Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Hilarity with Hillary

I know that a lot of people are waiting to hear Mrs. Clinton answer tough questions from reporters, but I’m not one of them. I’m pretty old and I’m not sure I have the time to sit through too many of her answers.

For instance, Morton Michaels reminds me that in 2014, when asked about her accomplishments as Secretary of State, she responded: “Well, I’m glad you asked me that! My proudest accomplishment in which I take the most pride, mostly because of the opposition it faced early on, you know…the remnants of prior situations and mindsets that were too narrowly focused in a manner whereby they may have overlooked the bigger picture and we didn’t do that and I’m proud of that. Very proud. I would say that’s a major accomplishment.”

The scariest thing of all is that tens of millions of Democrats would listen to that incoherent drivel, nod and say, “Yep, she’s the smartest woman in the world.”

Pundits never tire of pointing out that Hillary has a frosty relationship with the members of the media. Well, I know why I despise them, but I can’t figure out her attitude. It strikes me that theirs is one of the great tales of unrequited love, taking its place alongside “The Great Gatsby” and “Cyrano de Bergerac.” The members of the media, after all, wear their hearts on their sleeves when it comes to liberals, but it’s as if Hillary takes it as an affront that they seem to adore Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and Elizabeth Warren, every bit as much as they love her.

Because Hillary treated the members of the media with the contempt they deserve, the twerps were forced to read great meaning into the fact that in Iowa she visited a Chipotle restaurant and ordered a burrito bowl with a side of guacamole, as if they were reading tea leaves or Tarot cards. Was she reaching out to the Hispanic population or perhaps the avocado growers of America? Or perhaps this woman of the people simply had no idea what a burrito was and thought she was ordering a donut.

How can one not enjoy her attempts to pass herself off as just a typical granny in spite of having $200 million in the family checking account? She can’t even say something as non-partisan as referring to “all the truckers I saw on the I-80 as I was driving here” without reminding us that this self-proclaimed champion of the middleclass hasn’t even driven a car in 25 years.

I expect when she is finally forced to answer for those millions of dollars that flowed into the Clinton coffers even while she was serving as Secretary of State, she’ll channel her inner Bill, and respond in typical Clintonian fashion: “It all depends on what the meaning of ‘bribery’ is.”

In the meantime, her utter contempt for journalists is the only thing about her I like.

If the media didn’t see its mission as being the propaganda arm of the Socialist Party, someone would ask Obama why, if Islamic terrorists are not really Islamic, he continues to supply Gitmo inmates with Korans, a Muslim diet and prayer mats, and why he insisted that the Navy provide Osama bin Laden’s carcass with a religious send-off at sea.

Even I know that as soon as the Federal Reserve stops keeping the economy afloat by printing funny money and maintaining interest rates at zero, the Stock Market will crash and burn. It’s inevitable, just as it was in 2008. How could it have been otherwise, thanks to sub-prime mortgages?

The banks were happy to cash in, but it was the Democrats who got the ball rolling. They assumed that allowing people with lousy credit to buy homes with no money down would provide them with a windfall on Election Day. After all, on page one of their playbook, it says the best way to win elections is to buy votes with other people’s money.

Of course one reason the Democrats were able to carry it off is because people like Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and the bureaucrats at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac lied about the actual number of sub-prime loans, waiting like time bombs to go off. They told us there were six million. Turns out there were 31 million.

Here in California, Jerry Brown and his stooges blame the drought on the lack of rainfall without mentioning that we are never more than a few years away from the next drought. What they fail to mention is that they haven’t built a new reservoir in 40 years or even considered taking advantage of a 700 mile coastline by building desalinization plants.

They even have the audacity to accuse farmers of wasting water, never once blaming the environmental lobby for denying water to farmland in order to safeguard such after-thoughts of Mother Nature as the delta smelt, the spotted owl and the flaky self-important members of the Sierra Club.

In the ongoing debate, even without knowing any of the pertinent facts, who would you imagine to be the more responsible stewards of the earth: rich San Francisco snots who gather regularly to drink white wine spritzers and nosh on brie or the San Joaquin farmers who depend on the earth for their livelihood?

In other news, when the PBS documentary series, “Finding Your Roots,” discovered that an ancestor of uberliberal Ben Affleck had been a slave owner, Affleck persuaded the show to conceal the fact. Naturally, PBS obliged him, explaining, once the story broke, that it wasn’t censorship; they had merely come up with a more interesting ancestor.

Pardon my cynicism, but would PBS have cut a conservative celebrity, someone like Jon Voight, Pat Boone or Pat Sajak, the same slack? Not likely unless the more interesting ancestor turned out to be Benedict Arnold.

Over the course of the past week, I have received a few more questions addressed to Dear Burt, everyone’s favorite seer.

“Dear Burt: What do you think of presidential debates as a way of deciding on a Republican candidate? Curious in Chicago.”

“Dear Curious: If they actually proved anything, we’d probably be better off electing members of high school or college debating teams. Which, considering some of the candidates we’ve come up with, might not be the worst idea in the world. A better process would involve arming the combatants with long knives and placing them all in a deep pit. The person who finally climbed out would then be in a better position to run against Hillary.”

“Dear Burt: What did you make of the melee that recently took place when a large group of demonstrators carrying signs reading “Captivity is Slavery,” “Animals are Innocent” and “Stop the Injustice,” got into a scuffle with employees of the Ramos Brothers Circus? Anxious in Augusta.”

“Dear Anxious: Frankly, I don’t enjoy seeing elephants being forced to parade around the ring like a bunch of showgirls. But the only surprising thing about watching liberal pinheads brawling with circus clowns is that for once it took place in San Bernardino, CA, and not in Washington, D.C.”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Let's Not Knock Yesterday

Marco Rubio got an ovation when, while announcing his intention to run in 2016, he took a swipe at not only Hillary Clinton, but Jeb Bush, by pointing out she represents yesterday while young Rubio represents tomorrow or even a week from next Thursday.

The problem is that George Washington, James Madison, Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan, all go back even further than Mrs. Clinton. Her problem isn’t that she’s been around Washington for a quarter of a century or that she’s in her late 60s, but that all she has to offer is the same liberal drivel which states that the federal government is the fount of all wisdom and that politicians and bureaucrats spend our money more wisely than we do and are in the best position to determine how the rest of us live our lives.

In her own announcement, Mrs. Clinton insists she wants to be the champion of the middle class. Well, as a member in long standing of the middle class, I want to tell her that if it weren’t for the likes of people like Barack Obama and herself, we’d be doing just fine on our own. It is liberal policies that have cost us millions of good-paying jobs, saddled us with a loony tax code and $18 trillion in debt.

The big laugh is that Mrs. Clinton and her $200 million poses as one of us. The charade involves her demanding that the minimum wage soar from $7.25-an-hour to $15 and that some draconian measures be adopted so that CEOs no longer be paid 300 times more than the average worker. What she doesn’t mention, as the Wall Street Journal recently pointed out, is that when she’s paid $300,000 to deliver a 90-minute speech, that works out to $200,000- an-hour. That means she is making roughly 25,000-30,000 times as much as the low-wage worker at that venue.

And that doesn’t include the private jet, the presidential suite and all the other sweeteners, she demands as the price for her royal presence.

When I watch Hillary trying to show her softer side to the folks in Iowa while wearing her shades indoors, I keep wondering if she is channeling her inner Jack Nicholson. As for the reporters who go chasing after her black bus, they remind me of those dogs who go chasing after cars. You wonder what the heck they plan to do when they catch it. Bite its tires?

Having already suggested that Rand Paul is too short to be elected president, I don’t want to pile on, but I can’t help noticing how much his curly locks makes him resemble his number one nemesis, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. It makes you think that their dust-up over abortions might be nothing more than sibling rivalry.

When I hear schmucks like Eric Holder and Al Sharpton complain that young black males are arrested a disproportionate number of times, I keep waiting for someone in the vicinity to point out that, by a strange coincidence, they also happen to commit a disproportionate number of crimes.

A reader, dissatisfied with my explanation for the disparity between what Hollywood producers pay their female stars compared to what they pay males, accused me of being a sexist. “The fact is,” I explained, “the marketplace makes these determinations. The ladies, after all, have agents who would love to pocket 10% of $25 million rather than 10% of $10 million. But it all comes down to what audiences are buying. Today it tends to be movies featuring violent action and technical effects or dumb, scatological, comedies, which call for guys like Robert Downey, Matt Damon, Liam Neeson, Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen.

The bottom line is that women are more than happy to see dumb movies aimed at guys in their teens and twenties, but men are reluctant to sit through films that used to be called women’s pictures in the 1950s and starred young Rock Hudson romancing the likes of post-menstrual ladies like Jane Wyman, Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck, and today are dismissed as chick flicks.

