I know that some people were upset that Barack Obama didn’t call to congratulate Bibi Netanyahu on his monumental victory in the Israeli election, the way that the leaders of Canada, India and the U.K., did. I wasn’t one of those people. For one thing, everyone knows by this time that the only thing worse than Obama’s policies are his manners. He just might be the pettiest individual to have ever been engaged in American politics. Judging by the man he turned out to be, I’m betting that as a kid, Obama was the sort of brat who would hold his breath and stomp his feet if he didn’t get his own way.
Besides, it’s Netanyahu who should have called and thanked Obama. Just knowing that Obama hated Israel’s P.M., and that he had even sent his operatives to Israel and helped to fund their activities on behalf of the opposition, was probably all it took to turn what was predicted to be a squeaker of an election into a rout.
With something like a dozen different political parties fighting for supremacy in Israel, there is very little that Israelis ever agree about, but one thing they know for certain is that Obama hates Jews and has a soft spot for Islamics, even for the demented likes of the Ayatollah Khamenei.
♦ You would think by this time that Democrats would have gotten tired of trying to paint Republicans as racists at war with women, especially when they’ve seen the strategy crash and burn over the past few election cycles. But the poor souls have nothing else in their quiver, so they have no choice but to keep shooting the same old, worn-out, arrows. Thus, because Loretta Lynch’s confirmation through the Senate hasn’t gone as swiftly as Sen. Dick Durbin would like, he is claiming the only explanation is that Senate Republicans are racists who are reluctant to see the first black woman installed as Attorney General.
The question that leaps to mind is why was Dick Durbin one of the few senators, along with such shady conspirators as Ted Kennedy, Barbara Boxer and Robert Byrd, who voted against confirming Condoleezza Rice as the first black female Secretary of State? Was it because she was black? Or perhaps because she was a woman? Or was it enough that she was a conservative, which makes Durbin not only a hypocrite, but as bigoted as Al Sharpton.
♦ Yet another phony, Colin Powell, who has spent the past several years calling himself a Republican, while voting for Democrats, has now decided to use his overinflated reputation to accuse the GOP of being a party of racists. The fact is Colin Powell became the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff the same way Obama wound up in the White House, as the result of affirmative action run amok.
♦ Speaking of the mullah-in-chief, I recently received a cartoon which showed Obama sharing a bathtub with GloZell Green and a box of her Fruit Loops. They are looking up at two men in suits holding Tom Cotton’s letter to Iran signed by 47 patriots in the U.S. Senate, and Barack is telling GloZell: “I’m so embarrassed for them.”
♦ In 2015, if there’s one thing we have in spades, it’s cause for embarrassment. For instance, the other night I started watching a documentary about Jerry Lewis. My only excuse is that I always found him somewhat fascinating in a creepy way. But I gave up after listening to the likes of Steven Spielberg, Alec Baldwin, Billy Crystal, Richard Belzer, Quentin Tarantino, Chevy Chase, Richard Lewis, Carol Burnett and Carl Reiner, praising Lewis as a comic genius.
Now, granted, guys like Tarantino, Spielberg and Baldwin, know as much about comedy as I do about space travel. But for Carol Burnett, Billy Crystal and Carl Reiner, to insist that the man who spent 50 years walking around on his ankles and pretending to be mentally retarded was the epitome of comedic genius verges on lunacy. When I was nine years old, I already recognized that Jerry Lewis was one step down from the Three Stooges.
I blame the French. Early on, they told him he was brilliant, kissed him on both cheeks and gave him a medal. Because they have no military heroes, they have plenty left over to pin on pretentious frauds.
The medal affected him the way the diploma went to the Scarecrow’s head in “The Wizard of Oz.” Before you knew it, Ray Bolger was spouting off about the square root of a hypotenuse, sounding exactly like Jerry Lewis trying to sound scholarly about pratfalls.
♦ If you have a child of questionable morals who wishes to become very rich, my suggestion is that you direct him into criminal defense work. Take Robert Durst’s lawyers…please. They became legendary because they convinced a jury of 12 morons that even though Durst admitted killing his elderly neighbor, Morris Black, dismembering the man’s body and dropping the parts into Galveston Bay, before stealing Mr. Black’s car and driver’s license, jumping bail and fleeing to Bethlehem, PA, it was a simple case of self-defense.
In a sane world, it’s the jurors who would have become famous, and ever after, whenever someone anywhere in the world said or did something unbelievably stupid, they’d be asked if they’d served on that Galveston jury.
♦ On another matter involving fleeing, something that never fails to confound me is that millions of people will pack up and leave California, New York, Mexico and Guatemala, for perfectly sound reasons…and then do everything in their power to replicate the very place from which they were escaping.
♦ Jonah Goldberg delivered a classic critique of Hillary Clinton’s speeches I wish I could claim as my own: “I am woman, hear me bore.”
♦ Finally, I hear from a number of readers who share my politics, but who are religious and who keep expecting God to respond to their prayers and deliver us from Obama prior to 2017. I wish them well, but I am reminded of a line I once gave Father Mulcahy on a “MASH” episode: “God answers all prayers, but sometimes His answer is ‘No.’”
©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.