Monday, August 3, 2015

"Is-Lam is Lame" and "Beggars Shouldn't Be Choosers"

Barack Obama and John Kerry are taking bows for the deal they cut with Iran. I wonder how long it will take before they realize that being compared to Neville Chamberlain isn’t a compliment.

In an old joke, the president’s wife is asked: “Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?” Brought up to date, it would read: “But aside from Tel Aviv, Rome, London, Paris and New York, being nuked, President Obama, would you still insist it was a good deal?”

It is sometimes said about a deal that the Devil is in the details. In this instance, you will find the Devil on the signature lines.

The arrogance of this administration is that even at this late date, they are still sending Susan (“Pinocchio”) Rice out as their spokesperson. Have they never heard of the bromide: “Fool me nine times, shame on you. Fool me 10 times, shame on me”?

I know a lot of people think the explanation behind making the deal that had the Ayatollah dancing a jig in Tehran is that Obama is a Muslim who, for all his big talk, always intended to give Iran everything it wanted while demanding nothing, including the immediate release of American hostages, in return. But I respectfully disagree.

For one thing, Obama doesn’t attend services at a mosque. He doesn’t kneel down and pray to Mecca five times a day. He doesn’t observe Ramadan. He smokes, he drinks and I frankly believe he is a homosexual.

Besides, Democrats, some of them Catholic, some of them Jewish, some of them Protestants, very few of them Muslims, both in Congress and on the Supreme Court, support every item on his vile agenda.

What Obama is, I submit, is a corrupt black Chicago politician, who attended a racist, allegedly Christian, church for 20 years. He dislikes and distrusts white people, America and capitalism. So before I blame his odious behavior on his being a Muslim, you’d have to show me an inch of daylight between him and Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Al Gore, Dick Durbin, Harry Reid or George Soros, none of whom, I wager, has ever even read the Koran.

While it’s true that Obama refuses to confront Iran or ISIS, you may have noticed that he also avoids facing down Vladimir Putin, yet nobody ever suggests he’s a Russian, although clearly a Communist. He even let Putin know in 2012 that he’d be even more flexible after being re-elected. And sure enough, for once he was telling the truth, which is all Putin needed to know before invading Crimea.

As is the case with most liberals, the very notion of engaging in warfare makes Obama shake in his ballet slippers.

I wish the media would stop referring to jihadists like Mohammad Youssuf Abdulazeez as lone wolves. These guys, along with mass murderers Adam Lanza, James Holmes and Dylann Roof, are all as crazy as bedbugs, but they also happen to be nerds, twerps and punks. In their sick fantasies, they yearn to be called lone wolves, which makes them sound like the sort of ass-kicking heroes one has come to associate with Liam Neeson’s screen characters. Instead, we should refer to them as lone skunks, lone weasels and lone cockroaches.

Some people have asked me why I think so many American blacks have converted to Islam and taken part in savage attacks on behalf of ISIS. I believe there are two main reasons. One, Islamic clerics have free access to our prison population. Two, Islam encourages murder and rape of those they deem to be infidels. Therefore, it figures that those who have already exhibited violent behavior would be drawn to a belief system that rewards them with 72 virgins in Paradise rather than the 20 years-to-life they’d face in a civilized society.

When all else fails, the Democrats can always be counted on to demand a raising of the minimum wage, which they continue to justify by calling it a living wage, which it was never intended to be. The irony is that these days, a number of unskilled workers are requesting fewer hours because they don’t want to earn too much, lest they jeopardize the government assistance they receive. Ah, the joys of the welfare state! It’s a godsend if you’re the ones receiving the goodies; something else altogether if you’re the suckers working to provide them.

Speaking of lousy deals, LifeLock has been vowing to protect your personal data, including your Social Security number, your credit cards and your bank accounts, for years now. The one thing they have managed to keep under lock and key is the fact that in 2010, the Federal Trade Commissions and 35 states filed a judgment against the outfit, resulting in a ruling that they repay customers they failed to protect to the tune of $12 million.

It seems that the FTC is after them again for making false promises. Apparently, LifeLock does everything its commercials promise up to the time that someone in China gets around to swiping your data. It’s rather like a faulty parachute that works just fine until you decide to jump out of an airplane.

The irony, however, is that the feds came after LifeLock just a couple of weeks after we learned that hackers had swiped the personal information of 21 million Americans from federal computers. It’s just another reminder that people who work in marble buildings shouldn’t throw stones.

It leads me to suggest that over the portal of every government office building in Washington, D.C., they should engrave the words: “Do as I Say, Not as I Do.”

Because I take some delight in reading amusing epitaphs, I was disappointed to learn that W.C. Fields’ tombstone does not read “I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

However, sometimes people do rise to the occasion. Billy Wilder’s marker refers the reader to his fadeout line in “Some Like it Hot”: “I’m a writer, but then nobody’s perfect.” The marker of Wilder’s good friend consists of “Jack Lemmon In.”

Merv Griffin, alluding to his decades-long TV career, reports: “I will not be right back after this message.” Rodney Dangerfield acknowledged his loud and sweaty presence with “There goes the neighborhood.”