Another reader, who had once lived under Soviet tyranny, wrote to ask how Communists had ever gained such a stranglehold in Hollywood. I reported that back in the 30s, the Reds had garnered control by waiting out everyone else at the union meetings. Whereas normal working stiffs wanted to go home and get some sleep, the leftists would prolong the meetings by bringing up pointless motions and delivering speeches so boring they could make your teeth ache. Then, once everyone else would get up and leave, they’d vote and elect each other officers.

These days, when rank-and-file Democrats are what Communists used to be, the bums can hold their elections much earlier and forego all that stalling around.

A third reader asked me if I agreed that this was the worst decade in American history, mainly thanks to Obama. I agreed this one was bad, but felt the decade of the 60s was worse. Once parents decided that their teenagers were smarter, nicer, braver and more tolerant, than they themselves were, and that they needed to look to their offspring for spiritual, political and cultural guidance, all was lost. Moreover, it made Obama’s election not only possible, but inevitable.

Finally, I received the latest in the ongoing series of “Dear Burt” questions from my readers. Puzzled in Pittsburgh wrote: “Dear Burt: Recently you mentioned the barbarism of Romans who sat in the Coliseum noshing on popcorn and Jujubes while they watched lions devour Christians. Today we have extreme fighting. Is that really much better?”

“Dear Puzzled: It is unless you’re a lion. For one thing, the guys in the cage are there by choice. For another, the loser gets beaten, not eaten.”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Friday, April 24, 2015

2017 Can't Come Soon Enough

Like everyone else who can’t wait for the Obamas to vacate the White House, I want to tell 2017 not to dawdle. No stopping to smell the roses while the rest of us are sniffing the swamp gas emanating from what has come to be known over the past six years as the Offal Office.

I have long believed that you could get a pretty good handle on a person if you knew his friends and his enemies. In Obama’s case, his friends, those folks for whom he doesn’t mind going that extra mile, seem to consist of Vladimir Putin, the Ayatollah Khamenei and the Castros, which explains why Raul Castro recently declared that “Barack Obama is a decent man.” As commendations go, that’s rather like having Hitler calling you a nice guy.

On the other hand, Obama’s enemy list includes Israel’s Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu, Egypt’s President el-Sisi, Jordan’s King Abdullah II, Christians, America’s conservatives, law-abiding gun owners and, of course, Fox News.

It is also telling that Obama and his stooges always manage to come up with tax dollars for illegal aliens, Planned Parenthood’s abortion mills and urban blacks, but rarely for our wounded military veterans.

Speaking of welfare, in Maine, a three-month limit has been established on food stamps for able-bodied adults without minor dependents (ABAWDS) unless they work 20 hours a week, attend job-training courses or volunteer for six hours a week. I think you’d agree that’s not too demanding. And yet the mere notion of doing volunteer work for about an hour-a-day was enough to decrease the number of these clodhoppers receiving food stamps by 80%!

I suspect that if Maine added mandatory drug-testing to the requirements, it could eliminate that last 20%.

In case you’re unaware of it, the Rolling Stone, the uber left-wing rag, recently ran a story about a gang rape that allegedly took place at a University of Virginia fraternity house. It turned out that Jackie, the “victim” had made it up out of whole cloth, which, unfortunately, is the case far too often when it comes to campus assaults. But what made this case worthy of attention was that nobody insisted that the reporter speak to the alleged rapists, to the woman’s friends or even to the local police.

Even when the Stone’s owner and editors fessed up, the apology sounded a lot like, “Okay, we were mistaken this one time (okay, twice, if you insist on bringing up the Duke Lacrosse team), but the fact is that young southerners enjoy nothing better than raping coeds unless it’s lynching black men.”

For those on the Left who pooh-pooh conservatives when they accuse the mainstream media of having an agenda, whether it involves cases such as these or endemic racism among white cops, this is what we’re talking about.

Speaking of cops, some of the stupidest people in America, and that certainly includes Al Sharpton and the members of the Congressional Black Caucus, are those who compare cops to Klansmen. However, some of the other stoopnagels are cops. I mean ever since Rodney King, if a police officer so much as coughs without covering his mouth, it’s captured on video. So how is it that some of them still seem to believe that donning the uniform makes them invisible?

Speaking of stupid, how is it that so many so-called journalists haven’t caught on that if they’re going to devote their lives to shilling for the Democrats, they shouldn’t be working for newspapers and earning peanuts? What they should do is call themselves political strategists like James Carville, Joe Trippi, Mark Hannah and Lanny Davis. They’d not only make a fortune, but force millions of us to fast-forward through any Fox show on which they happened to appear.

Some of you may have noticed that I have cooled slightly on Scott Walker. It’s nothing that he’s done or even anything he said. In fact, it was his response to the English reporter who asked him what he thought of the Theory of Evolution. Instead of saying he believed in it or that he didn’t, he blinked and said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t touch that question with a 10-foot pole.”

While it’s true that there was no reason to pose the question, and we all know that the same reporter would not ask it of Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, I don’t want a Republican presidential candidate to ask himself how an answer to any question is going to play in Iowa or New Hampshire, Ohio or Texas.

Frankly, I don’t care what Walker or any of the GOP contenders thinks about Charles Darwin. As president, nothing Walker says or does is going to involve evolution. But if you’re not savvy enough to say, “Darwin had his theories and I have my own when it comes to simplifying the tax code, building up our military, closing the southern border, shutting down the EPA, defending Israel, standing up to Iran and killing Islamic terrorists wherever they raise their ugly heads,” I’m not sure you’re ready for primetime.

After viewing Hillary’s video announcing her candidacy, showing her posed in front of a white picket fence, which didn’t even slightly resemble the Clinton mansion in Chappaqua, NY, a friend told me he expected some kid to come by and ask her if the Beav could come out and play. For my part, I was surprised not to see one of Ma Clinton’s famous hot apple pies cooling on the window sill.

When I recently wrote that Rand Paul was too short to be elected president, a couple of Sen. Paul’s fans reminded me that James Madison was a mere 5-foot-4. But I pointed out that was 200 years ago when the average height of American men wasn’t what it is today. Besides, without TV, most Americans had no idea how tall Madison was or how he measured up against George Clinton, Charles Pinckney or Rufus King. Moreover, people were a lot smarter back then, and welfare recipients, not to mention illegal aliens, weren’t being encouraged to vote.

Finally, I recently read that Olivia de Havilland, a contract player at Warner Brothers, begged Jack Warner to loan her out to MGM so she could take the role of Melanie in “Gone with the Wind.” Although it was commonplace and profitable for studios to rent out their stars, Jack Warner was reluctant because he always felt that when they came back to his no frills factory, they tended to be malcontents.

So after being turned down by Jack, Olivia invited Mrs. Warner to have lunch at the Brown Derby. She presented her case, Jack’s wife interceded on her behalf and before you could say, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” Olivia de Havilland had the role and an Oscar nomination.

The reason I mention this is because it relates to something in my own life. Many years ago when I was in my 20s, living in Los Angeles, I received an assignment from the Sunday supplement in the Chicago Tribune to write a piece about the upcoming TV season. They told me they wanted me to interview the producers of the many new one-hour dramas that would debut in September. They specifically told me they weren’t interested in the financial impact it would have on the networks when most of their half-hour sit coms were displaced.

I watched the pilot episodes, interviewed the producers and mailed the article off to Chicago. The next thing I knew, the editor of the Sunday supplement let me know he was dissatisfied. Where, he wanted to know, were all the financial details? I reminded him that he had told me to ignore all that boring stuff.

When he held fast, I wrote to his boss, the managing editor, who wrote back to say he gave his subordinate editors absolute autonomy to do as they pleased.

Fortunately, I still had relatives living in Chicago and both editors had distinctive names. So I wrote to a cousin and asked him to find out their home addresses. As soon as I had them, I addressed letters to their wives, explained the situation and asked them how they’d feel if they had a son living 1,800 miles away who was being jerked around this way.

I never heard back from either of the women, but within a week, I received a check from the Tribune.

At the time, I realized that nearly every man has a conscience. But as Olivia de Havilland had discovered, they often come by them the same way they wind up with in-laws and mortgages; namely, through marriage.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

"Who the Heck Isn't Running?" and "The Rolling Stone Gathers No Facts"

I, for one, am getting sick and tired of these over-produced announcements that so-and-so has deigned to run for president. We’ve known their identities all along and by now, unless I belatedly toss my hat in the ring, there are no surprises. At this point, what I’d really like to hear is that Chris Christie, Mike Pence, John Kasich, Mike Huckabee and Ben Carson, have decided not to run.

