Monday, February 2, 2015


The source of the title is Yogi Berra, the Hall of Fame Yankee catcher and part time pundit. And never have his words been truer than they were on January 20th, when Barack Obama delivered his penultimate State of the Union address.

Because I feel it’s my duty, I actually watch these snoozearamas every year. But I can’t tell you what a relief it is to realize I only have to sit through one more with Barack Obama at the podium.

To be fair, Obama’s addresses are not a lot worse than anyone else’s. The difference is that all of his are the same. They invariably ignore all the problems created by his policies – especially when it comes to foreign affairs – and invariably call for additional taxes so that Democrats can use the revenue to buy up votes by providing federally-funded bribes to women, students, blacks and illegal aliens.

The truth is that aside from the extra gray in his hair, they could have been re-running any of his earlier addresses and nobody would have been the wiser.

For my part, the only thing that makes the hour the least bit entertaining is watching Joe Biden and the other Democrats performing like real life Jack-in-the-Boxes, providing standing ovations for just about every cliché the man uttered.

As usual, Obama had to pay tribute to his wife and Mrs. Biden so that the ladies in the balcony could receive yet another standing ovation from the peasants below. I missed what they were being cited for, but suspect it was for curing cancer, getting Americans off sugary drinks or staying married to the two palookas for as long as they have.

As is common practice, Obama had a few other people seated in the balcony, so he could bask in their reflected glory. But there was a lot less glory this time around because there were no wounded warriors in attendance. Instead, one of the guests was Alan Gross, a political prisoner recently released by Cuba. His presence was supposed to make Obama’s decision to provide Cuba with open trade, diplomatic recognition, hard currency and the kitchen sink, in exchange for the elderly contractor appear to be Solomon-like.

Another honored guest was a woman named Rebekah Erler. She was there as a representative of typical middleclass womanhood.

In other words, Mrs. Erler was being used as a real life version of Julia, the character the Obama campaign created in 2012 to show how dependent the average woman is on the federal government at every point in her life.

The truth, however, is that Mrs. Erler is also something of an invention. Although Obama would have had you believe that Ms. Erler’s name was picked out of a hat to represent women who succeeded through grit, determination and Obama’s economic policies, it turns out that she was a stooge, a liberal operative who’d worked as a field organizer for the uberliberal Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA).

What’s more, Obama also used her last June when he pretended to be “communicating directly with the people he was working for every day.” The truth, it seems, is that it’s Mrs. Erler who’s been working for him every day.

In explaining his caving in to Cuba’s Castro brothers, Obama said he came up with his plan because after 50 years of failed foreign policy, something new was called for. Using that sort of logic, Reagan would have called off the Cold War in 1981, resulting in the Soviet Union’s maintaining control over 500 million Eastern European slaves.

Still, after six years of failure in combatting Islamic terrorism, Obama continues to pull our troops out of war zones, thus allowing the jihadists in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and Yemen, to gain strength, confidence and turf.

Before Benghazi, Obama announced that al Qaeda had abandoned its mission and taken up soccer as a pastime. He called ISIS the “junior varsity” a few months before they took control over half of Iraq and Syria. He pointed to Yemen as one of his administration’s success stories just weeks before Yemen proved to be the source of the bloody massacres in Paris.

Obama gets England’s Prime Minister David Cameron to lobby members of the Senate, trying to convince them not to declare new sanctions on Iran, but throws a flag when the House invites Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to deliver an address, which the Republicans hope will stiffen the backbone of Senate Democrats and encourage them to vote for the much-needed sanctions.

While Obama is certainly the most prominent left-wing pinhead; he is hardly the only one. For instance, his fellow environmentalists recently flew 1,700 private jets into Davos, Switzerland, for a conference on global warming. It was reminiscent of a similar gathering that took place in Copenhagen in 2009, when the host nation had to import limos and SUVs from neighboring countries because there weren’t enough over-sized vehicles in Denmark to accommodate the horde of wealthy hypocrites.

We have all heard of the terminally self-absorbed who don’t think their shit stinks, but these self-righteous elitists are seemingly convinced that their carbon footprints somehow manage to cool the planet.

When I got word there was a scandal brewing over deflated balls, I assumed the reference was to congressional Republicans before learning it had something to do with the New England Patriots and a football game.

Finally, proving that even outside of politics, the world is filled to the brim with screwballs. I give you someone named Linda, who is psychologically identified as an objectum-sexual. In plain English, that means her orientation leads her to fall in love with inanimate objects.

That explains why she recently tied the knot with Bruce, the name she has given to a 70-foot tall SkyDiver carnival ride.

In case you were wondering, she came clean during an episode of TV’s “My Strange Addiction.” She went on to say that because Bruce has problems of his own, she had spent $90,000 repairing him, and the job isn’t finished yet. I should hope not. No self-respecting woman ever stops trying to change her husband. We’re all works-in-progress.

Then, sounding like an eHarmony commercial, the blushing bride admitted that she enjoys candlelit dinners with Bruce. By the way, no last name was provided in the news story I read, but, assuming it’s a traditional marriage, I suppose she’s Mrs. Linda SkyDiver.

I don’t know if it came as a shock to Bruce, but his wife admitted to having been involved in previous relationships with an airplane and a locomotive.

I can’t speak for the rest of you, but considering some of my own prior relationships, I’m in no position to cast stones.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?