With the next presidential election less than two years away, it’s not too soon to get a few things straight. Although Reince Priebus has already mentioned some worthwhile changes in the way we end up with a nominee, including a shorter campaign season, an earlier convention and a ban on liberals moderating the debates, there are a few more items I would suggest.
First of all, before allowing any of the GOP hopefuls to take the stage, I would insist they sign a contract vowing to actively support the eventual nominee. Next, I would insist they all honor Ronald Reagan’s 11th Commandment, not to speak ill of a fellow Republican. After all, when it comes to insulting politicians, none of them do it as well as I, and they should leave it to the professionals.
For another thing, there is a better way to show that you differ from, say, Rick Santorum or Chris Christie, without calling the first a sanctimonious creep or pointing out that the latter helped Obama win in 2012 by doing everything after Hurricane Sandy but promising to have his baby.
Finally, I would require every potential candidate to drop out of the competition if, after half a dozen primaries, they hadn’t won any. The only thing that results from people like Newt Gingrich hanging around is that it depletes the GOP war chest and it gives Democrats additional time in which to make the eventual nominee as toxic as West Africa.
In other words, it is high time we started taking the process seriously and not simply roll out the welcome mat for every mediocrity who seeks the spotlight the way a moth seeks the flame.
Just when you think how lucky we are to have Canada as a next door neighbor, they go out of their way to drive the point home. I mean, here is a nation led by a brilliant conservative prime minister named Stephen Harper, but you don’t see them rubbing in the fact that they have Harper at the helm and we’re stuck with our own Captain Ahab, who’s obsessed with harpooning America. Instead, lest we feel totally demoralized, Toronto re-elects crack cocaine addict Rob Ford to the city council. It’s as if Canada is saying, “See? We’re not so darn perfect.”
Frankly, I’m amazed that there are still people who doubt that Hillary Clinton will be running in 2016. Normal kids start out thinking they want to be firemen or cowboys, rock stars or famous models, but Hillary has wanted to be President since she took her first baby steps. Her first words, I can assure you were not “mama” or “dada,” but “Me want power.”
A question that recently occurred to me was whether Obama ever played golf before he became president and no longer had to pay the greens fee. We all know that in his pathetic attempt to pass for an American, he smoked a lot of dope and played a great deal of basketball. But when did he take up golf? And is there an amendment to the Constitution I’m unaware of that dictates that everyone who occupies the Oval Office has to spend so many hours a week working on his swing?
Speaking of the twit in the White House, over the years I have often heard people say “Obama” when they meant to say “Osama,” and vice versa. Lately, I keep hearing them confuse “Obama” and “Ebola,” and vice versa. I used to think it was just an embarrassing coincidence, but I’m beginning to think not.
With West Africa so much in the news lately, I’m beginning to think that after exporting Obama, AIDS and Ebola, it might be time to quarantine the whole damn continent.
Just as a sign of good faith, wouldn’t it be nice if once in a while race hustlers like Eric Holder, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, stopped ganging up on white people and, instead, took a moment to say a few honest words about the late Michael Brown? Whatever else may have transpired between him and Officer Darren Wilson, we know the 320-pound thug was high on marijuana and had just shoved around a store clerk while ripping off a box of cigars.
Or if that’s asking for too much, perhaps they could find it in their hearts to chastise the other black hoodlums in Ferguson, MO, who took advantage of a tense situation in order to rob, burn and vandalize? Or perhaps they might take a moment out of their busy lives to admonish the black Muslims who have recently been murdering soldiers and cops in Canada and New York?
While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s Fox show, John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel and world renown climatologist, not only labeled global-warming an enormous hoax, but revealed that Al Gore, who has made a billion dollars off his part in promoting the con, took one science class in college…and received a D. How’s that for an inconvenient truth?
Finally, 17 years after taking up residence under Bill Clinton’s desk, Monica Lewinsky, 41, wants the world to know that her feelings were hurt when, among other things, she was called a whore, a tramp, a slut, a tart, a bimbo, a floozy, a skank and a spy.
Even I can understand why she would have been upset. She definitely wasn’t a spy.