I hate to be viewed as a flip-flopper, but I have decided that Mike Flynn, the retired general who formerly headed up the Defense Intelligence Agency, might be more valuable as the Secretary of Defense than as president. In the meantime, Carly Fiorina has replaced Gov. Scott Walker at the top of my ticket. My reasons are two-fold. One, like Rick Perry in 2012, he has appeared to be unprepared for national politics. Two, everything I have heard from Ms. Fiorina has resonated with me. Although I prefer a governor to a senator for the top job, I am quite happy to have someone whose life experience is in the business world. In fact, if Mitt Romney hadn’t been a governor and been saddled with the albatross of RomneyCare, he and Ann might today be calling the White House home.

I must confess that I was blindsided by Fiorina. Even though she ran for the Senate out here in California, I paid very little attention to her campaign because I knew there was no way on earth she could defeat Barbara Boxer in a state where 60% of the registered voters, and 100% of the unregistered voters, are Democrats. In fact, the only good thing to come out of that campaign was that it knocked political blowhard Dick Morris, who confidently predicted a slam-dunk victory for Fiorina, off Fox News.

Of all the campaign announcements, Hillary’s was predictably the most embarrassing. It was a two-minute spot in which she didn’t appear until the 90-second mark. The opening consisted of a variety of people boasting of their new beginnings before Hillary got to lie about her own. So we had a couple who hoped to have greater success in the future housebreaking their dog; a couple of Spanish-speaking brothers who are starting a business, which naturally doesn’t require that they learn English; and, predictably, a homosexual couple who are looking forward to a summer wedding.

For Hillary’s part, although you might have expected her to mention that she is still hoping to housebreak or at least neuter Bill, who happens to be 13 in dog years, she pretty much limited herself to telling hard-working Americans that the deck is still stacked against them because the rich (Republicans, that is) have it in for them. Frankly, I don’t see why hard-working Americans would want to hear a pep talk from a woman whose family has accrued $200 million, not to mention a family foundation worth two billion dollars, without ever having done a single day’s worth of hard work.

The money aside, I am dying to find out what achievements she is going to brag about over the next 18 months. As First Lady, she gave us HillaryCare, which was the blueprint for the Affordable Care Act. As a senator, she strongly supported the Iraq War, which, you would think, would be reason enough for the Democrats to burn her in effigy.

As the Secretary of State, she pressed the re-set button with Russia, agreed with Obama’s decision to withdraw all of our troops from Iraq, pushed for a nuclear deal with Iran and announced that it made no difference to her who killed four Americans in Benghazi.

Finally, as someone who was setting the groundwork for her campaign with the customary book tour, she told us a whopper about being broke when she and Bill left the White House. But she neglected to mention that she jeopardized America’s security by using a private email server, lest anyone ever find out the truth about Benghazi or about the millions of dollars flowing into the family foundation from unfriendly nations while she was serving as the Secretary of State.

According to no less an objective authority than Chelsea Clinton: “It’s important for symbolic reasons” to elect a female president. Well, the last time we elected a symbol, we stuck ourselves with Barack Obama. But if we’re going to have a woman at the helm, as I say, I’d prefer to see Carly Fiorina, who seems to be in the mold of Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher and not another Nancy Pelosi or Barbara Boxer.

Unfortunately, too many women – particularly those who are young and unmarried – will vote for Mrs. Clinton for no other reason than that she fully endorses federally-funded abortions on demand.

Morality aside, the one inescapable conclusion I have glommed from the fact that one million abortions continue to take place every year in America is that sex education classes have been an abject failure.

The time and money spent showing the school kids how to put a condom on a banana have been a total waste, leading them to believe, apparently, that it’s produce, not people, that must be prevented from engaging in unprotected sex.

The Rolling Stone Gathers No Facts

When the Rolling Stone devoted a great deal of space to a cocked-up story about a gang rape that took place at a University of Virginia frat house, they had a pretty good idea it never happened. After all, they knew that the reporter had not spoken to anyone but the alleged “victim.” Even the Stone wouldn’t cover a traffic accident without interviewing those involved, the police and any eye witnesses. All of that is covered in the first week of Journalism 101.

However, all the rules are tossed out when the story involves any of the left’s favorite narratives. So if black hooligans riot, it’s reported as if it were an insurrection of slaves in 1850 Mississippi. If a white cop shoots a black thug, it’s reported as if it’s 1950 Mississippi. And if college boys are accused of rape, it’s assumed the rape actually took place, although even government statistics indicate that it’s just about as likely that the sex was consensual and that the coed woke up the next day, entertaining second thoughts.

Keep in mind I’m not diminishing the horror of rape. In fact, I have long proposed that actual rape, along with child abuse, would be a capital offense in a civilized society. That’s because it can never be defended on the grounds that a bank robber was merely trying to support his family, that a teenage car thief couldn’t resist showing off for his girlfriend or a killer was acting in self-defense.

A reader recently asked me why so many people, particularly Republicans, are so reluctant to refer to black-on-white or even black-on-black crime, but will leap at the chance to pretend that white-on-black crime is rampant in America. I replied that white people, politicians in particular, are terrified of being called racists. What makes their concern so peculiar is that no matter what they say or do, blacks and other liberals will always label them as such. As I see it, being someone that Obama, Holder or Sharpton, calls a racist is a commendation. But leave it to craven Republican politicians to worry about people who will never vote for them not voting for them!

Speaking of Democrats, they’re fond of repeating the mantra that all lives matter when expressing their solidarity with the likes of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown, but suddenly when the victims are those not yet born, they don’t seem to matter quite so much. In fact, to listen to the head of the DNC, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, they don’t matter at all. As for Barack Obama, he made his own feelings clear when he was still taking up space in the Illinois legislature and voted to legalize the killing of those babies who survived a botched abortion.

I keep receiving messages from my readers insisting that Obama is a Muslim. As proof, they send me photos of him holding up his index finger as a symbol of solidarity with the followers of Islam. Or they’ll explain it’s why he is so reluctant to confront Islamic terrorists or to even call them Islamic.

I have no idea if he’s a Muslim. I don’t even care. How much worse would it make him? I mean, he attended Reverend Wright’s church for 20 years and listened to sermons damning America, white people, Jews and Israel. Would it really have been worse if he’d spent two decades attending services in a Chicago mosque?

Besides, he also refuses to confront Vladimir Putin. He won’t even supply Ukraine with arms so they can defend themselves against Putin’s aggression. Should we take that to mean that Obama was born in Minsk?

What I assume is that he inherited his father’s hatred of white people. Isn’t it enough that Obama despises America and has only contempt for those who gave us a Constitution that never mentioned the redistribution of wealth, and that he openly despises those Judeo-Christian values that inspired the Founding Fathers?

On April 15th, I happened to drive past a church billboard that read: “Thank you, God, that tax day is only one day a year.” If I hadn’t been running late, I would have stopped and pointed out to the resident minister that we live in California, where every day is tax day, thanks to Jerry Brown and his sock puppets in Sacramento.

Because I like to share other people’s observations nearly as much as I do my own, I thought it worthwhile to let you know that Anatole France once advised people to never lend books. “Nobody,” he pointed out, “ever returns them. The only books I have in my own library are those which people lent me.”

Speaking of books, Lily Tomlin once asked: “Why if you read a lot of books, you’re considered well-read, but if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well-viewed?”

Ms. Tomlin also wondered, “Why is it that when we talk to God, we’re said to be praying, but when He talks to us, we’re called schizophrenic?”

And, finally, Anne Lamott observed: “You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

I see her point. For my part, though, inasmuch as that happens to be my criteria for picking my friends, I don’t see why it shouldn’t be the same for my God.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Monday, April 20, 2015

Fables, Foibles & Fibs

If the North Korean media is to be believed, Kim Jung-un learned to drive when he was still a toddler, won a yacht race when he was nine and, as an adult, once had 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf. And that’s the yardstick by which North Korean school kids are supposed to measure themselves.

It’s easy enough for us to laugh at such nonsense. As folk lore, it takes its place among such tall tales as lumberjack Paul Bunyan, who could clear a forest single-handed; Superman, who could stop a bullet with his teeth; and Barack Obama, who, legend has it, was a constitutional scholar.

In Obama’s latest attempts to legitimatize the illegitimate, he has pledged solidarity with Cuban despot Raul Castro and spent well over a year trying to make nice with the Ayatollah Khamenei. And let us not forget that prior to the 2012 election, Obama got word to Vladimir Putin that he intended to give new meaning to “flexibility” -- or was it “sucking up”? -- once he dusted off Mitt Romney.

The fact that he has a soft spot for the vilest men on the face of the earth shouldn’t surprise anyone. After all, before even coming to Washington, his closest friends and advisors were pedophile/pornographer Frank Davis Marshall; the American-born terrorist William Ayres; the rabidly racist Rev. Jeremiah Wright; and the preeminent anti-Semite, Louis Farrakhan.

