval Office is behaving even crazier than usual, giving speeches in which he goes from vowing to decimate the terrorists in Iraq to suggesting he would be willing to simply manage them. This is a wimp who couldn’t manage a Pony League baseball team pretending he can manage the barbarians in the Middle East.

Speaking of those barbarians, why is it they can’t settle on a name? First, they were ISIS (the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria). Then, a couple of days later, they were calling themselves ISIL (the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant). The next thing I knew, they were simply IS (the Islamic State.) But the day isn’t over. Nobody’s gone through so many name changes since Elizabeth Taylor wound up with a tombstone engraved Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky.

The way that Obama is dithering around, when even his vice-president, his secretary of defense, Senators Dianne Feinstein and Elizabeth Warren, and the Pope, are calling for decisive military action against the head-hacking butchers, I’m wondering if he thinks that voters this November will be sufficiently distracted by the Middle East – foreign policy being something that generally doesn’t sway many voters – to forget about the economy, the racist policies of Eric Holder and ObamaCare. I’m reminded that George Will recently channeled Lily Tomlin’s bag lady character who was wont to say, “No matter how cynical you are, you just can’t keep up.”

If Obama really sought advice when it comes to foreign affairs, he’d be wise to heed John Slawinski, who sums it up this way: “Whenever there’s trouble in the world, foreign nations and their people should either say, ‘Thank God the Americans are here’ or ‘God help us, the Americans are here.’”

Instead, we’re stuck with a schmuck in the White House who insists that the world is safer than it’s ever been, while acknowledging the world is always a messy place. Dismissing what is going on in Ukraine, North Korea, China, Iran, Syria and Iraq, as “messy” would qualify for a gold medal if the Olympics included a competition for English understatement.

I was recently ruminating about Israel’s bleak future. One needn’t be Nostradamus to see a vicious cycle of being attacked by her neighbors; eventually striking back and being condemned by the world community for doing so; agreeing to a ceasefire; then agreeing to go through the motions of negotiating with people sworn to annihilate you until the talks are inevitably interrupted by the next attack, which eventually will involve Iranian nukes.

I realize that Jews have lived there for thousands of years and that the Bible refers to Israel as the Jewish homeland, but in my head I see God tearing his hair out and hollering, “Can’t anyone take a joke? Why on earth would anyone think I’d expect my Chosen People to live among evil, swinish cultists whose only purpose in life is to kill Jews and -- oh by the way -- settle on the only land for miles around that has no oil under it? Who in his right mind would move into such a neighborhood? Actually, when I was talking about a Promised Land, I had Des Moines in mind.”

©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?