Wednesday, March 25, 2015

"Liberal Knuckleheads " and "Dear Burt...."


When people ask me, as a Jew, to explain why so many Jews are leftists or why so many wealthy Jews, people like George Soros, Steven Spielberg, Barbra Streisand and Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbuck’s, parrot the Left’s hatred of capitalism, all I can do is shake my head and mutter “Imbeciles. Hypocritical imbeciles.”

The sad fact is that I come from a family ripe with these fruitcakes. I had several rich uncles who never got tired of praising the Soviet Union and bad-mouthing America, although not a single one ever sold his house, packed his bags and moved to the Workers’ Paradise. You would have thought that at the very least, they would have gone back for a visit just to see how much Russia, the country of their birth, had improved under the leadership of Stalin and the Communists. But, no, not even that. They preferred, like those other rich lefties -- the Clintons, the Obamas, Michael Moore, George Clooney, Dianne Feinstein, David Letterman, Nancy Pelosi, Tom Steyer -- who fly on private jets and ride around in limos and gigantic SUVs, to tell the rest of us how to live, what to eat and even how long to spend in the shower.

In case you haven’t heard, the aforementioned Howard Schultz is asking the fools who pay three times too much for coffee to strike up a conversation about race with the sales people he insists on calling baristas. As one of my readers has suggested, if he’s so concerned about the plight of poor blacks, he might start by lowering the price for a cup of java.

As for blacks, my suggestion is for everyone to follow Jason Riley’s advice and to stop trying to help them so damn much. Before LBJ stuck them back on the plantation a century after they’d left it, blacks were entering the middle class in record numbers, their marriage rate was higher than that among whites, abortions were rare, the crime rate was proportionate to their numbers, two parent families were commonplace and black churches concentrated on instilling Christian values and tolerance, as opposed to promoting racial divide and a sense of victimhood.

Recently, I suggested that we might consider swapping three Republican mediocrities like Orrin Hatch, Jeff Flake, John McCain and a player to be named later, for Bob Menendez, the only Democrat in the Senate who has the guts to oppose Obama on Cuba, Iran and Israel. A fellow conservative suggested that I sweeten the deal by tossing in Susan Collins, Lamar Alexander and Bob Corker. Although I agreed in principle, I wrote back to say “The problem is I can’t risk tossing away too many slackers, lest the Democrats, who are even worse, regain the majority in the Senate. Far better, I’d suggest, to have Harry Reid cleaning up after the elephants than running the circus.”

Obama, perhaps the pettiest man on the face of the earth, allowed his petulance towards Benjamin Netanyahu to boil over, leading him to threaten to side with Israel’s enemies at the U.N. The question is whether the Jewish Democrats in Congress will finally have the gumption to unlock their lips from Obama’s behind long enough to join people like Marco Rubio in speaking out in defense of the Jewish homeland, the only democracy and the only real ally we have in that part of the world.

It is revolting that Obama is doing everything in his power to bring about a two state solution by forcing Israel to divide itself into two parts, one part of which would be indefensible against terrorist attacks, with the other part led by Arabs and Muslims dedicated to completing Hitler’s attempt to eradicate Jews from the face of the earth. The fact that so many Americans continue to support this pathetic excuse for a human being leads me to pray for a two state solution, but one that involves America.

Although I continue to favor a governor, Scott Walker, for the presidency, Marco Rubio did a lot to win me over with the 16-minute speech he gave on the floor of the Senate in defense of Israel. In 2016, with the presidential campaign likely to focus on foreign affairs, I would love to see Rubio debating with Hillary (“What difference does it make who killed four Americans?”) Clinton. By the end of the mismatch, all that would be left of Hillary would be her broom, her black dress, her pointy hat and a little puddle of water.

Those conservative pundits who dismiss the Democrats as having a very limited bench in 2016, consisting as it would seem of Mrs. Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden and Al Gore, are displaying a dangerous lack of imagination.

Although he is the vilest resident of the White House America has ever been saddled with, Obama won two terms because he is the first black president. In like fashion, Mrs. Clinton is basing her own candidacy on being the first female president.

But, the Democrats have barely begun. They have already won with the first Catholic –John F. Kennedy – and the first draft dodger – Bill Clinton. But they have barely scratched the surface. Before they’re done, I’m sure they’ll trot out the first homosexual, the first atheist, the first Jew, the first dwarf, the first two-headed albino and, eventually, the first Cherokee wannabe, Elizabeth (Fauxcahontas) Warren.




"Dear Burt..."


Idon't envy many people, but I did envy Abigail Van Buren her “Dear Abby” column. For years, she ruled the roost with her advice not only to the lovelorn, but to people having problems with their spouses, their siblings, their in-laws and even with their neighbors and co-workers, and she often got to do it in jokey fashion.