To get an even clearer view of this psychopath, consider those he despises. He began by having the bust of Winston Churchill removed from his sight. Then he took an immediate dislike to Benjamin Netanyahu and has spent most of his six years in office praising Islam, while treating Israel like a leper colony.

The only Muslim he has treated with contempt is Egypt’s President el-Sisi, who, to his credit, removed the Muslim Brotherhood from power and demanded that Egypt’s mullahs speak out against the jihadists who have, in el-Sisi’s own words, hijacked Islam.

Finally, when it comes to Obama’s enemy list, one shouldn’t overlook Christians, whom he hasn’t yet forgiven for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and, of course, insisting he abide by the limitations imposed by our Constitution.

Recently, Obama and the Ayatollah openly disagreed about the details of the nuclear deal. It figures that Iranians, the victims of a government-controlled media, believed the Ayatollah’s version. It also figures that after listening to Obama’s endless lies for the past six years, most Americans also believed the Ayatollah’s version.

Speaking of Obama’s lies, he promised to personally see to it that the V.A. would finally be treating wounded and aging veterans with the respect they deserved. However, a recent study reported that medical delays of 60-90 days are at the same level as they were when the scandal initially broke. Worse yet, the number of delays exceeding 90 days have doubled in the past year!

Once again, the facts bear out Reagan’s observation that government is not the solution; government is the problem.

I recently read about a pre-WWII community in New York, where the German-American Bund intended to promote Nazism as a way of life. I take it they intended to make Yaphank, NY, a model for the rest of the country. They even had streets named Hitler, Goering and Goebbels. Before you write it off as too shocking to believe, keep in mind that at some point we’re going to see any number of streets and schools re-named in honor of Barack Hussein Obama.

As you have no doubt been reading, California is suffering through one of our worst droughts in history. We don’t deserve your sympathy. For one thing, most of the country has spent the past several months dealing with cyclones, snowstorms and freezing temperatures.

But mainly we don’t deserve your sympathy because we keep electing Gov. Jerry Brown. The goofball still intends to waste billions on a train between L.A. and San Francisco. It’s a train that nobody will ever ride on because it only takes about six or seven hours to make the drive and because once you reach either city, you still need to rent a car. In the meantime, however, he hasn’t considered building even a single desalinization plant.

Everyone knows it costs a lot to remove the salt from water, but we have a state that is half desert, boasts a 700 mile coastline and suffers droughts on a recurring basis. The idea that we have billions of dollars to blow on Gov. Moonbeam’s train set and providing food and shelter for an endless parade of illegal aliens, but not a red cent to prevent the Golden State from going brown, is proof that California remains a state of mind closely resembling full-blown dementia.

How goofy is California? Let me count the ways. Over 60% of the registered voters are Democrats. Obama received 84% of the votes in San Francisco and the surrounding counties. In 2012, the techies who work in the Silicon Valley donated $720,000 to Obama’s campaign, $25,000 to Mitt Romney’s.

Finally, because even the liberal legislators in Sacramento weren’t raising our state taxes quickly enough to suit him, Brown put higher taxes on the ballot and got the thumb-sucking voters to pass the measure.

As promised in a recent article, I intend to devote space every so often to replying to comments and questions from my readers in the spirit of Abigail Van Buren.

“Dear Burt: In addition to being a great writer, I think you’d have been a great reporter, psychoanalyst or politician. Ray”

“Dear Ray: You’re too kind, but I’m not cut out to be any of those things. A reporter? I much prefer providing answers to asking questions. A psychoanalyst? Don’t let the beard fool you. I don’t want to spend my time with crazy people. A politician? As I said, I don’t want to spend my time with crazy people. Regards, Burt”

“Dear Burt: What kind of people would force others to play a role in their same-sex weddings? With bakers being forced to bake and photographers being forced to take pictures, what happens if I’m invited to one of these weddings and I don’t wish to attend? Will they sue me if I don’t go? Concerned in Cape May.”

“Dear Concerned: I don’t think they can make you show up. But I suspect you’ll hear from Eric Holder if you don’t at least check the bridal registry and send a gift. Burt”

“Dear Burt: What to do? My wife is a Democrat. Anxious in Wisconsin”

“Dear Anxious: One: Does your wife look anything like an elk? Two: Is a hunting accident out of the question? Burt”

“Dear Burt: I can’t stand my wimpy husband, but if I left him, I’d miss the perks, which include a lovely mansion on Pennsylvania Avenue, a battalion of servants, free use of a military jet, a 24/7 security detail and any number of exotic vacations. Still, I’m considering getting a divorce. Disgruntled in D.C.”

“Dear Disgruntled: All things considered, I’d suggest you hold off filing until January 20, 2017. In the meantime, you can join the rest of us in counting off the days until we, too, are finally liberated from the schmuck. Burt”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?

Friday, April 17, 2015

The Uncivil War to End All Wars

There is a war taking place in the Middle East that pits Muslims against Christians, Jews and those Muslims who belong to a different cult.

Here in America, there is a war taking place that pits liberals and homosexuals -- to the extent there exists a smidgen of difference between them -- against Christians.

One merely has to look at every situation in which Christians attempt to defend their religious rights. Whether it’s companies that don’t wish to provide birth control in the form of contraceptives or provide funding for abortions; or devout individuals, who are even willing to accept homosexuality as an optional life style, but draw the line at playing any role in a same-sex wedding, the gays and their journalistic, corporate and political, henchmen will unite to put them out of business.

If you don’t feel that Christians are singled out for attack, why is it that Muslim florists, photographers and bakers, are never pressured to act in opposition to their religious beliefs? There is ample evidence that one would be hard-pressed to find a Muslim who would agree to provide any of the same-sex wedding wares or services that Christians are condemned for not providing.

Wouldn’t it make for a nice change if just once the gays gave the business to Muslims? Or are they simply terrified that they, who so love to label those who are put off by anal sex “homophobic,” would suddenly find themselves hoisted upon their own petard, tarred as “Islamophobic”?

The question that comes to mind is what makes homosexuals, lesbians and the transgender crowd, so heroic in the eyes of liberals, while devout Christians, who are far likelier to be numbered among their friends and neighbors, are so casually dismissed, written off as bigots and haters?

Furthermore, when it comes to haters, it is hard to get any nastier than the creeps who lit up social media threatening to kill or mutilate the Connors, the family that owns Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, simply because the daughter, when questioned by a reporter, said they would happily sell pizzas to anyone, but they would draw the line at catering a same-sex wedding. Apparently nobody thought to ask the reporter when he or she had last heard of a pizzeria catering a wedding.

The good news is that of this writing, the Connors have received over $800,000 in donations from Americans who appreciate their standing by their convictions. The bad news is that I, who also stand by my convictions, can only look on in envy, salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs.

Speaking of money, hardly a day passes that my wife and I don’t receive fund-raising appeals from Ben Carson, and he hasn’t even said he’s running yet. Frankly, I hope he doesn’t. As columnist S.E. Cupp recently spelled out, there is nothing to recommend him as a president. I mean, unless you think that what the office requires is someone with absolutely no political experience, what are his selling points? That he had the opportunity to tell Obama what’s wrong with the Affordable Care Act merely means that he got to attend a prayer breakfast where millions of us who would have said the same thing weren’t invited? That really isn’t much to go on, especially when the Supreme Court will have the opportunity this June to make it a non-issue in 2016.

As Cupp wrote, “Carson thinks the Second Amendment should be applied, well, selectively.”

Furthermore, he has suggested that the Israeli political system should be changed to the one we have. Well, the best argument against that simpleminded notion is that their system has given them Benjamin Netanyahu and ours saddled us with eight years of Barack Obama.

Cupp pointed out Carson told Chris Christie that homosexuality must be a choice “because a lot of people go into prison straight, and when they come out, they’re gay.” Now if he had pointed out that a great many felons are non-violent when they enter prison, but come out as committed jihadists because we foolishly allow Islamic imams to act as prison chaplains, he’d be on far steadier ground.

Carson also decided that Obama must be a psychopath, not because of the things he says and the things he does, but because he is so well-dressed. I know Carson was supposed to be a hell of a doctor, but did he make a habit of diagnosing a brain tumor by looking at a patient’s shoes?

What Ms. Cupp neglected to mention was that one night on Fox, when Dr. Carson was supposed to debate some issue or other with Jesse Jackson, he spent the first few minutes praising Jackson as a great civil rights leader. No mention of Jackson’s being a world-class adulterer and extortionist.

