It goes without saying, though I’ll say it nevertheless, that it takes an enormous ego to imagine oneself the president of the United States. Imagine waking up one morning and deciding that nobody in a nation of 320 million is better suited to be the most powerful man or woman in the world; or, if not the world, at least in the United States.
Cartoons used to be filled with little guys wearing bicorne hats, with their right arms stuck inside their vests, and we knew that the joke had something to do with crazy people laboring under the delusion they were Napoleon Bonaparte. Today, those crazy people are all seeking the presidency.
Although we’ve seen plenty of egotists duking it out over the years -- Lincoln and Douglas, Wilson and Teddy Roosevelt, FDR and Wendell Willkie, Kennedy and Nixon -- I think they would all pale compared to a clash of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. To be fair, Trump at least has a bunch of tall buildings and golf courses on his resume, whereas all that Mrs. Clinton can point to is a marriage license.
If there wasn’t a chance that Hillary Clinton could wind up in the Oval Office, it would actually be very comical watching her try to shake off the email scandal the way a dog tries to shake water off itself. Even she must know how silly it is to suggest that the F.B.I., the New York Times, a couple of inspector generals, Obama’s highly partisan Justice Department and liberal icon Bob Woodward, are all a part of the vast right-wing conspiracy out to sink her candidacy.
♦ I used to complain that Iowa had no business playing such an instrumental role at election time. That still holds true because Iowa remains one of the least representative states in the Union. The least representative, of course, is New Hampshire, both in terms of size and demographics.
But these days I have a more tolerant attitude because I’m getting such a kick out of watching all the candidates showing up, trying to pretend they grew up milking cows and tossing around cow pies. I’ve even seen Scott Walker and Carly Fiorina showing up at the State Fair wearing their very first pairs of blue jeans.
But so far nothing beats Hillary Clinton munching on some revolting item called a pork chop on-a-stick. I’m sure there must be worst-sounding foods, but unless it’s a monkey burger, I can’t imagine what it might be.
The question is whether in the off-years, Iowans get along with standard fare like hot dogs, hamburgers and cotton candy, and if they only roll out the deep-fried Milky Ways and the chocolate covered chunky bacon maple nougat on-a-stick for laughs when the political hucksters roll into town.
♦ Proving itself to be the equivalent of a drunken sailor on leave, California passed the Clean Energy Jobs Act in 2012, which they swore would create 11,000 jobs-a-year for the foreseeable future. In the three years since it was passed, 1,700 jobs have been created. But when things are being run by the likes of Jerry Brown and his trained fleas in Sacramento, promising 11,000 jobs-a-year and coming up with 567 is what we in California have learned to call a darn good try.
♦ When it comes to offering sanctuary to illegal aliens, California takes a backseat to nobody. As if the reality weren’t bad enough, those responsible for the madness continue to tell us that open borders are not only humane, but a financial boon for America. How can it be humane that illegal aliens are stealing jobs from American citizens? But when you realize that $338 billion a year is squandered by the feds and the states providing welfare, education and incarceration, for untold millions, it is even harder to spot the financial bonanza.
When you factor in the emotional cost of the murders, rapes and child molestations, committed by many of these interlopers, the big lie becomes even more apparent and far more tragic.
The 14th Amendment was ratified in 1868 for the purpose of granting legal status to ex-slaves who were brought to America against their will. It has required generations of half-witted judges to decide it grants similar rights to the babies of women who snuck across our border to give birth. It would make as much sense if an illegal alien snuck into your home to deliver a baby and then argued that the kid, and therefore his parents, are entitled to take up permanent residence.
♦ The Smithsonian has seen fit to display a bust of Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood, in a place of honor. This is the same woman who popularized eugenics, making a staunch believer out of Adolf Hitler with her insistence that those whom she deemed unfit to reproduce -- namely, blacks, Jews and Italians -- should undergo mandatory sterilization.
The irony is that she is a hero to the Left, although if her plans had been carried out here in the States, no Democrat in the past 50 years would have been elected president.
♦ When people demonstrated in Poland, Hungary, Iran, Syria and China, it was to seek freedom from tyranny. In the United States, it’s nearly always the mob that takes to the streets, whether it was Chicago in 1968, L.A. in 1992, or Ferguson and Baltimore in the past year.
Other nations saw freedom fighters confront the Soviet, Chinese and Islamic, despots; here it’s the despots calling themselves Yippies, Occupy Wall Streeters or members of the Black Lives Matter movement, whose goal is nothing more than to create chaos, attack the police with impunity, and to turn the clock back on civilization.
In a sane world, these nitwits would be deep fried, stuck on sticks and served at the Iowa State Fair.
©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments? BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.