Now Let's Get Things Undone
So far as I’m concerned, the Republicans received a mandate, not to plow ahead with some hastily cobbled programs, but to try to undo what Obama has done over the past half dozen years. I realize that “Can Undo!” doesn’t compare with “Can Do!” as a call to arms, but it’s what’s most needed at this time.
Besides, until 2016, when some Republican or other will teach Hillary Clinton one final political lesson, there isn’t a great deal of legislation that the Republicans could get past Obama’s veto.
There are those who believe that the GOP tsunami will work to Hillary’s advantage because she will be able to base her campaign on opposition to a Republican House and Senate. That will be quite a trick because it would involve siding with Obama, which she has gone to great lengths to avoid doing.
The truth is that Hillary is in an untenable position. On the one hand, she was Obama’s hand maiden for four years and apparently never differed with him on foreign policy; at least not to the extent that led her to resign on principle. Also, she lied about Benghazi, which makes her an accomplice in the cover-up of four American deaths.
On the other hand, if she voices her disagreement with the way Obama has handled things, she risks offending the 40% of the people, which translates to 80% of Democrats, who still think he’s been doing a swell job. She also risks having Obama swing his support to, say, Elizabeth Warren, who happens to be younger, more attractive, a better speaker, and a far more pleasant and intelligent version of Hillary. Warren is equally loony in her politics, but she carries a lot less baggage than Hillary, who, by this time, carries more than a team of redcaps.
At this point, aside from the dyed-in-the-wool Progressives, everyone else in America is convinced Obama is radioactive. That’s why even his most ardent fans in the Senate didn’t want him campaigning on their behalf. The conditions aren’t identical, but in 1974, in the midst of the Watergate scandal, Barry Goldwater paid a visit to the White House and told Richard Nixon that, for the good of the nation and of the Republican Party, it was time for him to vacate the premises.
Far be it from me to give the Democrats advice, but if I were someone like Chuck Schumer or even Harry Reid, I would pay Barack Obama just such a visit. I’m not suggesting that Obama, whose narcissism is as legendary as his arrogance, would agree to pack up, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And for a Democrat, I can’t imagine things could be more desperate than they are at this very minute.
The irony of the recent elections was that they finally fulfilled Obama’s promise in 2008 to be the Great Uniter. Although as he said, he wasn’t on the ballot, his policies were. And they served to unite Americans in a way I had no longer thought possible.
I know that the Democrats have tried to draw comfort from the fact that it was only a midterm election when many people elected to stay home. They were claiming that as a result, a huge portion of their base – the silent two-thirds Obama referred to in his post-election press conference – didn’t turn out. But even that turned out to be another lie. According to the postmortems, the percent of black and female votes was only one percentage point less than the turnout in 2012.
To me, the biggest mystery to come out of the midterms took place in Minnesota, where, in 2008, Al Franken wound up pulling ballots out of his butt in order to become the state’s junior senator. But this time around, he cruised to victory, crushing Mike McFadden by 200,000 votes. I know it gets cold in Minnesota, but did a million people simultaneously suffer a brain-freeze?
What we did see was that once again, those who support third parties, while insisting that the two major parties are identical, exist only to remind us of the thin line that divides sanity from lunacy. If everyone just tried a little harder to find Republicans or Democrats to vote for, we’d all be a lot better off.
Third party supporters like to say they’re sending a message to one party or the other; but it’s generally the GOP. And whether they’re voting for Maness in Louisiana or Sarvis in Virginia, their sole role is as spoiler and, therefore, the only message that’s coming through loud and clear is: “We’re a bunch of dopes.”
In Virginia’s 2013 gubernatorial election, Libertarian Robert Sarvis sucked up 6.52% of the vote, enabling Terry McAuliffe (D) to defeat Ken Cuccinelli (R) 47.76% to 45.23%. This year, he only managed to receive 2.45%, but even that was enough to ensure victory for Democrat Mark Warner, 49.05% over Republican Ed Gillespie 48.50%.
In conclusion, I’ll remind you that Edward Everett Hale (1822-1909), publisher, minister and blood kin to both Nathan Hale and Helen Keller, when asked if he prayed for U.S. Senators, said, “No, I look at U.S. Senators and pray for the country.”
©2014 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.