A reader, taking notice of the fact that, even when praising the religiously oriented, I tend to mention I am secular, wondered if I was agnostic or atheistic. I replied that I tend to be repulsed by those whose sole mission in life is to deny God’s existence, and who then take the next step and deride those who are believers.

For my part, I would like to believe that God exists and, if so, how He sees His role. As I understand it, in the old days, He seemed to take an active part in human affairs. At times, He flooded the earth, He destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, He turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, He parted the sea, He passed along the 10 Commandments, etc., etc. But He seemed to lose interest along the way, and who can blame Him? So I am left to question if He truly exists and, if so, whether His patience has simply run out and He has decided give up on us in pursuit of other interests, the way a child will eventually lose interest even in the toy he believed he couldn’t live without.

One major fact that emerged from the events in Ferguson, MO, was that all of the black witnesses who initially claimed that Michael Brown had his arms raised in surrender when Officer Darren Wilson shot him later recanted their testimony. When asked why they had lied in the first place, they said they felt intimidated if they didn’t promote the false narrative. Frankly, I don’t blame them.

When you see the amount of violence blacks commit at every resort area they visit on Spring Break – and that’s when they’re having fun! – you can easily imagine how frightened their neighbors must be of young, well-armed, black thugs, who are no more reluctant to kill other blacks than Shiites are to kill Sunnis.

Recently, I have made fun of people who spend their lives critiquing such things as music and art. After all, we are all prone to say something along the lines of, “I may not know what art is, but I know what I like.” And when you do that, the professional critic will dismiss you as an ignoramus, if not a barbarian.

But as far back as 1958, I found myself wondering how it was decided at the International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition that a 23-year-old from Texas named Harvey Lavan Cliburn was the greatest pianist in the world. But the judgment call was made and, calling himself Van Cliburn, he went on to enjoy a great career playing to packed concert halls and for every president until he passed away in 2013.

But what about the guy who came in second? Was he really inferior to Cliburn? It was a question I found myself wondering about for several years. Then one day, I had occasion to interview classical violinist Itzhak Perlman. Perlman, who was born in Tel Aviv, in 1945, developed polio at the age of four. He recovered, but walks with crutches, and went on to perform while sitting down.

I asked him, a world-renowned soloist, if he can tell fellow soloists apart if he’s not looking at them, but merely by their technique. He said he often could, but one day while riding in a car he heard a violinist on the radio. He recognized that the fellow was quite good, but he had no idea who it was until the piece ended and the violinist was identified as…Itzhak Perlman.

I felt myself vindicated. But, then, as you may have noticed, I usually do.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Deciphering the News

It is still a year and a half until we elect the next president, but if there is one message I would like to convey to every Republican candidate, it is to stop worrying about what the liberal media says about you.

I know that is asking the near-impossible because every last one of the schlimiels insists on reading the NY Times and the Washington Post every morning, and assumes that everybody else in the country has the same nasty habit. But consider that both papers are the equivalent of Tass and Pravda, but instead of being propagandists for Stalin and the Russian Comintern, they carry the water for the Democrats.

In spite of a corrupt media, the Republicans have won the lion’s share of Senate, House and gubernatorial, elections over the past five years. What’s more, in spite of all the sky-is-falling alarms after the government shutdown in October, 2013, a scant 13 months later, the GOP added nine Senate seats and another dozen in the House.

As Newt Gingrich has shown in the past, confronting the media can be a winning tactic for a Republican. The problem for Gingrich was that he overdid it, and then had nothing else to fall back on, or to serve as a counterweight to all his bilious personal baggage.

One way to look at all of the extensions in the negotiating talks with Iran, is that they are -- like all the earlier red lines in the sand -- drawn in Obama’s favorite brand of invisible ink. A second possibility is that Obama simply prefers keeping the horse-faced Kerry out of his sight line.

One remaining mystery is who managed to convince Kerry that it’s a tradition to pack a gnome whenever traveling to Switzerland, and the only one at hand was Energy Secretary Ernest Moniz, the long-haired midget constantly seated to Kerry’s left at the table in Lausanne. I have no idea what the Iranians make of Moniz. But if he’s not the mascot, but is actually a member of our negotiating team, they would logically assume they have nothing to worry about.

Back in Indiana, it’s God-fearing Christians who are being bullied, as usual. Just like jihadists, homosexuals are always at their best attacking soft targets. For instance, here in California, when Proposition 8, which declared marriage to be the union of one man and one woman, was on the ballot, the breakdown among white voters was roughly 50-50, and it was only because an overwhelming percentage of blacks voted for it that it passed.

In the aftermath, however, gays displayed their rage by demonstrating at white churches because they knew that if they started trouble at black churches, the congregants would hand them their heads on a platter.

So it is in Indiana. Because the legislature dared to suggest that observant Christians at least had a legal basis for refusing to offer their wares and services for same-sex weddings, the gays and their hypocritical supporters lowered the boom on the Hoosier state.

Now if it were a Muslim merchant refusing to sell the gays a wedding cake or objecting to cater an Easter dinner, do you think for a second the gays would dare take to the barricades?

For that matter, the gays welcomed corporations such as Apple and Walmart to the free-for-all, even though they both do an enormous amount of business in countries where being a homosexual means imprisonment or death.

Then there was Gov. Andrew Cuomo showing his solidarity with gays by announcing that no New York state employee would be allowed to visit Indiana on official business. In the meantime, this paragon of virtue was taking off for Cuba, where homosexuality is a felony. But, then, when hasn’t a Democrat preferred Communist despots to Republican governors?

But consistency is never required of those on the Left. So in spite of the fact that the late Sen. Robert Packwood was notorious for groping his female staffers, he continued to be supported by the ladies of NOW for no other reason than that he could be relied on to vote for federal funding for abortions.

Today, we have Hillary Clinton receiving standing ovations from the bimbos at Emily’s List, even though everyone knows that the Clinton Foundation constantly accepts contributions (bribes) from any number of nations that abuse women in the name of Islam.

Speaking of bimbos, when Patricia Arquette took the opportunity at the Oscars to condemn Hollywood for paying actresses less than actors, every woman at the Kodak Theater gave her a standing ovation. So I decided to do a little research.

It seems that until the late 1930s, five or six of the 10 biggest grossing stars each year were female. As a result, actresses such as Mary Pickford, Joan Crawford, Marie Dressler, Norma Shearer, Janet Gaynor, Ruby Keeler, Shirley Temple and Greta Garbo, were among the best-paid stars in Hollywood.

But actors then began to dominate at the box office with the likes of John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Alan Ladd, William Powell, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart, Bob Hope, Marlon Brando, Bing Crosby, Tyrone Power, William Holden, Harrison Ford and Clint Eastwood, and they kept dominating.

There are occasionally actresses who show up among the top 10 box office champs – people like Betty Grable, Barbra Streisand, Demi Moore, Sandra Dee, Elizabeth Taylor, Doris Day, Susan Hayward, Jane Fonda, Julie Andrews, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Sondra Bullock, Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie – but they don’t often stay there for more than a few years. And in some years, such as 1957, 1983 and 2006-2007, there wasn’t a single actress among the top 10 moneymakers.

But that didn’t stop the ladies from getting up on their hind legs and applauding the drivel uttered by Ms. Arquette, who would have you believe that Hollywood is run by misogynists who care less about making money than they do with keeping women in their place.

As you must have heard, for no other reason than that he parted company with Obama over Cuba and Iran, Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) has been indicted on a bunch of cocked-up corruption charges. I have no doubt that he will eventually be exonerated, but by that time, like Alaska’s late Sen. Ted Stevens, who underwent an equally outrageous persecution, his political career will be left in tatters.

When Harry Reid was recently asked if he regretted lying in 2012 about Mitt Romney’s not paying twelve years of taxes, he shrugged, smirked and said, “Well, he didn’t win, did he?” Not a nice way for one Mormon to treat another.

The voters in Nevada must be equally proud of themselves. After all, they spent 30 years electing and re-electing the lap dog of unions and casino owners. In his younger days, I’m reminded, Harry was an amateur boxer. One has to suspect that even then, his fighting style relied on kidney punches and low blows.

As the saga over Mrs. Clinton’s vanishing emails continues, I find myself wondering where are Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden when you really need them?

Finally, a news flash: Tel Aviv, Haifa and Jerusalem, have been nuked. In other news, John Kerry says he feels confident that negotiations with Iran “are headed in the right direction.”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Monday, April 13, 2015

Rand Paul: Too Little, Too Late

Politicians have even found a way to make presidential races boring. As you may have noticed, nobody ever just says, “I’m running.” First they have to announce they’re forming an exploratory committee, meaning they’re not only calling everyone they’ve ever laid eyes on, hoping they’ll cough up a few bucks, but haranguing the rest of us suckers.