I happen to be great at giving advice to people, especially if I can make jokes about their troubles. And in a pinch, Abby wasn’t above simply sluffing them off on shrinks, priests and ministers. I, on the other hand, would never think to deal with sub-contractors. There is simply no problem I can’t deal with in 100 words or less, so long as it’s someone else’s and not my own.

For instance: "Dear Burt, I keep trying to send email to senators from other states, but they won’t accept them. What can I do? Frustrated in Kansas."

“Dear Frustrated: I would enact a law compelling senators to accept email from one and all. After all, their decisions affect each one of us. In my case, I live in California, so matters of importance to me are of no concern to Senators Boxer or Feinstein. Recently, I tried to contact Lindsey Graham in order to ascertain why he is willing to confirm Loretta Lynch (aka Eric Holder in drag) to be the next Attorney General. Naturally, I couldn’t get through. What makes this practice particularly offensive is that my living outside their states never prevents these creeps from dunning me for campaign contributions.”

“Dear Burt: It seems to me that the Army tried Bowe Bergdahl several months ago on the charge of desertion, and yet I have yet to hear whether or not he was found guilty. What’s going on? Curious in Oklahoma.”

“Dear Curious: Like you, I am getting very impatient. It was last year that the other members of his squad went on Fox and swore that Bergdahl had deserted his post and gone off with the idea of joining the Taliban, forcing them to risk their own lives searching for him. It was, as you say, several months ago that a spokesman for the Army announced that the court martial had concluded. The fact that no result of the trial has been forthcoming has led me to conclude that he was found guilty, but that Obama has kept a lid on it, lest even the liberal media question his swapping five high-ranking terrorists for a traitor.”

“Dear Burt: Even though the presidential election is still a year and a half off, the Democrats and their stooges in the media have already started attacking Scott Walker simply because he appears to be leading in the polls. What can Governor Walker do about it? Annoyed in Oregon.”

“Dear Annoyed: Walker can do what I advise every Republican candidate to do; namely, put on his big boy pants. Any Republican who is not prepared to be pounded by the liberal pygmies should find another line of work. Instead of letting it get to him, he should learn to bask in the attacks. By his enemies, you shall know him. Walker and all the other candidates should learn to regard liberal critics the way great baseball players learn to accept the catcalls from the other team’s fans, as a tribute to their prowess. Keep in mind, they don’t boo utility infielders. Republicans should only start worrying when the liberal media praises them. A prime example was John McCain, who, in 2008, was hailed as a statesman by the NY Times, and evidently the fool took it so much to heart that he refused to run even a single TV spot tying Barack Obama to Rev. Jeremiah Wright and his racist church.”

“Dear Burt: Why is it that the GOP refuses to engage in any of the high-handed, but legal, machinations that Harry Reid employed when he was running the Senate? Fed Up in Wyoming.”

“Dear Fed Up: Unfortunately, the GOP prefers to be the minority party because Republican politicians find it so much more comfortable whining about the Democrats than actually having to do anything themselves. But, then, unlike Democrats, Republicans very rarely agree about what actually needs to be done. As a result, they generally twiddle their thumbs while waiting for the glorious day when the liberals regain power and they can get back to their whining.”

“Dear Burt: I read that the same day that Barack Obama flew to L.A. to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel TV show, Michelle flew to L.A. to appear with Ellen DeGeneres, but flew on a different plane, even though it costs well over $200,000-an-hour to keep those jets airborne. As a taxpayer, I resent this waste of my hard-earned money. Irate in Minnesota.”

“Dear Irate: I share your resentment. However, my outrage is diluted by the fact that, I, too, would do everything in my power to avoid being cooped up with either one of those creeps for 10 hours.”

“Dear Burt: For the past several months, on almost a daily basis, I have received an email that reads: ‘Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently entering the mystic realm of the future, she finds the answer. She tells him he will die on a Jewish holiday. When he asks her which one, she replies that it doesn’t matter, because whenever he dies, it will be a Jewish holiday.’ As a Jew, what do you make of it? Perplexed in Florida.”

“Dear Perplexed: Like you, I have received this joke too many times to count. It’s not funny, not because it’s in bad taste to joke about a president’s death, but because it makes no sense. In 2008, Obama received 78% of the Jewish vote. In 2012, even after displaying his contempt for Israel and its prime minister, he received 69% of the Jewish vote. For most American Jews, Obama’s death would be a cause for grief, for the rending of garments, not for celebration and the tossing of confetti. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but please keep in mind I only write an advice column, I’m not Sigmund Freud.”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@fastmail.com.


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