At this point, I am thinking that my farewell address will be “After a lifetime of punctuality, I’m finally late.” But God willing, I will have additional time to work on it.

In the meantime, I would like to invite all of you to submit your own final words. The only rule is 12 words or less and no additional commentary. After all, if it requires an explanation, you’re going to have to have a recorded message running 24/7 at your grave site.

I will report on the top 10 submissions. The deadline, as it were, is two days after you read this.

Beggars Shouldn't Be Choosers

The worst thing about our elections is that Democrats win far too often. But the reason they do is because millions of people are voting who, in a sane world, would be disenfranchised. I realize that sounds terribly elitist, but why should people who rely on government handouts rather than their own efforts be allowed to elect those whom they bribe with their votes?

Although I am as conservative as they come, I have no idea why we have a defense budget. For one thing, Obama refuses to even consider taking up arms against our existential enemies in the Middle East. For another thing, millions of Americans are quite willing to not only allow Iran to become a nuclear power, but only too happy to fork over $150 billion to help finance their worldwide terrorist activities. On top of all that, we have a Congress filled to the brim with Quislings who quake in their boots at the mere notion of going to war with the Ayatollah. So, what, really, is the point of having a military? It’s like paying good money not to have your appendix or your gall bladder removed, but in order to retain them.

Recently, a reader asked me why I thought our politicians, including George Bush and Barack Obama, have spent years paying lip service to Islam in spite of the fact that so much of the violence taking place around the world, as well as here in America, can be traced to Muslims. Because I don’t believe Obama is a Muslim any more than I thought Bush was, I believe it’s because they both think it makes them appear to be morally superior to the rest of us. I happen to think they’re mistaken, and that it makes them look criminally naive. But, then, feeling as I do about Islam, I have long suspected that the snake in the Garden of Eden not only lowered its head and prayed to Mecca five times a day, but also swore off pork and alcohol.

I don’t expect liberals to know anything about history, but it so happens that Japan attacked a single naval base and the U.S. went to war. Hitler invaded a single nation and Europe went to war. But the Muslims kill Christians, burn churches, butcher children, turn women into sex slaves, lop the heads off Spaniards, Brits, Frenchmen and Americans, and the West holds a conference at some luxurious resort!

Another reader asked me if I would defund the National Endowment of the Arts if I could. I told him I would do that a minute after defunding Planned Parenthood. As I see it, the government has no business subsidizing any artistic endeavor. For one thing, by supporting one artist and not another, it’s guilty of censorship, a power denied it by the First Amendment. For another thing, in a nation numbering 320 million and counting, if an artist can’t support himself, he doesn’t deserve a government subsidy, what he requires is vocational guidance.

Still another reader asked me why Obama can so easily reject anything Congress does or tries to do when the three branches of the federal government are allegedly co-equal. The reason is that the president is an individual who can be counted upon to always agree with himself, but there is no such unity of purpose in Congress. At least not on the Republican side of the aisle!

Besides, how can anyone think the executive and the legislative branches are equal when everyone is expected to stand up when the president enters a room, but only lobbyists leap to their feet when a senator or congressman strolls by?

When I’m not busy writing articles or replying to my readers, I will sometimes find the time to write a letter or send an email to people in the news. Recently, I had occasion to address Fox’s Bret Baier and Megyn Kelly, along with Cecile Richards, the president of Planned Parenthood.

“Dear Ms. Richards,” I wrote, “I realize that as a man, I’m not expected to have any say when it comes to abortions, but the question that inevitably comes to mind whenever the topic is raised is why they are still needed.

“After all, Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land for half a century. Sex education in the schools has been taking place nearly as long. Therefore, when I see how prevalent and affordable birth control is in 2015, I find myself wondering how it is that a million abortions a year are still taking place.

“I would appreciate hearing what you have to say about it because it seems to me that by this time, abortions would have gone the way of high button shoes, Hula Hoops and Nehru jackets.”

To Bret and Megyn, my two favorite Fox hosts, I wrote: “I wish to suggest that the arbitrary cutoff for this week’s debate makes no sense. If an hour and a half isn’t enough time, extend it by 30, 60 or 90 minutes. But all 17 contenders deserve their time on stage. If it calls for a double tier to accommodate them all, so be it.

“For one thing, the convention is still a long way off. For another, by limiting the participants to 10, you are arbitrarily deciding which seven will have little or no chance of breaking out of the pack. History tells us that those who are frontrunners 15 months before a presidential election generally aren’t on the ballot come Election Day.

“Finally, I have long contended that in its desire to be fair-and-balanced, Fox constantly ignores the fact that, unlike the monolithic liberals, conservatives come in assorted shapes and sizes. Most of us disagree on a wide range of issues, and a debate between two intelligent Republicans would better serve the interests of your viewers than simply rolling out a liberal like Alan Colmes, Geraldo Rivera or Juan Williams, to remind us, as if we needed reminding, how really stupid they are. Regards, Burt Prelutsky”

Richard Metz of Sumter, SC, won the July drawing. A copy of "Liberals: America's Termites" is on its way.

©2015 Burt Prelutsky. Comments?