Next they announce that they’ll make an announcement in a month. Then the day before the month is up, they announce their decision is coming tomorrow. Finally, the big day arrives, the politician shows up at a venue where nobody is likely to throw a ripe tomato in his direction and admits that after checking with his wife, kids, God and, most importantly, the guy in charge of collecting campaign funds, he has decided to do us all a favor by running for, if not the best job in the world, at least the job with the very best perks.

So it was that Sen. Rand Paul finally told us that he is, indeed, sure enough, no kidding, aiming to run. Had he checked with me, I would have told him he’s wasting his time. For one thing, the 2016 election is going to revolve around foreign affairs, mainly because Obama has done an even worse job there than he has domestically, and Sen Paul, although he has tried to adjust his sails accordingly, has a wishy-washy record in that area.

But perhaps even worse for Kentucky’s junior senator is the fact that he’s not even the 5-foot-8 he claims to be. He’s like a guy who’s 5-foot-10 and claims to be a six-footer. Understand, I’m short, so I’m not piling on. It’s just that American voters don’t like their presidents to look like they’re standing in a hole when they’re facing off with their fellow debaters, let alone foreign leaders. Going eye-to-eye is one thing, but going eye-to-chin will never do.

Having said that I believe that foreign affairs – specifically dealing with radical Islam, whether it calls itself al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, Boko Haram, ISIS or the Taliban – will be the foremost issue in 2016, I have decided it just might be time for America to once again look to its military for leadership. If so, I can’t think of a better man than Lt. General Mike Flynn (ret.), the former director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. He’s smart, he’s tough and he’s not reluctant to call the Islamic scum by their real name, which just happens to be Islamic scum.

In short, he is everything Obama isn’t. Every day in every way, Obama does or says something that should embarrass every American. I mean, how can anyone continue to defend and support a man who says, in regards to the deal he is trying to push with Iran: “What we will be doing even as we enter into this agreement is send a very clear message to the Iranians and to the entire world that if anybody messes with Israel, America will be there,” when we all know he despises Benjamin Netanyahu and has utter contempt for the Jewish nation.

If he had an ounce of honesty, he would have actually concluded the statement by saying “…if anybody messes with Israel, it will be America.”

But when it comes to any religion aside from Islam, Obama can be counted on to add fuel to the fire. He made his position clear on Christianity seven years ago when he dismissed evangelicals to a covey of wealthy San Francisco creeps “as those people who cling to their guns and their religion,” at one fell swoop deriding the first two amendments of the Constitution.

Then, earlier this year, at the annual Prayer Breakfast, he told Christians to get off their high horse when it comes to Muslims, pointing out that there was a lot of blood-letting during the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition, ignoring the rather obvious fact that there’s a whale of a difference between Muslims butchering Christians today and Christians misbehaving several centuries ago. To use Obama’s favorite word, Christians have clearly evolved over the years and, if anything, Muslims have only gotten worse.

Next, proving that he meant what he said, Obama took advantage of an Easter Prayer Breakfast held on the Tuesday after Easter (presumably because he had a golf date on Sunday), to announce that he is deeply troubled when he hears “less than loving comments from Christians.” It is widely assumed that he was referring to the pushback by those who feel their religious freedoms are being systematically violated by a president who obviously believes that the whims of homosexuals trump the First Amendment rights of devout Christians.

It should be said there is a certain consistency to Obama’s madness. For at the same time that Obama refuses to even call Islamic barbarians “Islamic,” he refuses to identify the Christians being murdered in Libya, Iraq, Yemen and Kenya, by their religion. In his dementia, he no doubt regards that as being even-handed.

The fact, though, is that the mainstream media is even worse than Obama. I base that on the fact that they will still be around after January 20, 2017, lying and providing cover for anything the Democrats do or say. One example of the left-wing Munchkins doing what they do best was the way they refused to even report that when then Majority Leader of the Senate Harry Reid was questioned about lying in 2012, claiming that Mitt Romney hadn’t paid his taxes in over a decade, he simply smirked and said, “Well, he didn’t win, did he?”

Yet another example was when Barack Obama traded five high-ranking jihadists for one Army deserter, insisting America brings home its military veterans. Nobody from the NY Times or the major TV networks, you might have noticed, asked why in that case, had he let Marine Andrew Tahmooressi rot in a Mexican jail for months on end and why, prior to even negotiating with Javad Zarif, he didn’t insist that Iran immediately release imprisoned Marine veteran Amir Hakmati and Christian pastor Saeed Abadino.

But the tragic fact is that nobody seriously believes that Obama cares for members of the American military or Christian clerics any more than the Ayatollah Khamenei does.

Finally, a reader wrote to me wondering why virtually anyone who’s anyone in Hollywood appears to be a liberal. I replied, “There are a number of reasons. Partly it’s their parents. Liberals, after all, begat liberals. Partly it’s the media. Partly it’s the public schools and colleges. Partly, of course, it’s their friends and colleagues.

“Mainly, though, it’s all that, plus they live in a bubble in which everyone around them thinks and acts the same way. Like juveniles who all dress identically and who all stick shiny metal objects in their cheeks, noses and tongues, they’re convinced they’re striking a blow for individualism.

“An additional factor is that a great many of the most influential people in Hollywood come from five of the blocs that form the base of the Democratic Party; namely, Jews, single women, blacks, wealthy environmentalists and homosexuals.

“But does anyone really believe that 99.9% of those running the business actually came to Hollywood with their brains deposited in their posteriors? Of course not. But they quickly came to understand that if they didn’t fall into political lockstep, particularly on so-called social issues, they might as well catch the first Greyhound bus back to Kansas, Texas and South Carolina.

“After a while, they become totally acclimated to their new environment and can barely breathe outside the bubble of liberalism; at which point, they become full-fledged zombies and have SAG, DGA and WGA cards to prove it!”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Saturday, April 11, 2015

Carter, Obama & Iran

Although it is commonly accepted that Obama is the worst president in American history, having wrested the title out of Jimmy Carter’s clammy grasp, we shouldn’t be too quick to overlook the damage Carter did. By deciding that the Shah of Iran was a bad guy who didn’t deserve our support, Carter rolled out the red carpet for the Islamic revolutionaries who have spent the past few decades fomenting trouble for the world.

One of the first things the Iranians did under the vile leadership of the Ayatollah Khomeini was to take American diplomats hostage, holding 52 of them for 444 days until the day that Ronald Reagan took office. Then, realizing that they were now facing a man with a backbone, they released the 52 on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 1981.

Today, the Iranians are facing yet another spineless wonder, and they’re taking full advantage of that fact. They tell John Kerry they won’t turn off their centrifuges and he says okay. They say they won’t send their enriched uranium to Russia (and isn’t that a brilliant idea?) and Kerry says okay. They say that if we impose sanctions, they’ll walk away from the table, even though it was the sanctions that brought them to Switzerland in the first place, and Kerry, taking his cue from Obama, says he doesn’t blame them.

And what do the Democrats say? Naturally, they back their glorious leader. How dare we impose sanctions on the number one sponsor of terrorism in the world! Next those crazy Republicans will be suggesting we go to war with Iran before the Ayatollah has a nuclear arsenal at his disposal, making it a fair fight!

Some people wonder why Obama is so conciliatory towards Iran. I’m not one of those people. That’s because I have been on enough school playgrounds to know that there’s always a bully around. But they are never alone. They are always surrounded by a pack of sniveling, boot-licking lackeys who can always be counted upon to cheer him on whenever he decides to bloody some smaller kid’s nose, grateful that it’s not their nose.

One of those schoolyard cowards would have been young Obama. Some things never change. So long as Iran doesn’t nuke him, he’s happy to let them bully Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria, the UAE, Yemen, Iraq and Israel.

What’s more, Obama thinks that no matter how lousy a deal he makes with Iran, it will give historians a peg upon which to declare him a peace lover in a league with Jesus, Gandhi and Martin Luther King, although he would more closely resemble Vidkun Quisling, Neville Chamberlain and Jimmy Carter.

As for John Kerry, his hunger for a deal, any deal, lies in the fact that he understands it would guarantee that, he, like Al Gore, Le Duc Tho, Yasser Arafat, Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama, would be a Nobel Peace Prize recipient.

In other news, inasmuch as Andreas Lubitz was apparently suffering from suicidal depression and also going blind, you have to wonder whether Lufthansa would draw the line at hiring a pilot who had Ebola, was afraid of heights or was too short to see through the window.

In Indiana, liberals and gays have once again banded together to take on civility and commonsense. If I were a florist or a baker, I wouldn’t turn away any business. But it seems to me that if merchants are allowed to turn away customers because they’re not wearing shoes or shirts, those with religious convictions should be allowed to deny their wares or services to same-sex fiancés.

Those who contend that it smacks of Jim Crow are forgetting that under that vile system, it was state-sanctioned bigotry targeting those of a specific race. Even if café and drugstore owners wished to serve lunch to blacks, they were prevented from doing so. That’s a far cry from those whose convictions prevent their taking any part in a wedding service they find religiously objectionable.

It’s not as if there aren’t bakers or florists or wedding photographers who have no such compunctions. So why are homosexuals encouraged to target Christians who are willing to place their principles ahead of profits?

It is particularly offensive when a huge corporation such as Apple, which happily does business in China and various cesspools in the Middle East, pretends to give a damn if homosexuals can buy their nosegays and wedding cakes from those who don’t wish to sell them. When is the last time Apple gave two figs about anything but their bottom line?

My advice is that the citizens of Indiana and anyone else who believes religious freedom trumps the petty demands of a few sexual oddballs should alert the folks at Apple, Suburu, NASCAR, Marriott, Walmart, the NBA, and all the other corporate bullies pretending to be holier-than-the Hoosiers that boycotts work in both directions.

Although the Supreme Court hasn’t yet decided that same-sex marriages, a screwball notion if I’ve ever heard one, should be granted constitutional status, the justices weren’t too busy to side with the high school administrators who sent home four students for daring to wear American flag shirts. Their rationale was that to have done otherwise might have incited Hispanic students to violence. I guess kowtowing to bullies is more widespread than even I imagined.

If I had been the principal at the high school, I would have gone on the P.A. system and announced (in English) that any Hispanic who was so deeply offended at the sight of an American flag was free to leave both the high school and the country, but the police would be on campus and would be arresting troublemakers.

When you see the way that Hillary Clinton blatantly flouts the law when it comes to her email, I can only imagine that Richard (“Sock it to me”) Nixon must be looking on and shaking his head, muttering: “I couldn’t even get away with concealing 18 ½ minutes of tape, and this one erases over 30,000 emails and the Democrats can’t wait to commence the coronation ceremony.”

My friend Shirley Maikoski is concerned that Trey Gowdy and the other Republicans investigating Mrs. Clinton might be moving a tad too quickly. She wants them to drag things out past Inauguration Day in 2017 so that Obama can’t pardon her, the way that Bill Clinton spent his last day in office, pardoning financial fugitive Marc Rich; his half-brother Roger, who was convicted on cocaine charges; and Susan McDougal, who took the hit for Whitewater; along with 137 other convicted felons.

When I urge that the United States be cured of its political schizophrenia by being divided into two separate nations, I have historical precedence on my side. In 1947, Pakistan was partitioned off from India. I contend that the Muslims and the Hindus, in spite of their historical hatred of one another, had more in common than liberals and conservatives have in 2015 America.

Finally, thanks to Megyn Kelly’s constantly rolling out Mark Hannah and Kirsten Powers, I have begun exhibiting flu symptoms. As a result, my doctor has warned me I have to cut my viewing hours way down. It seems I am regularly exceeding my monthly quota of smugness.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Compromise is Not an Option

Irealize that there are actually some people outside John McCain’s immediate family who regard him as a statesman. They've come to that silly conclusion based on the fact that he loved adding his name to legislation proposed by the abominable likes of Russ Feingold and Ted Kennedy. He referred to it as reaching across the aisle, no doubt picturing himself as God on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, reaching down from a heavenly cloud to give life to Adam.

Unfortunately, as biologist Richard Dawkins has observed, “When two opposite points of view are expressed with equal intensity, the truth does not necessarily lie halfway between them. It is possible one side is simply wrong.”

These days, that’s not just possible, it’s just about guaranteed, which is why people like Mitch McConnell and John Boehner shouldn’t even think about accommodating Democrats. It’s a poker game with marked cards, and the Republicans will not only lose their shirts, pants and underwear, but they will be written off as traitors by those who elected them.

Heck, even I would like to pass myself off as open-minded by occasionally being able to agree with liberals about something, about anything. But whether the topic is the criminal justice system, affirmative action, gun control, taxes, labor unions, energy, education, the FCC, the EPA, Vladimir Putin, ISIS, Israel or Iran, they are simply wrong on every issue. As a result, the only way I could pass myself off as fair-minded would be to prove that I, too, am certifiably insane.

Or, as Barry Goldwater summed it up half a century ago: “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice and moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.” But even back then, the liberals were able to spin those words into something vile, as if they had been spoken by Adolf Hitler or Benito Mussolini.

If you’ve been paying attention to world affairs recently, you will notice a great many leaders on the world stage who seem to be taunting the American voter, reminding us that we really didn’t have to settle for Barack Obama. First and foremost, there was Benjamin Netanyahu addressing Congress and showing us what a real man looks and sounds like. And in case we may have forgotten, that would be a leader who doesn’t hide behind professional liars like Jen Psaki, Marie Harf and Josh Earnest, and who doesn’t limit his interviews to late night comics, partisan hacks or the ludicrous likes of GloZell Green and her tub of Froot Loops.

But there was also President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, a Muslim, confronting an assembly of Egyptian mullahs, and challenging them to speak out against the butchers whom we’re always being told have hijacked true Islam.

Even the president of Afghanistan, Ashraf Ghani Ahmadtzai, on his recent visit to Washington, expressed gratitude to America for not only the sacrifices of the military, but those of the American taxpayer, on behalf of his nation. One can play the cynic and point out he was over here begging that 9,800 American soldiers be left in Afghanistan to help him ward off the Taliban. But nobody in public life is as cynical as Barack Obama, and I have never heard him sound the slightest bit sincere when praising the military and, God knows, he has never thanked the millions of us he has saddled with an additional eight trillion dollars of debt.

Speaking of liars, do you think by this time that Susan Rice tosses and turns at night, wondering what she’ll next be required to lie about. First, she took one for the team by going out on five Sunday morning news shows to lie about a video being the cause of the Benghazi massacre. Then she had to choke back the bile and insist that Bowe Bergdahl had “served with honor and distinction” in Afghanistan. What’s next for poor Susie? Will she be called upon to assure Michelle Obama that the new dress doesn’t make her butt look big?

In other news, Rep. Aaron Schock has been forced to resign from Congress over a series of financial misdeeds. I was not the least bit surprised once I discovered that Schock, a Republican from Illinois, was given to posing bare chested for photos in order to show off his six-pack abs. Back when Anthony Weiner first got into trouble and I discovered that he also had photogenic abs, I immediately knew the bum was guilty of something disgustingly tacky.

Politicians are a scurvy bunch at the best of times, but when you come across those who look like they’d be at home on the covers of gay magazines, you know they’ve been spending way too much time in the House gym and probably in the House showers.

Please write this down so you don’t forget it: Politicians are supposed to look like Charles Rangel or Charles Schumer and never like Charles Atlas.

Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the results of the latest Prelutsky Poll, which asked you to name your favorite and least favorite radio talk show host.

There were a few surprises. Perhaps the biggest one was how many people are hosting these shows. In all, there were 26 favorites and 29 least favorites. Of the 26, 14 received only a single vote; of the 29, 18 received just the one vote. So if you happened to mention any of those 32, I can assure you I wrote their name down, but I was the only person besides you who did. I suspect those were hosts who lacked the notoriety that goes with national syndication.

The resounding favorite of the 292 voters was Rush Limbaugh, with 98 votes. He was followed by Mark Levin, 60; Dennis Prager, 36; Mark Steyn, 16; Michael Savage, 16; and Laura Ingraham, 14. Those who received four votes were Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Lars Larsen, Michael Medved, Hugh Hewitt and Andrew Wilkow.

The lead for the least favorite host went back and forth between Sean Hannity and Michael Savage, but in the end Hannity edged out Savage 66-58. Alan Colmes came in third with 22 votes; followed by Glenn Beck, 20; Mark Levin, 18; Rush Limbaugh, 14; Mike Gallagher, 10; Bill Handel, 8; Hugh Hewitt, 6; Laura Ingraham and Dennis Miller, three each.

Recently, in my constant pursuit of the truth about charities, I urged dog lovers to forget about ever donating to the Humane Society of the United States, which is so corrupt, the Justice Department should be pursuing an indictment, and probably would be if Eric Holder weren’t otherwise occupied waging war on America’s police departments.

I suggested that donations should be sent to Paws and Stripes, which trains service dogs for our injured veterans. Another deserving group is the Guide Dog Foundation for the Blind.

Finally, I had so much fun mimicking “Dear Abby” in a recent article that it occurred to me I could do it on a regular basis if my readers would ask me leading questions. So if you care to take part, send your question to me at Just alert me by typing “Dear Burt” in the subject line, and let me know if you wish to be identified by name if I use your question or if you prefer to remain anonymous and have me refer to you as Puzzled in Pennsylvania or Anxious in Alaska, the way Abigail Van Buren handled it for all those years.

Final note: You needn’t limit your queries to politics. There is, after all, no subject about which I lack an opinion, no matter how misguided it may be.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Monday, April 6, 2015

How Do Liberals Get That Way?

There are so many things wrong with liberals, it’s difficult to know where to begin. For instance, how is it they think so highly of themselves while at the same time thinking so little of America?

Liberals like to boast that they care about blacks, illegal aliens and the poor, here at home, and about Palestinians in the Middle East. But why? By and large, blacks despise whites. Moreover, it’s blacks who commit an overabundance of violent crime in this country, so why coddle them? For their part, illegal aliens have no business even being here. The only reason we have to concern ourselves with them is because they broke our law and took cuts in front of all the other people around the world trying to get here in accordance with the rules.

When it comes to the poor in this country, they are nearly always those who spurned education in favor of drugs, crime, welfare and having babies out of wedlock. For their part, the Palestinians, who have given nothing to the world, and have actually chosen to be governed by terrorists don’t believe in any of the things that liberals claim to cherish, such as free speech, religious tolerance and women’s rights. In addition, in their constant war with Israel -- a western style democracy that not only extends equal rights to women and gays, but to its own Arab population – the Palestinians intentionally fire missiles at Jewish civilians while using their own women and children as hostages.

I might understand it if liberals merely conned themselves into believing they are nicer and more compassionate than conservatives, if only because they’ve claimed it for so long, it would be a miracle if by this time they didn’t accept it on faith. But studies have shown that they contribute less time and money to charity than those they demean as cruel and heartless.

What I don’t get is how they’ve managed to convince themselves they’re more intelligent than the rest of us. These people are so dumb they actually fall for every hoax that comes down the pike. The first of these was global warming. But when Mother Nature refused to play along, they renamed it climate change, to explain why the weather was different today than it was yesterday and how, if left unchecked, it would inevitably lead to the end of the world.

Another hoax was the one that purported to provide proof that Bill Clinton was the most intelligent president ever, and his wife was the smartest woman in the universe. Based on the fact that Bill couldn’t even conceal a tawdry little affair with a staffer and that the missus can’t say three words without putting her foot in her mouth four times, it’s rather preposterous to insist they have IQs in the 180s. Cartoonist Steve Kelley recently summed up their disgusting combination of stupidity and arrogance by showing them seated in a restaurant, with her complaining, “I don’t get it…we’ve been here half an hour and haven’t even seen a waiter yet.” The tuxedoed manager replies: “Sorry, Mrs. Clinton. We assumed you brought your own server.”

But, then, how does a party that includes the moronic likes of Barbara Boxer, Al Franken, Patty Murray, Nancy Pelosi, Jim McDermott, Sheila Jackson Lee, Bernie Sanders, Elijah Cummings, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Alan Grayson, Luis Gutierrez and Hank Johnson, get off claiming to have a monopoly on brains?

Speaking of ignorant, Barack Obama has such a limited and naïve take on Israeli politics that he apparently believed that if the Likud Party had been defeated by the Zionist Union Party, Isaac Herzog would have been any more willing than Bibi Netanyahu to make a suicidal two-state deal with those sworn to exterminate the Jews. Just because Obama is dying to cut a deal, no matter how rotten, with Iran, it doesn’t mean that other world leaders are as dangerously gullible.

Obama sees Iran joining with Iraq to fight ISIS and seems to think that makes the mullahs our allies, ignoring the fact that if a nation can be said to have a mantra, Iran’s is “Death to America.”

But, then, there is presidential precedence for such foolishness. Roosevelt apparently mistook the Soviet Union’s joining with us to fight Nazi Germany as proof of Stalin’s good intentions, ignoring the fact that Hitler had broken his mutual defense pact with Stalin by invading the Soviet Union. But then, FDR also turned a deaf ear to Winston Churchill’s warning, not unlike the one Netanyahu delivered to Congress, that the enemy of your enemy is not necessarily your friend.

When I recently read that blacks have 74 cases of diabetes per 1,000, as opposed to just 36 cases per 1,000 for whites, I pictured Obama, Holder and Sharpton, absorbing those statistics and agreeing it proved that that in America even the diseases are racist.

Meanwhile, In Japan, Burger King’s customers can now buy hamburger-scented cologne for $40 a bottle. You might think that’s pretty pricey for a side order, but if you think about it, it’s actually a bargain if you’re looking to have every dog in Tokyo follow you home.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?


Friday, April 3, 2015

Vanity & Venality

Recently, there was an event held in Washington, D.C., for the purpose of honoring excellence in American journalism. (Stop laughing, I’m being serious.) And what’s more, the keynote address was delivered by Hillary Clinton, who was clearly looking to curry favor by saying – with a straight face, apparently – “We need more than ever smart, fair-minded journalists to challenge our assumptions, push us towards new solutions, and hold all of us accountable.”

Then, in spite of the fact that she refused to answer any questions, the assemblage gave her a standing ovation. Only in Washington could a candidate for president pretend to mean such utter hogwash and a group of 300 left-wing propagandists pretend to believe she meant it.

On her way out the door, Mrs. Clinton rubbed their little pink bellies and handed out doggy treats.

Although I am quick to criticize Mrs. Clinton, I am only too happy to acknowledge that she possesses more testosterone in her little finger than the GOP’s congressional leaders have in their entire bodies.

One thing I would like to point out, however, is that when polls pit Mrs. Clinton against various potential 2016 opponents and shows her leading them by anywhere from 10-15%, it would be wise to keep in mind that whereas she has her party’s nomination all but sewn up, most of the Republicans haven’t even tossed their hats in the ring. Therefore, most Republican voters aren’t even sure at this point whether they favor Walker or Bush, Cruz or Paul, Rubio or Fiorina. The party is still more than a year away from selecting a nominee, but I can assure you that once that’s been decided, Hillary Clinton is unlikely to lead in the polls.

For one thing, Obama will leave the White House under a far darker cloud than did George W. Bush. That means Hillary will have to run against his policies, which will turn off Obama’s greatest admirers, especially among blacks. On the other hand, if she adopts his anti-Israel policies, she will turn off a sizable number of wealthy Jews. If she veers in the opposite direction, she will antagonize an even larger number of liberal Jews.

As a woman pushing 70, she will hardly be attractive to young voters. As someone who has already spent eight years in the White House, she won’t have the advantage of running as either a newcomer or a Washington outsider. And with all of that, she will also be toting more baggage than a team of bellhops.

Speaking of Jewish voters, if there is one question readers ask me more than any other, it’s why do so many Jews insist on voting almost exactly like those with whom they seemingly have so little in common; namely blacks and Hispanics. The answer is both simple and complicated.

Being secular myself, I feel a little strange casting stones at those who are Jews in Name Only (JINOs), although it might be more appropriate to say in names only. After all, if they didn’t have names like Goldstein, Rosenberg and, well, Prelutsky, you’d have no other way of knowing they’re Jewish. A great many of them don’t even side with Israel in its endless conflict with those dedicated to completing the job begun 80 years ago by Adolf Hitler.

The sad fact is that a large percentage of these schmucks, particularly those to be found in the ranks of students or professors on our college campuses, regard Israel as a greater threat to world peace than Russia, China, North Korea or Iran.

Frankly, it would help clarify things if those who are JINOs only because their great-grandparents were religiously observant and refused to change the family name to Green, Perry or Burns, when they landed at Ellis Island, would simply call themselves liberals and stop modifying it with “Jewish.”

Speaking of related matters, when Bernard Goldberg dumped me from his blog because he felt I sometimes went too far when being critical of gays, urban blacks and Muslims, I felt he was entirely within his rights. I still do. However, replacing me with a guy like Pat Buchanan, who hates Jews and Israel nearly as much as Barack Obama, really cuts me to the quick. I guess this must be how it feels to be a loyal wife of many years who wakes up one day to find she’s been abandoned for a gum-popping bimbo.

Finally, I understand that vanity is supposed to be something of a character flaw, but if it is, it is obviously one that is shared by nearly every member of the human race. That is particularly true for those involved in the visual arts, the men and women whose faces and bodies are their key to fame and fortune.

That is why I am always so delighted when any of those who earn their keep in front of a camera can candidly and wittily sum up their own shortcomings. Two such that come to mind are Martin Clunes (star of the English TV series “Doc Martin”), who described himself as possessing “jug ears and child-bearing lips;” and the inimitable Joyce Grenfell, a toothy English actress and monologist, who owned up to being “about eight feet tall with a face that looks like a reflection in a spoon.”

For my part, I recently received a photo of myself from a friend, and complained, “It’s a terrible picture…it looks just like me!”

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?